And that Life You Had in Dublin
Live with it
long enough
and pain begins
to feel familiar,
even comforting.
I guess when
it’s the only constant
even heartbreak
can find a way
to feel like home.
— “The Comfort of Pain” by Blake Auden
Steve stared out of the window. The world had never seemed so small. Absentmindedly, he rubbed the soft material of his new clothes. Cashmere. His hand hovered over the small swell of his stomach. He couldn’t help feeling very lonely.
Howard and Maria were dead.
The Howlies were dead.
Peggy might as well be dead for all she remembered.
“Are you alright, sir?” A strange voice asked.
Steve startled. He looked around, but he didn’t see anyone.
“That’s Jarvis,” Tony said, coming up from his lab. “He informed me that I forgot about dinner.”
Steve’s stomach grumbled loudly.
“You know you can eat whenever you want,” Tony added.
Steve nodded, but he didn’t know where the kitchen was. So, he just followed after Tony.
“If you’re ever craving anything, just ask Jar,” Tony said.
Steve nodded. “I don’t need much.”
“It’s not about need,” Tony corrected. “It’s about want.” Tony sighed. He knew the concept was alien to Steve. Whipping up one of the few meals Tony knew how to make, he started boiling pasta and making a rue. Soon, the savory smell of fettuccine filled the room.
“Can I help?” Steve asked.
Tony shook his head. “Take a seat.”
Steve did so. He felt painfully out of place.
Tony set a plate of fettuccine before him. He sat across from him. “Okay, let’s talk.”
Steve almost dropped his fork.
“Obviously, this whole thing is weird.” Tony waved his fork around. “I mean Dad never really shut up about you.”
Steve frowned at the negative note in Tony’s voice when he talked about Howard.
“And I mean, you’re you.” Tony looked at him. “But you’re not exactly what I would’ve expected.”
“W-What did you expect?” Steve asked.
“Well, you’re supposed to be dead,” Tony pointed out. “And you’re supposed to be an Alpha.”
But Steve wasn’t.
“Dad never said that you were an Omega; neither did Mom or Peggy.” Tony sounded betrayed, even hurt. “But I guess it makes sense. What kinda makes sense is that you’re alive because of the serum. What doesn’t make sense is that you’re an Omega! What really doesn’t make sense is that you’re pregnant with my siblings!” Tony laughed hysterically.
Steve bowed his head.
“I want an explanation,” Tony said.
“I met Howard through Erskine. Even before it was official, dey had to run tests. I-I always hated hospitals, but Howard started flirting wit me to take my mind off it.” Steve lost himself in the past.
“You ever go out dancing, Stevie?” Howard asked.
Steve shook his head.
“I bet you’d be a great dancer, very light on your feet.” Howard grinned. “C’mon, a beautiful Omega like yourself couldn’t find a partner?”
“Never de right one,” Steve admitted.
The truth was he hadn’t wanted to go out dancing. After Sarah’s death, after what happened next, he had no desire to pretend for even a moment that the world was anything but dark.
“I’ll take you dancing when all of this is over,” Howard promised.
“But I dedn’t believe him,” Steve whispered. “Den Erkskine was killed. Howard went to de front. And I started selling war bonds. That’s when I met Maria.”
“You knew my mom?” Tony asked.
Steve smiled. “She was me best friend.”
Steve had never felt more awkward. He felt like a dancing monkey—
“You did just fine, darling.” Maria grinned. “The pups loved it! And their parents almost bought all of our bonds.”
“Really?” Steve asked. He’d felt like such a fool.
“Really, doll.” Maria kissed his cheek.
“Mom was a showgirl?!” Tony exclaimed.
Steve nodded. “She was one o’ de best dancers! I’ve never seen someone who could dance like that. It was like she could eat it!” “Eventually, we were sent overseas to perform for de army,” Steve remembered the faces of men, ghosts now, hallow and haunted while they were still alive. “That’s when I heard of de Howlies. I dedn’t know any of them, but I couldn’t leave ‘em behind.”
“Dad helped you.” Tony knew this part of the story.
Steve nodded. “He asked me out to fondue.”
“You fondue, Stevie?” Howard asked.
Steve gasped. He wasn’t exactly sure what fondue was, but he was pretty sure it was something inappropriate. “No!”
“After dat, it was like everything fell into place.” Everything had moved so fast. “I-I don’t know when it happened exactly,” Steve explained. “Alphas had never paid me much attention.” Except unwanted attention. “But Howard knew what I was,” Steve whispered. He had almost been able to forget his type, and he’d never felt so free.
“Why does that matter?” Tony asked.
“After real bad missions, I-I didn’t feel safe.”
Steve shivered. He couldn’t stop thinking of a pair of shoes.
The village had been bombed.
He had learned to let go of most of the horror and ruin of war. He had to, but then he spotted a small pair of shoes. Shoes that obviously had belonged to a small child—a baby.
Steve had wanted to break apart and mourn for a pup he didn’t even know.
But war doesn’t pause for grief.
So, he held it in until they were back at base. Falling apart like a heart of horror, he hadn’t noticed Howard's approach.
“You alright?” Howard asked.
Steve whimpered.
Howard hesitantly pulled him into his arms. He smelled like sunshine and rust.
Steve wasn’t supposed to act like an Omega. He was supposed to be a leader, a captain, an Alpha.
