Not Letting Go
After Peter was dressed Tony helped him use the bathroom and then carried him back to the bed. He reconnected Peter’s IV and draped the red and blue throw blanket on top of him. That blanket had become Peter’s favorite in the few days he had been there, almost like a comfort item. Tony smiled fondly at Peter as he snuggled under it. “Alright, so now that the-” once again he didn’t want to call it a muzzle so he tried to think of another word, a less dehumanizing word, “mask is off we need to discuss diet. Can Helen come up and explain?” Peter nodded. “Great, thanks. FRI? Can you ask Helen to come up?”
“Will do Boss.” FRIDAY replied.
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. Just to be sure Tony looked back at Peter, once he nodded, Tony called out, “Come in.” he noticed Peter did not look as apprehensive as the last time Helen had come in.
Helen walked into the room with her normal gentle smile, “Hello Peter.” Peter waved. “Does it hurt to use your voice?” Peter blushed a little but nodded. “I’m sorry, drinking water will definitely help and hopefully the tenderness will go away soon.” Peter nodded again. Helen wished she could offer him pain meds, for not only his throat but his litany of other injuries, but she and Bruce had not yet synthesized anything strong enough for his metabolism. She then switched her attention to Tony, giving him a nod of acknowledgment.
“I was just telling Peter that you would go over his diet as he switches back to solid food,” Tony said, looking towards Helen.
“Yes, well, it will take a little bit to get you acclimated to solid food again so we have to take things slow. Until we take the stomach tube out I am afraid we are still going to use it, since as of now, you can't eat enough orally to satisfy your metabolism and healing factor.”
Tony noticed Peter’s eyes go a little wider with anxiety when Helen said “Until we take the stomach tube out.”
“Hey, that will be later,” Tony tried to soothe Peter's anxiety, “and we will explain everything beforehand. Everything will be okay.”
“Awake?” Peter croaked out fearfully.
“What?” Tony said confused and concerned.
Peter grabbed Tony's arm as tight as he could, which was not very as he was still pretty weak. “Please, don't want to be awake.” He choked out in dread.
Tony’s stomach dropped at what Peter’s words combined with his expression implied ‘Did they really operate on him while he was awake?!’ Tony thought. Words escaped him, as terrible images of Peter strapped back down to that metal table he found him on, flashed through his head. Pictures of Peter scared and in pain as Hydra scientists experimented on him while he was fully awake and aware. These images clouded his vision making him freeze in horror unaware that Peter was still looking up at him for some sense of comfort.
Helen picked up where Tony couldn’t, “Peter?” Peter turned his attention to her, but still gripped Tony’s arm. “You will not be awake when we take it out. Bruce, a friend of Tony’s, and I are working on something that will make you sleep through it. You won’t feel a thing. Isn’t that right Tony?” Helen said, trying to get Tony’s attention back.
The little bit of pain radiating from small crescent shapes indenting his skin where Peter’s nails are gripping his arm and Helen’s direct question towards him began to bring him back from the cruel images. It took him a second for his mind to catch up to the conversation, almost like a computer lagging. Finally what was just said clicked in his mind. He looked at Helen who was looking at him with worry but also calmness for Peter’s sake and then down at Peter who was once again looking at him with innocent frightened eyes. Tony gave a small smile as a sense of reassurance, “Yeah bud, you won’t be awake and you won’t feel a thing. I will be there as you fall asleep and I’ll be there once you wake up, I promise.”
Peter finally let go of Tony’s arm, the crescent shapes stayed. Peter took a breath for what seemed like the first time in a few minutes and looked exhausted. Tony knew firsthand how much anxiety took out of someone. Even though that wasn’t an anxiety attack per se, it was enough to make Peter’s eyes droop as the fear and adrenaline seemed to wash away.
Helen spoke once again, “You need to get some rest, but before you do can I please hook up a food bag to the tube? Tomorrow we can try some broth, but for tonight I think it would be best to use it.” Peter was too tired to disagree, not that he would have, so he just nodded. “Thank you, I’ll go grab the bag and supplies, I’ll be right back.” With that, she left the room.
