Quentin: I’ve been dropping her the most insanely obvious hints for... like... a year now. No response.
Gwen: Wow, she sounds stupid.
Quentin: But she's not. She is really smart actually. Just... dense.
Gwen: Maybe you need to be more Obvious?
Gwen: Like... I don’t know...
Gwen: "Hey! I love you!"
Quentin: I guess you’re right.
Quentin: Hey, Gwen, I love you.
Gwen: See? Just like that.
Quentin: Holy f***ing shit.
Gwen: If that flies over her head, then sorry, Q, but she is too Dumb for you.
Kate: Uh oh.
Quentin: What?
Kate: Somebody's in love.
Quentin: Yeah, Yeah. You aren't right. I just think Gwenpool is cool. It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about her.
Quentin, later that night: Uh oh.
Quentin: *having mental breakdown* KATE!!
Kate: *rolling eyes* What’s happened this time?
Quentin: I want to go out with Gwen!
Kate: so?
Quentin: :(
Kate: *sigh* just come to her, give her a compliment and ask her.
Quentin: compliment?
Kate: oh, for merlin's sake, just say "you are beautiful" I think it will be enough.
*a few hours later*
Quentin: Hi, Gwen!
Gwen: What do you want Quentin?
Quentin: *grinning* I’m beautiful, dinner tonight?
Gwen:
Quentin: *sweating* Kate! It isn’t working!
Gwen:
Kate: Don’t even try talking to me Quentin, I'm done.
Gwen: It-think I have a crush on Quentin.
America: Congratulations! You are officially the last person to know.
Quentin, trying to flirt: So, my Love, how is the prettiest person in the whole universe doing?
Gwen: *not even looking up* I don't know, how are you doing?
Quentin: *voice cracks* I am doing good. Thanks.
Quentin: You hang up first.
Gwen: No you.
Quentin: Okay. *hangs up*
Gwen: *calls back* WHAT THE HECK? We were supposed to go back and forth for a while you idiot!
Gwen: So, how was your day?
Quentin: Good.
Gwen: My day was also amazing I had so much fu-
Quentin: Baby, don’t speak while we’re eating, please.
Gwen: oh…
Quentin: Thank you.
Gwen: …
Quentin: can you give me the-
Gwen: DON’T SPEAK WHILE WE’RE EATING PLEASE!
Gwen: *hugs Quentin*
Quentin: What is this?
Gwen: Affection.
Quentin: Disgusting.
Quentin:
Quentin: Keep doing it.
Quentin and others, counting down to Christmas: 3! 2! 1!
Gwen: Happy New Year!!!
Quentin:
Quentin: You look happy. Let me guess, your sandwich fell on the floor at the restaurant, and they gave it to you for free.
Gwen: No. Can you do that? Why doesn’t everyone just drop their sandwiches on the floor?
Quentin: I was trying to insult you.
Gwen: And instead you gave me an amazing life hack.
Quentin: Aren’t you sugar and spice and everything nice.
Gwen: Well, aren’t you rudeness and sarcasm and everything… uh…
Quentin: No, go on. You find something that rhymes with sarcasm and makes sense, and I’ll take the fall tonight.
Gwen: Christmas gets so much harder as you get older.
Gwen: "What do you want for Christmas?" I don’t know.
Gwen: Financial security? A stable job?
Quentin: A nap would be nice.
Quentin: Every talk I have with you people gets more and more absurd!
Gwen: You say "you people" as if you’re not part of the family. Well, I’ve got news for you. You’re already on the Christmas card.
Gwen: Is that a praying mantis?
Quentin: Yes.
Quentin: Don’t have sex with it. It will eat you after.
Gwen: Good call. It was looking at me all seductive like.
Quentin: That’s how they get you.
Quentin: Did you snap my laptop in half?
Gwen: What goes around, comes around.
Quentin: Are you seriously still upset about that sandwich from last week?
Gwen: That was the best sandwich I’d ever made.
Interviewer: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
Kate: Rude.
America: That’s fair.
Gwen: Not again.
Quentin: Are you going to want this back?
Waiter: So what would you guys like to order?
Gwen: Can I get a milkshake with two straws?
Quentin: Aww, mine love. That is so Cute-
Gwen: *puts the straws in his two mouths*
Gwen: Watch how fast I can drink this.
Quentin:
Quentin: Your sister and I do not have Pet Names for each other. You are being ridiculous, Teddy.
Teddy: I see...
Teddy: What do bees make?
Quentin: Honey.
Gwen, from another room: Yes, sweetheart?
Quentin:
Teddy: Quentin... Don't ever lie to my face again.
Quentin: Should we tell the whole world that we are dating?
