Please Talk to Someone
As Bucky and Peter stayed almost protectively curled around each other, Steve and Tony got up to take the dishes from lunch into the kitchen where Tony rinsed them and Steve loaded them into the outrageously expensive stainless steel dishwasher. Steve was about to head back to the living room when Tony waved his hand. Steve looked to the mechanic with confusion as he cockedx his head slightly to the side. Tony then gestured with his head towards his room. Although Steve wanted to get back to Bucky and Peter he could see, by Tony’s expression, this was serious and important.
Reluctantly Steve followed Tony down the hall, briefly looking back to the two on the couch. He knew they would be okay since that’s how they survived at Hydra, together. As long as they were together and just down the hall, nothing would happen. Tony only spoke or made a sound once the door was closed. “I didn’t want them to hear this.” he stated.
Steve had guessed that. “Sound-proof?” he asked. Tony nodded. This was of course the only way the two in the living room wouldn’t be able to hear them thanks to their enhanced hearing. “What is this about?” He asked, not in an annoyed way, but still impatient as he just wants to get back to his boyfriend and make sure he is ok. Well, as ok as he can be after coming back from an organisation that has kept him prisoner three separate times.
“What is this about, really?” Tony asks, “Don’t tell me you don’t see what I do, because I know you do.” Steve sighed, because Tony’s right, he does know exactly what this is about and he is worried too. “The way they flinch, look for threats everywhere, blame themselves for everything, get that distant look in their eyes when they remember something, the nightmares, I can go on!” His voice rose more and more as he listed each observation.
“I know!” Steve shouts back, but then takes a breath and lowers his voice “I know, okay? I just don’t know what to do. Neither will talk about it much.”
“They need professional help.” Tony started not meeting Steve’s eyes.
“Yeah I know, but I tried to get Bucky to see someone for years, Tony. It was only after Peter asked him to, that he finally agreed. But that was before all this, now, I just don’t know how to go about it or if either will agree.”
“We can’t let them continue like this Steve.” He finally looks up at the soldier, his eyes full of worry, “It’s only been a few days and they are barely functioning. There are moments of ease, but other than those few moments of good they are always on edge looking for a threat that isn’t there. The second I think they are getting better, something happens that shatters that illusion. Their minds won’t let them believe they are safe.”
Steve knows he’s right and he wants to do something, but he just doesn’t know what, “What do you purpose we do?”
“We could try to just be upfront with them. Be honest with them. Have a heart to heart. Basically do the opposite of what Hydra would do.” Steve thought about it quietly as Tony continued, “We start a conversation. We don’t order them, we just talk to them and listen to them. We make them feel heard while also making sure they are listening to our concerns.”
Steve was nodding thoughtfully, “When?”
“Now?” Tony asked, unsure of himself, which before Peter was kind of rare for him. Or at least rare to show outright.
“After they both had nightmares?”
“We can use that as one reason for the conversation.” Steve said nothing, a sceptical expression on his face. Tony sighed, “Listen, we have to have this conversation sometime, and sooner is better than later, so…why not now?” Tony asked, looking at his friends, waiting to see if he had a better idea.
“You think they are ready?”
“No” Tony answered truthfully, “But the more time we wait the more they will shut down and repress, and the further from ready they will be.”
He was right, they both knew it, “Okay, now it is.” Steve said more sure than before. Tony nodded and they both took a deep breath and headed back out towards the living room. Towards their boys who were suffering in silence or helping the other without trying to help themselves.
When they got back Peter was tucked into Bucky’s side. Peter’s eyes were closed, but Bucky’s were open, almost scanning. As soon as Steve and Tony came into view his eyes locked on them. Fierce and deadly for a millisecond before they softened recognizing the two. Both Tony and Steve couldn’t help guessing that this must have been the same way Peter and Bucky organised themselves in the cell at Hydra. Peter getting a little rest before he was taken again and Bucky holding him while being the lookout.
“Is he asleep?” Steve whispered.
Bucky opened his mouth, but before he could speak Peter spoke up, “No, he’s not.” he mumbled.
Tony smiled at the sassy kid, “Alright Bud, mind sitting up? We were hoping we could talk to the both of you.”
Although Tony’s voice was full of affection Peter could also hear the slight strain. He sat up and looked at the man with a slight frown, this was serious. Steve carried the two large armchairs effortlessly across from the couch. They sat down across from the two.
“What is this about?” Bucky asked his eyes, darting from Tony to Steve.
“We think…” Tony thought about his words carefully, “We think it would be beneficial for you two to talk to someone.”
Bucky and Peter seemed to shrink into themselves, like they were both trying to keep secrets from escaping. Wishing everything that happened could be buried within themselves so deep it would never see the light of day. Each looked down, refusing to meet either man's eyes.
“We want to help you,” Steve adds, “we don’t want to see you two hurting so much and deciding to deal with it all on your own.” He tried to meet Peter or Bucky’s eyes, but was unsuccessful, “You don’t have to do it alone.”
Bucky almost scoffed, “Yes we do.” Peter said nothing, but he looked at Bucky with sad understanding. “You don’t understand. No one understands what we went through, this time or before.”
