Nothing But Grey

And that is where my yearlong montage started… (Insert nostalgic 80’s upbeat song here).

June 

My alarm would wake me up every morning to the tune of Mr. Blue Sky where I would jump in the shower first before getting dressed and waking up Theo and Jamie.

Theo was working part time and getting a head start in school by taking a few summer courses. Jamie was on summer break so he got to go to the free day camp the local community center was hosting for a few hours.

They were desperate to keep me so I managed to negotiate a hybrid schedule. I worked half the day in the office and the other half I was home with Jamie. This freed up my schedule so I could also do my freelance work.

In no time it was just like the good old days. We were a perfectly synchronized well-oiled machine.

There were a few hiccups along the way. Mostly us having to commute to and from work using LA’s public transit which had somehow gotten worse. It really made me miss New York even with its massive rat problem.

July

One month and I caved. I gave into the temptation and bought a car. Not a new one, but a certified pre-owned one I saw on sale online. I had enough left over from my new hire bonus to pay it off in full.

Jamie and I decided to surprise Theo by picking him up at school.

He tried flipping him off when we honked at him but once he saw us his jaw dropped.

“What the hell Hanna?” Theo said.

“Do you like our new car?” I asked.

“You bought a car?” He asked. “You can’t even drive. Wait, when did you learn to drive? And how did you get the DMV to give you a license when you’re color blind?”

“Steve taught me a few work arounds besides this isn’t for me.” I said tossing him the keys.

“You bought me a car?” Theo said. “You bought me this car.”

“I call it Pikachu.” Jamie said smiling. We had never had a car before and the last time he was in one

“The name fits. Why yellow?” Theo asked.

“Why do you think it was so cheap?” I retorted.

“They really wanted it off the lot.” He said.

“I got them to bring down the price and give us 2 years of free oil changes.” I said.

“Can we even afford it?” Theo asked.

“We’d spend the same on gas as you do on Metro passes now.” I said.

“Pikachu I choose you.” Theo said taking the keys. “You know what this means right? You’re officially an old mom because this is an old mom car.”

“You’re the one driving it.” I reminded him.

“Does this mean we can go on a road trip now?” Jamie asked.

“Why do you want to go on a road trip?” I asked.

“I don’t know.” Jamie said. “We’ve never been on a real vacation.”

“We’ll see buddy.” Theo said deep in though. Man that kid was getting good at guilt tripping us. “Though a road trip would be the best way to break in Pikachu.”

“I’ll think you’ll be sitting in enough traffic as it is.” I teased.

August-

“So where to first?” I said putting down a map of the US. “Here to Cabo, Vegas and Back, or should we go old school go to the Grand Canyon?”

“Uh… I have a better idea.” Theo said with a smile.

Five and a half hours later blasting the AC in the car to the hightest setting we drove into a tunnel.

“Dad are we there yet?” Jamie complained. “I feel ants in my foot and butt.”

“Almost.” Theo said.

“Are we?” I asked also in desperate need to stretch a bit.

“Yes.” Theo said it’s just on the other side of this tunnel. “Just get ready for thing you’ve ever seen.

“Dramatic much?” I said as we came out and damn, that was a great view.

“Whoa!” Jamie said.

“Now that is a view.” I said.

“Can’t get that in the city.” Theo said.

“I’ve never seen so much green before.” Jamie said. “And it smells so clean.”

“That’s called fresh air.” Theo said. “And our first stop. The next stop is going to be even better.”

“Let’s see if we even make it through the night.” I said.

“Don’t be such a sourpuss.” Theo said. “You’re going to love it.

Five hours later…

“I don’t like it.” Jamie said swatting a mosquito off his arm.

“I really don’t like it.” I said getting eaten alive by mosquitos.

“You’ve lived in third world countries.” Theo said.

“They have mosquito nets there.” I retorted.

“It’s just one night. Just listen to the sounds of the forest.” Theo said and it was quiet until we heard a howl in the distance. “Did that sound like a wolf?”

“There aren’t any wolves in California.” Jamie informed him.

There was another howl and it sounded like more than one animal.

“Probably a coyote.” Theo said.

“Do coyotes eat people?” Jamie asked. Theo and I exchanged looks.

“Uh… not sure but just to be safe how about we sleep in the car instead of the tent?” I said getting up as Jamie did the same.

“Oh relax chances are it’s more afraid of us than we are of it.” Theo said.

“Well let us know how that goes.” I said ushering Jamie into the car.

“Come on Hanna, don’t be a chicken.” Theo said as we unlocked the car and moved the seats down to make some extra room.

The coyotes howled again, a bit closer now.

“Scoot over.” Theo said jumping into the car.

“Come on dad, don’t be a chicken.” Jamie teased.

“Safety in numbers.” Theo said.

The following morning we headed out but this time we took plenty of breaks. We stopped by a variety of roadside attractions such as Toad Hollow, the eternal tree house, and a bunch of other random tourist traps that Jamie loved. We got him a novelty T-shirt from every place (On sale of course).

We could never afford to take our kid to Disney world, or Europe or any other cool vacation spot but now he could never say that he has never been on a vacation.

It took us longer than we were expecting but we finally made it to Redwood National Park.

Between the 2 national parks I had been two they were both amazing but Redwood National park was my favorite.

“They’re so big.” Jamie said looking up at the giant redwood trees. “There’s no way anyone could climb them.”

“They are the tallest trees in the world. Thousands of years old.” I said.

“Yeah, but you two are missing the point.” Theo said. “Do you guys have any idea where we are right now?”

“Redwood National Park.” Jamie and I said at the same time.

“No… well yeah but… just let me tell you a story of a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.” Theo said waiting for us to suddenly be amazing at nothing.

“These are really nice trees.” I said.

“Really red. How come other trees aren’t red like this?” Jamie asked.

“It’s a mix of the composition of the soil the salt in the air and genetic makeup of the tree.” I said.

“Guys, stop being nerds. We’re in Endor!” Theo said.

“Endor?” Jamie asked confused as I started looking around.

“This is Endor.” I said finally making sense as to why my dork of a best friend dragged us all the up here. “We’re in Endor!”

“Endor!” Theo cheered.

“What’s Endor?” Jamie asked confused.

“A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, Han Solo, Princess Leia, Chewy and an adorable bunch of Ewoks helped take out the Galactic Empire and saved the universe. Right here.” Theo said.

“This is where they made Star Wars?!” Jamie said getting excited.

“No.” I corrected. “This is where George Lucas got the idea for Endor.”

“They should make this place a national landmark.” Theo said.

“It’s a national park.” I reminded him.

“They should rename it Endor National Park.” Theo suggested.

“A little late for that.” I said.

“This is awesome!” Jamie cheered.

We marked the occasion by buying Jamie t shirt with the tagline, I went to Endor and all I got was this shirt.

There was no denying it, he was definitely our kid.

It was a memorable trip and the beginning of a new tradition for the three of us. Taking random little weekend road trips when we all had time. Which ended up being once a month or every other month depending on how much time we had.

The end of our vacation marked the end of summer and also marked 3 months since I had returned to my old job, which meant that my health benefits finally kicked in.

September

The first thing I did when my calendar reminder popped up on my phone that morning was start looking for a good therapist. Traveling and looking for the son of the first soulmates or should I say the first soulmates bonded by magic was a dead end. Literally.

So maybe the answer wasn't out in the multiverse or in history or some loose end. Maybe I had to do some work on myself and dig deep. Really deep. I did some research and looked for a good therapist. One that wouldn’t jump straight to loading me up with drugs.

Lucky for me the Elaine of this universe was in my health insurance’s network and she had an opening the next day.

Early the Next Morning…

It was a little freaky to be back on the same couch almost 2 years later. It was also freaky that the Elaine of this universe was not at all like the coastal hippie grandma therapist I was used to working with.

This Elaine was more polished, keeping her hair up in a tight bun. Instead of layers of knit cardigans and boho chic dresses she wore pant suits, tailored dresses, blazers and heels or loafers.

The office was not eclectic and cozy with throw pillows and poofs and scattered little trinkets or small geodes and crystals. It was aesthetically pleasing composed of different shades of neutrals with a backdrop of a dark blue wall and dark wood furniture.

“Alright Hanna. What brings you in today?” Elaine said sitting down in her chair.

“Uh… It’s not my first time in therapy.” I said.

“Obviously not if you already went ahead and booked another session at the same time and at the same day for the foreseeable future.” Elaine said. “You must be going through something pretty big if you’re already assuming we’re going to be seeing a lot of each other.”

“You could say that.” I said.

