Peter Benjamin Pinocchio Parker- Ok his name did not have Pinocchio in it but it probably should be given that he cannot lie through his teeth AND alliterations are always pretty neat- is your “typical” doe-eyed, smile rivaling cotton candies, and ass carved like a Greek statue 23 year old. He works a 9 to 5 at Stark Industries and is practically married to his interests. His second middle name if he ever had one, next to Pinocchio, is nerd- The one you want to make out with.
Okay , with everything considered, maybe he isn’t typical. (no he really isn’t- he’s built like a wet dream and a barn of puppies and cats but insecurities really mess you up like that).
It doesn’t help that Richard ‘Dick’ Jones, this semi-decent looking gym rat he matched on Tinder, (Peter, admittedly, laughed way too hard because of a penis joke for a 23 year old, but was soon to wallow in self-pity when) the guy hyped up the date for days only for him to bail last minute and basically sent Peter a big FUCK YOU when he stood him up because he had another date to go to. How did he figure this out? They traded their IG handles on their 2nd day of talking and through Richard’s story right at the moment, he had another twink to spout empty compliments to.
And there’s another person on Peter’s blocklist.
‘who in d hell would stand u up???’ Michelle replied in a millisecond as soon as Peter sent a sad update on his sad situation (oh look, another alliteration!).
Peter frowned, shifting the popcorn on his right arm so that he could reply to MJ. He recalls Richard’s new banging date posted on his IG stories; he believed he could NOT compete with the guy’s blowjob lips. Not that it should be a big factor on why you should date people, but that wasn’t the point. If MJ or Ned were to hear this, they’d force Peter into looking in a mirror to stare at his ass. Because believe it or not, Peter didn’t think he had ass ets (heh, get it?) he could be proud of.
‘a dick, that’s who :p’ The brunet felt the corner of his lips twitch at his poor attempt at a joke. Minutes later and after some self-deprecating turned thoughtful, and now honest-to-Odin healing thinking, he felt better. Peter didn’t do casual and Richard with a small dick clearly had other motives that juxtaposes Peter’s. Wallet now 18 USD less, popcorns he definitely can’t finish, and basically dateless now (even though he’d plan everything out that included somebody beside him all the way), he enters cinema 4 alone to watch The Nun.
Peter, bless his heart, was not the one for horror movies. He didn’t scream at every move nor sound, but he doesn’t enjoy watching nightmares personified on a huge fucking HD screen and a sound system that reached the core of his soul. Really, he only chose this movie because of the most cliche of reasons, to snuggle up on his date. With that thought process, Peter scoffs. Now his dumbass had no muscly arm to grasp on and his obligation to sit through a 18 dollar expense was too big to ignore.
The trailers started and people began filling up the empty seats. Further reminding Peter that he had bought the seat next to him so he was perpetually alone for the rest of the 1 and a half hour. He could hear murmurs of friends hanging out, the giggling of teenage couples finding excuses to grope each other in the dark, and many more things that should stay in the cinema and not be brought out in the world.
“What stays in Cinema 4, stays in cinema 4” Peter whispers to himself, giggling softly like a little school-girl at his silly little joke. He watched in excitement, amusement, and cringe as the flurry of trailers were presented. He reckons that playing children’s movie trailers in a cinema that was playing a Rated R movie was a bad business move, but anything to keep cash flowing, he shrugs.
The lights start to dim and Peter already feels the eeriness of it all. This wasn’t like watching Star Wars or [REDACTED] studios where audiences were really (and almost too much) receptive to everything happening on screen. Because right now, Peter can hear every wedgie adjustment the old lady was doing in front of him. He didn’t even realize he sank so low in his seat that he only was aware of it when his knees started aching (Ah yes, a sign of premature arthritis). The theater wasn’t fully packed but he could figure out that a lot of the movie-goers came in pairs or groups. Damn, at least they had people they could be spooked with.
