Chapter Six
His apartment was quiet, as it normally was. However, this was a different kind of quiet. This quiet wasn’t comforting or relaxing. It was heavy and tense throughout the apartment. Bucky felt this as he walked in and sat on his bed to untie his shoes while he thought about his recent interactions with Angie. It was strange, sitting in the Automat without his daily conversation and occasional flirtatious banter with Angie. He knew she was upset with him and truthfully, he couldn’t believe that he got so close with her.
He had dated before the war, a bit more casually seeing as he didn’t want to settle down. Not yet. He was young and he had lived through a lot. He wasn’t sure he could raise a family before the war but now, since he was holding a steady job and earning a decent living, he had thought about raising a family more seriously. Bucky knew that he wanted to share life with someone and start a family. However, he had to take things one step, one day, at a time. Which is something he had started doing after the war and going out to do something very different from his routine.
He threw his shoes by the door. This was part of the evening routine. A quiet, simple routine. Moments later, he was looking through his pantry for something to eat. He snacked on a candy bar as he walked over to his radio and turned on the program. He desired activity. He didn’t want the only thing he heard being the creaks in the floorboards as he walked barefoot on his hardwood floor. The program that played was about Captain America. After a few minutes of listening, he switched it off. He hoped it would be something familiar, something of a comfort in a strange way but it wasn’t. He knew that wasn’t his best friend, no matter how much he wanted it. He lingered by his radio as if he were debating to turn the program back on, just so he wouldn’t be in silence.
Bucky was a natural protector. He was always that way for Steve, and he was always that way for Rebecca. He spent his whole life protecting Steve and keeping Steve from doing anything too stupid. It was that way with Rebecca as well despite her independence and frustration with Bucky’s overprotective attitude. Even though the war had changed her just like it had changed Bucky, he still saw her as his kid sister. Though Rebecca had taken charge to make sure her brother actually got out and did things.
Just Tuesday, Rebecca had managed to take Bucky to the museum. That was something Rebecca had looked forward to, with how close she was to her brother and Steve. Going to this museum, it wouldn’t be for Captain America. It would be for Steve Rogers.
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“Come on, Bucky. You can’t be fact checking everything. Not everything is going to be just as accurate,” Rebecca retorted, watching Bucky study one of the exhibits a little too closely. “They’re gonna do the best they can with the information they knew during the war.”
Bucky took a deep breath and glanced at Rebecca. “I know, I know,” he said quietly after a moment. “It’s just weird seeing… Captain America. You know he’s that kid from Brooklyn who could never run away from a fight,” he glanced at the exhibit again then to his sister. “I wonder what he’d be doing if he were here.”
Rebecca sighed, grabbing Bucky’s arm and pulling him away. “Well, he’s not here. And I know that’s hard for you to accept but you have to. He would want you to be happy, living a normal life.”
“I know, Becca, but this is something I’m not used to. I’m trying to find a new normal. I had Angie but she’s not talking to me, especially with what happened on the site,” Bucky reminded his sister, who merely smiled.
“Well, why don’t we grab lunch and you can tell me more about this girl who’s been taking up so much of your free time,” Rebecca said and pulled her brother to the exit. “I want to know all about her!” she said eagerly.
— — — — — — — — — — — —
Truth be told, Bucky missed Steve. He missed pulling Steve away from fights that weren’t worth another black eye or a broken bone. Making sure Steve had plenty of food in his fridge, dragging Steve to dinner with his family. Steve hated being an inconvenience for the Barnes family but not one saw Steve that way. He was family.
Would Steve do the same for Bucky now? Bucky wasn’t sure especially with Steve being Captain America and practically famous especially after death. Rebecca made a point that no one would know what life would bring if things were different. If Steve were here, no one could predict what life would bring. For either Steve or Bucky.
Bucky was glad to have Rebecca helping him out. He was also glad that she had dragged him out to spend time together. He was able to tell someone about Angie. He really liked the waitress who was quick to pull him out of his shell and his very strict routine. Rebecca knew about this and she wanted to know why Angie was different. How she could penetrate walls that Rebecca could barely touch.
He lingered by the radio a little longer before fumbling with it again, changing it to a station that would play music to tune out his thoughts. He hummed quietly along to Harry James’s trumpet, changing out of his worn down construction clothes into something a bit more comfortable for bed. He barely ate a full dinner but could hardly focus on food for the time being and needed to focus on the music. He couldn’t handle the intrusive thoughts and the memories.
Bucky sat on his bed and focused his weight as if he were evaluating the firmness of the mattress. Most nights he slept on the floor. Some nights, he would try to sleep on the bed but it wouldn’t last long before he was back on the floor. The bed was too soft, feeling like it would suffocate him if he slept on it too long. The bed didn’t make him feel safe, nor was it part of his routine that he had established shortly after the war.
But Angie made him feel safe. Gave him an option to begin exploring something that he didn’t have before. Thanks to Angie, he didn’t feel anxious going out with Rebecca to the museum and even going to the local diner for dinner. That was also something he didn’t do much, if at all. When he took Angie on the date, it was quiet. A hot cup of cider in a quiet, relaxing part outside of the city, letting Bucky relax and feel at peace with someone he spent weeks getting to know. There was no crowd, nothing loud, not a thing could’ve pulled him from the moments of bliss with Angie.
Then the misunderstanding. Before Bucky had a chance to explain himself to Angie, she left. She didn’t give him a chance to talk, to explain himself before she stormed off. He could see the redness on her cheeks and the hurt in her eyes. He wanted to grab her arm and stop her. He wanted to explain that very second. Explain that he never mentioned having a sister because it hadn’t come up. Explain that Angie was the reason that he had started to go out more and that he had promised Rebecca to finally spend some more time with her.
Angie helped him more than he could ever imagine possible. Angie gave him a reason to start living life again. He looked forward to seeing her at the Automat and complimenting her lip gloss or her hair. He looked forward to talking to her about their days and what they had ahead of them. What he would give to tell her about the museum and the construction site. He wanted to tell her that he loved seeing her on his lunch break. The surprise was pleasant and he wanted her to know that. He wanted her to come back so they could properly enjoy lunch together.
Bucky had confided in Rebecca about this during their lunch after going to the museum. Rebecca knew something was up immediately because, according to her, Bucky hadn’t felt this way about a girl before. Which was true, he hadn’t. But Angie was different. Was it the circumstances? The war was over and he was a completely different person. But something he learned quickly was that he truly wanted a family. And he wanted a family with the right person. He wanted to see if Angie would be that person. And even if she weren’t, he would be happy that she showed him there was more to life than just working and going home to a quiet, empty apartment.
How many days would he have to see her face, only for her to turn her head away to avoid prolonged eye contact? He would talk to her. He wanted to take her hands in his and ask for a dinner date. Take her out to dinner and get to know her better. He wanted to apologize for the confusion and ask her for a second chance.
But that was an issue for the next morning. Tonight, he needed to get himself sorted. He laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking about the apology he’d give Angie and what else he would say to her when he would be able to get her attention. He quietly hummed to the music that played on the radio as he tried to settle his racing thoughts, only rethinking everything his thoughts had been on all evening. But even though his thoughts raced through, he slowly drifted off to sleep. His mind wasn’t on the mattress this time; it was on Angie.