SIXTEEN
“Nat, please just let me hold you for a little longer. I thought I had lost you, I just need to make sure you’re here with me safe and sound.” His voice filled with concern and love and she couldn’t say no to that.
“I’m right here, and I’ll always be safe as long as you’re around.” She embraced him tighter easing away all his worry and the moment she looked up to look at his face Natasha was startled awake. It was another dream of that faceless man. She had been dreaming about him since waking up from that long dreamless sleep she had in Melina’s place. That same day when she felt like she’s been missing a big part of herself and she could only somehow find that missing part in a dream with a man she couldn’t put a face into. The dreams had become more frequent after that night of the get-together.
“Who am I kidding?” she thought to herself, she was sure that those dreams were, in fact, a memory and she was sure of it, she has felt those arms around her, she just have to find out who it is. She felt those warm embraces with Steve last night, but she immediately rules him out because just the thought of Steve and her being that intimate was impossible. There is no way that America’s golden boy would ever fall for someone like her, a former Russian assassin with so much red in her ledger.
It could’ve been James given the history they had in the red room. That’s what she was trying to tell herself to rule Steve out of the equation. After making up her mind to search for the mystery man in her dreams she got up and started her mission.
They were all gathered in the dining area for breakfast and Natasha didn’t miss the pity look Wanda was giving Steve every once in a while, she knew she shouldn’t feel this way but looking at Wanda and then at Steve makes her feel things that she couldn’t quite decipher, especially when she would catch Steve stealing a glance at her and immediately avert his attention to her and would go back to looking at Wanda like her presence in the room was a sore sight for him. The thought of him looking at anyone else but her brings a pang in her heart and she doesn’t know why because they were never close in the first place. They were merely co-workers in the least.
She immediately put her mask on being the Black Widow she is, masking her emotions was one of the things she does best. She cast aside the emotions she was feeling and started focusing on the mission of finding that man. She can feel that her guard was partly down, probably because she was surrounded by the people she trust most. She had to find the opportunity to talk to James alone and see if she feels the same warmth and safety once they were alone.
After breakfast Natasha found herself a perfect spot on the lake shore, she felt like the tree was pulling her to it and when she sat on the bench under it she felt at peace and the pleasing sound of silence made her feel better and she wasn’t the only one, it seems like Liho was on board as well. She sat there for a while with Liho purring with every stroke she does to her silky fur when she felt that certain feeling again. He was there and when she turned around she saw Steve, James, and Wanda who looks like they were having a serious conversation. When they saw her they greeted her and that feeling of hurt crossed her face once again when Steve avoided her glance like a plague, which she immediately masked off hoping that nobody saw that moment of weakness. She didn’t want to leave that spot, but she excused herself knowing full well that her presence was unwanted by America's golden boy.
She could feel Wanda’s pity look on her and she was sure James was looking at her the same way. She can feel that intense stare at her retrieving figure and that somehow comforted her, but the thought of Steve avoiding her was annoying her to an extent. She was mainly convinced that James was the man in her dreams, but deep inside her, she was certain that it wasn’t him.
Wanda and Bucky watched Steve watch Natasha’s retrieving figure with so much intensity and longing and that breaks their heart watching them. They were so close to one another yet still too far to be together.
“Steve, are you sure about this?” Bucky asked concernedly as they continue watching Natasha’s disappearing figure.
Steve turned to them when her figure completely disappeared and looked at them defeated. “I just don’t want to hurt her even more Buck, she can’t even remember the things we shared.”
“That’s why Wanda is going bring her memories back, I’m sure she’ll understand you.” Bucky reasoned out which Wanda agreed to.
“Buck, she was willing to undergo the things that were done to her and you when you were in the red room. She told me all about it and it was horrible, and she was willing to go through it again that’s how much she despises me, Buck. I’m just glad that Wanda was there to do it to her in every humane way possible.”
They were both speechless and knew he wasn’t done yet, “I can’t have her look at me with hate in those beautiful eyes of hers I’d rather her look at me blankly like I’m just a stranger she has to work with. I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach it if she looks at me with hate and remorse like she regretted the love we shared.” He continued pouring out his emotions they remained quiet and calmed him down guiding him to the bench to take a seat.