Peter’s mind, because zoning out was probably the only thing he could do aside from using his phone or… watching the movie right now, trickled back to the backlogs waiting for him at home like a housewife longingly waiting for her husband. Except between Peter and his work undone due to procrastination was an emotionally absent relationship and this was the first time Peter found a good reason to stay outside today. Hey, maybe he’d get possessed by whatever evil entity The Nun was and he can find a reason to actually never have responsibilities.
…
“Procrastination be damned, I actually like to be busy,” Peter murmured to himself, “Except, there’s this like magic dust my apartment makes me inhale- It’s not mold, I think- and I lose every working bone in my body.”
He curses himself in the head when the old guy beside the old woman he was behind (her husband?) gave him a look before virtually moving away from Peter as much as the seat could allow him. Well, Peter Parker, when denied romance when he tries to look for it, does not fare well for himself. If the old guy could only know that Peter was a hit with the seniors! He’d have Aunt May to thank for that.
20 minutes into the movie, Peter has no fucks to give anymore. Er- he didn’t cause anarchy, but he was mostly over Lil’ Dicky Richard - No use crying over spilled milk, he thought.
He sipped on the blue lemonade that tasted suspiciously just like water with a tinge of lemon. He wasn’t all that scared anymore since his mind lovingly reminded him of everything waiting for him at home and his mind was juggling everything around- the irrational part of his brain that held his fear of horror movies and pigeons was too tired.
25 minutes into the movie, (Peter checks his phone often just in case Ned had an emergency that had something to do with Legos, lube, and wigs) Peter sees a figure going up the stairs approaching the backseats. Y’know, the area where he sits?
Now closer and the movie illuminating enough light to see more clearly, he sees this holy moly -
“That’s like, Adonis if he didn’t skip leg day in the flesh.” Peter whispers to himself, voice so soft that he almost can't hear it himself.
“Okay,” Peter breathes in as Mr. Muscles shimmies his way to…
“Hi there precious,”
Peter gapes. Sat beside him was the man himself. Peter cries (not really) a bit when he can smell Old Spice on the big guy. It took Peter half a second to compose himself and remember that this hulk of a man was actually talking to him. Trying not to look all that frazzled, Peter offers a shy smile,
“Hel- Hi there.” He says with the confidence he could muster.
The man chuckles and the reverb of his voice definitely did not affect Peter in any shape or form.
“I did not feel that in my heart, brain, and groin. No I did not.”
“‘S alright I sit here sweetums? Because golly , do my eyes strain too much when I sit up in the front. Oh- Wade, Wade Wilson bee tee dubs. And before you ask, I entered this cinema legally, not that there was any fun in that, but my dumb but juicy ass bought the seats right in front of that huge fucking screen! Had to go to the back before my eyes shriveled up like that old guy’s ballsack.” Wade, Peter can finally call him properly, says everything in one breath as he points to the old guy that tried to shimmy away from Peter. The waternade Peter was drinking threatened to projectile exit his nose. Stifling a grin, he tried to give Wade a disapproving look,
“Dude, you can’t just point fingers!” Peter reprimanded lightly, all in good fun. Wade snorts but immediately shuts up when the old woman glares at him.
“Someone’s got their panties in a twist.” Wade whispers to Peter. And Peter, oh God, tries not to laugh, “You have no idea.” Peter replies.
☆
Halfway through the movie, Peter’s not sure if he’s glad or unlucky that he bagged a mouthy Wade as his seatmate. On one hand, the guy was a delight to be with. He looked shady with his hood up and face mask to boot, but the guy screamed (the fun uncle - who probably needs therapy - in the family) vibes and maybe (absolute unit of a man) pheromones. But for Pete's sake, if he could just… control his volume and the extremities of his joke, perhaps Peter wouldn’t have to hide his face in his palms on more than one occasion. It was bizarre on so many levels because he barely knew the guy yet there’s no alarms blaring in his head.
“Ya’ think the fucking castle’s been badumzled by some rich weirdo and these sisters still praise The Lord there . . . It’s like they’re asking for an exorcism- Praying for it actually, ba dum tss.” Wade wiggled his non-existent eyebrows and grinned (maybe? The mask he was wearing had its fabric stretching) as Peter looked back at him with amusement and confusion.
