Ksenia hated cameras with a passion. Even group pictures or selfies with her siblings would have her covering her face or ducking out of the frame.
It was quickly learned that Ksenia doesn’t want her picture taken and Yelena had to be firm with her Widows about respecting her wish.
All of her Widows had no photographs of their childhood that they could look back on. They didn’t have happy memories captured to look back on later.
Yelena tries to capture as many photographs as she can. Varvara hated having her photograph taken at first too but it was because of severe self-confidence and body image issues. She didn’t mind having her photo taken now, often seeing what goofy face she could pull right before Yelena took the photo.
Some of her Widows loved having their photos taken to look at when they’re upset and struggling. Irina always looked surprised in her photos but that was because her siblings loved to surprise her with sudden photographs. Daria had always been quiet and shy but she had the sweetest smile in her photographs. It was hard to capture smiling photos of Alice but seeing the genuine smile on her face as she is captured in moments of joy are always lovely to see. Viktoria had been unsure about having her photo taken at first but grew to enjoy it. Mischa had been hesitant at first because one of the first rules drilled into Widows was to leave no trace behind.
Yelena has photo albums and boxes of photos of her Widows. Some are pinned on her wall, some are frames, and the rest are tucked away safely.
Ksenia finds Yelena in her bedroom on her laptop, doing research on a Widow that Viktoria and Alice were trying to track down. She had a brown photo album tucked under her arm and stood waiting for Yelena to acknowledge her.
When Yelena finally turns to look at her, Ksenia shoves the book out at her. Yelena takes it in confusion, glancing up at Ksenia. “What about it?”
“Inside.” Ksenia tells her and Yelena sets the book down on her desk, confusedly opening the book to look for what Ksenia wanted to show her. Her initial thought was that it was damaged or broken but the inside is neat and pristine.
“Sweet girl, I don’t understand what you’re trying to tell me,” Yelena reaches her arms out and welcomes Ksenia into her lap.
Ksenia taps the first photo. Yelena looks down at the photograph of Daria and Varvara grinning widely at the camera, fruit roll-ups hanging from their mouths. “They’re happy.”
“Yes.” Yelena agrees, reaching up to run a hand over Ksenia’s hair. “They are. All my photos are happy moments.”
Ksenia then starts tapping the shirt on each girl in each photo and finally peers up at Yelena.
Yelena doesn’t understand what Ksenia is trying to tell her. “Nia, what are you trying to show me?”
“They’re wearing clothes.” Ksenia breathes out. Yelena blinks a few times, peering down at the photos before looking back up at Ksenia.
“Yes, sweet girl. They’re all wearing clothes. I don’t take pictures when they don’t have clothes on,” A sudden weight settles in Yelena’s gut. “Why do you think they wouldn’t be wearing clothes?”
Ksenia runs her fingers along the edge of the photo album.
Yelena closed the album and set it aside, her focus now entirely on Ksenia. “Did you have your photos taken without clothes?”
Ksenia won’t meet her eyes. “Sometimes… sometimes I got to wear my underwear and stuff…”
Yelena knew that Ksenia experienced sexual abuse. A lot of Widows did. But Yelena wasn’t familiar with Widows being photographed naked.
“That shouldn’t have happened,” Yelena tells Ksenia firmly, keeping her voice soft as Ksenia curls against her. “That was wrong.”
Ksenia was quiet, her head tucked against Yelena’s collar so that Yelena cannot see her face.
Yelena runs her fingers over Ksenia’s hair, kissing her forehead. “Do you understand why they shouldn’t have done that?”
Yelena remembers Melina teaching her things children her age knew. Stranger danger, bullying, and how her body was her own and nobody should touch certain places.
Yelena is reminded of how young Ksenia is and how some of her Widows may have never been taught that.
“No.” Ksenia says quietly. “If I was good then I got rewards.”
Yelena remembers how rewards came if their handler was pleased with their performance. Whether it be killing someone, pushing themselves past the limits, or pleasuring them. Rewards varied from hot showers to pieces of candy and chocolates to second helpings at dinner.
Yelena tries to recall how she was taught about ‘good-touch bad-touch’ but the memories are hazy at most. “You were and you still are a child.” She starts off. “Sexual acts should not have been taught to us. We should not have had to learn to seduce men, we should not have had to sleep with them to get information, and we should not have been made to strip for humiliation.”
It took Yelena a long time to learn that. It had been so normalized and they had grown up around that so it just seemed normal, just like beatings and cold showers.
