"Darcy, what's a 'coastal grandma?'" Steve asked.
She shifted against him - they were back to back, leaning on each other as they sat on the couch in the communal living room, each scrolling on their phone. "I don't think I can answer that without context, because I have a vivid imagination," she said.
He leaned back against her briefly, warning her to sit up so he could turn without her falling onto him. "I was reading People Magazine-"
"Wait. Stop. What?" Tony's voice came from the kitchen, where he stood in the doorway, two smoothies in his hands. "You're reading what?"
"People Magazine," Steve repeated. "Is one of those for me?"
"Not until you stop reading People Magazine," Tony said. "Did you know they've only declared me Sexiest Man Alive ONCE?"
"Steve's turned it down three times," Jane said from the armchair across the room where she was buried behind the pages of a knitting magazine, of all things.
"That isn't the point," Tony said. "I know that. Of course I know that. Steve is a perfect angel, and far too noble to want to be ogled by the housewives of the midwest-"
"I am?" Steve said.
"He is?" Darcy said. "Steve, would you mind a little housewife ogling?"
"I don't think the readership of People Magazine is-"
"The POINT is that I am VERY SEXY," Tony interrupted. "And journalistic integrity should demand that they acknowledge it."
Jane mouthed 'journalistic integrity' at Darcy, who did an amazing job of not laughing, if she said so herself.
"Of course you are, Tony," Steve said soothingly, which caused Tony to blush an astonishing shade of red and back away into the kitchen mumbling something about adding extra ice to the smoothies. Steve turned to Darcy, innocent expression firmly in place.
She narrowed her eyes at him. "I'll find out someday."
"I have no idea what you mean," he said primly. "Can you explain this article to me?" He passed her his phone, which was open to, of all things, People's fashion column.
"Selena Gomez Exudes Coastal Grandma in This Cozy Knit Cardigan That's Under $100," Darcy read out loud.
Jane appeared from behind her magazine again. "Let me see!"
"Oh, it's cute," Darcy said. "I'd wear it. Hang on, I'm sending this to both of us." She ignored Steve's pained expression long enough to copy the link into a text to both herself and Jane and send it.
"That's cheap," Jane said. "I'm buying it."
Steve's face underwent a complex series of expressions ranging from surprise to horror to grim patience. "That's cheap?"
Darcy winced. "We did have that talk about economics..."
"I know, I just... I guess I hadn't thought about the price of women's clothes and how much it had changed," Steve said.
"But men's clothes didn't throw you for a loop?" Jane asked, her eyebrows up.
Steve flushed. "I, um."
"Pepper buys his clothes," Tony said as he walked back into the room and handed Steve a glass. "He told her to just buy something inexpensive but durable. I won't even repeat to you the budget he gave her."
"Tony," Darcy said reprovingly.
"Don't scold me, I gave the man the internet and showed him several good brands and he still tried to get Pepper to buy him cargo pants," Tony said.
"Pepper said she'd keep it reasonable," Steve said. "I just... can't really go out shopping easily." That was true. No amount of baseball hats and sunglasses kept him from getting recognized, and he was still big enough news that a crowd inevitably gathered wherever he went.
Darcy squinted at him. He was, in fact, wearing relatively reasonably-priced clothes from what she could tell, particularly when you considered that he lived with a billionaire. "Do you want a deep dive on the fashion industry and the issues therein? Because I can give you some information about the ways sizing and pricing are deeply rooted in capitalism with racist roots-"
"Isn't everything?" Steve asked.
"I mean, yes, but if you want specifics I can give them. Or if you want a real overview of what is the current state of the fashion industry with some historical perspective, you probably want Pepper. I'm pretty sure she and JARVIS co-own a sustainable design house."
"We do," JARVIS said from the speakers above them. "Our most recent line was very well-received, and we're beginning negotiations for wider distribution."
"See, so you have two resources," Darcy said to Steve.
"I really just wanted to know why People Magazine said the nice girl from Wizards of Waverly Place was a coastal grandma," Steve said plaintively.
"You've really been deep diving into the Disney channel, haven't you," Tony said. "She's done so much since then."
"Bruce really loves her in Only Murders In The Building," Jane put in.
Steve sighed. "Is there any consensus on the coastal grandma question?"
Darcy pursed her lips. "I mean, it's striped and a little oversized and knit?"
"Navy is very grandma and also very coastal," said Tony. "I think."
Jane shrugged. "It's a headline and it got you to read it."
Steve laughed. "That's probably the real truth of it."
"Are you going to read more fashion columns?" Tony asked. "Because I have some topic suggestions. And there are several very nice pictures of me you could start with."
"If I do, I think I'll talk to Pepper about it first," Steve said with a smile. "Thanks for the smoothie, though."
Darcy exchanged a glance with Jane as Tony blushed again. Jane already had her phone out, fingers flying as she updated Bruce on the status of their longterm research project - every clue about Steve and Tony's relationship status went into a VERY secret file on the lab network. As Steve and Tony settled more comfortably into their usual bickering banter, Darcy rolled her eyes and picked up her own phone again. There was a grandma sweater calling her name, after all.