Friends (2)
Erik was out of his door the second Charles texted him he was home now. The urge to talk to him had been growing every day since Charles called him a few weeks ago. It pained Erik just to think about it.
He was wrestling with words inside his head, trying to prepare the right way to say it – that he wanted to break up. Which was ridiculous, really, the breakup would be just as fake as their relationship. And still, the thought of it made his heart race and his stomach grow cold.
By the time he reached Charles´ place, he still had not decided what to say. In fact, he was still contemplating his options as he climbed the stairs.
Charles looked disheveled after the long flight back from the UK. After four weeks abroad, the jetlag would probably knock him out for a few days and Erik wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.
“Hey,” Charles greeted him with a tired smile, “it´s good to see you, my friend. Did you bring food?” He pointed at the shopping bag in Erik´s hand that the other man had forgotten about until now.
“No, no food, just a gift for you,” he said, mentally kicking himself in the ass. His timing was off, it wasn´t like he was bringing a breakup gift to Charles.
“A gift?” Charles´ ears seemed to perk up. “In this case, come right in, I will make us some tea. The good one I´ve brought from Britain. When I moved here last summer I had severely underestimated the amount of tea I´d be drinking here.”
Rambling like this, he made his way towards the kitchen while Erik sat down in the living room. It was already warm for March and he had been sweating under his coat. Charles returned with two cups of tea and his portable chessboard that was quickly set up on the coffee table between them.
Erik relaxed a little. They weren´t rivals who punched each other in the face anymore. They were friends. Charles would not kick him out of his life just because Erik wanted to call off their fake relationship.
He handed over the shopping bag. His advice to be careful came too late, Charles was already ripping off the bag to uncover what was inside.
“A lamp!” Charles laughed. “Made from metal and wood. It´s beautiful, Erik, did you make that?”
“I did. No need to sound so surprised,” Erik teased with a grin. The lamp, made for a bedside table, was his best design so far, an intricate mix of wood and metal elements, inspired by old French streetlights.
“It´s amazing! And you have only been working with metal for what? A month or so?” Charles beamed at him. The sight made Erik´s heart swell with pride. “You really have a talent for this.”
He was still grinning while he tried the tea, bathing in Charles´ admiration. The younger man was still going on and on about how much he liked the design of the lamp as they started their chess game. They played for half an hour, a slow, relaxed game, while Charles told Erik about his holidays back home.
The atmosphere between them was so pleasant that Erik almost forgot why he had come here in the first place. He only remembered once Charles finally finished his story, only to look at Erik with those blue, blue eyes and ask him what he had been up to in the meantime.
“As I told you, I had the job interview and the company offered me a two-year contract starting next summer once I have finished my thesis,” Erik explained quickly, this not being the topic he wanted to talk about today. “But this is old news, already. Magda will be in the area next month and we have decided to meet up.”
His heart had picked up speed again. Just to occupy his hands, Erik grabbed the Bishop and just put it anywhere on the chessboard, a less than optimal move, his brain realized a few seconds later. He heard Charles sharply inhaling.
“This is good, right? That you two get the chance to talk about what has happened to..... to Wanda and Pietro and to your relationship,” Charles finally said. He was calm and collected, so unlike Erik at this moment.
“Yes, I hope so.” He avoided Charles´ eyes, only watched how his friend took the bishop Erik had so carelessly placed in a vulnerable position. “I haven´t seen her in over a year. I should get a haircut.”
Charles giggled at that. “Don´t worry, you always look amazing with your turtlenecks and leather jacket and your bad boy attitude.”
Under different circumstances, Erik would have snorted at that and retaliated with a snarky remark. But right now the only thing he could think of was the next sentence that came out of his mouth.
“I think we should break up.”
Charles was stunned for a moment, his hand with his Queen hovering over the chessboard for long seconds. Erik´s palm felt sweaty. He had had real breakups that weren´t as bad as this one. He had gotten way too invested in their fake relationship.
“Of course,” Charles finally said, looked away, cleared his throat, and then spoke again. “Yes, I see. You don´t want to lie to your ex-fiancee, of course. Do you want to get back together with her?”
Erik shrugged. “I don´t know. Maybe we have too much history, maybe we have changed too much. Maybe we have changed just enough to give it another try. I really don´t know.”
Silence hung heavy between them. The game was nearing its end. Even though their fake breakup went smoothly, Erik felt no relief.
“So, when will you two meet up?” Charles asked after a while.
