“Viktoria, that is enough!” Yelena finally raised her voice, reaching toward her to grab her before she spills more paint. “Let go of your paints!”
It happened so fast that neither of them realized what had happened until Yelena toppled backward at the force of the hit, paint smudged on her jaw from where Viktoria’s knuckles hit her face.
Then the anger just melts away and Viktoria is left with nothing but shame and guilt threatening to swallow her whole.
“Hey!” It doesn’t take long for Varvara, who had been posing for Viktoria to paint, to jolt toward Viktoria but Yelena tackles her before she reaches her, pulling her close.
She’s worried you’ll hurt them too. Viktoria’s mind whispers to her.
It was an accident. Viktoria would never hurt Yelena on purpose. She just-- she was so frustrated. Painting portraits helped calm her down but she accidentally left a blot of paint somewhere it shouldn't have been and it got smeared and she got very angry and she doesn’t even remember Yelena moving toward her.
She can’t breathe. Her hands are still shaking and she’s still worried she’s going to do something stupid or rash. Viktoria turns on her foot and she bolts toward the door.
“Viktoria, stop!” Yelena calls out but Viktoria doesn’t listen, yanking the door open and bolting out into the yard.
The nearest town was a long drive away and an even longer walk so Viktoria didn’t have to worry about people. She runs for as long and as hard as she can until she’s out of breath, sweat and tears pouring down her face as she hunched over in an attempt to catch her breath.
How could she hit Yelena? How could she raise her hand against the only person who has given her chance after chance?
Her phone rings and Viktoria checks her pocket, seeing that Yelena was calling her. She denies the call, her hand still shaking.
Why can’t she stop being so angry? She buries her face into her hands, letting out a frustrated yell.
None of her sisters are even remotely as angry as her. Varvara got angry but she only matched whoever’s anger there was.
What if she hurt one of her sisters? What if Viktoria punched Daria? Or Ksenia? They were little. They were small and scared and Viktoria would never forgive herself if she hurt them.
Viktoria kicks at the ground and she lets out frustrated cries as she tugs at her hair. Whatever was in that mind control serum really fucked with her brain and broke her. It messed up the part that controls her anger, that must be it. Otherwise, Viktoria is a horrible person and Yelena shouldn’t keep her around.
Her phone rings again and Viktoria peers down to see that Mischa was calling her. After a few moments of hesitation, she declines the call. She’s still much too angry and the last thing she needed was to snap at her sister.
Viktoria continues along the path, going at a much more sedated pace this time. She was sure that she must look a wreck, paint splattered on her hands and clothes, her red face, her wild hair from tugging at it.
Her phone rings once again and she peers down at it. It was an unknown number and Viktoria stops in her tracks. She had given her number to a few of the Widows she had rescued in case they needed help or someone to talk to. She wasn’t in the best state of mind but she could redirect them to one of her sisters or Yelena.
She answers the phone, pulling it up to her ear. “Hello?”
“Hello, Vikki,” Her Aunt Nat’s voice came through the phone and Viktoria immediately pulled the phone away from her ear to end the call. “Viktoria Belova, don’t you dare hang up on me!”
Viktoria froze at the sound of Yelena’s last name. Most of the girls weren’t sure of their last names, having forgotten it long ago in a haze of red as they were programmed. Viktoria knew that the youngest of the bunch took on Yelena’s last name proudly but Viktoria had never asked. “She called you.” Viktoria surmised miserably.
“She did. She’s worried about you,” Natasha replies, her tone softening from the harsh yell it was before. “Where are you?”
“Walking along the side of the road,” Viktoria murmurs.
“Stop for a minute, find the nearest place to sit, and take a moment to rest,” Natasha instructs and Viktoria finds her eyes flickering around. There was a fallen tree nearby and Viktoria trudged over to it, taking a seat on it.
“I’m sitting,” She mumbles, hanging her head as she looks down at her paint-splattered hands.
“Good. Let’s talk things out,” Natasha says and Viktoria sighs. “Tell me what happened.”
“I punched Yelena,” Viktoria grumbles out, folding in on herself.
“And before that? What led up to it?” Natasha coaxed and Viktoria’s eyes slide closed as she describes the frustration she felt at messing up the painting, wanting everything to be perfect. How she couldn’t get it right and was taking out her anger on her paint tubes. How Yelena recognized she was spiraling and stepped in. How Viktoria didn’t mean to but she had hauled off and smashed her fist into the face of the only woman to care about her and not give up on her.
