“How did you do it?”
Natasha glances away from the road briefly to set her gaze upon her sister sitting in the passenger seat. Upon the silence settling around them, Yelena clarifies.
“How did you decide to just go on and do good? How did you decide to just-- to just change?” Yelena’s fingers fiddle with the zipper on her vest, her gaze peering out over the night sky to avoid eye contact. Widows were made to destroy. They were built to hurt and kill. Yelena still can’t believe that her sister is a superhero, someone little girls aspire to be and not fear.
Natasha is quiet and for a few moments, Yelena thought she was ignoring her. Natasha is busy gathering her thoughts, listening to Yelena nervously shifting in the passenger seat as she waits for an answer. “I was given an offer. An out.”
Yelena waits for more of an answer, letting out a frustrated huff of air when it becomes clear that Natasha wasn’t going to expand on her answer. “So… you were just given an offer and-- and just took it? Decided to stop killing people willy nilly?”
“I didn’t stop killing people,” Natasha corrects, the answer coming automatically past her lips as she pulls up to a red light. She peers over at Yelena. Yelena has her bottom lip tucked between her teeth to chew on it nervously. “I just…” Natasha lets out a sigh. “I just didn’t hurt those who were innocent.”
Yelena rests her head against the cool glass of the window, peering up at the stars in the sky. She never really took the time to stop and look at them, drinking in the sight. “Little girls look up to you and call you their hero.” She comments quietly, wondering if fireflies were native to the area they were in.
“I never asked them to,” Came Natasha’s quiet response, her voice barely above a whisper as the light turns green. She didn’t think she was much to look up to either.
“You chose to join the big guys. The Avengers. You had a choice,” Yelena pulls her head away from the glass, twisting in her seat to face her sister. “It’s not fair…” She finishes softly.
Natasha frowns. “What’s not fair?” she inquired, pulling onto the nearly empty freeway. “I picked a choice out of what I was given.” Yelena was quiet and Natasha turns to watch her sister stare at her.
“You got out and did good… you made this whole grand life for yourself-- you got yourself a new family!” Yelena flops back into her chair, shrinking in on herself. “People think you’re good. A superhero… but you’re a Widow. Just like me.”
“You can be good too.” The words leave Natasha’s mouth faster than she can think of the ramifications of such a statement. Yelena tilts her head back, a bitter laugh escaping her mouth.
“Yeah right,” She scoffs, giving a dry chuckle as she shakes her head. “Me and you? We’re not the same.”
“We are both Widows. We’ve had our childhoods ripped from us, we were taught to kill, we had our uteri taken--” Natasha starts to list before Yelena shakes her head.
“No! You got out. You left me behind-- you don’t know what I’ve done… You got out and became a superhero. You are practically a saint to those who worship the ground you walk on. You show up and everyone is happy to see you. They aren’t scared of you,” Yelena sneers, such an unfamiliar look on the face that had once stared up at Natasha with nothing but adoration.
“Well…” Natasha starts quietly, facing the road again. “If I’m a saint, then what are you?”
Yelena’s lip curls into a glower as she folds her arms, sinking down in her seat. “I am a sinner.” She declares. “I have done the worst of the worst.”
“I can almost guarantee that whatever you’ve done, I also have,” Natasha lets out a soft sigh, her grip tightening on the wheel of the car. “Don’t compare trauma.”
Yelena clicks her tongue against her teeth. “See--” She shoves a finger at Natasha and the redhead swats it away. “You’re all ‘I’ve done bad things, blah, blah, blah’. But you are one of the big guys! You can sweep all of your red under the rug and nobody cares.”
“What do you want from me?!” Natasha finally snaps, the car stopping abruptly at the next red light as she slammed her hand down on the steering wheel in frustration. “Do you want an apology? Do you want me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness for my sins? Do you want me to praise the lord that I took the choice to become an Avenger, just trying my best to atone for what I’ve done?!”
Yelena hadn’t been expecting the outburst, shrinking back in her seat as her body tensed up to get ready for a fight at the yelling. Natasha spots her coiled like a spring, ready to fight or flee, and lets out a tired sigh.
“I dunno…” Yelena finally admits quietly, swallowing hard as she glances out the window so she doesn’t have to stare at the conflicting emotions in her sister’s eyes. “I thought--” She struggles for the words, resting her forehead against the cool glass of the window. “How?” She finally finishes, the only word she can manage to get past her lips.
“I’m not a mind reader, Yelena. You need to elaborate,” Natasha is exhausted and in no way is she ready for a conversation like this. Perhaps she had been expecting it after figuring out that her sister was still in the Red Room but she didn’t realize how much it was going to hurt.
“I--” Yelena curls her fingers into fists as she ducks her head down. “How do you be good?” She finally asked.
Natasha turns to peer over at her sister and is suddenly struck by how young her sister is. She may be twenty-six and she may have been the best child assassin out there but her sister is still so naive about the way of the world in the ways that matter.