Gwen: An excellent Idea.
Gwen: *picks up a bag of weapons*
Gwen: *whispers* Hey weapons, I'm dating Quentin Quire!
Quentin: Why are you telling your weapons that?
Gwen: Because my weapons are my Whole World.
Quentin:
Quentin: Wow.
Quentin: You fucking idiot.
Gwen: Q... If you get married can I have an Important Role in the Wedding?
Quentin: Well, geez. Gwenpool, I don't even know—
Gwen: Like the Bride.
Quentin:
Quentin: That was very smooth.
Gwen: I know, right?
Interviewer: Top ten Reasons you two should get Married?
Gwen: Firmly saying "That’s my husband!" and knocking someone out in one punch.
Quentin:
Gwen: ... And love, I guess.
Quentin: And this is my ex-girlfriend, Gwendolyn Poole.
Gwen: I told you to stop calling me that!
Gwen: I am his Wife.
Quentin: It’s like we finish each other-
Gwen: Swords.
Quentin: Sentences. Why would I say-
Gwen: Swords?
Quentin: That time I was gonna say swords.
Quentin: We are going Mattress Shopping.
Gwen: You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.
Quentin: Ohoho, I'm hearing what you are saying
Gwen: Mattress Trampoline!!
Gwen:
Quentin: Wait, no. You were talking about you know.
Quentin: As an omega-level mutant I have really high standards. I don-
Gwen, walking in, tripping & falling: Fu.. damn it.
Quentin: I want her.
Gwen: Q, can I... hug you?
Quentin: I don't care.
Quentin, blushing: I suppose if you find it necessary.
Gwen: I've got to go.
Quentin: Aren't you forgetting something?
Gwen: Uh...
Gwen: *gives Quentin a quick peck on the lips*
Quentin, blushing: I-I meant your coat, sweetheart..! You were forgetting your coat!
Quentin: I’m proud to identify as a moronsexual. I’m attracted to dumbasses and dumbasses exclusively.
Gwen: What kind of animal is the Pink Panther?
Quentin: *taking his clothes off*: Gwen you’re so f***ing stupid.
Gwen: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Quentin: Gwen please,... never become mine surgeon.
Gwen: But, Q! What you are doing is Dangerous!
Quentin: I’m not taking advice from you, Poole.
Quentin: You pronounce the "g" in "lasagna".
Quentin: Just leave me to do my dark bidding on the internet.
Gwen: What are thou bidding on, Q?
Quentin: I'm bidding on a table.
Gwen: Thank you for agreeing to see me, Q.
Quentin: I didn’t. You just walked in and started talking.
Gwen: Look, Hon, we don't have the time for a history lesson-
Quentin: Why are you crying?
Gwen: Because I'm stupid.
Quentin: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.
Gwen, in a jail cell: I’ve been in here so long I think I’ve lost my mind.
Gwen: Ze days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.
Gwen: How long have I been here now?! Ahlmahst a year?!
Quentin: No, it has been Eight Minutes, Honey. Would you like some water?
Gwen: Why don't you and I have a special dinner?
Quentin: Excellent Idea, Love. I’ll cook.
Gwen: Haven’t I suffered enough?
Gwen: Q, I notice zat you weren't feeling well lately so I made thee a nice warm cup of tea.
Quentin: It's cold.
Gwen: A nice cup of tea.
King: This tastes bad.
Gwen: Cup of tea.
Quentin: This doesn't even look like tea...
Gwen: Cup.
Gwen: How you hate to be wrong.
Quentin: I wouldn't know.
Quentin: I'm not familiar with the sensation.
Quentin: Gwen, I typed up your symptoms into the website here, and it says you may have Network Connectivity Problems.
Gwen: We are lost.
Quentin: Lost? As in "where the hell are we?"
Gwen: We are... not completely lost, Q! Were still on earth.
Quentin: You said this was a shortcut.
Gwen: It... It's a Shortcut! Look Q how, uh, fast we got lost...!
Gwen: I'm a firm believer in "if you are going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."
Gwen: I'd like to address Quentin's annoying personal habits.
Quentin: Oh come on! What Personal Habits?!
Gwen: I have a list. Overuse of the phrase "Oh come on!" is number 12.
Gwen: Please no, I love you.
Quentin: I’m sorry I have to.
Gwen: Please, I’m begging you, after all, we’ve been through?
Quentin: I’m sorry
Quentin: [places a +4 card]
Quentin: Uno
*amusement park date*
Gwen: I’m gonna win you a million teddy bears.
Quentin: Well, I want a billion teddy bears.
Gwen: hm, that’s a little bit unrealistic.