“Alright, tell me your story.” She said picking up her pen.

“Guess I should start by warning you I’m a bit of a mess.” I said.

“I used to work with convicted murderers and drug addicts so I doubt anything you throw at me will surprise me.” Elaine said. “Hit me with it.”

So I did with some obvious embellishments and creative liberties so I wouldn’t get sent to the looney bin.

“It went on for a while and life just kept piling it on. It became more and more obvious that I was alone, no one depended on me and frankly everyday would be the same with or without me so what was I sticking around for. So I tried to kill myself.” I said.

“And do you still feel that way?” She asked.

“No. Life sucks, but there are some bright spots, you just have to hang on long enough to get to them.” I said. “Weirdly trying to kill myself and hitting rock bottom was kind of what helped me get back on track, or at least in that direction. I took a break from work and everything. Traveled, met some people and then life happened again. My sister in law is away forever. I made amends with my best friend, we’re raising our kid together and things are okay again.”

“Just okay?” Elaine asked.

“I mean, better than before. I’m not going to lie and say that my life is exactly what I always thought it’d be and that I’m happy. I don’t think true happiness actually exists. It’s just a few moments sprinkled around that come and go.” I said.

“That’s a very nihilistic view of the world.” She said. “Have you always felt like this?”

“It’s not a feeling, more like a fact.” I stated.

“What was your childhood like?” Elaine asked.

“Already going after the parents. At least buy a girl dinner first.” I retorted. Elaine looked at me before clicking her pen and jotting down some notes. “My childhood was not a Disney movie. My dad was not a Mufasa, my mom was not a fairy god mother.”  

“You must be close to your brother if you’re raising his kid for him.” Elaine said.

“I wouldn’t be raising MY son if my brother was the type of person that actually showed up and took responsibility for his actions.” I clarified.

“I feel some resentment there.” She said.

“There’s no resentment. Good riddance. Theo’s a better father than Greg would have ever been.” I said.

“And are you a better mother than your son’s birth mother?” Elaine asked.

“Grace set the bar really low.” I stated. “I’m not perfect but I’m here and I try. That’s half the battle.”

“Alright Hanna, our hour’s almost up and I haven’t figured it out so I’m just going to ask. Why are you here? What are you trying to get out of this?” Elaine asked.

“I need answers.” I said.

“To what question?” Elaine asked confused.

“Still working on the question. Maybe it’s not a question, it’s more of a situation.” I said.

“Could you… elaborate?” Elaine asked gesturing for me to get on with it.

“While I was traveling I met some people that I got close to. Kind of like a group thing and I got pretty close to some of them. There may have been the beginning of a situationship, I mean I’m not sure. According to him it was but it wasn't… and I mean, there was something there but I’m not sure if it was real. Does that make sense?” I asked.

“No but continue.” Elaine said.

“I’m not sure if the things he was feeling were truly his or him just acting on what everyone was expecting of him.” I said.

“And what did you feel?” Elaine asked.

“I don’t know.” I said.

“You said it was a situationship. Meaning there had to have been something going on from both sides.” Elaine said.

“I don’t know what I felt. All of this started right after I tried to end things permanently and it’s been an ongoing thing since and I don’t know. I felt like they were all waiting for me to just snap out of it and go along with it all and I just… ran away.” I said.

“When you say ran away…” Elaine asked.

“To another country. This country.” I said.

“Ah.” She said finally realizing the depth of how unsure I was about the entire thing. “Just going off a couple of observation I think I can see a few things we should work on. For now I’d recommend journaling. Maybe just try to think back to the beginning. Hindsight is 20/20. Try to remember what you were feeling. See if there was anything you would have wanted to do differently.”

“Great.” I said.

“I’ll see you next week.” Elaine said.

The Following Week…

“Tell me about your dating history.” Elaine asked.

“That’s going to be a short conversation. I’ve never been in a relationship.” I asked.

“You’ve never been on a date?” Elaine asked.

“I’ve been on dates but it’s never gone past the first or second date.” I clarified.

“What about Theo? You’re raising your son together.” Elaine said.

“I probably forgot to mention this last session but Theo’s gay. We have never been like that. Like ever.” I said.

“Then how did you become your son’s dad?” Elaine said.

“Life. He was my best friend. We became roommates around the time I took on a more full time role in Jamie’s life and we became a coparenting team.” I said.

“How old were you when this happened?” She asked.

“17 or 18-ish. It was freshman year of college.” I said.

“You willingly took on parenting responsibilities over your nephew at 17?” Elaine asked in disbelief.

“It wasn't like that in the beginning.” I said. “At first it was me babysitting on weekends while Grace worked. Then Grace started spiraling, she’d drop him off and disappear for a few days… or weeks one time it was a few months. Then she just disappeared to work on herself and we didn’t see her for years.”

“And Theo stuck with you through all of that?” Elaine said.

“Theo is a unicorn among men.” I said. I have never doubted how lucky I was to have him in mine and Jamie’s lives.

“How’s Theo’s dating life?” She asked.

“It’s… sporadic?” I said. Theo didn’t really date so much as had flings.

“Has he ever had any long-term relationships?” Elaine asked.

“Uh… not that I’m aware of.” I answered.

“You’re both 27 or close to 28 and neither of you have ever been in a long term relationship?” Elaine said.

“It’s hard to find someone that wants to stick around when you’re raising a kid at 17 and your early 20’s.” I said.

“You found Theo.” Elaine retorted.

“That’s why he’s my best friend.” I said.

“I think you’re missing something very obvious here.” Elaine said. “You and Theo live together. You share finances. You’re raising a kid together. Does that like something to you?”

“We’re a good team.” I answered.

“Hanna with the exception of the usual benefits, it sounds like you’re in a relationship and it sounds like you’re been in a relationship for over 10 years. With Theo.” Elaine said.

I stared at Elaine wondering if she was being serious or trying to get me to loosen up but this Elaine did not joke around which just made me laugh.

“Hahahahaha… Me and Theo? Oh wow… Hahaha.” I breathed out in between laughs. ”That’s… That’s good one.”

“I wasn't joking.” Elaine said.

“Elaine.” I said.

“Dr. Wilson.” She corrected pointing to the diploma.

“Elaine, I’m calling you Elaine because I feel like I know you and I’m working up to baring my soul to you and I can’t bare my soul to Dr. Wilson, but I can to Elaine.” I said.

“Hanna.” Elaine said tapping her watch and urging me to hurry up.

“Elaine. Theo is a great guy but we’re just friends and more importantly, He’s gay.” I said.

“You’ve mentioned that more than once. What I was trying to say is that while you obviously have no romantic feelings towards Theo, maybe you’ve never been interested in exploring more because you have him.” Elaine said.

“No.” I said. “You’re married and haven’t been out there lately but, it is slim pickings. Dating apps are horrible. Most guy’s idea of asking you out is sending a dick pic and it very obvious when they photoshop to make themselves look bigger.”

“You may not have intentionally seen it that way but subconsciously…” Elaine said.

“No.” I said.

“Alright then, so how did you and Theo go from two strangers in a bar to raising a son together?” Elaine said.

“He was having an identity crisis, I was feeling lonely so when he came up to me at the bar and kissed me…” I started.

“What?” Elaine said.

“He wanted to figure out if he was gay or not. There was no romance there. In fact he broke down crying after he did it.” I said.

“And instead of filing assault charges you became parents together?” Elaine asked. “You are the most closed off person I’ve ever met, I’m having a hard time seeing how you go from getting assaulted at a bar to living together and raising a son who I really hope does not take after his father.”

“Okay assault charges… that’s fair and he did apologize profusely. Though part of that may have been for how gross that kiss was. He did not have a lot of practice beforehand and the tongue…” I said. “But he is a great guy and Jamie’s future partner would be damn lucky if he took after Theo.”

“Why Hanna?” Elaine said a bit more forcefully.

“Because…” I said thinking back to that night and what I saw in Theo’s scared eyes back then. “Because when I looked at Theo that day it felt like I was looking in a mirror and I was seeing myself.”

“In what way?” Elaine said before her phone alarm went off.

“Guess we can pick up right there next week.” I said getting up.

“I’ll give you another 5 minutes on the house. Sit.” She said pointing at the chair.

“Is five minutes really going to make a difference?” I retorted.

“Does Theo know that you tried to kill yourself?” Elaine asked.