“Steve, she doesn’t hate you.” Wanda declared taking his hands to her, “she had her reasons that I can’t share, but I can assure you she doesn’t hate you, I don’t think she’ll ever hate you it's physically impossible for her to do so that’s how much she loves you, Steve.”
“Wanda I can’t think of anything else for her to want me gone in her life except for the fact that I’ve hurt her too much that even a memory of me is too much for her to bear.”
Wanda can’t help but feel helpless with the situation she was in, she knew the exact reason why Natasha did it, but it wasn’t her story to tell and she can’t possibly betray the trust she had given her. The only thing she can do to help Steve is to try and convince him some more until he realizes that the thing standing between their happiness is their stubbornness.
After the encounter she had with Steve, Natasha has been in a sour mood and the only way she could let out her frustrations was through training, she was in a few rounds of her shooting when she felt that warmth and safety once again.
Wanda, Sam, James, and Steve headed to the gym and that’s where they saw Natasha in the shooting range having a go at it. They stood frozen when Natasha stopped and looked at them, an annoyed and frustrated look was painted on her face and that wasn’t good news to them.
“I’ll just go for a run outside,” Steve told them after stealing a glance at her and immediately avoiding her gaze back. This didn’t settle well with Nat and that pissed her off and this didn’t get unnoticed by her friends.
“James, ring now,” Natasha demanded and he couldn’t say no to that. They gave him a pity look and encouragement as if telling him good luck and they feel sorry for you, look.
“I just remembered I promised Yelena to give her a tour, I’ll get to it then.” Wanda awkwardly chimed and quickly left knowing full well that Nat was in a sour mood.
“I’ll join you in that run, Steve,” Sam notified him and gave James that I feel sorry for you, but you’re on your own, look.
James walked his way to the ring with his head hung low and feeling defeated and betrayed by his so-called friends, he can feel his doom on the way.
Steve stole one last glance at Natasha and saw the burning frustration in her eyes he knows she is pissed, it hurt him that despite her not remembering what they had he was able to arouse that anger with just his mere presence. Maybe it was the best idea to avoid her for him to stop seeing those frustrated looks in her eyes whenever she sees him.
He was so immersed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Sam beside him until he patted his back.
“You alright there Steve?” he asked worriedly.
“Yeah, I’m good Sam thanks,” He smiled forcedly and started to jog.
He was in a sour mood the whole time and was on his nth lapse in his full-on pace that he didn’t notice Sam couldn’t keep up with him and decided to head back after his second lapse. He know he shouldn’t feel this way, but he couldn’t help but be jealous of his best friend sparring with the love of his life because that should’ve been him. The memories of them sparring after a horrible nightmare of whenever one of them is frustrated or mad about something they help one another letting those steam off. What pains him, even more, is the fact that he was the reason why she was pissed and it was he who messed the whole thing up.
Steve kept running like there was no tomorrow to exhaust himself trying to numb the emotions he’s been overflowing with.
Wanda found Yelena playing with Morgan in her play area, seeing her friend so carefree warmed her heart, but she has to tell her what was going on at the gym right now.
“I’ll see you later Morgan,” she told the kid in her accented voice and the little girl just waved at her giving her the cutest smile, and continued playing.
“What is happening Wanda?” She asked curiously.
“It’s Nat, she’s pissed and I think James won’t be able to move a muscle tomorrow.” She said worriedly this brighten up Yelena’s face and dragged Wanda to the gym hurriedly.
“Well, that was fun,” Yelena yelled which got her sister and James’ attention who was pinned on the floor. This made Natasha loosen her grip on him and James found an opportunity and took a run for it thanks to Yelena.
Before Natasha could get a hold of him he was out of the ring and ran out of the gym as his life depended on it.
She looked at Yelena and Wanda as if saying look what you’ve done.
“What?” Yelena yelled bluntly, “as fun as that was, you didn’t even let that poor guy land a punch.” She added nonchalantly.
Natasha let it slide and decided she was done training and told the girls to wait up for her because they will go out and tour Yelena after her shower.
Natasha took a cold shower to ease her muscles and cool off her frustrations. That spar with James was fun, but it wasn’t satisfying enough like something was missing. She was also able to prove that he wasn’t the man in her dreams, the minute they were left alone in that gym, the feeling of warmth and safety was gone which is something she has known from the beginning deep inside her. She wasn’t disappointed that it wasn’t James, but now she was left clueless once again as to who the man is.