Peter was barely hanging onto consciousness, it had been a long day, “You doing alright, kiddo?” Peter nodded sleepily. “Just need to stay up a little longer so we can get you hooked up, ok?” Peter nodded again.
Helen came back quickly with a food bag, alcohol swabs, and a sandwich. Tony’s eyes furrowed at the latter, “Why do you have a sandwich? Peter can’t have solid food yet.” Tony said this like Helen didn’t already know. Just then, as he finished his sentence, his own stomach grumbled.
Helen rolled her eyes looking slightly amused with an undertone of worry, “This is for you. From what I have seen you have not eaten since you got back from the mission, and it seems your stomach agrees with me.” Peter giggled tiredly. “While I hook Peter up you will eat this entire sandwich, I am not leaving until it is gone.” Another giggle.
Tony knew she was right and the emotions and exhaustion of today kept him from being stubborn and fighting against it. He honestly did feel a bit light-headed now that it was mentioned. Instead, he just took the plate with an appreciative, “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, now, let’s get Peter set up before he falls asleep which looks like any second now.” She said with a smile. Once again Peter blushed. She went around to the other side of the bed where the IV stand was. “I know you’re tired Peter, but I just need you to sit up and lean against the headboard just for a little bit. After this is done you can go to sleep.”
Peter nodded but was so exhausted that his arms seemed to fail him as he tried to push himself up. Tony noticed this and put the quarter-eaten sandwich down on the nightstand, and helped him up. Tony picked Peter up by the armpits from behind him. As soon as Peter was more upright he went to slide out from behind him so he could be supported by the headboard, but Peter started leaning against his chest. Tony didn’t have the heart to jostle his tired form any more than he had to, so he just leaned into the headboard as Peter was supported on his chest.
Helen smiled at the two, but went back around the bed, picked up the sandwich, and held it out to Tony, “Eat.” She said sternly, but not unkindly. She then went back to the task at hand. She got out the alcohol swabs, lifted Peter’s shirt and cleaned off the port to Peter’s GI tube, as well as the end of the bag’s tube before connecting them. “Alright, that should be empty in about 20 minutes. After it’s done, I’ll disconnect it, change your IV bag, and then you can get comfortable and sleep.” Peter gave the slightest nod, it was almost not noticeable, but Tony felt it on his chest. He conveyed Peters' nod to Helen by saying, “Sounds good,” with a smile. He then took one last bite and finished his sandwich.
Helen smiled and nodded as she took the empty plate from Tony’s free hand and turned to leave while saying, “I’ll be back in 20 minutes.”
Tony smiled down at Peters’s sleepy form, he could tell he was fighting to stay awake. Tony wanted to help, but also did not want Peter to use his voice since it still hurt him. “Hey, bud? I know it’s hard to stay awake, but it won’t be too much longer. How about we play a game to pass the time.” Peter looked up with droopy but intrigued eyes. “How about I say two things and you tap out on my hand which you like better?” Tony really wanted to know more about him, but with the muzzle and his voice, it was not an easy task. Peter nodded a little. “All right, I will give you two options and you will tap once for the first and twice for the second, sound good? Oh and no taps for I don’t know.” Peter nodded again. Tony held onto Peter’s middle, to make sure he did not slip, with his arm that had the hand splint on it and held out his other for Peter to tap.
“Ok,” Tony thought, “let’s start with science since you said you like that. Which do you like better, Chemistry or Biology?” One tap.
“Chemistry or physics?” One tap
“Is chemistry your absolute favorite?” No tap
“Ok…”
Before he could continue Peter spoke up in a tired gravelly voice, “What’s your favorite?”
Tony smiled, “Physics and electrical engineering.”
Peter seemed to wake up a bit more and perk up, “Mine is,” Tony cringed a little at the still painful sounding voice, but was intrigued and excited to know Peter’s answer, “chemical engineering.”
Tony was a bit surprised but also delighted by his answer, although he thought it seemed almost too mature for Peter age-wise. “Wow, nice choice, I would love to see your brain at work once you’re better.” Peter had a smile on his face but his eyes were starting to droop again, “Alright, let’s keep going.” He said gently.