But Howard’s scent made him feel like he didn’t have to hide. He didn’t have to be strong. He didn’t have to prove anything. He didn’t have to pretend.
“Why didn’t you mate?” Tony asked.
Steve sighed. “Technically, I was government property. I wasn’t allowed to breathe without permission.”
“And Dad was fine with that?”
“God, no. Howard hated it. Said we should elope and run off to Switzerland.”
Tony laughed.
“But I was Captain America,” Steve said. “I was de only one who had a shot at taking down Schmidt and Hydra.”
The truth was they would’ve never worked. They worked because of the war. But after?
Steve was sure that Howard would realize that he could do so much better.
“Did you know you were pregnant? Did Dad?”
Steve shook his head. “Dr. Cho thinks de serum hid the symptoms.”
“Think I’ll offer her a job,” Tony muttered.
“What was Howard like?” Steve asked.
Tony sighed. “He changed after the war. He was a sorry excuse for a husband and a crappy dad.”
A tear slipped down Steve’s face.
“He talked about you all the time,” Tony admitted. “I hated you, but I didn’t realize he loved you.”
“H-He was on de radio with me,” Steve whispered. He hated that he had broken that brilliant man so deeply.
Tony gasped. “He always said it was Peggy!”
“Peggy?” Steve asked.
“I guess it was to hide your type,” Tony hypothesized.
“I’m sorry you never got to see him,” Steve said. “Howard was so hopeful…”
Tony chuckled bitterly. “I guess I’ll take your word for it.”
“What happens now?” Steve asked.
Tony stared at him. He looked so much like Howard, as if the whole world was an equation. “Now, we just keep plugging along.”
Steve smiled at one of Howard’s favorite expressions.
“How old are you?” Tony asked suddenly.
“Twenty-two,” Steve admitted.
“Damn, that’s young!” Tony exclaimed.
Steve shrugged. He didn’t feel young. The war had stolen any semblance of innocence and youth he had left. He felt more like Rip Van Winkle, a hundred-year-old man who didn’t belong in the future.
“I think I’ll see if Dr. Cho would be willing to come and work here,” Tony mused. “She’s a hell of a doctor.”
“I like her,” Steve said softly.
Tony grinned. “Then it’s settled.”
“What ‘appens after de bairns are born?” Steve asked, trying to keep the fear out of his voice.
Tony frowned. “I mean we can reevaluate, but I’m not exactly sure what you mean.”
“How long will ye let me stay wit de bairns?” Steve hoped that Tony wouldn’t send him back to Shield.
“Look as far as I’m concerned, we’re family.” Tony squeezed Steve’s hand. “You can live here as long as you’d like, and you’re those babies’ oma.”
Steve breathed a sigh of relief.
“So, this last thing is the only thing I’ll ask of you,” Tony warned.
Steve bit his cheek.
“You can’t be Captain America anymore.”
Steve wanted to fight for it. He had died to become Captain America.
Captain America was the embodiment of freedom…
“It just wouldn’t be safe for you or the babies,” Tony said. “You’re an Omega. Folks just wouldn’t be comfortable with it.”
“A-After the bairns?”
Tony shook his head.
“Can I keep the shield?” Steve asked. “I-It was a gift from Howard.”
Tony sighed. “I don’t think—”
“It’d make me feel safer!”
“Fine.”
Life is constantly moving, constantly changing. Steve almost wished he could go back to being frozen, but he couldn't. As awful as it sounds, he was grateful when Tony was called in for a mission. He had more freedom without the Alpha hovering over him.
Tony meant well, but he only saw Steve as a pregnant Omega.
Steve wasn’t even allowed to know the details about this mission. But he knew he could help, goddammit! He was one of the best strategists in the world, but now, his mind was reduced to pregnancy brain fog.
The only outlet he had was the gym. He was sure that Tony wouldn’t approve if he knew, but oh well, what Alphas don’t know won’t kill em. Steve hit the punching bag over and over again. He hit it until his fists bled.
Azzanzo flashed through his mind.
The skeletal figures of the Howlies haunted him.
The deafening, awful noise of war screamed at him.
Fighting with Schmidt, the inhuman stretch of red skin.
Hearing Howard’s voice for the last time, the agony of a broken bond.
The jolt of the Valkyrie crashing into the ice and the absolute terror of death—
“Hey, take it easy,” a soft voice interrupted his tumultuous thoughts.
Steve growled when someone hesitantly touched his shoulder.
Soothing Alpha pheromones hit him right in the face.
Steve couldn’t let his guard down. As an unmated Omega and pregnant to boot, he was too vulnerable to let an Alpha get too close.
It didn’t matter that this Alpha smelled like sage and smoke… The Alpha held up his hands in surrender. He even went so far as to show his jugular, proving that he was not a threat.
Steve stared at him in shock. He’d never seen an Alpha give an Omega that much respect.
“You’re bleeding,” the Alpha said softly.
Steve shrugged. It would heal.
“It’s fine. I’m ‘eaded home anyway.” Steve walked past the Alpha towards the locker room. He tensed when the Alpha followed him.
He grabbed his stuff from the locker and shucked off his sweaty shirt.
The Alpha gasped. “Y-You’re…”
“Yeah,” Steve muttered, angry that his condition was the only thing that mattered.
***
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