“I don’t want to kill people but it’s all I know how to do. It’s what I’m good at,” Yelena continues on when Natasha doesn’t reply, her voice soft and hesitant. “How-- how do you be good? How do you stop hurting people? How do you stop the nightmares and the memories--” Yelena is breathing heavily, digging her fingers into her jeans.
Natasha pulls over the car so she can focus on her sister. “Yelena. Yelena, hey--” She reaches out to touch her sister’s shoulder but Yelena’s hand snaps out to grab the wrist in a bruising hold, jerking away from her touch. “Okay. It’s okay, just look at me.”
Yelena peers up at Natasha, her hazel eyes glassy with tears and the redhead can see the uncertainty swimming in them. Yelena refuses to let the tears fall, having been taught better than that.
“I had a lot of help. I didn’t just get out and decide to do goo. I was given a chance to prove that I was more than what the Red Room made me,” Natasha finally gives Yelena an honest answer no matter how much it hurt to recall how she got out and left her behind. Yelena deserved it. “You are so much more than what Dreykov made of you.”
Yelena doesn’t hesitate to shake her head. “No.” She lets Natasha’s wrists go, shoving herself as far away as she can in the small car. She ends up with her body pressed against the door as she curls up like a caged animal, reaching up to tug at her hair. “Don’t lie to me.” She whimpers out.
“I’m not lying.” Natasha said firmly. “I have no reason to lie.” She can feel the throbbing in her wrists from where Yelena grabbed her, blood flow returning to her hands. “You can be more than a killer.”
Yelena shakes her head. “You don’t understand, Natalia…” She murmurs and Natasha flinches slightly at the use of her old name. Yelena looks frustrated and upset that she can’t convey what she wants.
“Then help me understand,” Natasha outstretched her hand, her palm facing upward. She holds her breath, watching as Yelena bites her lower lip hard enough to draw blood.
“I can’t be like you…” Yelena whispers, glancing at the outstretched hand. She slowly reaches out, her fingers delicately grasping Natasha’s hand so that her other hand can push the sleeve of Natasha’s shirt up. Her thumb gently ghosts over the red marks she had left behind on her skin when she had grabbed Natasha hard. “All I do is hurt. We are not the same. I cannot be a hero…”
Natasha reaches out to set her other hand on top of Yelena’s, noticing the scars and calluses on her hands. “Then don’t be a hero.”
Yelena swallows hard, her tongue darting out to lick away a bead of blood from her lower lip. “What do I do then?” She looked so lost and young.
Natasha’s voice softens. “Go get yourself a little house with a white picket fence. Go and get that dog you told me about. Go be-- go be normal,” Natasha tells her, gently squeezing Yelena’s hand. “Go find out what kind of things you like. Go buy clothes that aren’t army surplus vests. Find a hobby that makes you happy.”
Yelena slowly squeezed Natasha’s hand back. “I don’t know how to be normal.” She confessed in a tiny voice.
Natasha gives her a sad smile. “Neither do I.” She said softly, her thumb running over a few scars along Yelena’s fingertips from knives and guns. “But after we take down the Red Room then you’ll have all the time in the world to figure it out.”
“What if I can’t be good or normal? What if I’m just destined to hurt people?” Yelena inquired, honest fear in her tone that she can be nothing more than a killer.
Natasha gives her a small smile that she hopes reassures Yelena just like when they were children. “We’ll figure it out.”
Yelena scrunches her face up in confusion, pulling her hand away. “We?” She questioned.
“Did you think that I’m just going to abandon you again after this? After I’ve learned that you weren’t out living your life?” Natasha inquired and she tries not to feel hurt when the look on Yelena's face tells her that, yes, she really did expect to be abandoned again. Natasha tries not to think of just how much she’s failed her baby sister. “I’m sorry for not coming back for you.” Her voice fails, cracking at the end.
Yelena looks away, reaching up to furiously scrub at her eyes with her sleeve. She’s unsure of how to handle the apology.
“I’m here now. We’re not going to be ripped apart again. So let’s bring down the Red Room and sort out what we’re gonna do afterward,” Natasha tells her softly.
Yelena peers over at Natasha, her eyes red from tears as her lower lip quivers. “Promise?” She asked in a tiny voice and Natasha thinks of when little six-year-old Yelena would ask the same thing.
This time, Natasha doesn’t hesitate to nod. “I promise.” She immediately feels the weight of the word in her chest and she doesn’t intend to break this promise.
Yelena stares at her for a few moments before clicking her tongue against her teeth, slowly unfolding from where she had curled up in her seat. “I forgot how mushy you make me.”
Natasha can’t help the soft laugh that escapes her lips, waiting until Yelena has untwisted her seatbelt to prepare to pull back onto the road. “You’re the one that started the conversation.”
Yelena doesn’t deny that, resting her hand onto the console with her hand up. Natasha can read just how much she wants to touch Natasha again but is too afraid of pushing boundaries and asking.
Natasha waits until they’re steady on the road again before she takes one hand off the wheel and sets it into Yelena’s, giving it a small squeeze.
She pretends not to see the relief or the small smile on Yelena’s face.
Neither of them mentions it.