Trust
The next morning Helen came to change the IV and check the surgical sight. Before she left she informed them both that Peter’s stitches could come out in the evening and that he would only have to wear the splints for a day or so more. After she left Tony cleaned and rebandaged Peter's abdomen. He then ordered their breakfast up. The next food on Peter’s meal plan was cereal. Tony wasn’t sure which cereal Peter would like, so he bought every kind in stock at the grocery store nearby and had them delivered all of them to the tower. So far Cocoa Puffs were his favorite.
With their cereal bowls in hand Tony and Peter settled in to watch Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Peter was so immersed in the film that Tony kept having to nudge his cereal bowl to get him to eat. To some this would be annoying, but to Tony it just made him smile. He found something that Peter truly loved and that meant the world to him.
The credits rolled and Peter had a huge smile on his face, but also looked perplexed. “I can't believe Darth Vader is Luke’s father!!! That’s insane!!” He exclaimed excitedly.
Tony laughed, “You know Darth Vader means Dark Father in German right?”
“Mr. Stark, I don't speak German.” Peter said playfully like it was the most obvious thing. “Only English…” His smile dropped just a bit when he said the next part, “and some Russian.”
Tony’s smile dropped a bit as well. The only reason Peter knows Russian is because of Hydra and he could see those memories resurfacing in Peter's eyes. He needs to change the subject before he gets sent into a panic attack or dissociates. “Hey bud, you're not going to finish your cereal?”
Peter snapped out of his thoughts and looked down at his bowl. “All that’s left is milk.” He stated in a confused tone.
“Yeah. The chocolate milk that is left after the Cocoa Puffs are gone is the best part.” Tony smiled at him.
“Really?” Tony nodded. Peter took his spoon and put it in the milk and then brought it to his lips.
Tony rolled his eyes, “Not like that bud. If you eat it like that it will take forever, you have to lift the bowl to your mouth so you can get all of it.”
“Oh.” Peter said blushing. He then did as Tony had said and brought the whole bowl up to his lips. He drank the whole thing and then put it back down smiling. “You're right, that is the best part!”
Tony laughs, not just at Peter’s excitement, but at Peter's milk mustache. “You got a milk mustache Pete.”
“A what?” He said eyebrows furrowed a bit.
Tony grabbed his phone and opened the camera. He held it up so Peter could see. “A milk mustache.” He reiterated as Peter looked into the camera.
Peter laughed, although it seemed forced, and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. But then he leaned into the phone more. Tony kept holding the phone while watching Peter closely. Peter’s smile turned to a frown, “Is that me?”
Tony was taken aback. He then realized Peter was probably never given a chance to see his reflection at Hydra and had not been here either except maybe a small glimpse in the bathroom. ‘How long has it been since Peter has seen his own reflection or a picture of himself?’ Tony thought. This was probably the first time in god knows how long Peter has actually seen his reflection and focused on it. “Yeah, that’s you kiddo.” He said in a worried tone.
Peter touched his face with the hand that wasn’t holding the bowl steady on the pillow. Hisn expression was only sadness and horror. “Why do I look like that?”
Tony wasn’t exactly sure what he meant. “Like what?”
“Dead.”
Tony couldn’t help but cringe at the one word. He wasn’t that far off though. He was ghostly pale, his eyes had dark bags under them, and his cheeks were sunken in. Still he looked loads better from when he first found him. “You just need a little meat on your bones, some rest, and some sun, and then you’ll look like a million bucks.” Tony said with a fake smile. It hurt him that Peter was looking at himself with such a disgusted expression. Peter looked down like he didn’t want to see himself anymore. Tony took the phone away. “You’re getting healthier by the day kiddo, soon you’ll be good as new.” Tony himself didn’t even believe that. Even if Peter became physically fully healthy again he may never fully heal from the emotional scars left from Hydra. Peter just nodded solemnly.
“Can I ask you a question?” Peter said not looking up.
“Of course, bud.”