Quentin: *arguing* This is a stupid idea-
Kate: *nods at Gwen*
Gwen: *hugs Quentindraco from behind*
Quentin: *flustered* ...What was I saying?
Gwen: You were agreeing with Kate.
Quentin: …Yeah.
Kate: So, explain to me how you got into the accident
Quentin: Okay, so there was a deer on the road but Gwen didn’t see it so I said "Gwen, deer!"
Kate: and??
Gwen: I said, "Yes, honey?"
Kate: Quentin, kiss, marry, kill: Gwen, America, Fuse
Quentin: Kill America, kill Fuse.
Quentin:
Quentin: Marry Gwen.
Quentin: *looks at Gwen with intention*
Gwen: Yes.
Fuse: What the heck just happened?
America: I…I think they just got engaged.
Quentin: *sitting on Gwen’s lap* Pay attention to me.
Gwen: We were literally just making out two seconds ago!
Quentin: I don’t see your point, Pinky.
Gwen:
Quentin: Pay attention to me.
"Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed."
– Gwenpool
Gwen: You know, don’t take this the wrong way, but I feel like you’ve become a lot more fun since I’ve known you.
Quentin: Thanks. And if I might return the compliment, I think you’ve become marginally less irritating.
Quentin: I’ve been feeling kind of sluggish lately.
Gwen: I like slugs.
Quentin: Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing?!
Gwen: Well, clearly, I’m stabbing myself with this sword to see if it kills me– Oh, God, what am I doing?
Kate: Don’t worry. Quentin likes your butt and your fancy hair. I know. I read his diary.
Gwen: [touching her hair in wonder] They think it’s fancy?
Quentin: What the heck did you do last night?
Gwen: I embarrassed myself, my family, my name, and possibly my country.
Quentin: A friend came looking for you.
Gwen: A friend?
Quentin: …an enemy.
Gwen: Oh! Which one?
[Gwen walks into Quentin’s apartment after fighting with them]
Gwen: I’m so sorry to interrupt your dinner.
Quentin: How did you get in here?!
Gwen: I’m not here to discuss your lack of home security. I’m here to apologize.
"Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make."
– Quentin
Quentin: Did I hear someone ask for a miracle? Let me hear you say “AHH!”
Kate: [screams in terror]
Quentin: That’s close enough.
Quentin: Okay, yeah, I LOVE Gwen! I have loving feelings for Gwen. But does that mean I am IN love with them? No-
Quentin: Oh my god. I’m in love with Gwen.
Quentin, to the rest of the squad: Why didn’t you guys tell me?
Fuse: We thought you knew.
Quentin: You actually make a good argument.
Gwen: I do some of my best work when I bullshit.
Fuse: I did something terrible.
Gwen: It’s okay, I have a shovel.
Fuse: Wait, what do you think I did?
Gwen: It doesn’t matter, no one will ever know.
Gwen: It’s fine, I understand. You might find this hard to believe, but I can be a little childish sometimes, myself.
Quentin: Yes. You have gum in your hair right now.
Gwen: Noted.
Fuse: My worst trauma is when Quentin tried to murder me during a tornado.
Quentin: Okay, I didn’t try to murder you.
Quentin: I just didn’t save you.
Kate: I love your friendship, guys!
Fuse: Yo.
Clint: Did you just say “yo”?
Fuse: I started saying it ironically, but now it’s just natural.
Clint: Cool. [fingerguns]
Fuse: You too?
Clint: Yep. [fires finger guns several times]
America: I don’t dress to impress. I dress to depress. I wanna look so good people hate themselves.
Fuse: ACHOO, Kate!
Kate: Why did you say my name while you sneezed?
Fuse: I felt insecure.
America: 1+2 equals me and you~
Kate: 1 + 2 equals three, you buffoon.
America: It’s like 10, ‘cause you’re the only ten I see.
Kate: You are failing math. Can you like, concentrate? For 5 minutes.
Clint: Wait, I was there. How did I miss that?
America: Well it was after the party. You were probably ironing wrapping paper.
Clint: *smiling* Oh yeah!
Gwen: Quentin, you can’t design a murder house!
Quentin: I’m not gonna design a murder house.
Client: QUENTIN, YOU CAN’T DESIGN A MURDER HOUSE!!
Quentin: I’M NOT GONNA DESIGN A MURDER HOUSE!
Gwen: Putting ‘uwu’ at the end of a sentence makes the sentence cute and unharmful.
Quentin: I love you uwu
Kate: I Just got food uwu
Teddy: I’ll fucking murder you uwu
Gwen: Please don’t do that uwu
Teddy: No promises uwu
Gwen, texting: Y'all are insane.
Quentin, texting: Y'all.