“I get the prayer part,”
“Of course ‘ya do munchkin.”
“But what the hell is badumzled?”
Wade snorts for the tenth time they were together (Peter, you’re making counting gay as fuck) as he reverts his attention back to the screen, Peter flushing red as he realizes that Wade’s eyes and attention were on him longer than he thought.
He feels a solid arm slither its way behind his shoulders and swears he could actually scream. It’s warm, it’s attractive, and Peter’s pretty sure this is him falling for a stranger in record time. Real life interactions were much more… intimate than just flirting on some dating app. And you know what’s more intimate than real life interactions? Real life flirting.
While Peter’s question was left unanswered, the rest of the movie was filled with bickering. It was the first time he could comfortably banter with a fucking stranger who he didn’t even know what they looked like. It was strange because with Wade’s outfit, Peter should be screaming stranger danger and moonwalking away. But here he was, accepting flirtatious advances from the man and treating him as if they were partners-in-crime Brokeback Mountain style.
It took a couple of popcorn munchings from Peter’s end that he realized that Wade wasn’t drinking nor eating anything. With a little maneuvering, he offers the box of popcorn to Wade.
“Que?”
Wade laughs softly, “A man after my own heart. But no can do sweetkins-”
“Now you’re mixing nicknames and it’s starting to sound bad dude. And c’mon , you can’t not be eating popcorn in a cinema.”
Wade smiles (again, based on how his mask stretches) before staring at Peter with intent. What type of intent? Peter doesn’t know, but he’s starting to get nervous. He was about to ask Wade what was wrong but the mask that had Hello Kitty on it was now off Wade’s face and he was greeted with
“ Scars .” Peter breathed out.
“Yup, scars honeybunch. Ain’t the prettiest gal in town and I could probably give Valak a run of ‘er money.” Wade muses, but Peter and an idiot can detect the underlying tone of insecurity in the scarred man’s deep and gravelly voice.
Before Wade puts on his mask back, Peter offers (more like shoves) the popcorn box to Wade.
The younger man sighs, “Dude-,”
“Sounding pretty hetero there baby. It does not fit the skinny jeans you’re wearing.”
Peter splutters, “Wade, what the- You know what? Never mind. I’m being too presumptuous for the first date-”
“Date?”
Again, Peter wants to hide the way his neck then cheeks redden - but the movie decides to be a fucking dear and the cinema is filled with bright light, “Uhhh I mean-”
Wade smiles, Peter can see pearly whites peeking through his lips and he ascends to heaven for two seconds before realizing that the guy was actually too attractive. It was like the scars were there to nerf him – And even then, he was still super duper jaw dropping hot!
“Nah baby boy, you said this was a date. It’s a date alright. OOOOHHH! This is definitely a meet-cute as well. OH EM GEE This is like… The MLM content I wish I had when I was younger. I’d give our fanfic a million of kudos and a comment filled with emojis and keyboard smashes, you get me?” Wade giggles.
“Fudgerocks on a toe,” Peter thinks, “Wade is like… kinda bonkers. But it’s… cute?.
...
Yeah, I blame the waternade.”
“I…” Peter wanted to say that Wade was still banging hot with the scars and all. But Peter knew the ugly feeling of insecurity. If Wade was uncomfortable with putting his scars on display, Peter wasn’t going to push his luck- He’d be a hypocrite to force Wade to do something he didn’t want. The scars Wade had looked raw. It didn’t look like something that could be fixed. Hell, maybe this was the fix.
It wasn’t that he pitied Wade. He genuinely found Wade attractive both physically and personality wise. Perhaps it’s because he’d imagine him and Wade hanging out afterwards, after this supposed meet-cute, and he didn’t want Wade to have any reservations when it came to him. But even if Peter might’ve had a bit of an attachment issue, the young man still knew boundaries and definitely respected them. Even the boundaries of the guy he met moments ago and is probably now the star of every (wet) dream Peter will have for the next three months.
He gulps, and he smiles as softly as possible. He doesn’t know, but Wade’s heart did a little backflip at that display.
