Chapter 3
As I look at the clock I realize that I overslept, it is way too late to still not be dressed, The sun shines through my window and blinds me. So I rush out of bed and put on my clothes, a sweatshirt that lay on a chair and some pants I’ve worn for the last couple of days already, then I run downstairs, my steps echoing in the empty house, May and Coulson often leave before me because they have to be earlier than me to school, I prefer to walk the short distance instead of ride with them earlier than I have to. I quickly find a cereal bar, then I run back up again, I have to quickly search my room for Jody's vest until I find it under some old clothes lying on the floor. I give Jody some food before I put on his vest. I can see that he senses that I’m stressed, he keeps nudging me, and I ignore him.
twenty minutes after I wake up, I leave through the door. I lock it and then begin my walk to school.
The walk is a daze, I think I’m catching a cold or something, or maybe it’s just anxiety. I have an English test later today. My body feels heavier than usual, and my head is foggy. As I look around at the surroundings, everything seems too light, and too loud. Before I realizes it I’m at school, the walk felt like it took only seconds.
I see Jemma and Fitz waiting for me at their usual spot in front of an oak tree. They haven't seen me yet, they seem busy arguing about something, probably something unimportant that Simmons insists that she’s right on. She throws her hands in exaggerated movements as she explains something to Fitz. He stays calm and talks back to her slowly. He does that when he’s annoyed, he speaks slowly so that he doesn’t start to yell. If he starts to yell, you know you're not leaving that argument on top. He always knows everything and he knows exactly when to use each argument to get you to give up. It’s so annoying. To be honest I don’t think I’ve won more than one argument against him. Against either of them. They’re like a thousand times smarter than me.
When I close in on them Simmons notices me and big smile exchanges an annoyed look on her face within seconds, the argument suddenly flies away with the wind.
“Hi! How are you?” She exclaims and we begin to walk into the school.
“Ehm, I feel fine. How about you guys, how’re you?” I answer it’s a half-lie, I’m fine, just fine. Feeling a bit off but that's nothing worth mentioning.
“I’m good” They answer in a choir, it’s charming when they do that, it happens quite a lot actually. Sometimes it feels like they have the same mind.
We walk into the school in silence and after a while, we separate to go to our lockers. We meet up again only minutes after separating. We head for the first class of the day. Mine is Biology and theirs is chemistry. The classrooms lie next to each other. On our way there we somehow start to talk about how Simmon’s dad backed into a car last Saturday, we have a good laugh about it until we hear the bell ring. We say quick goodbyes and leave for separate classes.
A dissociative feeling fills me as I sit down at the desk in the classroom and the teacher starts to speak. His voice lingers in my mind for too long after he stopped speaking.
***
I know what’s happening, And Jody knows too, he has been nudging my leg with his paw for five minutes, but I haven’t noticed.
I can feel it coming. Everything feels dazed, it feels like I’m not really attending my English class, I don’t know how to explain it but I feel like I’m somewhere, no, I feel like I’m nowhere. I feel unattached to my body, when I look at my hands, they don’t feel like they belong to me. It’s like I’m looking at someone else.
At first thought, I thought it must be anxiety but it’s been going on for the whole day, getting gradually worse. I’m pretty sure I’m not having an anxiety attack.
I can feel as my hand raises into the air, but it doesn’t feel like I’m controlling it. And then I see when the teacher walks closer to me, but it takes too long to process and I start to speak too long after she reached my desk.
“I need to, uh, I need to go,” I whisper so that the rest of the class won't hear me in the silence of the classroom. My voice feels shaky, but maybe it’s not really shaking. I don’t know.
“Why? We are having a test, there are twenty minutes until class ends. Can’t it wait?” The teacher asks, her voice steady, she knows she has the authority.
“No, I, I need to go,” I say, quickly, but it still comes out as slow. I can feel a headache coming on.
“Why?” She asks, insisting on an answer. She seems to be annoyed.
“It’s an emergency,” I say. I don’t know why but I don’t really want to tell her the real reason, it’s almost embarrassing.
The teacher looks at me up and down for way too long. Like she’s deciding if it’s worth arguing or to just let me go. Her eyes stay an extra second at Jody. Then she looks up to meet my eyes. I don’t know if we’re actually looking each other in the eyes but it feels like it.
“Okay, but hurry.” She gives in after the long pause of silence.
“Thanks,” I say but I don’t know what I’m thanking her for. I stand up as quietly as I can, I hug Jody’s leash tightly and begin to walk out of the quiet room. After I close the door I pick up my phone to check the time. 02:34 pm.
Before I know it, I’m knocking on a door, my hand weak and shaking. I can hear someone walking closer to the door before it opens, revealing May. She stands there, her hair free, hanging down her shoulders, her blazer is open, and underneath is a white shirt, the basic teacher outfit. At first, her face is tight and serious but as she processes my presence her expression softens.
