Chapter 7
When he had first moved in to the dorm, Otto had brought with him a handful of vinyl records and a turntable on which to play them. They had sat mostly dormant for the weeks that followed, as the hustle of college life had carried him along, atop crashing waves of work and class, leaving little room for simple pleasures. Come spring break, though, the tsunami had subsided and Otto found himself left with plenty of down time.
Now, he cautiously approached the desk where the neglected record player sat. He reached soft, indecisive fingers towards the stack of records and ran them along the spines. His hand finally faltered and settled upon one record- Ella for Lovers. Otto still remembered the day he had bought it- it had been raining, and he had to wrap the record in his coat, held against his chest, as he walked home. It had been his first purchase of a jazz record- a purchase which led to the acquisition of many, many more jazz records.
Now, he pulled it carefully out of its sleeve and set it on the player. He lifted the needle and dropped it gently onto the record, right before the grooves started. The needle slid softly into place, and music began to crackle out of the speaker sitting to the side of the player. Otto had spun this record so many times that there were pops punctuating practically every beat.
Ella Fitzgerald’s smooth, enchanting voice began to wash over Otto and he felt his mind quiet, his body still, a sense of calm settling into his very soul. He stood there for a while, just listening, letting his body slowly sway. A few songs later, and he was standing quietly still over the player, letting his head relax until his chin was practically on his chest, as I Hadn’t Anyone TIll You drifted through the room.
Otto started to hum- just a low, gentle whisper in the depths of his throat. He knew his chops could never measure up to Ella’s, and he didn’t dare sing over her- so he just quietly hummed along, occasionally harmonizing or straying from the melody as his mind wandered with the music.
“I used to lie awake and wonder if there could be…someone in this wide world just made for me…I never gave my love till you…”
He had gotten so lost in the music that he didn’t hear Norman walk in. Otto’s eyelids had drifted shut, and so he didn’t see Norman walk over to the record player, either. He was only lifted from his trance when Norman set his long, slender fingers on the needle- and brought it up and off of the record.
Otto’s head shot up and his eyes opened to meet Norman’s. Both men stayed silent. Norman slowly moved the needle just a hair inward on the record, dropping it down on Please Be Kind and letting the music begin again.
“This is my first affair, so please be kind…handle my heart with care, oh, please be kind…”
Norman joined Otto in his listening ritual, surrendering himself to the music and letting his body relax.
Finally, Norman started to sing along- softly, still, so as not to disturb the peace.
“Tell me your love’s sincere…cause if you leave me dear, I know my heart will lose its mind… If you love me, please be kind.”
Otto smiled softly. “You have a nice voice, Norman.”
Norman’s singing trailed off. “This song has special meaning to me.”
Otto’s eyes lit up. “I knew you’d appreciate jazz. Why?”
Norman smiled softly. “It reminds me of myself, I guess. I relate to the speaker.”
Otto didn’t respond, as he mulled over Norman’s words. He summoned all the courage in his large body and leaned in towards and over Norman, slowly wrapping his arms around him. At first, Norman tensed (partially because Otto's watch had scratched along his back, and as much as Norman loved those pieces of jewelry, they could be bothersome) , but eventually his muscles softened. He didn’t, however, return the hug.
The two men sat there for a second, Otto’s hands caressing Norman’s back.
“Is this your first affair, Norman?”
Norman stuttered. “My…first… with- with a man.”
Otto clicked his tongue. “Is that why you keep…running off and ignoring me…afterwards?”
Norman bristled under Otto’s touch. “Can we not talk about…that…right now? Can we just stand here for a while?”
Otto considered Norman’s proposition. It would certainly be nice to hold the smaller man in his arms for a while.
And then reasoning took over. “No, Norman, we can’t. I’d love to. I mean, I love holding you and I love kissing you and I love being with you… but I can’t keep giving my heart to someone who runs and cowers after touching me. It makes me feel repulsive…unloveable. What’s so horrid about me that you have to scrub yourself clean after our every encounter?”
Otto sighed. It felt good to get that out. He had been building up his courage to confront Norman. Although he was still terrified of how Norman would react, Otto had laid his cards out on the table- the scariest part was over.
“Oh, Otto…” Norman sighed, voice full of concern. He flung himself towards Otto and embraced him tightly. The sudden contact startled Otto- he was taken aback. Norman had never shown him such casual affection, such intimacy without some sort of sexual end.
“Otto, you’re not repulsive. You’re beautiful…perfect… the most stunning thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. Really. I mean it.”
Otto choked back emotion. “Then why do you treat me so…”
Norman interrupted. “Otto, none of that’s about you. It’s about me.”
He paused, working up the strength to confess his feelings.
His feelings. Those pesky things he had promised not to have.
“Truth be told, Otto, I’m not…confident. In myself. My sexuality. This is all new to me. I was convinced I was straight, pushing down feelings I had had towards men. I was repressed. You…released me. It was great, but it was also scary. I had to confront who I was. I was confused, and that all too often seems to manifest in displays of coldness, meanness towards you. And I’m sorry. You don’t deserve that. You deserve…so much more. So much…better. Than me.”
Words tumbled out of Norman’s mouth and he couldn’t tell if he was making sense. He just kept rubbing Otto’s back and burying his face in his chest. Otto could hear choked sobs that fell out of Norman as he failed to hold back his sorrow.
Otto kissed the top of Norman’s head gently.
“Norman, you’re wonderful. I’m sorry, I had no idea. We can take it slow…if you want.”
Norman chuckled. “Please, I’ve been practically throwing myself at you. I want nothing more than to be with you, and now. It’s just… difficult to wrap my head around the way I feel…about you.”
Otto swallowed nervously. Norman looked up at him and drew him downwards and into a slow, gentle kiss. Finally, he pulled away.
“Otto… I mean this… You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”