“Is this what Mr. Barnes looked like when he was rescued from Hydra?” He looked up at Tony to get the answer.
Tony looked uncertain with what he had to say. “To be honest I am not quite sure, I only met him after the fact and…” He felt anger and sadness rise in him when thinking about what Bucky did to his parents. But then he had to remind himself, especially after meeting Peter, it wasn't Bucky it was The Winter soldier who killed them, it was Hydra, “and even then we were not on good terms.” Peter seemed sad at not getting a real answer and looked down, “If you want you can ask him yourself. I can call him up, only if you want.”
Peter looked up at that, “Yes please.” He said with sad curious eyes.
Tony gave him a nod, “FRI can you see if Barnes is free?”
“Yes boss” FRIDAY’s voice came through the ceiling. They waited a second and in that time Tony reached for Peter’s now empty bowl and put it on the nightstand beside his. “Mr. Barnes is free and stated that he would be happy to join you. Shall I allow him access to your floor boss?”
“Yes, thanks FRI.”
Although Tony could not hear it Peter heard the elevator doors open and someone, Bucky, walk down the hall towards Tony’s room. Peter started getting a bit nervous since Bucky was still new, but not as nervous as he gets with Helen. He knows Bucky has basically gone through what he has, maybe even worse, he’s not sure, so he trusts him more. Just then there was a soft knock on the door.
As usual Tony turned to Peter for confirmation that it was okay that Bucky comes in. Peter gave a small nod, grateful for Tony’s considerateness. Then Tony called out “Come in!” But not too loudly.
Bucky opened the door “Hi Peter,” he turned to Tony, “Tony” he gave a small nod.
Although he would just wave to Helen he gave a small, “Hi, Mr. Barnes.”
Bucky smiled softly, “You can just call me Bucky, remember.” Peter nodded with a small blush.
“How about you have a seat Bar-” He needed to try to get used to calling him Bucky for Peter’s sake. “Bucky.” Bucky nodded and made his way to the other side or the room slowly to where the chair was. “So Peter had a question for you if that’s okay.”
“Of course,” Bucky smiled at Peter, “ask me anything.”
Peter was shy and whispered his first question, “When you were rescued were you injured like me?” Bucky heard the question loud and clear because of his enhanced hearing.
“Yes, I was hurt and injured when I was saved from Hyda.” Peter flinched a little when he said Hydra. Tony noticed and wrapped an arm around him as comfort. Then Bucky realized something and corrected himself, “The first time they had me. But not as bad as you are.”
“The first time?” Peter asked. Tony knew a good amount of Bucky’s past but not everything so he was curious about his answers as well.
“Yeah, I was captured by them and experimented on until Steve, also known as Captain America saved me.” He smiled at that, but then frowned, “And then they got me again.”
“The second time you weren't injured when you were saved?” Peter asked, gaining more confidence in his words.
“Well it wasn’t like the first time. The first time Steve found me strapped to an experimentation table when he rescued me.” Memories of Peter strapped to an experimentation table crossed both Peter and Tony’s minds. Before they could dwell on the horrific memory Bucky spoke up again. “The second time I, well the Winter Soldier, was sent on a mission to kill Captain America.” Peter’s eyes went wide. “I was fighting him and he stopped fighting me, he didn’t want to hurt me. Well when I say ‘I’ or ‘me’ I mean the Winter Soldier.” Tony never thought about how hard it must be for Bucky to separate himself from the Winter Soldier, until now. “Right before ‘I’ was about to kill him he said something to me that broke through my conditioning.”
“What?” Peter asked, completely engrossed in Bucky’s story.
“Steve and I had been friends since we were kids. I used to tell him, ‘I’m with you till the end of the line, pal.’” He smiled just thinking about it. “When he said it to me it subconsciously brought back memories from before Hydra. In a way he did save me then too, but I ran off after that. Away from him and away from them. Steve found me later though.” he also smiled at the last part. Peter flinched only a little this time at the word Hydra.
