Chapter 2
You stepped off the train cautiously, tiptoeing as if you weren’t in a sea of people.
There was no guarantee Otto would be back, but he now knew your route and it was only Tuesday. Meaning he knew where you’d be heading for the next few days.
The weekend would, hopefully, be a gamble in Otto’s mind but you were often at the library nearby work on days off. Meaning you were always in this area and he most definitely could figure that out.
Otto. A mysterious man with a heap of curls who seemed awfully confident about his body. Either that, or he just couldn’t get clothes to fit right with his extra limbs and all. He really was a sight.
If it’s all confidence, as you suspect, your chest pangs with jealously. I wish I could walk around shirtless, you think with a sigh. Top surgery wouldn’t be any time soon for you. Even with insurance, it broke the bank and binders were no longer accessible as your weight was fluctuating a lot on T. It was disappointing every time they stopped fitting and yeah you sold the used ones, but not enough to make back for the loss. It was becoming inefficient and extremely frustrating. You used trans tape most days but it was difficult to the hang of these past few weeks.
By far the most exciting thing about starting T was your chest started to shrink. You had been informed that this was a possibility but it seemed like so much was already gone. Maybe you were imagining the extent of it. Other times it felt like not enough was gone.
Either way, you acknowledged the change and were happy.
But him? In those goofy glasses and funky trench coat? That was THE definition of gender envy. Gender envy like you’ve never left before.
Did you want to be with him or be him? After thinking about Otto during your sleepless night, you still didn’t know.
The light turned and you crossed the street, shaking your head. I need to move on, you thought. Actually, that’s worse. This isn’t a break up. Move on? Who was I kidding? He probably just wanted a hostage or someone to trust him so he could manipulate them. No way in hell he wanted me for any good reason.
You arrive at work ten minutes later without incident. The day goes by slowly. Your colleague from a desk over, May Parker, invites you to have lunch with her at the mall down the street. You accept, having fallen into this rountie after the past few months. So much so neither of you needed to ask, you already knew to block your public calendar as busy. Don’t want lunch meetings? Just add a meeting in place. It wasn’t nesccarily a lie. You were meeting with May. Just not for work.
May is the only person at work you trust enough to come out to.
“I was thinking you probably need some new clothes again,” she said on the walk over.
You groan.
“How did you know?”
“You’ve been pulling at your collar,” she observes. “Either out of dysphoria or they’re uncomfortable.”
You shrug, staring straight ahead. This is still so embarrassing.
“A bit of both.”
“[y/n].”
You turn to look at her.
“I was talking about this with my nephew, Peter. He’s going through something similar but you don’t need to feel embarrassed about it.”
You groan.
“But that’s how puberty is! It makes you embarrassed about everything. I know it’s irrational with certain things. Like talking about my body is of course embarrassing but other things aren’t. Or at least shouldn’t be. I’ve been getting embarrassed about how I walk. I think I move funny and I’m so self conscious about my voice,” I say quietly.
I know no one walking by is listening but it’s still mortifying.
“That’s what Peter says too. He’s always complaining and switching the subject on me. But I think he’s talking about T with Ned a bit. I overheard them last night. Ned talks loudly and Peter was trying to shush him.”
You laugh, turning the door handle.
“Want to get pizza?” May asks, already knowing the answer.
You nod, already pulling her along. She sits in your usual spot and you go up to order. It was your turn to pay.
“Hey, sweetheart,” says a voice behind you.
Otto? There was no mistaking that deep voice. Only, he was clearly making it deeper again on purpose to fluster you… it was working.
That was the second incident.