That wasn't Tony's first idea of a Christmas activity, but it was definitely fun.
"Santa was a naughty boy and deserves to be put in time out," he quipped while flying through the streets in pursuit of a very agile Santa Claus.
"Did they ever tell you that he isn't real, sir?"
"Don't ruin the fun, Jarvis. I don't get the chance to catch Santa with his hand in the cookie jar, well, the showcase of a jewellery, every day."
Said thief was jumping like the Hulk, taking hard turns with Tony on his heels. He had almost lost him a few times and finally succeeded to throw Tony off his trail amidst a Santa Claus convention.
"Jarvis, face scan."
"Match found: Santa Claus."
"Did they ever tell you he isn't real?"
Tony walked through the crowd of round, bearded people in red and white clothes while he waited for Jarvis' actual scan results and picked a Santa hat and a fake beard from somewhere to put them on. Natasha would be proud of his undercover talent. Besides that, Iron Santa should be a thing he concluded. No need to limit one’s merchandise options.
"Culprit detected," Jarvis said a few minutes and autographs later.
Tony excused himself from his fans and walked into a nearby alleyway. An empty alleyway.
"Are you sure?"
"Positive, sir."
Tony considered going back to the convention when he caught a lump of coal aimed at his head.
"Wha-" The lights in his helmet went out. He fell down like a stone, unable to move or control the suit. Deprived of hearing or seeing anything going on, Tony's pulse began to rise until he could feel his heart beating hard against his chest.
"It's fine... An EMP probably. The systems will reboot," he said to no one in particular when something started scraping at his suit. Tony could feel metal parts getting ripped off and tried to kick and punch the attacker off of him. The weight of the suit did all the fighting back for his attacker.
Someone grabbed his helmet and ripped it off in one harsh motion.
Tony stared into piercing yellow eyes, set in a sickly white and ragged face of a... man? A beast? He wasn't sure and the thick fur and goat horns didn't help.
"You aren't Santa," he croaked.
"No," the humanoid shape said, his voice sharp and high pitched. "I am Krampus and you're a naughty boy, who gets lumps of coals and," He ripped the last pieces off, using his large, spindly claws. He put a hoof on Tony's neck, almost choking him. ", deserves a proper switching."
It wasn't until now that Tony noticed the 'rod' on Krampus' back, which was actually a club. A club smashed down on his chest a second later, draining all air out of his lungs. Tony rasped, unable to scream due to the hoof pressing against his throat. He needed air. He needed to breathe! But no matter how much he clawed at him; he couldn't get the beast to move.
"Don't be a naughty boy. Don't be mean to Santa, getting presents."
Tony stopped as the pieces connected. The thief didn't escape. This was the thief! Not that it helped him one bit as the club connected again. He could hear his reactor break in his chest and this time, it did hurt enough to scream.
While breathing had been hard before, now it was impossible. Tony's movements became more uncoordinated, more desperate, as he tried to get his assaulter off of him. He needed to before he lost his consciousness.
Krampus raised the club again and Tony knew this would be the final strike.
But instead of the club smashing into him, something smashed into Krampus, finally throwing him off. The world around Tony started to become small and black when Steve kneeled over him catching his shield without even looking at it. Show off.
"Are you alright?"
Tony, unable to talk, clawed at his chest.
Steve nodded.
"Falcon, backup needed. Get me an arc reactor." A short silence followed with Steve listening to someone on the com. "Copy that."
"You?" was all Tony could muster through the stupor.
"Jarvis sent a warning signal when your suit got shut off." Tony's confusion must have been visible because Steve added: "I asked him to." He smiled probably from being proven right to babysit Tony through his own AI. And Steve's smile was the last thing Tony saw before the darkness overcame him.
Tony woke up with a deep gasp. His ribs hurt, his lungs burned, and his limbs felt like overcooked noodles but he was alive. Only on the second breath, he realised the piercing pain exploding in his chest.
"Lie down. Your rips are broken." Steve held him down with gentle, but final pressure. He smiled again, but couldn't keep the worry completely off his face. "It's over. Sam took Krampus to the police."
"Wish I could've seen the fight," Tony said between shallow breaths. Captain America fighting the Krampus. What a weird and yet fitting image. "The real Santa wears tight pants."
"You almost died, Tony." Apparently, Steve wasn't in the mood for jokes. "Hold on. I'll get you home." He took Tony carefully in his arms until he carried him like a bride.
Tony rested his dizzy head against Steve's broad shoulder. "I must have been a nice boy after all."
Steve eyed him; his gaze heavy with meaning. "No, you're still very naughty."
The new reactor must have been broken, too, because breathing became harder for Tony again.