“How long did they have you?” Peter asked, a bit scared to know the answer.
“The second time?” Peter nodded. Bucky sighed, “About seventy years.”
Peter’s eyes went wide with terror and he almost choked from the horrific information. “How?!” He couldn’t contain his horror or surprise.
Bucky felt a chill go down his spine as he said, “The kept me frozen in as cryotank for long periods of time until they needed to thaw me-” He corrected himself, “the Winter Soldier out for missions.”
Peter could barely wrap his head around Bucky being imprisoned for seventy years. He’s not sure he could have handled much more and he was only with them for five years. Although five years is a long time, put it in perspective with seventy and it doesn’t seem like much. Although to Peter those five still felt like an eternity, he can’t imagine how Bucky felt. “Do you remember the missions?” Peter asked after a bit of silence.
“Not really, some. I sometimes remember the names of those who the Winter Soldier went after and once in a while glimpses.” Bucky was doing his best not to break his strong facade when talking about the worst years of his long life. Then Bucky took a risk and asked, “Do you remember them?”
Peter whispered the next part while looking down, “A little bit, mostly when I fall asleep.” Peter didn’t say the word nightmares, but Bucky knew. He had them too, to the point where he hated to sleep. Steve for the longest time would have to force him to go to bed, holding him until he fell asleep and calming him when he woke up from them.
“They get better, you know. The nightmares.” Bucky assured Peter. Peter had only had one so far since he had been at the Tower, but had them almost every night at Hydra. That is when he wasn’t brainwashed.
“Do you feel bad?” Peter asked in a whisper not making eye contact.
Bucky broke at that, a few stray tears falling from his eyes. “Yeah,” He said also in a choked up whisper, “every single day.” He directed the last part to Tony.
Tony watched as the dam Bucky had put up and struggled to keep strong, leak, tears falling from his eyes. He watched this supposedly coldhearted assassin break when thinking about the people he killed. He realized in that moment that he could never hate Bucky as much as he hates himself. He doesn’t even hate Bucky anymore, not since meeting Peter, but he could tell Bucky still hated himself, or the part that was Hydra. Bucky had been telling Peter that he is not part of Hydra, yet he can see that Bucky is a hypocrite. He knows he still believes he was the one who killed all those people even if he was not in control. He gave Bucky a forced soft smile to try to alevite his self hatred.
“When will it stop hurting?” Peter asked in a broken voice. Tony’s smile instantly dropped as both the older men’s hearts broke at the question and the way Peter asked it.
Bucky wanted more than anything to assure Peter that it would stop soon, but he couldn’t lie to him. This was about helping him and building trust, lying would do no good. “I wish I could tell you it ever does, but I can’t give you false hope. I will say it does get better and it does get easier with time.” Peter nodded solemnly, Bucky wiped his eyes and continued, “It helps when you have someone in your corner. For me it was and still is Steve and now the entire team. For you it is Tony and me if you’ll let me.” He smiled at Peter and Peter returned it with a nod.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Peter stated. Bucky’s smile grew.
Tony had never seen Bucky so emotional until today, it really made him seem more human. When he first learned about the way his parents died he just saw him as a killing machine, but again that was the Winter Soldier not Bucky. He had not spent much time with Bucky, but he seemed kind and caring now that he was actually getting to know him. He could see that talking with Bucky, talking with someone who had gone through the same thing was helping Peter. He decided to try and further the two’s time together. “You know Bucky, Peter and I were just about to watch the next Star Wars movie, do you want to join? If that’s what you want.” he directed the last part to Peter who nodded excitedly at Tony and smiled at Bucky. Both the older men laughed.
“I would love to.” Bucky stated.
“Do you need to use the bathroom?” Tony asked.
“Yeah.” Peter said with a bit of a blush out of embarrassment since Bucky was there.