“Which do you like better….” Tony was trying to think of a question when his eyes landed on the blue and red throw blanket, “Blue or red?” three taps. Tony laughed, “So both?” Peter nodded with a smile.
“That’s fair. Ok, cat or dogs?” Two taps. “Me too. Favorite season, Summer or winter?” One tap.
“Summer or Fall?” Two taps. “Fall or Spring?” One tap.
Tony found himself smiling again, “Fall it is. Mine too.” Peter smiled at that.
Tony then decided to have a little fun, “Me or Helen?”
Peter woke up a bit more at that and blushed. He held out his finger, but instead of tapping Tony’s hand, Peter pointed up at where Tony’s head was. Tony smiled down at Peter. Just then Helen gave a small knock and opened the door. Peter immediately brought his finger and hand back down to his lap and blushed even brighter. Tony couldn’t help but let out a barking laugh.
Helen gave them the side-eye as she came around the bed with a new IV bag. “I’m going to choose to ignore whatever it is I just walked into.” She said with a smile.
“Good choice,” Tony said with a smile. Peter was looking down still bright red.
“Alright looks like the bag is just about done. I will hook up the new IV bag and then disconnect the food bag.” Peter nodded suddenly feeling sleepy again, the burst of energy he just had fading. Helen disconnected the old IV bag and cleaned off the port. She then did the same to the new IV line with the full bag and connected the two. She then gently lifted Peter’s shirt and disconnected the Food tube, cleaning that port as well and blocking it off. “Alright, all done. Also all the bruises and lacerations on your chest seem to be healed, that is a really good sign.” She looked back down to see Peter asleep.
Tony as gently as possible lifted Peter off his chest and laid him down on the bed. He made sure his head was resting on a pillow and pulled the throw blanket all the way over his body. Tony then carefully got off the bed. He looked at Helen and pointed towards the door since he did not want to talk and wake Peter up. Helen nodded in understanding and turned to go into the hallway, taking the used medical supplies with her. Just like last time they went to the other end of the penthouse just in case Peter’s hearing picked up their voices.
Tony had some important things to talk to Helen about, but first he wanted to make sure she knew how much he appreciated all she was doing, “ First of all, thank you so much for everything you are doing for Peter.”
“Tony, you don’t need to thank me, I am glad to help.” She countered.
“Still thank you. You know I don’t say that too often so remember this moment.” He smirked.
Helen laughed a little, but noticed Tony’s joking manner fading into seriousness, “I know that is not why we’re out here, so out with it. What else do you want to say?” She got straight to business.
“To be honest I am just a bit confused by Peter’s demeanor.” Tony said conflicted.
“Can you explain a little more?”
“Well, just the way he acts I guess. The grabbing onto my arm, or hanging onto that blanket, or snuggling into my chest, not that I’m complaining.” Tony quickly added.
Helen smiled at the last part and made a noise of understanding but could tell Tony hand more to say, “What else?”
“Well it just seems a bit childish compared to his age. But then he understood and laughed at the science pun on his shirt and told me his favorite type of science is Chemical Engineering which seems above his age level. I just don't understand.”
Helen’s expression showed understanding when Tony looked at her. “Why don’t we sit down?” Tony looked confused but followed her to the couch nearby. “I want to preface this by saying that I am not a psychologist, but I have an idea of why this is happening.”
“Ok,” Tony said expectantly.
“Peter was taken when he was nine years old, but he was in an orphanage by the age of seven. Chances are he is emotionally stunted. He probably did not get the physical and emotional support he needed in the orphanage and most definitely got none from Hydra. He was still developing his relationships and emotions. His mind and emotions are probably stuck in the last time he felt safe, which was probably right before his parents passed. Now remember this is all an educated guess, no one can know what is actually going on in someone else's head, but that is my guess.”
Tony took in everything that Helen was saying. It all made sense, except for one part, “What about the chemical engineering part? If what you are saying is true then why wouldn't his academics be at the same level of his emotions?”
“Well, academics and emotional age are very different things. Although he may mentally be a younger age, that doesn't mean he is not bright, or even gifted. You of all people should know that after going to college at the age of 15.” Tony nodded. “Actually, the school that is listed on the file we gave you is for gifted individuals.”