“Fourth of April. She´ll only stay for a day or two, though,” Erik replied, still trying to force his brain to focus back on the game.
“Fourth of April! This is my birthday.” They both looked up in surprise. Just as their eyes met, Charles immediately looked away. Well, apparently this fake breakup did not go as smoothly as he hoped.
“Your birthday is one month from now?” Erik asked, frowning. “Why haven´t you told me earlier, I could have saved your present until then.”
“You´re mean!” Charles said with a soft smile. His hand stayed protectively on the lamp as if he feared Erik would want it back. “Also, it is my 18th birthday, I expect a bigger gift from my boyfriend.”
“Only that we are no longer boyfriends. Not even fake ones,” Erik reminded him, watching his face closely.
“Of course.” Charles grimaced. “We should probably tell our friends. I can do that if you don´t want to. This whole fake relationship thing was my stupid idea, after all. I should probably tell them that we broke up a few weeks ago already. With your ex being in town, this could get weird quickly.”
“You should mention the pretty breakup gift I gave you,” Erik teased but his heart was not in it. Their playful banter felt forced when it usually flowed effortlessly between them.
“The one you wanted to re-purpose as a birthday gift!” Charles pouted. “Check, by the way.”
Erik looked down at the chessboard. Charles was right. Usually, all Charles could do was cheap provocation but due to his carelessness, Erik now found himself in a bad position. Time to focus again.
“I wish you and Magda the best of luck, you know,” Charles said softly, causing Erik to look up once again. “You two have been through so much. You deserve to leave the past behind and be happy.”
They looked at each other, soft blue and hard steel. Erik felt the sudden need to reach out and touch Charles, to be close to him both physically as well as mentally. And then, Charles blinked and the moment was lost forever.
“Thank you,” Erik replied and meant it. Because whatever this between them was, whatever it had been, it always stood in the shadow of his past. Everything during the past two years had.
“Checkmate,” Charles said. Both men stared at the chessboard in disbelief. Then, Charles burst out into laughter. “I beat you! This is the first time, I can´t believe it but I beat you!”
Erik chuckled. He had a hard time feeling down about his loss with Charles almost dancing from euphoria.
“Our breakup must have really messed with your head,” Charles teased with a shit-eating grin. “Now I´m even better at chess than you are.”
“Don´t get too cocky,” Erik laughed. “I have beaten you hundreds of times and you were only able to beat me once.” He hesitated for a second, then he added: “Only once, my friend.”
Charles regretted offering to talk with their friends about their breakup. He knew it was better that way – Erik could get quite rude when it came to anything sentimental. This whole situation was also entirely Charles´ fault: not only had he asked for both their fake friendship as well as their fake relationship, but he had also managed to fall in love with Erik and make everything even weirder. And still, Charles loathed having to tell their friends about it.
“I have to tell you something,” he unceremoniously said once everyone had gathered at the cafe they had agreed to meet up at. All eyes were on him, some smiling, some curious. Oh no, Charles was making a bigger deal out of this than he had planned to. “Erik and I broke up.”
The smiles vanished instantly. Darwin looked confused, Alex outright angry while Angel audibly gasped.
“He broke up with you?” she shrieked. “That can´t be! I half expected you to announce that you were planning to elope or something.”
“Would it count as eloping if they told us about it beforehand?” Alex asked. “Either way, Erik is an arse if he can´t see what he is missing out on with you.”
The rest of the group agreed immediately, even Hank who usually held back. He looked much less pale since he had returned from the road trip with Raven, even though nothing seemed to be official, yet.
Charles swallowed. This was not going as planned. He originally just wanted to mention that he and Erik were no longer together so no one would raise any questions just in case Erik and Magda got back together. But listening to his friends blaming Erik for something that Charles had fucked up did not sit right with him.
“You got it all wrong,” he quickly intervened since Alex and Darwin were apparently planning to send death threats to Erik. All eyes focused back on Charles.
“I was the one who asked for a break,” Charles explained. “Before I went back to the UK in February. It was just... not working out between us. And while I was away, I ended it completely. None of this was Erik´s fault, so please be nice to him.”
Alex growled protectively but finally let go of the topic. The conversation revolved around how cute Charles and Erik had been as a couple for a few more minutes until Angel remembered to ask Raven about her road trip. While his sister was bathing in the attention of the group, Charles sat down next to Hank with a little sigh.
