Now Loki knew what a lie represented better than anyone else. He was the God of Lies after all. He could spot a lie before it even got to someone’s lips, just by how the light in their eyes would twitch for a second less than it should. So he knew that you never lied to him. And he has never lied to you. And that, right there, was a lie. Because he had. Once. But that one time was horrendous enough to make him disgusted with himself sometimes. And scared to death during other times. During times like this one.
He had a history of terror and chaos in his past and you knew all about that. Every cruel thing he did under the Titan’s influence or not, and no matter how much destruction he laid on the table, you always found a way to forgive him. Because even if he did not want to grant that forgiveness to himself, even if he was not at fault for those most atrocious crimes, those were his hands that committed them. Those were his powers. But you were restless, you worked with him through it all, pleading and encouraging his mind to accept that he was magically manipulated. That he was not evil, but only deeply scarred by events that he had no control over. You loved him and you vouched for him, in front of the world and in front of himself. And so, Loki never lied to you. The Mighty God of Lies always told you the truth. About anything in his life, except for his true form.
It was not like you ever asked him about it but you did ask him about his coolness. Just out of interest during a feverish summer night when you sought him out unconsciously in your sleep. When you woke up, you were curious about how he managed to keep cold and asked him if it was his magic. He said it was something similar to that. You did not press further. He did not confess.
Now that would not truly be seen as a lie to many but to Loki, he knew he was keeping this away from you. And maybe he was stupid and selfish for doing so but he was terrified, deep down to his core that if you see the monster behind the illusions you will leave. On his best days, he tells himself that you may be repulsed by it at first but that if he never showed that side of him ever again you might be able to still love him a little. On his worst days, he has nightmares in which you run away from his atrocious self and despise whatever he is and he wakes up sweating.
He would take this secret to his grave, just to keep you close. He hated himself for it, he despised lying and hiding the truth. And for the second time in your relationship, he was doing just that. On a hospital bed, not telling you he got back. The mission he was sent on with Thor went awfully wrong and now there he stood, in his Jotun form, in the Avengers HQ, with no illusion or ounce of magic present to hide his scars or markings or bloody eyes. Just pairs and pairs of trembling hands and terrified eyes of the nurses who were trying to mend icy scars that will not ever close. You cannot sew up the work of a Mad Titan’s wrath.
They should have known, Thor and himself, that they wouldn’t have been sent out if this whole mission would not have been related to magic. But they couldn’t have known that the powerful spell book they were sent to retrieve would suck the magic out of them. So much that Loki couldn't sustain all of the spells necessary that were keeping his form under control. He did not even mind the unusual pain he was feeling in his hands from touching that damned thing or how much blood there was on his forehead because of the explosion that followed. Those wounds would pale in comparison to the prospect of not being able to return to his Asgardian form. How could he ever go back to you as the monster that he was behind all of those layers? And so, he threatened Thor and every single nurse and doctor in the room who asked if they should announce anyone of his arrival. And yet, Thor still texted you.
There was this sudden feeling that you got that night, that made you jump out of your skin and out of bed in an instant to check your phone. And there it was, written in bold letters, how he was in the hospital and how you should get there immediately. You knew it was worse than a usual mission if it was not Loki who contacted you. And that they got home earlier than they should have. Something must have gone utterly wrong. In a haze, you got into your car and it felt like ages since you arrived at the doors of the medical wing in the compound. It all seemed to go wrong that night. From the moment you entered, there was this strange sensation that was suffocating you.
‘Loki, which room is Loki in?’ you asked the woman at the reception, the moment you opened the heavy doors. Impatient as ever, you clicked your nails on the counter as a sign of your anxiety but also as means to get the woman to look at you from her computer.
‘We were instructed not to give away his location. I am sorry,’ she said in a straight voice, going back to mind her own immediately.
‘What? Just tell me where he is, I need to see him.’
‘I cannot do that, dear. Doctor’s orders.’ Panic surged through you harder than ever before. You remembered these types of nights well. When the two brothers would come home from missions and you would rush your way through these corridors to hug your lover and see him bluntly ignoring any medical help and just throwing remarks at Thor and the doctors for keeping him there without a reason. And never during those times were you forbidden from seeing him. Without looking back, you advanced in your way, running straight for the rooms in which you knew they usually took the team, despite the woman shouting for you to come back. Thor would not pick up and you did not know where they were. Your anxiety was just increasing and every single second spent away from Loki felt like the worst. Nurses were hurrying all around you and you were frantically asking which room Loki is in but no one seemed to mind you enough to answer. So you grabbed onto the closest person’s arm, pleading to listen to you.