“Uh… No. It never really came up.” I said. “We have this rule to keep things together/stable for Jamie. We can freak out, we just can’t freak out at the same time. When I went away he held down the fort for Jamie. When I lost my scholarship because I was trying to work 2 jobs while going to school full time and raise a kid he was the one who dropped out to put me through school. He needs this time to just focus on the future he wants. If I unload on him he’s going to want to switch and…”

“You’re a people pleaser. You want to fix everyone else’s problems but you won’t let them return the favor. Something you and Theo obviously have in common.” Elaine said.

“I let Theo…” I started.

“I’m not done yet.” Elaine said. “You also have a habit of running away or avoiding your problems.”

“I’m not avoiding so much as putting them on pause.” I retorted.

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” Elaine said. I really missed hippie Elaine. “If there is anyone in this world that should know that you tried to kill yourself before, it should be your best friend whom you live with, in case you ever start to head in that direction.”

“I’m not doing that again.” I said. For at least another year anyway.

“You say that now but life happens. It’s going to be a tough conversation, a painful one and uncomfortable and there are going to be feelings on both sides but it’s a conversation that needs to happen.” Elaine said. “It’s obvious that there is no one that knows you better than Theo. I’m still playing catch up and this may help you clear things up.”

“We weren’t talking back then.” I said.

“Even more of a reason for you to tell him.” Elaine said. “That’s your homework for the week.”

“How do I even bring it up in a conversation? I was drunk when I told them and I didn’t want to tell them, it just slipped out.” I said.

“Don’t do it drunk.” Elaine said. “See you next week.”

“Great.” I said heading on my way to pick up Jamie from school.

It took me two weeks of missed opportunities and Elaine nagging me before I managed to find a time to talk to Theo. He had been swamped with schoolwork but finally one night that Jamie fell asleep early and we were upstairs having a beer to cool off I got my chance.

“You know we should make the executive decision as the parents in the apartment that an 8:30 bedtime should be the norm.” Theo said.

“It should be until he starts waking up at 5am every morning.” I said.

“Uh… morning people.” He said sipping his beer. “He gets that from you.”

“Not the worst thing he could have gotten from me.” I said.

“I don’t know your super memory could come in handy when it’s time to take the SAT’s.” Theo said.

“Uhuh…” I said. What I would give for that to not happen.

“So how’s work?” Theo asked.

“Oh you know just another day of big pharma ripping off the little guy.” I said. “But keeping the fridge full is nice.”

“That is nice. Also, thanks for the suit. You really didn’t have to.” Theo said.

“That suit will pay for itself once you get your dream job.” I said. “Those heels you splurged on senior year did.”

“Can I just say, I don’t know how you do it.” Theo said. “I mean a full time job, I don’t know how many freelance projects you’re handling right now and then Jamie and holding things down. I only lasted a few months before I imploded.”

“You didn’t implode. Times are tough.” I said.

“That hasn’t stopped you. I know your memory thing is your super power but, how you don’t just survive under pressure but thrive…” Theo said sipping his beer.

“I wouldn’t really call it that.” I said.

“Seriously Han, I know I joke about you being the Robin to my Batman but really you’re Wonder Woman.” Theo said sipping his beer.

“I tried to kill myself two years ago.” I deadpanned making Theo spit out his beer.

“What?” He said. “That isn’t funny.”

“I wasn't trying to be.” I said Theo looked me right in the eyes trying to see if I was joking.

“What the fuck?” Theo said. “How… why would you do something so god damn stupid?!”

“As it turns out, I don’t really thrive under pressure so much as internalize it until I can’t take it anymore and uh two years ago, before we got Jamie back and before we started talking again I got low and I mean really low. I didn’t have anything or anyone. There was no reason to stick around and I just wanted everything to just stop.” I explained. “Obviously it didn’t go the way I wanted it to… which I am very grateful for because once you hit rock bottom there’s really only one way for you to go.”

“What the actually fuck Hanna?!” Theo said. “You’re supposed to be the smart one.”

“Yeah but I’m also the really screwed up one.” I said.

“The last time you started the whose more screwed up contest we blacked out and lost a whole weekend so lets not go there.” Theo said. “Are you okay?”

“I don’t feel like jumping off any roofs at the moment.” I said and Theo gave me an annoyed look. “I’m okay. The whole almost jumping made me realize that, I have a lot of baggage that I’ve been avoiding dealing with most of my life and in the process I've developed some bad habits, some self-depreciating, self-destructive, self-sabotaging.”

“You got all the big selfs.” Theo said.

“I've always been an overachiever.” I said making him laugh before he started crying which in turn made me start crying. “I can’t help myself, it’s a real problem.” I said either laughing or crying. I may have been doing both.

“You do not get to do that ever again.” He said. “I am fucking serious Hanna. I can’t do this without you. You don’t get to die until we’re old and senile and Jamie’s changing our diapers and even then I get to go first.”

“I don’t think we get to pick.” I said.

“I get to go first!” Theo said firmly.

“Old, senile, multiple hip replacements, and you get go first promise.” I said as we linked our pinkies in a pinky promise.

“Was Steve around for… it?” Theo asked. It was the first time in months he had even mentioned Steve.

“Steve came after.” I said. “And we’re not like that.”

“Only because you won’t let it be more.” Theo said.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I said.

“From what I saw…” Theo said.

“You saw him for like 5 seconds.” I deadpanned.

“And in those five seconds I saw that he follows your lead, takes what you’re willing to give and he’s okay with that because he adores you. It was obvious by the way he looked at you. Puppy love at its best.” Theo said.

“Uhuh.” I said before I remembered what Elaine said and started laughing. “You know, my therapist pointed out something really interesting to me the other day.”

“Oh yeah?” Theo asked.

“She said that the reason neither of us has ever been in a long term relationship is because subconsciously we feel like this…” I said gesturing to the two if us. “Is a relationship.”

“Like… us together together?” Theo said crossing his fingers.

“Yeah.” I said.

“She does know I pitch for the other team right?” He said.

“I've told her multiple times.” I answered finishing my beer and grabbing another one.

“Hmmm, I can see that.” Theo said. “It’s been over 11 years. Probably the longest relationship I've ever been in.”

“Same. Eleven years.” I said. “We’re old.”

“You’ve been old since I met you.” Theo retorted.

“Remember you’re one year closer to 30 than I am.” I said.

“Call it a draw Hanna.” Theo said. “Eleven years. You know after 10 years I don’t think best friends is the best way to describe this trainwreck.”

“I prefer hot mess to trainwreck.” I retorted.

“Over eleven years knowing each other, living together, arguing with each other and raising a kid together. That’s more than besties. We’re soulmates.” Theo said making me spit out the beer in my mouth as I started choking.

“No.” I said firmly. “Fuck no.”

“You’re right, that’s too cheesy and overused.” Theo said. Sure that’s why I was objecting. “And this is strictly platonic but above BFFs.”

“You’re stuck with me for life. I mean we have a kid.” I said.

“I got it. Platonic Life Partners.” He said clapping his hands together.

“That’s essentially just BFFs just more… formal.” I said.

“That’s right. You’re my PLP.” Theo said. “PLPs for life.”

“Okay PLP, Lets clean up. Our kid’s going to be up at 5am.” I reminded him.

“Morning people.” Theo scoffed. “Is Steve a morning person?”

“We’re not like that.” I said reading between the lines, knowing what he was really asking. “And even worse than I am. He’s up and out the door for his morning run before 5AM.

“How many times did he wake you up?” Theo teased.

“We’re not like that.” I said following him back inside.

Life went on and things got better. We kept to our routine and staying busy helped but in those quiet moments that were few and far between the chaos, when it was quiet and I was alone and just sat with it all, I couldn’t help but think about them.

October

It was almost Halloween, by this point Hydra would have tried to make their move. Steve would have found Bucky. Maybe this time he would have gotten beaten half to death trying to stop him from destroying the world, snapped him out of it and taken him back to New York… or maybe not New York. December 16^th was still a sore spot for Tony.

Uh, Tony and his freaking gala! I’m pretty sure people were begging for me to be fired at this point.

Thor! Uh… crap I feel like I was supposed to tell him something. Odin is the freaking worst!

“Mom?” Jamie said looking up at me.

“Hey monkey.” I said ruffling his hair. “Good day at school?”

“It was fine.” He said.

“Just fine?” I asked.

“It’s school.” Jamie said with a shrug.

“Sounds about right.” I said.

“Miss Marin!” Mrs. Petersen, Jamie’s teacher said running towards us.

“Did you forget something?” I asked Jamie.

“She probably wants to tell you about that stupid test I took.” Jamie said. “It didn’t make any sense.”

“What test?” I asked Jamie.

“Miss Marin.” She said. “I don’t know if you’ve been getting my messages. I left a few voicemails.”