Clint, texting: Y'all.
Kate, texting: Y'all.
America, texting: Y'all.
Gwen: Why am I friends with you guys.
Teddy, texting: Y'all*
Gwen: OH MY GOD.
Kate: Everyone synchronizes your watches.
America: I don’t know how to do that.
Quentin: I don’t wear a watch.
Gwen: Time is a construct.
Kate: Those are cute jeans.
Gwen: You’re cute jeans.
Kate: Those are my jeans?
Gwen: No.
Kate: Oh, I thought you said “your cute jeans”.
Gwen: I did.
Kate: Those are my jeans?
Quentin: I like the idea of a romantic couple calling each other synonyms of clichè nicknames.
Quentin: “Love bunny” is “affection rabbit”.
Quentin: OR…
Quentin: “Candied vascular system” is “sweetheart”.
Gwen: Do baby girl.
Quentin: “Infant woman”.
Clint: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Fuse: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Kate: Then you’re poisonous, you idiot!
America: What if it bites itself and I die?
Clint: That’s voodoo.
Teddy: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Clint: That’s corralation, not causation.
Quentin: What if we bite each other, and neither of us dies?
Gwen: That’s kinky ;)
Teddy: I am the sand guardian! Guardian of the sand!
Gwen: *Slaps roof of Teddy* Poseidon/Clint quivers before them!
Teddy: *looking at Clint* Fuck off!
Clint: [finds a bag with “DEAD DOVE, do not eat” written on it in the fridge]
Clint: [opens it]
Clint:
Clint: I don’t know what I expected…
Fuse: Who would win in a battle between Gwenpool and Kate?
Quentin: I can’t answer that, Gwen is my partner.
Fuse: So, Kate?
Quentin: Yeah.
Fuse: Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.
Kate: Hey, Fuse!
Fuse: I love you.
Kate: Quentin, have you seen Gwen?
Quentin: I’m not seeing Gwen!
Kate: What?
Quentin: What?
Quentin: I just hate Gwen! With her ‘ooh, I’m so smart!’, ‘ooh, I’m so pretty!’, and ‘ooh, I smell so good!’
Gwen: I think somebody has a crush on somebody!
Quentin: Can we please just focus on my problem here?
Tony: Hello, people who do not live here.
Kate: Hey.
America: Hi.
Fuse: Hello.
Quentin: Hey!
Tony: I gave you the key for emergencies!
Gwen: We were out of Doritos.
Kate: We are helping Quentin write their vows, but they kicked us out because America kept making inappropriate suggestions.
America: How is “Gwen, I love your sweet ass” inappropriate?
Kate: Clint, don’t you think you’ve had enough to drink?
Clint: I’m just helping the kids.
Kate: How are you drinking helping the kids?
Clint: Because the more I drink, the less there is for the kids to drink.
[during Halloween]
Gwen: Q, we need more candy.
Quentin: But there’s only been like four kids.
Gwen: Yeah, but one of them told me she loved me so I gave her everything.
America: What are we doing?
Clint: Wasting our lives.
America: I meant for lunch.
America: No, no, no, no, you can’t come in here… Gwen is naked!
Fuse: What?
Gwen: What?
America: I couldn’t say I was naked; he's allowed to see me naked.
Gwen: Why does anyone have to be naked?!
Clint: Kate, relax. Go get a beer.
Kate: I don’t want a beer.
Clint: I didn’t say it was for you.
Gwen: Hey, Q, do you think I can get this egg in that jar without it cracking?
Quentin: No.
Gwen: [throws an egg at America]
Gwen: I guess you were right.
Kate: There’s only one thing worse than a rapist. [pulls off the paper to show the word ‘child’ above the word ‘rapist’] Boom.
Fuse: [gasp] A child!
Kate: No-
Clint: Agent Coyote, this is headquarters, do you copy?
Fuse: Yes sir, I do.
Clint: Agent Little Dick, do you copy?
Quentin: AGENT WHAT?!
Clint:
Clint: Agent Little Dick.
Quentin, answering the phone: Hello?
Gwen: It’s Gwenpool.
Quentin: What’d she do?
Gwen: No. I’m Gwenpool.
Quentin: Oh. What’d you do?
Gwen and Quentin: *staring into each other’s eyes*
Clint: *opens a soda can*
Gwen: we’re having a moment.
Clint: I’m having a cola
Gwen: On how many legs do mice walk?
Quentin: Four?
Gwen: Good, but which mouse walks on two?
Quentin: How am I supposed to know?
Gwen: Mickey Mouse, Now what duck walks on two legs?
Quentin: Donald Duck.
Gwen: WRONG, All ducks walk on two legs, you uncultured lettuce.