Breathe

Elle was looking forward to the library today, it had been a long morning and it was heartbreaking to hear little Annabelle listing off failed foster homes in that matter-of-fact way, and how Brice had broken down and wept after asking her for a hug when Elle knew that he’d never had anything but hard hands from his parents even before he’d been sent to juvie for hotwiring cars.

A half hour alone in her office had given her just enough time to pull herself back together and the spring sunshine that met her outside was perfectly calculated to lift her spirits.

“Hi.”

“James, Bucky-Barnes- hi.” Elle tripped over the greeting, unsure which name to use. “Uh, its nice to see you but I’ve actually got to get going.” She sidestepped him and started down the sidewalk.

Bucky turned, ready to walk away, and changed his mind. He jogged to catch up and blocked her path. “One question and I’ll leave you alone.” his voice was serious, his eyes pleading.

She nodded. “Sure.”

“Have you been avoiding me since you found out who I am?”

She blinked, bit her lip, looked down.

“I see.” Bucky turned to the street.

Her hand on his arm stopped him from walking away.

“No, wait. Please, let me explain.” She looked at her watch anxiously, “I’m going to be late, walk with me?” When he shrugged, Elle continued: “I’ll admit, it was a lot to take in, and I can’t imagine what it’s been like for you. And yeah, I wasn’t trying to see you, but not because of you-”

He snorted and her hand rested on his metal arm again.

“Really, I’m not scared of you James.”

“You should be.” Bucky grunted.

“Maybe, but I’m not. I was worried… You’re in therapy, and it seems like you are doing well. Healing from that kind of trauma…” her voice faded, and she looked down, like she knew what it was like. “I don’t want to mess that up for you.”

“How would you mess it up?”

“I, well. I just, I don’t make new friends easily, and with you, it just so e- That’s besides the point, the issue is your health.” She groaned, frustrated at her failure to explain. Staring at her shoes she worked up a sufficiently professional demeanor. “Friendships formed during emotional recovery can become… falsely intense -I’m not explaining this well- basically, you could develop feelings for someone, that you wouldn’t otherwise.”

“You were worried I’d fall in love with you.”

She blushed at his blunt tone and shook her head, “I was more worried that you’d get too attached, and ‘think’ you were in love, and then when you realized you weren’t. You’ve been through enough, and you deserve to grow and be happy and choose your own future.”

“So, I shouldn’t make friends?” There was a bite in his voice that made Elle wince.

“That’s not- no. of course you should.”

“You don’t like me, is that it?”

“No, that’s not what I meant.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

She watched the cracks in the sidewalk under her feet, chewing on her bottom lip. She had said too much, and yet, not enough. The nuances, the pros and cons she’d listed in her head, she’d tried to be detached, clinical. Now though? Looking James in the face…

“I do like you, and I’d love to have your friendship, but I have an obligation to distance myself if I think you’re attaching too much weight to it.”

“Ok.”

“Okay?”

“Ok.” Bucky nodded, meeting her eyes and accepting her conditions.

The next few minutes of silence weren’t as uncomfortable as Elle would have anticipated. There was something comforting about the steady tread of boots beside her, the presence of a person in this vast city that she wasn’t afraid of. It would worry her later, when she realized just how easily she’d come to trust him, but for now she just relished the security of his companionship.

“That’s the library.” She pointed at the sign over a lovely brick building. “Thanks for walking me over.”

Bucky nodded, looking around uncertainly.

“You can come in, if you want, it’s a public library. Anyways, I’ve got to get going, thanks again.”

Elle waved one hand and hurried up the stairs, pushing the heavy wooden door open with one last glance over her shoulder.

Opening the door a minute later, Bucky found himself in the foyer of a multi-story library, an elderly woman at the front desk looked up as his gaze was drawn up the stairs to the open floors above.

“Can I help you dear?”

Bucky wandered through the rows of shelves, a shiny new library card in his pocket. The sound of muffled giggling met him as he climbed to the second floor.

Elle’s voice was distorted through the glass door of Reading Room: One. Her back was to him and he could see the rapt expression of the group of children seated before her. A boy, twelve or thirteen maybe, lounging on a beanbag at the back of the room noticed Bucky watching and glared at him.

Bucky ducked away before the kid could call Elle’s attention to him, not wanting to make her uncomfortable.

There were armchairs in the balcony area and he settled himself in the largest one, pretending to read a thin volume he’d pulled at random from the shelves.

Heat washed across his face as he thought over the conversation they’d had. She’d been worried he’d fall for her. He wasn’t even sure he could fall in love, the puppy crushes of the forties had been fun, filled with dancing, flirting and mutual attraction, yes. But love?

The Bucky of the old days had been a lady-killer. A silver-tongued smooth talking and confident young man. A person he couldn’t imagine becoming again.

He had to admit though, being around Elle brought out what little rusted charm he still possessed. She hadn’t known Sargent Barnes, had no expectations or assumptions when they’d met. Maybe that was why he felt comfortable showing that side of himself to her.