Old Habits

She can hear birds chirping. That’s the first thing she thought when she opened her eyes.

She can hear birds chirping, and she can feel a chill in the morning air.

She’s in Clint’s bed, she remembered. She’s naked in Clint’s bed. And he’s in a deep sleep beside her, snoring loudly and contentedly and if she could see his face right now, she was sure he’d be grinning in his sleep.

They’d opened the window at some point last night, and she fiercely hoped that his neighbor with the kids had been playing a loud movie on that flat screen she knew they had, because she recalled an instant replay and opening the window when it got too hot.

She also remembered a clumsy shower and after that finishing what she’d started the first time she went down on him, smiling inwardly in satisfaction when she thought now how silly it was that he’d made her stop the first time, fearing that he wouldn’t be able to fuck her properly. She’d lost track of how many times he’d made her come last night, but she definitely recalled four orgasms for him. That was two more than the old days, when they were young.

“Hey, you’re still here,” he murmured sleepily.

She rolled over to face him, pulling the blanket tighter over herself in the cold morning air. “Yeah.”

He gave her a groggy smile, tilting his head down to kiss her shoulder. “I figured you’d be most of the way back to California by now.” He reached for her. “You okay?”

She nodded.

“Want me to drive you to the airport?”

“I want you to hold me first.”

“C’mere,” he murmured, wrapping her up against his chest. He kissed her temple. “I love you,” he told her. “So much.”

She buried her face in between his chest and his arm. “I love you too.”

“Last night was amazing.”

She smiled. “Sure was.”

He held her close under the blankets for a while, caressing her back in soothing circles.

She closed her eyes, breathing in his fresh, clean scent, the new morning and the peace and quiet.

“Hey Nat?”

“Mmmmm?” she murmured, nuzzling him with her nose.

“You ever fuck Bucky like that?”

She opened her eyes. “I hate you.”

He grinned. “But you love me a little too.”

She groaned. “I love you a lot.”

“So, did you?”

“No,” she said, wanting to be irritated with him. Instead she only got irritated with herself for not being able to be irritated with him.

“Interesting.”

“No, it’s not.” She lifted her head. “Why, who’ve you fucked like that?”

“ No one.” He wrapped her hair into a ponytail in one hand, twisted it around his wrist. “I didn’t even know it was possible to fuck like that.”

“You’re annoying.”

He laughed. “So what? You love me anyway.”

She pressed her lips to his.

He paused for a moment, giving her ponytail a little tug. “Did you ever fuck….”

“Stop.”

“Okay, okay. I’m sorry.”

She swallowed hard. “Why is it so important to you?”

He combed the fingers of this other hand through the ends of her ponytail. “I don’t know. Just is.”

“Clint, I’ve never felt safe enough with anyone else to be like that.”

He released her hair from his hands, drawing her back into his chest. “You are safe with me, Nat. Always. I promise you that.”

“I know.”

“Be honest with me?” He asked.

She nodded into him.

“Did those feelings only surface because you saw me get hurt?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

“Well, anyway. I’m glad they did.”

“Me too.”

“Can I hold you a little bit longer?” he asked hopefully.

“Yes, please,” she mumbled.

He held her close, kissing her bare shoulder and her neck before resting his head on top of hers.

She squeezed her eyes shut, breathing in deep through her nose. “Clint, I have to tell you something.”

“Okay…” He sat up slightly. “What is it? You know you can tell me anything.”

She swallowed thickly, opened her eyes. “James and Stevie are still alive.”

His eyes narrowed sympathetically. “But, honey, we saw….”

“No, no. You think you saw.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

She shook her head. “It was all part of the plan. We faked it all so no one would come looking for them. Then James took them, hid them somewhere. Somewhere I don’t even know about.”

Clint watched her face, a slight look of horror in his expression.

She sucked in a shaky breath. “Only… I was weak,” she sniffed. “I had someone ask about them. So he had to move them… again. To keep them safe from me.”

“Geez, Nat.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” she cried. “But it was the only way.”

“You mean, your perfect family? They’re still out there somewhere? They can still come back?”

She shook her head. “No.” She sniffed again, wiping the back of her hand across her face. “They can never come back, Clint. That’s the point.”

“Baby…”

“I had to let them go to save them, and it’s like… like I have to let go of them all over again, every day. Just like I always have to let go of everyone I love.”

“Tasha…” He was still, but tense.

“So, when you hold me… “ She breathed deep again, her breath shuddering and her shoulders shaking. “Clint. Do you think you could hold me tight enough so I don’t fall apart again?” She bit her lip, preparing herself for the insane jealously that had always been his trademark personality trait, and the anger that once again, she'd chosen Bucky over him to help her with the most important thing in her life.

“Come here," he said softly. He leaned across the bed towards her, pulling her into his lap and scooping her into his arms.

She squeezed her eyes shut, holding tightly to him as she sobbed into him.

He pulled her to his chest, closing his eyes as he held her. “Maybe… maybe you don’t have to let go of everyone you love.”

She sniffled loudly.

“Maybe we’re the ones that never let go of each other.”

She sobbed, burying her face in his chest. “I like that,” she said tearily.