“We were children. You still are a child. It shouldn’t hurt to be a child,” Yelena tells her gently, running a hand over her hair. “What was done to us was cruel and it was wrong and I’m so sorry that there wasn’t anybody there to stop it from happening.”
Ksenia was quiet for a few moments. “Oh.” She finally breathes out, slightly unsure.
“Until you are ready, absolutely nobody has to see you naked. You are not to undress in front of anybody if you do not want to and you shouldn’t be doing that until you’re at least eighteen. If you’re never ready, then that’s okay too,” Yelena doesn’t think a lot of her Widows will ever be ready for that. Only Mischa had sought out a relationship so far and Yelena didn’t even know if it was sexual.
“Never?” Ksenia repeats quietly.
“Never ever,” Yelena nods her head, adjusting Ksenia on her lap to prevent her legs from falling asleep. “You do not have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Whether it is getting undressed or having your photo taken. And if someone does make you uncomfortable then you tell me, okay?”
“What if it’s you?” Ksenia murmurs, her fingers playing with the collar of Yelena’s shirt.
“Then I hope you’ll tell me that I made you uncomfortable. But you can always tell your Aunt Nat or one of your sisters,” Yelena glances over at her laptop to check the time. “It’s almost time for bed.” She comments.
“I’m not tired,” Ksenia tells Yelena before glancing at the book that had been set aside. “Can… can we look at the pictures?”
Yelena reaches out and pulls the book into Ksenia’s lap so she can crack it back open. Ksenia leans her head against Yelena’s chest and watches as Yelena starts to tell her the story behind a lot of the photos.
Ksenia has a lot of questions, mainly about things that her siblings were doing. It was ranging from them attempting to make cupcakes to her Widows piled on each other as they watch a movie, absolutely enthralled.
Yelena tries to give her Widows bits of the childhood that was taken from them. She does things with them that she remembers doing with Melina as a child. Ksenia had always been reserved, preferring to watch rather than join in. Now, Yelena feels as though Ksenia had been waiting for something bad to happen.
It’s nearing midnight by the time they finish the first photo album. Ksenia looked sleepy but seemed content to just snuggle against Yelena.
Yelena closed the book and sets it aside before reaching out to close her laptop as well. She adjusts her hold on Ksenia and stands, hoisting the teenager up in her arms and cradling her close.
Yelena carries Ksenia to her bedroom, trying not to disturb Irina and Mischa who shared a room with Ksenia.
Irina was already fast asleep, burrowed under her covers. Mischa was awake and on her phone, texting who Yelena assumed was Phoebe. Mischa glances up at her, shoving her phone under her pillow as Yelena sets a sleepy Ksenia down onto her bed. Ksenia lets out a soft sigh as Yelena pulls the blanket up over her.
Yelena kissed the top of her head, smoothing the blanket out before approaching Mischa’s bed. “You should be asleep too.” She tells her.
“Yeah. I know.” She murmurs.
Yelena takes a seat on the back of her bed. “Can I ask you something, Mia?”
Mischa sits up slightly at the tone of Yelena’s voice. “Yeah.”
“You do not have to answer this question if you don’t want to, just tell me and I’ll drop it,” Yelena starts. “Do you realize that you should have never been made to have sex and that it was wrong?”
Mischa scrunches her face up at the question, reaching up to run a hand through her hair. “Yeah. Yeah, that wasn’t right. It fucking sucked and I think that maybe I’m still learning that. I’ve kinda realized that by talking with Phoebe and her friends.”
Yelena reaches out to ruffle Mischa’s hair. “Good. Get some rest.” She leans forward and kissed her forehead. “Don’t stay up too late.”
“Yes mom,” Mischa rolls her eyes with a grin as she flops back on her bed and lets Yelena tuck her in as she pulls her phone back out.
Yelena heads back to her room and makes a new note on her laptop on a list of things to do with her Widows.
- Talk with Baby Widows about sexual abuse and consent
Yelena heads to bed and it is not long before she’s joined by Daria, Varvara not too far behind her.
The next morning, Yelena watches as Mischa takes photos of Viktoria after Varvara smeared whipped cream from their waffles on her nose.
Ksenia approached Viktoria to sit with her and Mischa warns her that she was taking photos.
“I know.” Ksenia said quietly and Mischa hesitates, unsure if she should continue to take photos.
Viktoria tugs Ksenia into her lap and blows a raspberry against her cheek. Ksenia lets out a laugh at the action and Mischa takes a photo.
That’s the first photo Yelena has of Ksenia.
It’s one of the many photos of her second youngest Widow to come.