-Carina
I never thought it was possible to love someone as much as I love Maya. All through out my life, I’ve had to take care of people and do what was needed to provide for their needs while ignoring my own. I know things were difficult with Maya for awhile, and there was a point in time it felt like I was being transported back to a time that left me broken, but that was just another chapter in our love story. No marriage or relationship is easy.. if it was then what is there to build on, what is there to fight for.
Watching her get better and become the best version of herself has made me fall in love with her all over again. If it’s possible, I believe I love her even more. She has brought me so much joy within my soul in these last few years that I can’t look past that.
She calms my storms. She washes away my worries. She’s MY light that leads me to a place I find peace, to find home.
I was scared for awhile for us, but looking at her now gives me so much hope. She’s standing there with that stupid, dorky smile on her face. It’s the smile that always leaves me speechless and makes me weak in the knees. I’m surprised I’m still standing.. but I know if I was to fall she’d catch me before I hit the ground. She’s looking at me like I hang the moon. But little does she know.. she’s my moon and so much more. She’s my everything. I have to close my eyes to breathe...the need to breathe her in is somewhat embarrassing, but not really because it's her. And the scent of My Maya is intoxicating. I need a second to compose myself, to tell her.
The nights when we are apart, I close my eyes and imagine her strong arms wrapped tightly around me, keeping me safe, keeping me warm, blocking out all the grief and loneliness I’ve felt in these past months. Even when we were at our worst and away from each other, the mere thought of her arms around me always brought me some kind of peace.
I fully agree that us starting over is what’s best for us. I believe this is going to make us stronger. I know this because that’s my wife standing right there in front of me.
My Maya, my Bambina is right here. I see it in her eyes, I see it in her actions. She’s coming home. She’s come back to Me. She’s allowed herself to find some peace in that chaotic, beautiful mind of hers.
I want to tell her all of this. I want to tell her that she’s all I want. How could I possibly want anyone else? She has my heart. Dio Mio, she has every part of me. She owns every part of me.
Am I still scared that she’ll go back to her old ways when things become too overwhelming? Yes. Am I scared that she’ll forget about us again and go eyes forward? Yes. Am I scared that I won't be enough for her to keep her grounded? Yes. It’s a worry that eats me up inside in the middle of the night. I hate that I still hesitate, however that doesn’t mean that I have lost faith in her, in us.
If anything, I have more faith in us because I see her trying. She’s trying so hard that I can’t allow myself to continue to be selfish. Because I know it wasn’t all her wrongful doing. I know I said some things and I know that my approach on some things weren’t exactly warming. I know pushing her makes her even more overwhelmed and closed off as she feels like the walls are closing in around her. I know now.. I see my wrongful doing, my neglect on my wife. It hit me all at once one night while laying in bed remembering all the little meaningless fights we had. Instead of giving her the support she needed, I just kept telling her she needed help…that she needed to change, she needed to be better for us. Little did I know at the time, I was creating a barrier between us because Maya is like a wounded puppy only wanting support and love. So when it’s not present and she’s scared and doesn’t know how to proceed.. she proceeds the only way she knows how to protect herself and that is to run far from the source that is bringing her anguish.
I’m just so used to approaching things in a certain way that I ignored what my wife needed of me. I know I took some of that warmth surrounding our love away. I also then created a wall that kept her out to protect myself from her. My precious sweet Maya. I hate myself a little just knowing the damage I also caused.
So that’s what made selfish. I blamed a lot of what we were going through on her and it’s not fair to her. She’s putting all the work in, now it seems to look like I’m the one waiting here for to get better? Maybe those aren’t the right words, but I can’t allow myself to continue to put all the blame on her. I can’t allow her to think that all of this is on her. It takes two people to be in a marriage…to keep that marriage afloat, to allow it grow and prosper.
She’s trying, so it’s my turn to also try. It’s my time to put in the work because I want my wife back, I want the love of my life back in my arms. I need her to know that I’m right here with her, to support her. I need her know that I’m not going anywhere, even if it takes us some time to get back to where we were.
But, do I want to be where we once were? I don’t think so because I have a feeling the place we’re heading to will be so much better, so much warmer, so much more fundamentally stable.
She’s warmer. She looks so much younger and free of the things that clouds her mind on a daily. She’s so beautiful it actually hurts my entire existence because that beauty is what has kept me afloat all these years I’ve been with her. Everything that pours out of her has always been poured into my being. She has become apart of me, has awoken something in me the day I laid eyes on her. My soul never felt so light and free till our eyes met. No one has ever made me feel so seen or safe. So now I can close my eyes and picture her face, see her smile, hear her laugh. The voice she only uses with me, if I close my eyes and shut out everything surrounding me there is only Maya and myself.
To fall asleep after a long shift I would close my eyes to hear her singing to me softly in the lonely dark room I lay in. In the bed that is not ours. The bed that feels like I’m laying on rocks because I don’t have her by my side, she makes everything soft and warm. She’s my safe haven even on the lonely nights that I can’t reach out for her. She has that power to keep me grounded even when she’s not in my presence.
I believe I’m like that for her too? At least I hope. I hope she sees me as a safe place. I want to be her safe place again.
She doesn’t allow herself to be loose or free outside of our little bubble often, but I see her shoulders less tense and her eyes are less wild when she’s around her team. She’s smiling, laughing and dancing again. She’s so fucking beautiful that it should be a crime. I love seeing her this way. I love seeing her free of some of the things that have been haunting her for so long. I love seeing my Maya break those barriers that were guarding her heart. As much as I love being her safe place, I love seeing her open up to the other people closest to her. When you have been through everything that she has been through, seeing the light in her eyes is a true blessing.
My love is coming back to me and I couldn’t be more happy.
So, I open my eyes and breathe in everything that is My Maya. I tell her.. You are the light that leads me to the place where I find peace. You are the strength that keeps me walking. You are the hope that keeps me trusting. You are the light into my soul, you are my purpose, you’re everything, You Are MY Everything. How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you? You calm the storms and you give me rest. You hold me in your hands that won’t let me fall. You stole my heart and take my breath away. I can’t help but breathe in everything that is you. There is nothing, no one better than you. You complete me, you are my soulmate. The love of my life.. My life wouldn’t be so bright without you. You’re all I want, all I have ever wanted. Bambina, you’re all I need. Thank you for coming back to me, but mostly thank you for being you and showing me what love truly is. Ti amo, amore mio.