“Me too.” He held her close, rubbing slow circles on her back for awhile until she stopped crying.

“I can’t stay here too much longer,” she whispered sadly.

“I know.” He placed a lingering kiss on the side of her face. “At least let me drive you to the airport?”

She was quiet for a moment as she thought about all the times she’d called him and he’d come running. All the times she’d thought about not calling him because she knew he’d come, and then called him anyway because she knew he’d come.

“Maybe. Maybe… you could come with me?”

He breathed in deep through his nose. “Nat? You want me to fly back with you?”

She nodded, hating herself a little bit for asking him when she knew he’d say yes. “Come. Come back to San Francisco with me.”

“Yeah,” he said, putting a hand to his chin. “Yeah, I could do that. So long as Stark supplies the plane.”

XXXXX

She walked up to the open concept house she’d chosen as her more permanent headquarters, with Clint a half step behind her, carrying the suitcase he’d insisted on carrying after they’d made a pitstop at the mansion to negotiate transportation and she’d decided to take a couple of things she’d left at the mansion.

“She’ll probably be in a grumpy mood,” Natasha warned over her shoulder as she disarmed the hi tech security locks on the front door.

He wrinkled his eyebrows. “Since when is Yelena not in a grumpy mood?”

She grinned as they walked through the hallway and into the kitchen, where she heard multiple voices. “Honey, I’m home!” she called breezily.

Lucy’s mouth dropped open as she looked up and saw Clint enter the space beside her, but Yelena didn’t even blink.

“Well, it’s about time,” Yelena said with a yawn. “I was starting to think you’d gone soft and sentimental again, rejoined the Avengers or something.”

Natasha frowned. “Seriously? Dishes in the sink?”

Yelena shrugged. “You didn’t say you were bringing company.” She turned to Lucy. “Your face will get stuck like that,” she warned.

“Weird,” Lucy said, her voice carrying down the hall as Natasha motioned for Clint to join her. “I always thought that out of the two of them, she’d pick Bucky.”

“Me too,” Yelena agreed.

Clint rolled his eyes as Natasha led him into her bedroom.

XXXXX

The sun was shining, and the birds were chirping and she was naked in her bed when she woke up early the next morning.

Perhaps even more surprising was that she was not surprised that Clint was naked beside her.

After he’d helped her get settled, they’d gone back to the kitchen and ordered food, enjoying a large feast and easy banter and conversation with her friends.

Then she’d shown Clint a spare room where he could sleep for the night, but somehow they’d ended up kissing in her room.

The weight in her bed shifted suddenly as she felt something jump down and she reached up to the pillow, scratching Logan under his chin.

“I’m not sleeping with a cat,” Clint mumbled.

Apparently the feeling was mutual, because Logan jumped off the bed and scampered out of the room as soon as he heard Clint’s voice.

She rolled around to face him with an amused expression on her face.

“Good morning, beautiful,” he said with a smile, now fully awake. He reached for her hand, pulling it to his face and kissing her knuckles.

“Morning, handsome,” she returned, running her fingers through his hair.

He pulled her into him, kissing her bare shoulder and her neck. “Is it okay to get up and get something to eat in the kitchen? Or should I wait until everyone else leaves the house?”

She laughed. “I don’t think anyone here has any delusions about what we did in this room last night.”

“Okay,” he said, with a slightly sheepish smile as he found his boxers under the covers and pulled them on. “Breakfast, and then I’ll hit the road, I guess. Unless…”

“Unless what?” She asked, propping herself up on her elbow.

“Unless you’ll let me hold you a little longer,” he whispered.

She nodded, crawling towards him and letting him wrap her up in his chest.

“I missed you so much,” he murmured into her hair. “You have no idea.”

“I missed you too,” she said softly. “Even… even when I didn’t know I was missing you.”

He smiled, pulling the blanket over them. “How long do you think it’ll be until the next time?”

“Next time?”

He gently squeezed her shoulder. “Next time one of us calls the other and we end up fighting for each other again.”

“I don’t know,” she said softly. “But if old habits are anything to go on, I’d imagine it won’t be too long.”

He sighed, wrapping his arms around her tighter. “Nat?”

“Hmmmm?”

“You think next time you could call me before you call Bucky?”

“I can do that.” She tilted her head to kiss him.

He kissed her back eagerly, and soon a few kisses turned into kissing.

“Guess I should get going soon,” he said quietly. “We both know from recent experience where that leads.”

“I guess so,” she said, her voice nearly a whisper. “Unless…”

“Unless?”

“Unless you stay a little longer,” she said, looking up at him through a curtain of bright red hair.

He reached a hand up, brushing it back behind her ear. “Nat?”

“You did say you’d stay with me,” she said, lacing her fingers through his where he still held her under the blanket. “It doesn’t have to be for a long time, if you can’t. Maybe just…. just for a little while.”

“I’ve said that many times,” he pointed out. “But you never ask.”

“I’m asking now,” she said softly, putting her hand on his face.

“You are, aren’t you?”

“Stay here,” she whispered. “Stay with me. For a little while.”

He grinned, leaning his forehead against hers as he cupped her face in his hands before kissing her fully on the mouth.

“I thought you’d never ask.”