‘Please, do you have any idea where Loki is? He just got back but no one will tell me anything.’
‘I am sorry, Miss. Our doctor-patient confidentiality won’t allow us to tell that.’ said the red-haired nurse and disappeared just as fast as she came by. You got your phone out and dialled Thor’s number again. After texting you to bring you here, one would have thought he’d pick up to give you the precise location. The fact that he was not was just adding to the pile of unnatural events of tonight. Why wouldn’t anyone tell you his room number? The only way in which this would happen would be if Loki would not want you there but that could not be the case. And yet, Thor was still not picking up. So you got matters into your own hands and started going from door to door. Patient by patient, opening and closing them with a thud, your hands were trembling and your heart was beating out of your chest.
‘Where are you, Loki?’ you kept whispering to yourself. Arriving on the second floor of the medical wing, you were stopped in your way by a tall doctor who seemed to recognize you.
‘Miss Y/N. What do you think you are doing? Disturbing our patients like that.’
‘I am looking for my boyfriend and no person in this damned compound seems to know where the hell he is. That is what I am doing.’ you raised your voice at him in anger, trying to push past his body to get to the following door.
‘Cannot let you do that, I am terribly sorry but my patient specifically asked not to let you in.’
‘What? This must be a mistake, Loki would never do that.’ I said, laughing out of disbelief. Of all people, I knew Loki would never stop me from coming to see him.
‘It is not, he said he needed his privacy,’ the doctor said and tried to gently turn you around in your way.
‘Lady Y/N, you came!’ you heard Thor’s loud voice call from behind the man. Running towards him, the questions started spilling out of you without control.
‘Thor, is Loki in there? What is happening, they won’t let me see him, saying he forbid them to. Did anything happen to him? I am losing my mind.’
‘My brother ... well, he is in a peculiar state right now. How do I say this?’
‘What? Peculiar state- what is going on?’ You saw Thor hesitating and that only made you press further.
‘Thor? What in the Nine Realms is going on in here? I am going to see him now if you won’t tell me. Why doesn’t anyone want to let me see him?’
‘Because my brother did tell everyone not to let you in, Lady Y/N. And he would have my head if he knew I texted you but you need to be here, he was badly injured and his magic seems to not work properly anymore.’
‘Is he in stable condition? Thor, you have to take me to him, why would he not want me there? Please!’ you were shaking all over and the God seemed to notice that.
‘My brother...he is in his true form right now, he cannot sustain his illusions.’
‘True form? Thor, I am begging you, take me to him. I don’t understand anything and I just want to see him. What true form? What is going on?’ you rushed past him, straight to the doors but Thor was keeping up with you, walking backwards, trying to keep you in place.
‘Lady Y/N, you have to listen, before you go in there, you need to know something. Please don’t leave my brother after you see him like th-‘
That was enough for you. In what Universe would Thor think you would leave Loki? For what? You quickly turned around and ducked his hands that were trying to catch you, pushing both doors. When he heard the doors open with such force, Loki turned his head towards you and his whole world fell in around him at once. He was frozen. He just saw you, looking at him, straight into his eyes and he felt like he was drowning at sea. No air was reaching his lungs, his heart threatened to jump out of his chest and time stopped flowing as his biggest fear was happening right in front of him and he had no way to stop that now. You were looking at him. His bloody eyes, his icy skin and his monstrous markings, you were seeing all of them. Now if he wouldn’t have turned to you the moment you entered, he might have missed the slight confusion that crossed your face. But then you came back into yourself. In what felt like centuries, but what also was actually less than half of a second, you were by his bedside, taking his hands in yours and asking if he is alright. He must have a fever dream, Loki decided because you did not hesitate to come to him and touch him and the panic in your eyes was not from the monster that was sitting in bed in front of you but because of pure concern.
‘Loki, my love, are you alright? Do you feel well? They told me I couldn’t see you and I just co-‘
‘What are you doing?’ Loki said in disbelief, pulling his blue hands out of your own as if you burned him. As if you spilt acid all over him. This could not be real, you were acting as if you were not seeing his form. As if he was just Loki. And to you, he was. The moment you stepped into the room you realized what Thor was going on about. There, on the hospital bed, sat your boyfriend, but the difference was that he was indeed taking a different form. His hair was still the same, but other than that, majestic patterns were adorning his blue torso, and his evergreen eyes had a shade of red so powerful, that you could not break eye contact. And yet, you knew he was still your Loki and what you were more concerned about were the deep wounds that were plastered all over his shoulders and face. You understood that he did not want you here because of the way his appearance changed but what you could not comprehend was why would he keep this a secret from you. Blue or not, he was still your Loki.
