FOUR
Steve couldn’t bear to stay another second on Vormir, he set his timeline course and went ahead, going to the previous timeline instead of back home.
After red skull told him that he cannot undo what has been done, he decided to come back to a time after the war where he can be with his old friends and try to get that life he promised Nat.
He was now standing outside the house of Peggy Carter, the woman he once loved or so he thought. He knocked several times and when she opened it a look of surprise was written on her face she cannot believe who she is seeing on the other side of her door.
“Steve? Is that you?” she said not believing her eyes and reaching out her hands to his face to make sure he was real. He embraced her warmly and gently, staying in that position for a while. She had missed him and she could feel that he missed her greatly by the way he was hugging her. It felt like he was gone centuries ago and now he’s finally back in her arms and that made her tear up.
“I’ve missed you, Steve.” She told him and the more that he looked at him she could tell that this was a different Steve, and it wasn’t just because of his physical appearance, yes he may have aged a bit and became much stronger and with more muscles than the last time she saw him but something is much more different about him now. She shrugged all these off in the meantime because she was just so happy that he was finally back.
Steve felt so happy seeing her that he got his mind off about what had happened moments earlier in Vormir for now. Maybe his decision to go back here was not so bad after all, he thought to himself.
“I couldn’t leave my best girl behind could, I?” Giving her a warm smile, something that he hasn’t done for a while not after losing Natasha. “besides, you owe me a dance remember?”
This brought a big smile to Peggy’s face and pulled him with her inside the house setting up the turntable for music. Seeing the turntable gave Steve a flash memory of Natasha bringing him an antique turntable and setting it up in his apartment back when she was still helping him adjust to the new world. He brushed it off reminding himself that he was with Peggy and that Natasha does not exist in this era.
After setting it up Peggy smiled at him and reached out a hand to him asking him for a dance, he willingly accepted it and started swaying with the music. Peggy was expecting to lead him in dancing remembering Steve told her he couldn’t dance, but was greatly surprised when he took the lead like it was the most natural thing he did, it felt like he’s done this plenty of times. They kept dancing silently with smiles on their faces, just cherishing the moment the most they can.
When the music finally ended, Steve felt something, that feeling he was longing to feel the minute he got here. He looked Peggy in the eyes still smiling warmly, he finally felt like he was home and safe, that he can finally let go of all the fears and walls he have. They slowly leaned closer together, trying to fill that gap between them. The moment their lips gently brushed together, he lost that feeling and immediately pulled away from her. Something was not right, he thought. He finally felt that feeling he was looking for, the feeling he always feel when Natasha was around the feeling of finally being home, but in less than a minute it was ripped away from him.
After looking at Steve looks like he lost something or like he was looking for something inside him, that’s when Peggy realized that this Steve was not the Steve he knew at all. This Steve was not here because he wanted to, but because he was running away and she’s getting this out of him sooner or later she thought.
When Steve couldn’t find the answer to all his questions he finally looked Peggy in the eyes and apologized sincerely.
“I’m sorry Peg, I’m sorry. I thought I could do this, but I don’t think I can, not like this.” Steve explained apologetically.
“I understand Steve, just know that I’m here ready to listen anytime you are ready.” She told him sincerely and he was grateful for that. “I know that you are not the Steve I’ve once known, and I just want you to know that I’m really happy that you are alive and could tell that you got a new life, so whatever you are running away from I hope you could tell me about it one day.”
After helping him settle down in her guestroom, they bid each other goodnight with Steve promising her the whole story of why he was here.
Steve was grateful for Peggy helping him out despite the stunt he pulled off earlier. He didn’t mean for that to happen, he just got carried away by that brief feeling he felt earlier, he thought he was finally home that he finally felt that same connection he feels whenever he was with Natasha and he knows it was selfish of him to use Peggy like that, but he was desperate to fill the emptiness that Nat left him with.
He also felt guilty and felt like the worst person there is behind his decision to come back here.
After learning that he couldn’t get her back, he decided to come back here because there is no Natasha at this time and he thought that getting back with his old friends would suffice and he can get that life he promised her with Peggy this time but he was so wrong. Sure, he thought of going back to a timeline where he could be with Nat, but the thought of having her back just to lose her again was a thought unbearable to him, and the thing that makes him the worst was that he decided he wanted to get that life with Peggy, because the thought of losing Peggy one day wouldn’t leave him as empty, not like the way Natasha’s absence did. He would rather lose Peggy or anyone else over and over rather than lose Natasha once again. He remembered the day he lost Peggy, and realized that he was never really in love with her, he just loved the memories they had and the notion of being in love with her. He did love her though, but not in that way, not in the way he loves Natasha. What he had with Peggy was merely a friendship with a promise of more, but unfortunately, nothing more was made of it when he went down with that plane.
During Peggy's funeral, he felt so alone, but once he felt Natasha’s presence everything seemed to lighten up. Just her mere presence assured him that everything will be alright, and it did so long as she was right by his side and that’s when he realized how much he had fallen for her, he was in so deep that the thought of losing her made him feel so lost.
He knew that this reason of him, makes him selfish and cruel, but he was a coward when it comes to Natasha. Losing her was the most painful thing he had ever felt aside from losing his mom he had dealt with losing his mom, but can’t quite deal with losing the one person that had made him feel so many things.
He knows he has a lot of explaining to do, but he left that for another day of discussion because the one thing he needs right now is rest.