That definitely surprised Tony. He took a minute to sti with all the new information. He then asked a very loaded question, “So how do we get him to a proper age emotionally?”
“There is no one answer to that. First thing we need to do is make sure he feels safe. He seems to be with you.” Tony felt warmth in his chest at her words, “We also need to get him back to good physical health. From there he will need to get socialized again, start small and then introduce him to more people. Once he is comfortable he needs to go back to school, but that could be a long while from now. Remember recovery is not linear.” She said looking straight at him.
Tony nodded, but noticed a slight frown on her face. “What? What is it?”
“We need to start talking about logistics Tony.”
“”What do you mean?”
“I mean after he is physically healthy again where he will go.”
Tony frowned, “What do you mean? He will stay here.”
“Tony I don’t think you understand how hard it is to take care of a child, not to mention one with Peter’s issues.” Tony hadn't thought of it much, he had been too preoccupied by Peter and making sure he was safe. “I know you like him,” That was an understatement, Tony had only known him a few days, but he had never felt so close to someone so fast. All he wasted to do was protect him. “but you need to think of what’s best for him.”
“How do you know I and the team aren't what's best for him? You even said he is not entirely human, who better to help him learn about his abilities than us?”
Helen sighed, “Maybe you are, but if you’re not you are not giving him his best chance at a normal life.”
“But he’s not normal! He is not entirely human and he was taken by Hydra, it is hard to live normally after that. We have people who were taken by Hydra that could help him.” Tony still didn’t like Bucky after what happened with his parents, but if Peter’s situation had taught him anything it was that Hydra takes away your free will. It wasn’t Bucky who killed them, and if he could help Peter then Tony would gladly shake the man’s hand and forgive him.
“You might be right, but you need to have all the facts before you decide whether he is staying. On that note you should know we got the results back and we know what his DNA is mixed with.”
“What?” Tony said basically on the edge of his seat.
“Spider.”
Not what Tony expected, “Spider?”
“Yes, we need more samples to learn more about his abilities or him to tell us once he can talk better. For now we-“
She did not get to finish her sentence as FRIDAY interrupted them. “It appears Peter is in distress, boss.”
Both were up and running to Tony’s room in a blink of an eye. When they got there Peter was thrashing on the bed, blanket intertwined with his mangled legs and the IV line pulling. He was muttering raspy “No’s” in his sleep.
Tony ran to the bed and kneeled next to Peter, “Peter?” Nothing, just more thrashing, “Kiddo, it’s not real, I need you to wake up.” Still nothing. Tony got on to the bed and shook Peter's shoulders gently so as to not hurt him. Still nothing.
“He’s going to hurt himself if he doesn't wake up.” Helen said a bit frantic, her usually calm slipping. Tony was also starting to panic.
“Peter. Peter, I need you to wake up.” He shook his shoulders a bit more as he doged Peter’s flailing arms. “Peter!”
Peter’s eyes flew open and they were glazed over not quite seeing what was in front of him. His breathing was fast and shallow, but his arms slowed to a stop. “Peter, can you hear me?” Tony said, getting into his line of sight.
Peter blinked a few times, still breathing hard. His eyes started coming back into focus to see Tony’s face etched in concern in front of him. Peter started to cry and Tony immediately wrapped him in a hug. Helen went to check the IV and make sure it did not come out. Once she found it had stayed in, she slipped out of the room to give them privacy.
“I got you, I got you.” Tony said over and over, Peter was sobbing into his chest.
“I- I Th-Th-Thought,” Peter's voice was grating but he kept going, “I was b-back there.” he cried.
“You're safe. You're never going back there, I promise. I’ve got you, just breathe for me.” He didn’t even realize he was rocking them both side to side in a comforting manner, one of his hands combing through Peter’s curls. This started to calm Peter down.
After what felt like an hour to Tony, but was probably only a few minutes Peter’s breathing was almost back to normal, yet Peter was still clutching him. He was holding on to Tony with all the strength he had and not letting go. Tony held him, not letting him go either. He made a decision at that moment, he was not going to let Peter go. Not now, not ever.