I look behind her and a sea of students are looking our way, it seems like she was having a presentation on the cold war, judging by the presentation currently shown by the projector. The room is completely quiet, and so is the hallway, everybody’s in class.
“What are you doing here?” May asks, worry hiding in her voice. I know everybody hears our conversation, the fact that she’s whispering doesn’t give us much advantage, it’s way too quiet to matter.
“Ehm, you don’t happen to have any, uhm, medicine?” I whisper as quietly as I can. It feels like I cant’ relly control my voice.
“Oh. No, I don’t think so.” She says, closing the door behind her, the door gives off a squeal as it closes. “Are you going to have a seizure? Didn’t you take your meds this morning?” She then asks, her voice low and uncertain.
“No, I don’t think I, uhm, took them. I don’t know. I mean, I just, Everything feels… weird. I-I don’t know. Yeah, it’s a seizure. I, maybe. I just feel very weird.” I say, stumbling over my words, my voice getting stuck as I speak. I can’t get a grip on my mind, everything is fuzzy and cloudy.
“Oh, okay. Ehm.” She starts, her voice sounding really worried. She falls quiet for a few seconds, trying to think of what to do, this hasn’t really happened before. “Does it feel like it’s going to happen soon?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? Not like right now, but maybe within an hour? I—I don’t know.” I answer. This has happened before, I sometimes feel it coming before it happens. It was a while ago, I remember it, the feeling. But I don’t remember how long it took or anything like that.
“Okay. We need somewhere peaceful, and maybe you can stay there? I don’t know if we have time to go home. There are unfortunately not a lot of quiet places in this school…” She trails off, trying to figure out a place that would be fitting. “ I don’t know. maybe the teachers’ lounge. It’s pretty quiet. Phil or I will sit with you there. Okay?” She asks, I can see that she’s stressed but mostly worried. Her eyes are locked in the distance, on something only she can see.
“Yeah, okay,” I say.
I watch as May turns around and opens the door to the classroom. “Class is dismissed.” She steadily announces to the freshmen inside. She then turns to me. “Come on.” She says and begins to walk away. The weave of students flows out of the classroom as we walk away, gossip filling the corridor to the brim. It fades as we leave to go to the teachers' lounge.
***
I'm sitting on a carpet, my back leaning against a hard couch. The carpet’s soft, I brush it with my fingers. Jody lies next to me, his head in my lap, with my other hand I’m petting him. I feel like I’m half asleep, drifting between consciousness and unconsciousness, it feels like I've lost time. In my peripheral vision, I see how Coulson carefully watches me while also working on his computer. The clicking och his keyboard echoes emptily in my head,
I’ve been sitting here for twenty minutes, just waiting for it to happen. May had to leave, she had classes to teach. But Coulson found a replacement teacher for his next class so he got the duty of staying with me. It seems like he doesn’t mind, but I still feel bad that I cause so much trouble for them all the time. They have been so kind to me and I repay them by being a burden. I’m messed up and they think they can fix me. Save me.
I don’t think I can be saved. Or fixed. I am forever broken, falling into pieces.
I think me not isn’t worth them, they is— What?
Jody sounds like he’s underwater, his bark is isolated and it echoes against the softness of the liquid. It bubbles inside my mind as everything goes black.
***
I slowly open my eyes, it feels like they weigh more than the ocean, and when I manage to open them, I’m hit by bright beams of light. I have to close them again for a few seconds before trying again. This time I’m more used to the brightness. I can make out my surroundings, my head is really dizzy and I just want to go back to sleep.
“Skye? Can you hear me?” The voice makes me flinch, it’s loud and the sound stays in my head longer than it has to.
“Yeah.” I half-whisper, not having the energy to actually talk. My body feels heavy and extra ly tired.
“Come on, let’s sit up.” Coulson then says, I turn to look at him, he’s smiling softly. I know he does it to comfort me, why else would he smile?
I feel oddly comfortable in his presence. He’s always so calm, he always knows what to say and he never judges. It’s not a feeling I’m very familiar with, but it feels nice. It feels nice to not worry about every little thing I do. It’s nice to not feel constantly scared.
We sit up, both leaning against the couch instead of sitting on it. I take a deep breath and tilt my head back so it lay on the couch, and I close my eyes. I take a moment to just think, i try to clear out my foggy mind.
“Are you okay?” Coulson asks with a low tone but his voice echoes loudly in my head.
“Yeah,” I answer, my tone weak. My eyes are still closed, I don’t want to open them.
“Do you need anything?” He asks. He cares so much, like a real parent. I sometimes wonder what it’s like to have real parents, that love you like you're theirs. I think it would be pretty close to the way Coulson cares about me, but what would I know?
“No, I’m fine,” I say, dragging out the last syllable. I hear as he stands up and a few seconds later when he opens the refrigerator. I hear as he walks back and I feel as he sits back down next to me. I open my eyes and see his hand extended in my direction, a water bottle in it. I look up at him and he smiles his typical soft smile.