“Are you alright?” Hank asked quietly. His eyes lingered on Raven but when Charles didn´t answer his attention focused back on the Brit. “I´m sorry to hear you and Erik broke up. Do you need anything?”
“No, no, thank you. It´s just....” Charles bit his lip. “I feel like I pushed Erik to become more than friends even though he wasn´t comfortable with it at first. But then everyone was so happy for us or told us they were able to see it coming from a mile away and now everything feels just.... weird.”
He didn´t dare to go closer to the truth. Exposing their fake relationship would be even more embarrassing than telling their friends about the supposed breakup.
Hank looked at Charles for a few seconds too long before he answered: “I don´t know much about relationships. But after seeing you two together after you started dating I thought about how you called him your arch-nemesis. And you were right. I´m pretty sure that you two started dating too early. You pushed Erik´s limits too much.”
Charles hid his face in his hands. So, Hank had actually noticed how they played pretend at first. How embarrassing.
“But then I saw you again at New Year´s Eve,” Hank continued. “And by then, you two were much more comfortable with each other. You were balancing each other out. Whatever happened between you two since then... I don´t think it is something you would not be able to overcome. You two changed so much in such a short time. Everyone who bothered to look would have been able to see it.”
Charles peeked between his fingers to look at Hank.
“What´s your point, Hank?” he groaned.
“You two were good for each other,” Hank concluded very matter-of-factly. “If I were you, I would not give up on this relationship, yet. Of course, I don´t know what has happened between New Year´s Eve and February. But if it´s not something unforgivable I´d advise you to give it another shot.”
He knew Hank had meant to make Charles feel better. But since it was impossible for him to know about the scale of deception he only made Charles feel worse. This fake breakup was feeling too much like a real breakup.
“I know,” Charles finally said. “But at this point, it´s not up to me to ask for a second chance, anymore.”
Both of Hank's eyebrows shot up.
“You obviously know Erik better than I do, but I personally can not imagine him admitting that he wants to try again after a previous defeat.”
Charles was feeling worse and worse with every word.
“It doesn´t matter, Hank. We broke up, things are how they are. It´s over.”
Erik was never late to anything. Being late was simply against his German blood. This time, however, he had been half an hour early in an attempt to curb his nervousness. It didn´t work, obviously, and now he was chain-smoking cigarette after cigarette while waiting for Magda to arrive.
It was a remarkably sunny and bright day for April. His leather jacket hanging loosely over one shoulder, he watched the street. Even though they hadn´t seen each other in over a year, he spotted Magda immediately once she entered his line of sight.
She somehow appeared to be even smaller than the last time they met. She looked... good, Erik had to admit. Healthier than last time, thank God. She straightened as she came closer, a small smile appearing on her lips.
“Erik,” she greeted him. “It´s good to see you. You´ve become thin, it doesn´t suit you.”
Erik groaned at that comment. Magda went for a hug and pressed her face against his chest. He held her for a moment. The urge to kiss her became overwhelming but even he knew it would be inappropriate to do so with everything standing between them.
“Thanks, Magda,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “You, on the other hand, look healthier than last time. So, those arrogant doctors have managed to help you after all?” He knew Magda hated doctors, hospitals, and therapies as much as he himself did. He had to almost force her to attend her first therapy session for her eating disorder.
“I hate to admit it, but yes.” She let go of him again, straightened her shoulders, and threw her long, dark-brown locks over her shoulders to get them out of the way. Her dark eyes hinted at her heritage of half-Latina, half-Romani. She stepped back and took in Erik´s sight again. “I´m glad you agreed to meet today.”
Erik nodded halfheartedly. They had met in front of the gates of the small Jewish cemetery where their children´s tombstone was located. The cemetery was surrounded by houses, it had the atmosphere of a large patio rather than a cemetery. Once they entered, the noise of the city and the streets diminished.
For the past two years, Erik had avoided this side of the city. With horror, he realized he had even forgotten where exactly the grave was located. He had not visited the grave since the burial and even that day was nothing more than a blurry memory. Maybe he had been drunk on that day but he doubted it.
Magda, on the other hand, moved with relative ease between the graves. She knew where she was headed so Erik let himself fall back and just followed her. His heart grew heavier with every step until suddenly, he found himself in front of Pietro´s and Wanda´s grave. The tombstone was simple, yet elegant. It featured only the names of the twins, nothing else. Because what else was there to say about two children who hadn´t even been allowed to open their eyes even once?