Who leaves voicemails anymore?

“Uh, I haven’t really had a chance to check. I’m still buried in emails.” I said.

“Well if you have a minute, I think its really important that we talk.” She said.

“Uh sure?” I said looking to Jamie giving him a look and giving him a chance to fess up if there was anything he hadn’t mentioned before. Though I doubt it, the kid was an open book. “Bud, you want to go play on the swings for a bit?”

“Can I borrow your phone?” Jamie asked.

“Sure.” I said handing it to him. “If your dad calls answer and come get me please.”

“Okay.” Jamie said taking a seat on one of the benches outside the classroom as I went inside.

“Did Jamie do something or are the other kids picking on him… Because if he fought back he has every right to.” I said.

“No not at all.” Mrs. Petersen said arching an eyebrow at that last comment. “Your son, he… they are a very bright.”

“He is the right pronoun.” I reassured her.

“Jamie is, my best student, kind and sweet and he gets along great with everyone.” She started. “So polite and respectful for a boy his age but… he’s been falling asleep in class and not really paying attention.”

“He hasn’t been doing his work?” I asked. “We work on his homework together. He even does twice the amount of reading. Voluntarily I might add.”

“No, his work is always done on time and it’s perfect and his reading level is well above the entire class.” She said.

“I’m sorry, I don’t see what the problem is.” I said confused.

“Jamie’s work is always done early and he starts to distract the other kids because he’s bored so we decided to have him evaluated…” Mrs. Petersen said.

“He does not have ADHD or ADD.” I said “We’ve had him tested before.”

We hadn’t but better to shoot that idea down before they tried shoving pills down my 11-year old’s mouth.

“Oh no far from it, we had our school psychologist sit down with Jamie and evaluate him. Just a few cognitive games just to get a baseline and Jamie scored really well. Your son is gifted.” She said.

I didn’t hear a single word she said after that. It was almost as if I was underwater and the room started spinning. Suddenly I was six years old looking at random photos and then recalling every single thing in that photo to a guy holding a stop watch while Greyson and Lillian stood in a corner staring at me like I had grown another head.

“Normally kids like Jamie get evaluated earlier but…” She started.

“Jamie is just a very observant kid. There’s nothing else.” I said.

“Miss Marin, there are resources for parents. We can move Jamie to another school, maybe a magnet school could provide a more rigorous curriculum…” She continued.

“Jamie is fine right where he is. I’ll talk to him about disrupting your class. It won’t happen again.” I said.

“I don’t think you understand, this is not a good fit…” Mrs. Petersen started.

“Don’t sell yourself short, you’re doing great.” I said. “Jamie likes it here, his friends are here and if you think he could use some extra work to keep him distracted, have at it. Thanks for the chat. I’ll see you at the next parent teacher conference.”

“Uh… Maybe you should discuss this with Jamie’s dad?” She insisted.

“No need.” I said. “Theo and I are on the same page on this one. Have a nice night.”

With that I headed out to find Jamie who was probably playing Angry Birds on my phone.

“Am I in trouble?” Jamie asked.

“No, did you do something?” I said taking my phone back.

“No.” Jamie said. “Mrs. Petersen only asks parents to stay if the kids did something.”

“She just wanted to tell me what an awesome kid you’ve been. I think you’re her favorite student, just don’t tell the other kids.” I said. “I’m in the mood for a Vietnamese iced coffee, what do you say?”

“I could go for boba.” Jamie cheered.

“Boba it is.” I said getting him back on his feet. We ordered our drinks and settled into a booth in the corner. “So your teacher told me you played some fun games with a teacher that stopped by.”

“I don’t think they were games. They were kind of boring.” Jamie said with a shrug.

“What were the games?” I asked Jamie.

“He showed me this paper with a picture of a messy room with random things that didn’t look like they should go in there.” Jamie said taking a sip of his boba milk tea.

“Like what?” I asked trying to make myself sound as natural as I possibly could.

“There was a tiger head that had horns, a fish tank with butterflies instead of fish, a dog with a cat’s tail, a guy playing a trumpet like a guitar, the sun and the moon were out at the same time, a guy with extra fingers on one hand, and lady with mis matched socks.” Jamie said by my count, in under 10 seconds.

Oh boy...

“Sounds like a crazy photo.” I said. “Did you notice the man with a puppy we passed by on the corner? Do you remember what color the bandana he was wearing was?”

“Red and white checkers.” Jamie said.

“And what band t-shirts is the store across the street selling?” I said putting my hand on the side of his face to not let him turn and look.

“Queen, Ramones, Jane’s addiction, Black Sabbath and ACDC, There’s also a Rick and Morty one inside.” Jamie said looking right at me.

“Monkey, how many rings is the lady sitting at the table closest to the door wearing on both hands?” I asked as he kept his eyes on me.

“Three on the left and two on the right.” Jamie said not taking his eyes on me.

“Your dad left a book open on the kitchen counter this morning. What was the second red subtitle on the page?” I asked.

“Game Theory in Macroeconomics.” Jamie said without hesitation.

There was no denying it, my kid inherited my dumb super brain. WHY?!

“Mom, you’re being weird.” Jamie said snapping me out of it.

“You know how your dad likes to say that I have a super brain?” I asked.

“Because you remember everything.” Jamie said.

“Yeah, it makes it really easy for me to learn things. I can do it faster than most people. Has that ever happened to you?” I asked.

“Sometimes. School is just really easy.” Jamie said.

“Does that bother you?” I asked.

“It gets boring sometimes.” He said. “I like recess.”

“The candy or the time of day?” I asked.

“Both.” Jamie said with a smirk.

“Well, the thing about our super brain is that it makes us really good at school and then teachers start to give us special attention and more homework.” I said.

“It’s probably going to be easy.” Jamie said.

“Probably but, it also makes other people expect more work from you. They will never leave you alone and if you make a mistake they’ll overreact.” I said.

“That doesn’t sound fun.” He said.

“It’s not, if I’m honest it really sucks.” I said. “You have your entire life to work, right now I just want you to be a kid. You don’t just go to school to learn from books. We learn how to be around people, how to deal with them and those random curveballs life likes to throw at us. Those are things you can’t learn in a book.”

“I understand.” Jamie said.

“That doesn’t mean you should be bored at school or distracting the other kids that are trying to get their work done.” I said.

“I know, I wasn't trying to distract them.” He said.

“How about we make a deal?” I said.

“What deal?” Jamie asked.

“How about instead of distracting the kids or helping them out when you finish early by giving them the answers, you study something fun?” I said.

“Like what?” Jamie asked.

“Whatever you want? You want to borrow your dad’s macroeconomics books?” I offered.

“Ew.” Jamie said.

“Yeah, it wasn't my favorite subject either.” I said. “What do you want to learn about?”

“Mhmm, Robots and space.” He said.

“Robots and space? Alright how about I get you some books and worksheets about robots and outer space for you to work on when you finish early at school but you have to promise me no more distracting the other kids and this deal stays between you and me.” I said.

“What about Dad?” Jamie asked.

“If your dad needs to know I’ll tell him but until then this is our secret. Deal?” I said offering him my hand.

“Deal.” Jamie said shaking my hand.

November

Two Weeks Later…

Jamie’s teacher asked the principal to ask me to come in for another meeting. For some reason they thought that maybe I didn’t understand what they were telling me so they brought in a specialist from the district to explain it all to me.

“Is a photographic memory inherited?” I asked Elaine during our session.

“Uh, I’m not sure.” She asked. “Why do you ask?”

“Jamie’s teacher had him evaluated by the school psychologist because he kept falling asleep in class. His scores were off the charts and now she is calling me nonstop about maybe moving Jamie up a grade or moving him to a magnet school. They do not pay her enough for her to be trying this hard.” I said.

“And you don’t agree with her?” Elaine asked.

“Oh no, Jamie is exactly as smart as everyone says he is. What I don’t agree with is formally labeling him as gifted.” I said.

“Why not? This could open up so many opportunities for him. Scholarships for college…” Elaine started.

“And what you are doing right now is exactly my problem.” I said interrupting him. “You and his teacher, the principal and even the school psychologist you’re so busy imagining what he could be instead of seeing who he is right now.”

“Gifted children that aren’t challenged can grow up feeling detached, feeling misunderstood, anxious, depressed.” Elaine said.

“And most gifted children end up very closed off, unable to relate to their peers, they don’t really develop social skills and grow up to be anxious, depressed and emotionally stunted.” I said.

“Don’t you think you’re being dramatic?” Elaine said.