“I just want you to eat, yeah?”
“Hmm yeah, this popcorn isn’t the thing I want to eat sweetcheeks.”
“You saying something Wade?”
“Uhh nope! Nada! Now give me some of that popcorn, you lil’ angelface! But I swear if this isn’t Bee Bee Q…”
☆
“SO YOU’RE TELLING THEY LEFT HALFWAY THROUGH THE MOVIE?” Peter exclaimed, face red with shame as Wade clutched his sides, the strength of his laughter almost painful.
Wiping an imaginary tear, Wade tries to compose himself, “Baby, we were giggling like a bunch of middle-schoolers looking at yo mama jokes. Not exactly the optimal cinema experience for those wrinklers.”
Peter face-palmed. He couldn’t imagine that he’d lose control of his volume in the cinema. He looks back at Wade who was digging something in his pocket. Peter bites his lips as he drinks up Wade’s figure. This was definitely some Deity’s prank. No chance in heaven nor hell did this day actually happen with his Parker Luck. So if all were to crash and burn at the end, he’d make everything count goddamnit.
“Take a picture, it’d last-”
“Longer, yeah Wade. But the real thing’s got nothing on some photo.” Peter flirted. God, did he actually just say that? In a split second, he could feel the regret weighing in. But a few moments later, he feels Wade approach him.
Now face to… neck , Peter’s eyes were wide as he tipped his head back to properly look Wade in the eye. With The Hello Kitty mask back on, he couldn’t tell if the man’s expression was blank or anything (Wade was smirking, Peter would never know though).
“Sorry you had to see me look like I was scratching my balls BTW,” Wade says, saying BTW as it is and forgetting he was in a face-to-face conversation, “But I conveniently found this napkin with my number on it!”
“Holy shit.”
“Bad word! Baby, you can’t be saying dirty shit like that. How would God react when he finds out his angel spoke of dirty, naughty words?” Wade flirted as if he was breathing air. This man got all the game Peter wished he had. Even an ounce of Wade’s skills would be enough for Peter.
“S.. Stop calling me baby. It’s Peter. Peter Parker.”
“HOLY SHIT WE’RE ALLITERATION BUDDIES! Oh my God, are you sure- like triple duper mega sure- that I wasn’t kidnapped by an evil organization and I’m hallucinating RN because like, you’re too unreal.” Wade walks around Peter, “Can I touch your ass?”
Peter blinks, “I’m as real and as nerdy as one could get, Wade. Andddd, no. I don’t do ass touching on the first date.”
“GOSH DARN IT!” Wade exclaims, flailing around like a three year old but soon stops and grabs Peter by the shoulder.
“So there’s a second date?”
Peter smiles, Wade grabbing his chest and acting as if someone shot him right at the chest, “Yup, oh God, you’re definitely someone sent to kill me.”
“And if I am, I usually do that on the first date. And you’re alive.”
There’s this undeniable chemistry between them and it's not just Peter projecting.
After more banter, he feels a hand slide into his back pocket. Peter squeaked as he felt the hand lightly squeeze his peach before retracting away.
“Dude, what the hell!?” Peter felt all blood go to his face. Wade looked way too satisfied.
Pulling up his mask and getting all up on Peter’s face, the younger man’s sense of smell was flooded by the familiar scent of Old Spice. Wade gives Peter’s face a one-over before speaking, “It was nice meeting you, Petey-babe. We totes have to do this again.” With a wink and a flick of a hand that meant a farewell, Peter watches the large frame of Wade get smaller and smaller.
He grabs inside his back pocket and feels a napkin. Taking it out and reading its content, he concludes that the handwriting was definitely Wade’s and his chest feels disgustingly warm at the object.
PETER PARKER! YOU ARE SWEETEST THING A MAN LIKE ME HAS EVER SEEN SINCE BEA ARTHUR <3 XOXO
CALL ME?
XXXXXXXXX
With a stupid, dopey grin, he texts MJ.
‘i need u 2 come over later and punch me in the face bc no way did today just happen’