Natasha listens quietly, not interrupting until Viktoria had finished. “So you ran because you were scared.”
Viktoria feels her face flush red at being so blatantly called out. “Yeah… I guess…”
“Viktoria, Yelena called me frantic and asked me to try and reach you. She’s worried about you,” Natasha says and Viktoria just feels guilt settle right next to the shame and regret. “Listen to me. She loves you. And you don’t give up on the people that you love.”
“That’s funny coming from someone who abandoned Yelena!” Viktoria can’t help but snap before slapping a hand over her mouth in horror.
The phone was quiet for a few moments and Viktoria thought that perhaps Natasha had hung up. “You’re right.” Natasha finally said, her voice quieter. “And it was one of the biggest regrets that I have. I should have looked for her. But I didn’t. I thought she would never want me in her life after what I did. But she did. She was willing to hear me out and accept my apology and she slowly let me back into her life.”
“She’s good.” Viktoria said quietly.
“She is,” Natasha’s voice softens again. “And she has a lot of love to give. Most of all, she understands. Sometimes, I think she might know us better than we know ourselves. She loves you, Viktoria. She’s not going to stop loving you.”
“I punched her.” Viktoria repeats.
“It was an accident. Vikki, she’s not going to hold accidents against you. You didn’t mean to. I can tell you that until I’m blue in the face but at the end of the day, she’s worried about you and waiting for you to come home when you’re ready,” Natasha says and Viktoria lets out a sigh full of regret. “She’s not upset at you for running.” Natasha pauses for a moment. “The first time she ever tried to run away was in Ohio. She was five and she was angry that they wouldn’t make mac n cheese for dinner.”
Viktoria blinks back tears, having never heard the story before. “What did she do?”
“Well, she loaded as many toys into her little backpack as she could, stopped by my room to ask me if I could help her tie her shoes, and then she walked right out the front door.” Natasha recalls.
“How far did she get?” Viktoria questioned curiously.
“She made it to the end of the driveway before remembering she couldn’t go in the road without an adult holding her hand so she sat at the end of the driveway with her bag until she got too hot and turned around and came right back inside,” Natasha lets out a soft chuckle. “Melina told her if she was done running away then to wash up and sit down for dinner.”
“Did she?” Viktoria tries to think of little five-year-old Yelena trudging back into the house after running away to the end of the driveway.
“Yes. She sat down and ate dinner without a complaint, even if she was unhappy that she didn’t get macaroni,” Natasha lets out a small sigh as she remembers. “My point being, she knows about running. She’s run all her life, even before there was something to run from. She doesn’t blame you for what happened and when you’re ready then she would like for you to return home.”
Viktoria tilts her head back to peer up at the sky. “I hate that I’m so angry that I don’t know what to do with it.”
“Well…” Natasha’s voice was hesitant and it causes Viktoria to frown. “You can always try therapy.”
“I’m not crazy!” Viktoria can’t help but snap at her.
“I never said you were. But if you’re open to trying anything to help with it then I suggest that you try that. If you don’t like it then don’t go back.” Natasha says and Viktoria closed her eyes, trying to think about what she should do. “Just think about it.”
“Okay…” She whispers. “I’m sorry. For snapping at you… for almost hanging up on you…”
“Don’t be. You have people here to support you, Vikki. You just need to let yourself be supported,” Natasha tells her.
“I think… I think I’m going to start walking back,” Viktoria tells Natasha, noticing the way that the sky was starting to get dark.
“Would you like me to keep you company on the walk back?” Natasha asked her and Viktoria lets out a sigh.
“Yes please… that sounds nice.”
So Viktoria stands and slowly starts to make her way back. Natasha tells her more stories about Yelena when she was a little girl to keep her mind off of the anxiety of returning.
Viktoria announced when she reached the driveway and Natasha gives her a few more words of encouragement before they part ways and hung up.
Yelena was waiting for her and as soon as she stepped in the door, Yelena appears, reaching out to gently grasp her face and look her over for injuries. “Are you okay?”
Viktoria feels her face crumple as she takes in the sight of the bruise forming on Yelena’s jaw. “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” Yelena pulls Viktoria into a tight hug. “I forgive you.”
“I’m sorry, mom,” Viktoria repeats, finally falling apart in Yelena’s arms where it was safe. “I’m so sorry.”
“I know, shh,” Yelena holds her close, kissing her head and smoothing back her hair. “I’ve got you, sweetheart.”
Viktoria cries into her shoulder and Yelena holds her close.
She doesn’t deserve to have Yelena but she is so incredibly lucky that she does.