“Remind me again, how much do you get paid an hour to help me sort out my thoughts and feelings about the world around me?” I retorted.

Elaine stared at me before clicking her pen and making notes.

“I can smell the not so silent judgement from here.” I said.

“What was it like when your teacher first had you evaluated? How old were you?” She asked.

“Younger than Jamie, I was four.” I said. “My kindergarten teacher caught me reading The Wizard of Oz. She thought I was just looking at the pictures instead of practicing writing my letters. I told her I was reading and she didn’t believe me so she made me read a paragraph in front of the whole class. I did and kept reading even after she took the book away.”

“That must’ve been a surprise.” She said.

“Probably not what she was expecting from the first class she taught out of college. In hindsight I should have kept my mouth shut.” I said.

“How did your parents take the news?” Elaine asked.

“At first they didn’t really believe my teacher, or the principal, or the school counselor. Eventually my teacher decided to take matters into her own hands and came to the house and did the same tests in front of them. For some people, seeing is believing.” I said. “They bought into everything they told them. That I was destined for great things. That I could do so much more. That I was the answer to all of their problems.”

“That’s a lot to put on a kid.” Elaine said.

“Nothing compared to the time my dad took me to a casino so I could count cards for him because he lost his job.” I said.

“Dirtbag Dad?” Elaine asked.

“Dirtbag Dad.” I confirmed.

“What does Theo think about keeping Jamie out of the gifted class?” Elaine asked.

“This is my call.” I said.

“Does he agree with you?” Elaine said and I stayed quiet. “Does he know about any of this?”

“This is nothing he needs to worry about. This is my call.” I said.

“Jamie is his son too.” Elaine said.

“He doesn’t need to know and I’m handling Jamie.” I said.

“Do you get the feeling at all that you’re falling into a very familiar pattern?” Elaine said.

“I can see how it may seem this way, but having personally lived through the alternative myself i’m okay with that.” I said.

“I’m sure Theo will see it that way.” Elaine replied.

“This is a hill I am willing to die on Elaine.” I said. “The people who need to know, know.”

“I’m sure your 11-year-old son knows how to keep a secret.” She snarked.

“Haven’t you heard? He’s very smart for his age.” I retorted.

“You’ve very snarky today.” Elaine asked. “Do you want to tell me what’s really on your mind?”

“I’m fine.” I said.

“Uhuh.” She said not buying it in the slightest. “You’ve mentioned you dad but what about you mom…”

“So I’ve been thinking about them a lot lately.” I said.

“Them as in…” Elaine started.

“Steve, Tony, Bruce… all of them.” I said.

“Have you thought about calling them or just sending an email?” She asked.

“They’re don’t really have cell reception, or Wifi.” I said.

“Hanna, it’s okay to miss them.” Elaine said. “It just means you care which is progress.”

“Don’t say it like that.” I said.

“Like what?” She said.

“Like there’s a second meaning to what I said.” I said. “There’s no ulterior motive.”

“I didn’t mean it like that but why do you think there would be an ulterior motive?” Elaine said clicking her pen again. I hate that freaking pen.

“No reason.” I said.

“Were your parents affectionate?” Elaine said.

“That is the last word I would ever use to describe them.” I answered picking my nails and bouncing my knee. Why couldn’t that timer ring already?

“How often do you tell Jamie you love him?” Elaine asked.

“The normal amount of times.” I snarked back. “I really don’t see what this has to do with anything.”

“I’m trying to see if you being in denial over your feelings for Steve, Tony, and… also applies to those around you.” Elaine said.

“Actions are louder than words.” I said.

“And what do their actions say to you?” Elaine asked.

Thankfully the damn timer finally rang saving me from having to give an answer.

“Food for thought.” Elaine said. “I’ll see you next week.”

“See you next week.” I said.

December

“Let’s talk about your mom and dad.” Elaine said.

“Let’s not.” I said.

“We’ve been tip toeing around the subject for months. You can’t avoid it forever Hanna.” Elaine said.

“You know we’re like a week away from Christmas. Can’t we talk about that instead?” I said.

“Fine, how did you celebrate the holidays as a kid?” Elaine said with a smirk.

“As a kid I would spend the holiday’s scrapping my dinner off the kitchen wall after my parents had a fight and my dad somehow always ended up throw just my plate at her but missing her completely. Eighteen years and not once did he land a hit.” I said. “After that I would hide under my bed and wait for them to pass out or leave before they found some way to blame me for it. Good times.”

“And how do you celebrate the holidays with Jamie?” Elaine said.

“Theo and I keep it small, mostly because we’re always broke. I did splurge my Christmas Bonus on a Nintendo Switch and Mario Kart this year. It’s a gift for all of us. The GameCube finally crapped out so it’s been really hard to find a good replacement tie breaker.” I said.

“We have dinner, not a turkey. Theo didn’t grow up eating turkey and he doesn’t like how dry it is and now that I think of it, my turkey always ended up on the floor so I didn’t grow up eating turkey either. Normally we grab a rotisserie chicken from Costco, and desserts from Porto’s. We make our favorite sides ourselves. Mashed potatoes, mac and cheese, glazed string beans, braised carrots, and one new recipe we find either on Instagram or TikTok. We get in our ugly sweaters, eat, play board games, eat some more.” I finished. “Watch the Nightmare before Christmas because we don’t care what anyone says, it’s also a Christmas movie.”

“It sounds really nice. You broke the cycle.” Elaine said.

“Theo and I may argue but we never throw things at each other.” I said.

“Did your parents fight a lot?” She asked.

“If fighting was an Olympic Sport they’d have more medals than Simone Biles.” I retorted.

“I can see how that would leave a really bad taste in your mouth. No one wants a relationship like that.” Elaine said.

“I’m all for blaming my parents but is this really helping?” I asked.

“Parents and the relationship they have with one another is the subconsciously the template that for better or worse we tend to base our future romantic relationships on.” Elaine said.

I started thinking back to how I saw my parents interact with one another and separately what they were like and trying to think if any of them matched them. Thor smashing mugs on the floor when he really liked food, Dad throwing plates at the wall. Bruce was very quiet and polite. Hulk Smashed, a lot. And then I imagined Tony who loved cars but in the mash up I was imagining I almost kissed…

“Ugh…” I said gagging. “Take it back… Take it back!”

“Not like that.” Elaine said.

“I’d hope not. Ugh…” I said. “Can my Christmas present from you be that we never speak of this again?”

“That’s not how this works Hanna.” She said. “You can’t break the cycle of avoidance by avoiding things.”

Then I was saved by the timer.

“Oh look at that. Time’s up, Happy Holidays, see you next year.” I said.

“Hold it.” Elaine said. “You have homework.”

I can’t believe I paid this woman an hourly rate to torture me.

“I want you to write them a letter.” Elaine said.

“I don’t speak to my parents.” I reminded her.

“Not them.” Elaine said. “Steve, Tony, Clint, Natasha, Bruce and Thor. I want you to write them a letter telling them how you’re feeling. You don’t have to send it, I don’t expect you to but if you send it, it’ll get you extra credit.”

“Do you want to see the letter?” I said.

“No, but I’ll know if you did send it.” She said with a grin.

“Alright then.” I said getting up and to pick up Jamie for a ditch day. It felt like a good day for a ditch day. Plus it was the last day of school before winter break. He wasn't going to miss anything big.

Christmas Eve…

Our time-honored tradition of eating ourselves into a food coma was a success. Jamie knocked out early leaving Theo and I with hours of prime time HBO, courtesy of our free 7-day trial.

“I’ve got the snacks, the drinks, the special gummies, show me the dragons.” Theo said.

“Wait before you begin,“ I said asleep the bedroom door open just a bit to make sure Jamie was actually asleep. “Jamie, do you want to play with your new switch?”

There was no answer with the exception of a soft snore.

“And we’re clear.” I said jumping onto the couch.

“Margarita.” Theo said handing me one.

“Thank you.” I said. “Cheers to another Happy Christmas.”

“Cheers to a Holiday dinner where we didn’t burn anything.” Theo said clinking his glass. “Mhmm, that Costco membership pays for itself.”

“Cheers to a holiday dinner where I actually got to eat something.” I said turning on the TV.

We got about four episodes in before we got into one of our talks.

“How much incest can one guy come up with?” Theo said.

“Cersei and Jaime Lannister have nothing on these guys.” I said. “They’re really going to screw up their kids.”

“If they didn’t screw up their kids they wouldn’t have gotten a second season.” He reminded me.

“True. Do you think… you know what, forget it.” I said.