‘What do you mean? I came as fast as I could. Is everything fine because I-‘ ‘Don’t you see me? Why did you come in here? I told them to keep you away, you should not see me like this.’ The heart-rate monitor seated beside him was beeping uncontrollably now and Loki’s crimson red eyes were frantically searching your face while also avoiding your eyes. He was trying to get as far away from you as possible. But he was also looking for what he expected. Fear and resentment.
‘What? My love, I just want to know if you are hurt, you are full of blood, please talk to me. I don’t care what form you take. I just want to know that you are alright.’ You lifted your hands to cup his face but you saw him flinch further away from you so you dropped them.
‘You don’t have to pretend, you can run away if you please. Just-I am begging you, don’t stay here out of pity. You were not supposed to see me as this monster.’ He was spitting these words at you like they were burning his tongue and his throat.
‘Monster? Loki, you are beautiful. Bewitching, my dear heart. ‘ And you meant it. Every single word. He was beautiful, out worldly so and yet he still pulled his hands away when you tried to touch them again.
‘Don’t lie to me, Y/N’, he said but this time he finally met your eyes. He was trembling all over and he knew you noticed that. No matter how much self-control he tried to gather to stop it, you always noticed.
‘You are the God of Lies, so tell me. Am I lying?’ No trace of a doubt could be seen on your features and yet Loki thought this might be a dream. No matter how many times he imagined this moment, no matter how many nights he hoped beyond hope that you would learn to see him as a person again if he would ever reveal this to you, he could have never predicted the acceptance and love that was piercing your gaze. Such warmth, such adoration that before he knew what he was doing, he allowed you to cup his face. And before he felt them on his skin, Loki saw you leaning in close to his cheeks, where you were kissing his tears away. Hot, traitorous tears were staining his face and he did not know when they came, but he could not stop them. And you were kissing all of them away, without fear, without pity or disgust. Your pure, lovely lips were touching his abnormal face and Loki has never felt more loved. So he let them fall, all of those bitter tears that he kept inside of him for what felt like aeons. You never saw him cry, not a tear in his eyes and truth be told, Loki has almost never cried in front of anyone. Such a sign of weakness, he always thought. But not to you. Never to you.
All of those years of hiding himself from the world, days and nights filled with rejection and with a yearning for acceptance, you kissed them all away. You beautiful thing, you always saw in him what others could not. What he, himself could not. Never an atrocity, always just the man he really was. A sob tore through his chest and he did not care how vulnerable he looked or felt right now, he could allow you to see him like this. Just for one moment. So you kissed his lips then, with every fibre of your being, you kissed him with a love of such power that he has never felt before. He always loved how warm you were against his skin when he was in his human form. But this, oh this felt different. Pulling away ever so slightly, you rested your forehead against his, stroking his cheeks with your thumbs.
‘You are so beautiful, Loki. So, so loved. Never doubt that.’ you whispered to him, just above his lips. With trembling hands, he covered yours with his cold ones, timidly squeezing them.
‘Am I hurting you?’, he asked, turning his head the smallest fraction to gesture towards his hands. They were cold, you could not lie, but at this moment they felt good. Real. There with you, on you.
‘Not at all, my darling.’
‘You precious girl. I love you. ‘ Loki said and brought your hands to his lips. He hesitated. There was a long way to go until he will fully grasp the concept of self-love. Your pretty hands had no business being kissed by the lips of a monster, his scarred mind would tell him. But you saw what he wanted to do, so you brought his hands to your mouth, kissing each knuckle.
This was no easy task. To get Loki to see what you saw in him. He often thought it was decaying work, to love a self-loathing beast. You hated those words coming out of his mouth and he knew that. So he kept them to himself. And in time, he started to believe them less and less. He would not recite them to himself whenever he felt grim. Loki learned that being surrounded by love could only ever cultivate and grow love. And you poured so much love into him, he knew it was treason he was committing against you when he’d go back to berating himself. Time passed, Loki got his magic back and he explained how his Jotun and Asgardian form coexisted. How it all came to be, from the secret Odin kept from him to the ways in which Thor found out and still loved him. To how much he hated that because he knew he didn’t deserve it. To how scared he was of telling you, and how relieved he was of never losing your love. To how sorry he felt for having lied to you and to the disgust he always sensed whenever he felt there was an opportunity of telling the bare truth. He went back to his Asgardian form the moment the tiniest drop of magic flooded through his body.
But there were times, late at night or early in the morning, or during those intimate summer days in which you asked to see him in blue. And he never denied you that. He could never deny you a thing in the world.