“Just because we can’t understand exactly what you two went through doesn’t mean that we don’t want to help or don’t care.” Steve's eyes were almost hurt, “We have always gotten through things together, Buck.” Bucky didn’t reply, but looked up for a brief second before diverting his eyes again after seeing his boyfriend’s pained expression.
“It doesn’t have to be us.” Tony cut in. “If you don’t want to talk to us about it we won’t make you, but we think it would help to talk to someone instead of repressing it.” Of course Tony wanted the two to open up to them, but anyone is better than no one.
“Why can’t we just forget it?” Peter asked, finally speaking up.
Tony shifted his gaze from Bucky to Peter, his eyes softening as they met the boy’s sad, desperate baby browns, “This is not something that can just be forgotten or left behind Pete. You know that.” His voice was heavy and empathetic. “There are many things I wish I could just forget…” Afghanistan, Wormhole, Howard, “but that’s not how it works. I wish it were, but it’s not.” His voice was soft as he spoke.
Peter looked at Tony as he spoke, his eyes slowly filling with tears. “Who could we talk to that would understand?” He whispered.
“Bucky’s right,” Steve cut in, “there might be no one who will truly understand, but that doesn’t mean they can’t help.” Steve responded as Peter looked down. Steve can actually understand parts of Bucky’s past with Hydra, like cryo. Being frozen alive. Although for Bucky that was one of his best times as he was away from the orders, away from the cruel hands, away from the Winter Soldier. For Steve it was just the freezing cold that took his breath away to the point where it felt like he would never get another breath in again. In a way that was true, he didn’t get a breath for seventy years. But the other parts, the worse parts he could never truly understand. Part of him was selfishly happy he didn’t have to go through those parts, but another part wishes he could have, just so he could understand better and have Bucky confide in him more.
“There are many options.” Tony pushed the conversation along, “There are therapists from S.H.E.I.L.D who would sign NDAs, that way you can talk with someone who knows about your enhancements. There are more generic therapists with no affiliation.”
“There is also Sam Wilson, a friend of mine who is a trauma therapist.” Steve adds. “And we can look into other options if none of those sound right.” After that there was silence. It hung heavy in the air with the weight of the conversation and everything that was trying to be pushed down and ignored.
“We are not going to force you, no one will force you, but nothing will get better as long as you ignore it.” Tony finally breaks the silence. “You were both going to see someone before this.”
Before this. The words stuck with Bucky. Tony Meant Before this latest kidnapping, but there was the time before that, and the time before the one before that. “What’s the point?” Bucky finally joins back in.
“What do you mean?” Steve asks, looking at the man, brows creased in confusion.
“It never ends.” he looks up and his eyes are full of despair and yet there were no tears, “They never stop, it will never end Steve. This was Peter’s second time being taken by Hydra,” from the corner of his eye he saw Peter flinch at the name and so did the other two, but he kept going despite it, “And this was my third fucking time! Every time I think it is over they come back! They will always win whether I am there or not!” His voice rose and rose with each sentence, but then he took a breath and said, in a much lower, hopeless voice, “It just doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does.” To everyone’s surprise, it wasn’t Steve or even Tony to speak up, but Peter. While Bucky spoke Peter started to straighten up and realise that no one should live like they are, especially Bucky. This man has had his life, over a hundred years of it, taken away by a sadistic organisation that only spreads hate and evil wherever it goes. Bucky is none of those things, Bucky is good, Bucky is trustworthy, and Bucky is Peter’s hope in a life beyond captivity. “You told me there was a life after Hydra, this,” he gestured to Bucky, hunched into himself, his eyes full of anguish and yet distant at the same time, “is not the life you deserve.”
Bucky listened to Peter and thought carefully about everything he just said vs what he told Peter weeks ago, There is a life after Hydra, you might not be able to see it now. It took me quite a while, but I had help. Just as you do. How can he take back the hope he gave to Peter just because he is too stubborn to believe the words he truly meant when he spoke them. He looks at the three people sitting around here, three people who want to help him, if he only lets them. Beyond that, he focuses on Peter in particular, the boy who has been through hell and yet he focuses on helping Bucky after this latest ordeal instead of trying to recover himself.
“You don’t deserve this either Peter.” He says, still looking at the boy, but then focused on Steve and Tony, “I’ll do it if Peter agrees too.” Like before he only agrees if Peter decides to get help along with him. Neither willing to let the other drown.
There is the tiniest of smiles on Steve’s face that only Bucky picks up on, which makes Bucky mirror it, before they all turn to Peter. Suddenly Peter’s confidence from when he spoke to Bucky is gone, he now feels the six eyes on him boring holes into his skin creating leaks into his emotional walls and the secrets hidden behind said walls. He wanted to melt into the couch, evaporate into the air, and disappear. But then he looked at Bucky. There was now a determined hardness to the metal armed man’s eyes, but Peter could still see the anguish hiding within. The deep seeded hopelessness that he is doing everything he can to starve off himself. I can do this for Bucky. He thought. His frightened expression turned to a determined one as he finally looked the three men around him in the eyes, “I’ll do it.”