“What?” Theo said.

“No it’s really stupid and I can’t believe House of the Dragon made me think of it.” I said.

“It’s another therapy revelation isn’t it. What did Elaine say that freaked you out this time?” Theo said.

“It’s crap.” I said.

“Spill the tea.” Theo said.

“You think the reason all of our relationships end up being so dysfunctional are because of our parents?” I asked.

“Yeah, it is most definitely all their faults.” Theo said without any hesitation. “You don’t need a Ph.D in Psychology to know that.”

“Okay here’s part 2, our parents are the template for the romantic relationships we try to have as adults.” I said.

“As in, we all end up dating or marrying our parents?” Theo said wrinkling his nose. “I understand why this show made you think of that. Ugh, I really don’t want to think about my mom or dad when I’m trying to get lucky.”

“You think I screw up any relationship I try to be in because I grew up not seeing a functional relationship?” I asked.

“That could be part of it. I narrowed it down to the big 3 ways our parents screwed us up.” Theo said.

“What are the big three ways they screwed us up?” I asked.

“One, the way we could never be exactly what they wanted us to be. You not living up to their version of what your potential could be, my parents being raging religious homophobes who couldn’t fix me no matter how hard they tried and boy did they try.” Theo said. “Two the verbal and physical abuse which was their shitty coping mechanisms for dealing with their shitty lives when booze wasn't enough.”

“At least your dad was a high functioning alcoholic, mine was just an alcoholic.” I said. “And I think you just took the fun out of this margarita.”

“And then there’s the big one.” Theo said.

“Which is?” I said.

“You know which one.” Theo said. “The one we don’t talk about.”

“I’ll talk about mine when you talk about yours.” I retorted and chugging down my margarita.

“I’m nowhere near drunk enough to talk about that.” Theo said reaching behind the couch to grab the open tequila bottle. “Good thing we stocked up on the essentials.”

“I think I’m going to need something stronger than that if we’re going there.” I said reaching into Theo’s book bag to pull out the special gummies.

Many, Many Gummies and Margaritas Later…

“They chose that asshole over their own kid.” Theo said.

“My mom made me hug and apologize to that creep for telling the truth.” I said. “Then she said if he had done it, then I probably deserved it.”

“At least your guy…” Theo started.

“Don’t call him my guy.” I spat out.

“That monster got what was coming to him. You know he will never hurt anyone ever again. My parents still have that jackass over for dinner every Sunday.” Theo said.

“How do you know they have him over ever weekend?” I asked confused.

“I found his Facebook profile.” Theo said. “They went on a group trip to Cabo.”

“Oh honey, you can’t do that to yourself.” I said.

“What if he’s doing to someone else what he did to me?” Theo said.

“He doesn’t deserve to have you waste a second of you thinking about him.” I said. “They don’t get to have any hold over us.”

“Yet here we are, drunk and high on Christmas Eve.” Theo slurred. “I’m not in favor of the death penalty but if I was, people like them should be at the top of the list.”

“No, they’d be getting off way too easy. They deserve to suffer.” I said.

January

It was the first week of the New Year and Elaine was not saying anything. Not even hello, happy new year or, her all time favorite phrase ‘Let’s pick up where we left off.’

No not a peep out of her as she sat in her chair with her legs crossed, note pad on her lap and pen in her hand. She just watched me.

“Fine I didn’t write the letter. Not for lack of trying, just lack of time.” I said.

“Hanna.” Elaine started.

“I am going to write it. I just got busy over break. We took Jamie to Big Bear so he could see snow and learn to hate it and with both of them in the apartment it was hard to get alone time to do my homework but I have a scheduled window to write the damn letter.” I said.

“Okay.” Elaine said. “Or you could do it now?”

“I’ll wait until later.” I said.

“Suit yourself.” She said. “Let’s pick up where we left off.”

One more hour trying to see if I have daddy issues and I was on my way home. It was the beginning of the year so work was slow. I had wrapped up a few side projects and had a couple of freelance jobs that were coming together but for now I just needed to enjoy the calm.

“Alright.” I said sitting down on the floor with my legs crossed, a pen in my hand waiting for the words to come out. First thing first, who was I going to write this letter out to.

Thor, I feel like telling him his dad killed me for some reason I can’t remember would not make a good letter or bring me any closure.

Natasha, still a bit annoyed she put a tracker in my suitcase when I moved out.

Bruce, uh, he’s a freaking sweetheart. If I explained to him why I didn’t come back right away he’d understand. I’d still feel guilty though. He’s too good to me.

Clint, I have a feeling he’d be mad at me for some reason. I’m getting this feeling that we have some unfinished business but for the life of me I can’t remember.

Tony… Tony was… I don’t even have the words to begin to try to explain to myself what’s going on there or how we left things.

Steve, has walked a mile in my shoes for a year. I hate to admit it but out of all of them he probably knows me better than the rest of them. He’d probably appreciate a letter more than the rest of them. Though the last time I saw him I slammed a door in his face. I can’t remember why I did that. This memory this is really starting to become a problem.

Steve it is.

Dear Steve,

It’s been six months since I landed back in my world. You’ll be happy to hear that we finally got a repair man to come in to look at the washing machine that was making that really loud screeching sound that kept you up. By trying to fix it they somehow made it worse.

Theo and I are back on co-parenting duty and it’s almost as if no time has passed. I finally got the chance to return the favor and am happy to report that Theo is one semester away from getting his finance degree. I went back to my old job and am doing some freelance work on the side. I still hate it but, Theo and Jamie are worth it. I know my timing could have been better but I really wasn't trying to leave. I would have happily stayed in New York, even if the pizza is overrated.

By now Hydra should have made their move and you would have run into Bucky. If you got him to stay don’t worry Tony will come around if he hasn’t already. If he ran away, I know where he’ll be but maybe it’s better you gave him some space. He’s had over 70 years of people making decisions for him I think he needs some time and space to sort himself out. Speaking from firsthand experience it does help.

I’ve had some time over the past six months to do some work on myself and to think about everything. It’s been slow going but it’s going. As easy as it is for me to look after everyone else I really don’t have a handle on my own issues. I think I've been in denial about a lot of things for a long time. I wish I could say that I have it all figured out now but I’m not even close. I’m going to keep trying because things have to get better eventually. I think the odds are in my favor this time around. The Elaine of this universe is just as good as her more relaxed counterpart, very tenacious and at times a bit of a bitch (yes I know language!) but in a good way.

You’re not going to like this but I’m still on the rocks about the s-word thing. It’s a bit hard to bring up to your therapist in a universe where it’s not a real thing. After all this time I wish I had a better answer for you but nothing at the moment. All I can say right now is that I miss you all.

I almost started rewatching the movies because I missed you, but then I realized I'd have to see you all get hurt or almost die and that would not sit well with me. Also I know he’s your best friend and that he’s brainwashed but you better have landed at least a hit or two. Maybe a bit of Cognitive Recalibration was what he needed? You can fill me in later.

I will be back, no pun intended. After Theo’s done with school and is settled into a good job, I’ll find a nice roof to jump off of. Hopefully I can get back in few tries and not wake up in a morgue again. It takes forever to get rid of the smell of formaldehyde. I don’t know if I've mentioned this before but dying really sucks, let’s hope I don’t have to do it again anytime soon.

I know I don’t have to ask, but look out for the others and for yourself. Being a super soldier doesn’t make you indestructible.

Say hi to Sam for me, Bucky is going to love having him around!

See you soon,

Hanna

I really hope he didn’t get beaten to pulp, or shot. I know Bucky was brainwashed but damn, Steve took a beating in that movie.

February

Writing letters turned into something I did one a more regular basis. It was easier to be honest with all of them when I didn’t have to actually talk to them.

So there I was on Valentine’s day at home sipping wine out of a red solo cup that I got on sale at the grocery store as Theo got ready for his date and Jamie got ready for his date.

That’s right, my 11 year old son had a date for Valentine’s day while I didn’t.

It was okay though. It was good to finally have some me time.

Just me and a letter.

“You sure you don’t want to come with?” Theo said for the third time.

“I’m not crashing your date. You might get lucky.” I said.

“Lucky how?” Jamie asked.

“Lucky that I don’t get cooties.” Theo said. “It’s Valentine’s days, cooties are everywhere.”

“Cooties aren’t real.” Jamie said.

“But germs are.” I said.

“Covid is very real.” Theo added. “It’s on the rise again.”

“I forgot my mask.” Jamie said running to grab it.

“Oh, yeah. All that kid will be doing is watching a movie and eating popcorn.” Theo said.