“We should have brought flowers,” Erik said quietly, even though they were the only visitors.
“Next time,” Magda replied softly and Erik nodded. Yes, there would be a next time and it would come sooner than in two years, he promised himself. She reached out to hold his hand. For a few long minutes, they both just stared at the grave, overwhelmed by feelings.
Erik had expected Magda to be more collected than himself. After all, she had spent a year working through her feelings under professional guidance while Erik had done everything to simply numb the pain and forget. But maybe there were some wounds even a professional could not treat.
“I miss them terribly,” Magda said after a while. She sounded like she was close to crying but tried to hold back. When she looked at Erik, he noticed her reddened eyes. “I miss what we four could have been, Erik. A family. Maybe not the best or most functional family but a family nonetheless.”
He pulled her into an embrace and she didn´t resist. With his eyes closed, Erik let her cry against his chest. He remembered the dark days and weeks after the twin´s death when he had spent countless hours comforting his fiancee like this.
“We come from broken homes,” Magda said after a few minutes. “And we have lived through a lot of pain but we would have made it work, right? We would have made sure Pietro and Wanda had a happier childhood, right?”
As much as Erik wanted to agree, he couldn´t. With a deep sigh, he pulled her closer to place a kiss on her forehead like he had done a million times before.
“We will never know,” he finally answered. “Maybe we would have forgotten to appreciate what we have: a family. Love. Children. People never appreciate the things they already have, I guess.”
“Since when did you study Philosophy?” Magda teased and laughed. The tears on her cheeks started to dry. She got on her tiptoes to kiss him and Erik let her.
“Do you think we should give it another chance?” she asked. “Us? We were good together until everything went downhill, Erik.”
Erik could no longer avoid her eyes. She meant what she said but Erik´s thoughts wandered to Charles, his eyes, his lips, his giggle, his gentle voice, his brilliant mind. It would have been easy to accept Magda´s offer. After all, she was right and Charles had clearly only wanted them to be friends. And Erik.... Erik wanted to be loved again. As much as he enjoyed his image of the bad boy, the lone wolf, he had never been as happy as when he was with Charles and his friends during those past few months.
“I can´t,” he replied. “There is someone else I like.”
Magda blinked and looked away. A sad smile appeared on her lips. Oh, she was still as beautiful as ever, Erik could barely take his eyes off of her.
“I see. Sorry I asked.” She let go of him again.
“Don´t be.”
Silence hung between them for long, uncomfortable seconds.
“I planned on going back to Europe, you know?” Magda changed the topic but she still avoided looking at him directly. His rejection must have stung, Erik had always been head over heels for her in the past. “My cousin in Poland said I could live with her for a while until I found my own place. I´m tempted to accept her offer.”
“I think you should do it,” Erik agreed and meant it. “Do you need anything? Money? You know I had saved up some for the twins.”
“You need it for your studies.” Magda started to walk away from the grave and Erik willingly followed her. Now that he had been to the grave, a burden fell from his shoulders. The pain that had overwhelmed him so often during these past two years was becoming manageable again. He should have done this sooner.
“I only have three or four months left,” Erik explained. “I will be able to make ends meet until I start my new job even if you take it. You need it more than I do.”
They went through the gates of the cemetery and the noise of the city promptly returned. It didn´t bother Erik. His head was peacefully quiet, his heart light and warm. Thinking of the future was no longer an act of dread. He walked with his head held high while making plans for Magda.
They aimlessly walked around, just enjoying each other´s company after all this time apart, when Magda brushed his hand and looked up to him.
“And I really can´t convince you to come with me?” she asked again. And it was just as tempting as the first time.
Erik smiled softly and shook his head.
“I need to stay, Magda. I have unfinished business here.”
She nodded, still not happy about his decision.
“I understand. You know that even though I said all those horrible things back then when we split up... I never wanted you to be unhappy. You know that, right? You deserve to love and to be loved, Erik. And even if you don´t want to get back together, I wish for you to find someone to love.”
Her words touched him, even more so since Magda was usually not very sentimental, just like Erik himself. Listening to her opening up like this made Erik´s heart flutter.
“Thank you,” he replied quietly but earnestly. “I wish that to you as well.”
Finally, the smile returned to Magda´s lips. She playfully pinched his arm. “And promise me you won´t fuck it up. I know how you can be.”
Erik thought about Charles, small, annoying, beautiful, brilliant Charles, and smiled.
“I promise I won´t fuck it up.”