“Ok, let me disconnect the IV.” Tony swiftly unwrapped his arm around Peter and disconnected the IV. He stood up and stretched for a moment. “Ready?” he asked and Peter nodded. Instinctually Peter wrapped his arms around Tony’s neck when he leaned down. He picked him up and brought him to the bathroom. Bucky couldn’t help the smile that formed at the adorable awkward way Tony had to hold Peter. Once Tony closed the door to the bathroom he turned back to Bucky. He felt a bit awkward that it was just him and Bucky left in the room. “How are you?” Tony asked as he didn't know what else to say.
Bucky was a bit surprised that Tony was talking to him without Peter, since he knows the man still does not really like him all that much, not that he can blame him. “I’m fine, how are you?” The conversation was stiff and awkward.
“You know FRIDAY tells me when there is someone in distress in my tower right?”
Bucky was not aware of that, “Oh, and what did she tell you?”
“That you have been waking up with nightmares every night since we found Peter.” Tony said with crossed arms.
Bucky did not make eye contact, “I’m fine.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that.” Tony raised his eyebrow. “You know there are therapists specifically trained for these things.”
“I’m fine Tony.” Tony just shook his head in disbelief but left it alone.
___
Peter heard Tony and Bucky talking. It’s not like he could just not listen since he has enhanced hearing. He felt a wave of guilt for causing Bucky’s nightmare. He knows how hard it is to not think about Hydra, especially when you're asleep. When you're asleep you have no control, just like when you are at Hydra. If Tony is surprised and bringing this up it means that Bucky had not had them for a while. That is until he turned up and ruined it. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Bucky since he knows from experience that Bucky has been hurt enough, way too much actually. That’s all Hydra does, hurt and control.
When he finished he knocked on the door to signal he was done.
____
Tony heard the small knock and opened the door. “Ready?” Peter nodded. With that Tony leaned down and Peter wrapped his arms around his neck like usual. He then lifted Peter and brought him back to the bed. He hooked him back up to the half empty IV bag and draped the red and blue throw blanket over his splinted legs. “Are you ready to start the movie?”
“I’m sorry.” Peter said softly. Tony and Bucky both looked at Peter with a confused expression. Tony noticed Peter's eyes were trained on Bucky.
Bucky spoke up, “Why are you sorry?” He couldn’t imagine Peter having anything to apologize for.
“For giving you nightmares.” And then it became very clear to both Tony and Bucky that Peter heard their conversation. Tony was still getting used to the fact that Peter has enhanced hearing and Bucky was used to Steve being the only person in the tower with it, besides himself of course.
“No Peter, you have nothing to apologize for, you didn’t cause them.” Bucky replied. He knew in a way it was a lie, but it was also the truth as well. Peter did not cause them, Hydra did. It wasn’t Peter’s fault that he was linked to the horrendous organization.
“You only have them because I’m here.”
“No.” He said in a stern, but not a mean tone. It was a tone that left no room for debate. “I have them because of Hydra, you are not Hydra.” Once again Peter flinched at the name. His voice softened. “You did not give them to me, I promise.”
And as usual, those two words helped Peter believe what was said was the truth. He gave Bucky a soft smile, “Do you want to sit over here so you can watch the movie?” Peter asked.
Bucky looked surprised but please, “On the bed?”
“If you want.” Peter said softly.
“Sure,” Bucky said with a smile. He got up from the chair and slowly made his way over to the bed, making sure to give time for Peter to change his mind if he wanted to. When he got to the bed he sat down being careful of the IV line. He sat with his back against the headboard. He kept a bit of distance to make Peter more comfortable.
Tony was proud and glad that Peter was trusting someone other than him. It just proved that Peter was improving and healing. Tony grabbed the remote and got back on the bed. He put his arm back around Peter and started the next movie, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi.
Peter was in between the two people he trusted most in the world. He leaned into Tony's side since he was closer and trusted Tony more than Bucky, but was happy Bucky was there nonetheless. He stared at the screen in awe and excitement. Happiness overtaking his usual anxiety. Peter felt content and safe.