“Nice job dad.” I said eying him up and down. “Those are the shoes you’re going with?”

“What’s wrong with the shoes?” he asked starting to second guess his outfit.

“They clash with jacket.” I said. “Wear the dressy sneakers. It’s casual but still put together.”

“Dressy sneakers.” Theo said. “Where did I leave them?”

“Bathroom.” I said.

“Bathroom.” Theo said rushing around. “So, you going to call Steve?”

“No, I’m just going to have a quiet night in, get a head start on some of my work.” I said.

“I feel like a quiet night in is all you do now.” He said.

“Quiet is the last word I’d use to describe us.” I said.

Once I was alone I got my pen and paper and started writing.

Hey you,

I’m not entirely sure what you’re up to right now. Probably working on launching one of your suits into space. Love the name you picked out. I never thought Bruce would be an Archie fan.

I hope you haven’t been too lonely or locked in your lab this whole time. I hear Steve lost his shield in Potomac. Maybe you could pick up fishing and help him get it back. I don’t know if you know this but he’s very attached to that shield. He didn’t let it go for 70 years.

Life here is.. it’s going. Nothing as interesting as to what I’m sure you’ve all been dealing with.

It’s Valentine’s day and Theo and Jamie have dates. Yes, my 11 year old son has a date and I don’t. Not sure how to take that news, he is concerned about cooties so he’s going to mask up because protection is important. I don’t think there’s going to be a second date but we’ll see.

You know I've never seen the appeal of Valentine’s day. I’m fairly sure I’ve mentioned it before. I mean red roses, cliché. A flying baby in diapers, the only thing I can think of when I see it are all the diaper changing mishaps that could happen. I will say though chocolate candy being on sale the day after valentine’s day is like Halloween in February. Not all candy is equal though, coconut and cherry liquor do not belong on chocolate. It should be illegal for candy companies to sneak in so many of those in heart shaped boxes.

I’m ranting I know, guess I’m trying to find a good segway to bring up the not date we had way back when. I keep going over it in my head. It’s embarrassing to admit that it may have kept me up a couple of nights. It meant something. Not entirely sure what but… it’s something.

I think Elaine would classify this as a breakthrough. Oh yeah I've been seeing Elaine again. My world’s Elaine is not the warm and fuzzy grandma she is in your world.

Your world, my world… I’m not sure if I could even keep saying that. With the exception of Jamie and Theo, I've never really fit in here. I crash landed in your world and made a mess of things and then I kept falling into other worlds. I do never seem to be able to stay put. Maybe it’s the universe’s way of saying I’m not meant to be there. It would make sense if it were true.

I’ve been running in circles trying to figure it out and I've got nothing to show for it. Yeah therapy and my trip to find the answer to all answers got me nothing except thrown over a cliff.

I’m still a mess, but I’m a mess that misses you. I guess that’s all I really wanted to say.

The Reason you’re going to go grey early,

Hanna

March

It was my last session before Theo’s spring break. We had decided to take a road trip to the Grand Canyon and go through Las Vegas on the way back. Here’s hoping Pikachu didn’t leave us stranded in the middle of nowhere.

“Why do you hate them so much?” Elaine said.

“They weren’t good parents.” I said.

“Lots of people have bad parents and still love them.” Elaine said. “It is biologically ingrained into every person to love the people that raised us protected us and turned us into the person we grow up to be.”

“You mean the people that brought me into the world and constantly reminded me that I wasn't planned wanted or hadn’t done enough to earn anything out of them.” I retorted.

“You seem to hold more anger towards your mother than your father even though he seemed to be the source of the majority of the abuse.” Elaine said.

“Who was it that said that there was a special place in hell for women who don’t help other women?” I asked.

“Madeline Albright.” Elaine said.

“Lillian Marin probably inspired that quote.” I said.

“The relationship between mother and daughters is complicated in all women.” Elaine said.

“What was your relationship with your mom like?” I said.

“She was my best friend.” Elaine said.

“Lucky you.” I retorted.

“No matter how complicated the relationship is between a mother and a daughter the universal rule of being a parent is that your kid comes before everything. It is your job and life’s mission until they are least old enough to look after themselves to keep them safe. Right?” I said.

“Of course.” Elaine said.

“Alright then so say your 10 year old daughter comes to you one day and tells you that someone hurt her in the worst possible way you could hurt a girl. The person who hurt her is your favorite little brother who is staying in your home while he gets back on his feet and when she tells you what happened would you believe her?” Elaine asked.

“Hanna…” Elaine said.

“And it’s not like there isn’t proof. She has proof. You just refuse to see it and you tell her to stop making things up so your daughter tells everyone she possibly could that would listen until finally someone actually does something. They come knocking on your door and you make her tell everyone that I were lying, begging for attention because I’m supposedly jealous that Greg is getting so much more attention than me because his stupid baseball team is going to the state championships, and he’s probably going to get scouted by a better school than I will ever get into even though he’s a bench warmer! You slap me, pull my hair, and threaten to ship me off to Montana where the child molester got a job if I don’t fess up to my lies and then at my absolute lowest you make me, Infront of everyone, apologize and hug that monster.” I said wiping my face.

“And then months later, after you think I’ve forgotten all about it you causally say how stupid I was to misunderstand what really happened and even if it had happened the way I said it did, I probably deserved it. A ten year old girl deserved it. So yeah, Elaine. There is a very special place in hell for that bitch and my dad is an ass, but he’s her hell on Earth. That’s the only reason I don’t resent him as much.” I finished.

“You’ve…” Elaine stopped for a minute and cleared to her throat. “You’ve been holding back a lot.”

“I told you I really didn’t want to talk about them.” I said.

“Understandable.” She said. “I think, maybe we both may need to call this an early day.”

“That sounds nice. I’ll uh… see you next week.” Is aid.

“Safe trip.” Elaine said turning to look out the window.

April

“Theo.” Elaine said.

“Platonic Life Partner.” I said. Elaine wanted to play a word association game to see if I’d let my guard down without making it seem like I’m letting my guard down. We’d actually have some very productive sessions after spring break.

“That’s not one word.” She said.

“There isn’t just one word to describe what Theo is to me.” I said.

“When you first met him…” Elaine said.

“You mean when you think I should have files an assault charge on him?” I teased.

“You said looking at Theo was like looking in a mirror.” She said. “If anyone else had come up to you that night, would you have heard them out?”

“No I would have gotten them kicked out of the bar.” I said.

“But you didn’t. Why?” Elaine asked.

“Because he was scared and alone, desperate.” I answered. “I was a bit lonely.”

“What did you feel when you were talking to him for the first time?” She said.

“It was nice, safe.” I said.

“Safe?” Elaine asked with a grin.

“This complete stranger was pouring out his heart and just needed a safe space to work through becoming who he truly was.” I said.

“And you felt safe with him?” Elaine asked.

“Yes, I always feel safe with Theo. Even when we’re arguing and biting each other’s heads off it’s always because we care about each other.” I said.

“And how did you feel the first time you met Tony?” Elaine said. “Did you feel safe with him?”

“Yes.” I said without even thinking about him.

“Steve?” Elaine said.

“Yes.” I said.

“The rest of them?” Elaine asked.

“Yes I have always felt safe with them.” I said.

“You have never really trusted anyone except Theo before them but you immediately felt safe with them, what does that tell you?” Elaine said.

“That I trust them and that no matter how hard I make it for them, or how bitchy I can be I know they will always be there for me because they care about me.” I said.

“Does that answer your question?” Elaine said.

“It doesn’t make any sense though.” I said.

“Does it make any sense that an eighteen year old kid that just came of the closet to a complete stranger decided to stick around to raise a kid with her?” Elaine said.

“When you put it like that you make Theo sound insane.” I said.

“Love makes people do crazy things.” Elaine said as the timer went off. “And that in of itself explains it all.”

“Huh…” I said realizing that while that statement logically made absolutely no sense, it actually did answer most of the big question I had been trying to answer all year. “Did we just have a breakthrough?”

“You tell me?” Elaine said with a smirk.

May

“Wow, you are banging.”

Those were the words my best friend greeted me after getting home from the salon. My hair needed a trim and while I was there I thought I could use a change. My hair stylist and I started talking about which of Taylor Swift’s eras were our favorite and he ended up talking me into getting bangs.

“Yeah, I asked for a trim or something new that could keep my length and uh… yeah.” I said. “Is it bad?”

“No,” Theo said. “You look really good. It really goes with the mom aesthetic.”

“Mom Aesthetic?” I said.

“Cropped jeans, tank top and cardigan, you drive our kid to soccer practice in a Subaru…” he said.

Oh crap, I went full on soccer mom and I didn’t even realize it.

“What’s all this?” I asked looking at all the things Theo had pulled out.

“Packing. We’re in the ome stretch.” Theo said packing his backpack with everything he could possibly need to survive finals week. He and his study group had teamed up to reserve a private room the university library. They were all planning on camping out there for their last finals week. “This is our dry run people. Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.”

“You’re going to the library not a war zone.” I said.

“The curve is not always in my favor Hanna.” Theo retorted.

“Sweetie, breathe.” I said gently rubbing his back.

“No, this isn’t the time to breathe. This is crunch time.” Theo said grabbing the box of protein bars he snagged from Costco. “Now how am I going to carry all the red bulls?”

“You’re not.” I said grabbing my purse and handing him a Starbucks gift card. “This is loaded with enough cash for you to buy yourself and everyone coffee for the week and yes I know you’re against Big Coffee but there is a Starbucks right across the library so it’s more efficient for you to go there. Don’t forget deodorant and your toothbrush, a whore’s bath in the library restroom can only get you so far.” I teased.

“I was actually going to use the gym showers. Are you and Jamie going to be okay for a week?” Theo asked.

“Of course, he is a bit bummed you’re going to miss out on the first week of soccer practice considering it was your idea but we’ll pull through.” I said.

“I just…” Theo sighed. “Can you believe it’s almost been a year and that I’m almost done?”

“It’s only been a year?” I retorted. “Really I hadn’t noticed.”

 “You’re my freaking hero.” Theo said hugging me.

“This is what family does for each other.” I said. “You’ve done the same for me.”

“Yeah but, I never did it as well as you do.” He said. “Have you thought about what comes next?”

“What comes next is you graduate, land the job of your dreams and we keep going like we always do.” I said.

“That’s not what I meant.” Theo said. “Steve.”

“That’s a little more complicated.” I said.

“It’s only complicated if you make it complicated.” Theo said.

“Uh, no it’s actually really complicated.” I said. “There are some things I haven’t told you.”

“Like?” Theo said.

“You remember my friend from Bali, you know the one that was kind of a thing with like six different people and they all knew about it and were like totally cool with it?”

“Friend in the poly relationship?” Theo said.

“That’s the one.” I confirmed.

“Your friend that is actually you? Yeah I remember.” Theo said not at all bothered.

“Wait you knew?” I said surprised.

“Of course I knew. I’m your platonic life partner. Your person. I know you better than anyone in the world.” Theo scoffed. “Also, it’s a universal fact that if you start a story with I have a friend, dot, dot, dot, the story is really about you.”

“You asshole, I’ve been carrying this thing around thinking you were going to freak out and you knew this entire time?” I said.

“Why would you finally meeting a guy or I guess I should say 6 guys freak me out? Honestly I was a little worried about you ending up a crazy cat lady but this, I’m so fucking proud of you.” Theo said. “From the bottom of my heart. So happy.”

“Actually it’s five guys and a… Natalia.” I said.

“What?” Theo said. “You mean… Like…”

“You heard right.” I said saying it out loud for the first time.

“Oh, my, AHHH!” Theo shouted jumping up and down. “Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh!”

“Calm down.” I said.

“I… I… Ah! I think I might cry.” Theo said tearing up.

“Theo don’t cry.” I said.

“Han,” Theo said sitting down, putting a hand on my shoulder and his other on his hands. “Honey, you are exactly who you were always meant to be and don’t ever be ashamed to be who you truly are.”

“That was… so freaking corny.” I said laughing.

“I know.” Theo said laughing. “I couldn’t help myself. Don’t get me wrong it is completely true and I really needed to hear that when you said it to me that night but in hind sight…”

“Hard to believe I was ever that corny.” I said.

“You have your moments.” Theo said. “You came out to me, and right in time for pride. I need to get you a flag.”

“How about we get you through graduation first?” I retorted.

“So, what happened with them? Did you… you know.” He asked.

“It didn’t move any further than a situationship.” I said.

“In baseball terms?” Theo asked.

“Didn’t even step up to bat.” I answered.

“Oh… Why?” he asked.

“So many reasons starting with have you met me? I’m a mess, I wasn't really in the right place to start anything. I think they just had this idea of how they expected things to be and I am never going to be that and… I mean how would it even work?” I said.

“All I’m hearing are excuses.” Theo said.

“It wouldn’t work.” I said.

“How do you know if you don’t give them a chance?” He asked.

“It’s not that simple.” I answered.

“Nothing worth doing is ever easy.” Theo said. “I don’t know all of them, I don’t really know Steve other than him crashing my coffee date with myself to ask for help handling you and that one awkward dinner before you guys left to… somewhere. What I do know is that life is hard and unfair and that is more true for both of us than it is for most people but if somewhere in all this crap you can find someone or multiple someones that help make this shit bearable then you hold onto them with everything you’ve got and everything else you can figure out later.”

“I wish I could do that.” I said.

“You can, you just have to give yourself permission to be happy.” Theo said.

June

“Theo Adrian Castillo.” The commencement speaker said as Theo walked across the stage at graduation.

“WHOOOO!!!!” Jamie and I cheered louder than anyone else in the audience.

“That’s my dad!” Jamie said when the people sitting next to us gave him a dirty look.

“Theo’s officially a graduate now.” Elaine said as I showed her all of the graduation photos I took. I took so many I had to pay for extra iCloud Storage.

“Yeah, oh here’s another. He couldn’t figure out how to pop open the champagne bottle.” I said.

“Congratulate him for me.” She said handing me back my phone. “So what happens now?”

“He still has another 2 weeks left on his internship. He’s really hoping he gets one of the open spots but either way he’s got a couple of other interviews lines up...” I started.

“That’s not what I meant.” Elaine said. “You said you were sticking around for a year. It’s been a year. What is next for you Hanna?”

“Uh… well. I miss them and I didn’t really leave things off in the best way.” I said. “What if they finally listened to me and realized I’m not worth it? They could do so much better than me.”

“From what you’ve told me they are equally if not more stubborn than you are. I think that if they really cared about you the way they said they did, that after all this time, they’ll just be really happy to see you.” Elaine said. “Take it slow and be open to giving yourself a chance to be happy. You deserve to be happy Hanna.”

“Cross your fingers for me.” I said as the timer rang. I got up and as I was walking out I turned around. “Uh I don’t usually do this but…”

I walked around the coffee table and hugged Elaine.

“Oh…” She said returning the hug. “I wasn't expecting this.”

“Yeah, this is weird.” I answered still hugging her.

“A bit dear, but it’s a good weird.” Elaine said as I let her go. “My door is always open if you need me.”

“What you’re not sick of me?” I said.

“I just put a down payment on a beach house.” Elaine said making me laugh.

“At least I’m not your worst patient.” I teased.

“Don’t forget to pick up Jamie from soccer practice.” She called out.

“It was one time.” I called out over my shoulder.

It was the end of the fiscal year and things were crazy busy at work. My boss had been calling me nonstop and today was not an exception. We were going over numbers for next year’s budget as I drove to pick up Jamie. I parked and continued the call as I got out of the car.

I always hated people that were so glued to their phone, they never watched where they were going. Especially when they crossed the street.

“Mom!” Jamie cheered as I waved at him while I continued talking to my boss on the phone while I crossed the street.

“Look out!” Someone shouted but it was too late.

I only saw the bus out of the cover of my eye before it rammed into me. I felt my head crack as it hit the pavement.

“MOM!!!!” Jamie cried out. People ran over as everything went dark.

What a way to end the year.

I started falling down that very familiar deep pit. I had not missed this place and I’m pretty sure I hit the bottom harder than I ever had before.

“Ow…” I groaned getting up. It was just as dark and wet as it always was. The water dripping onto the floor echoing loudy throughout the room.

Click click click…

I heard something move in the darkness. It’s footsteps splashing water as they moved.

“Hanna…” the voice said.

“Who said that?” I said looking around.

“Hanna.” It said again taunting me.

“How do you know my name?” I asked as I heard something move again.

“Because that’s always your name.” It said.

Click Click click…

“Okay, I’m just gonna…” I said taking a step back and looking up waiting for whatever it was that pulled me back to the land of the living.

“Don’t go Hanna…” The voice said from behind me. I turned around but whatever it was scurried away before I could see it. “Who am I going to play with if you leave?”

Suddenly I felt something wrap around my ankle and before it yanked me hard enough to fall flat on my face before ragging me into the darkness as I screamed.