Chapter 38
The Red Room had a point when they taught Black Widows how to not get attached to anything. Getting attached only leads to inevitable vulnerability that could be turned against them.
When Yelena had decided to indulge Nour because she wished for the woman to find some sort of peace on her last days on earth before she killed her, Yelena had unwillingly opened herself up for something she had sought out but resisted.
Nour’s maternal affection was suffocating and overwhelming but Yelena couldn’t help but want more of it. She didn’t care if she had to play the part of a dead child to get it. The constant gentle praise had been enough for Yelena to drown in and she let herself.
Nour was a mother mourning her child and Yelena was a child without a mother. Well, she wasn’t actually a child but her body was one. Stupid teenage hormones had her angry at her death.
She knew that she had no right, she was going to kill Nour anyway. But Yelena had plans to not make it hurt, a quick and painless end for Nour, hopes of the woman reuniting with Safiyah. Apep had taken the choice from Yelena, he hadn’t let her use Nour against him. He had given Nour a painful and violent end, much like her daughter.
The funny thing was, Yelena had gotten Nour killed, and Nour didn’t even know her name. Nour knew her as “the child that never ages” or even “White Knight” but never once had she known her as “Yelena Belova”. Apep knew her name, she knew that he knew it, even if he never used it.
Apep was walking around in the body of a mortal. He was practically untouchable. Gods would be unable to harm the body he was occupying and mortals, whether they were avatars or not, would be no match against a literal God.
Yelena’s chest clenched uncomfortably each time she saw the cruel twist of Nour’s face as Apep took sadistic glee in seeing her hurt. Yelena had been tortured before, she had died many times, but having someone who had been so kind to her at the end being the one to stare down at her with mirth at her suffering was different.
Yelena already knew that Khonshu could grow back nails, knit together torn skin and muscle, unbreak bones, and heal burns. Yelena had been in an explosion that ruptured her eardrums and they had grown back. She had no doubt that if Apep had cut her arm off that it would eventually grow back if she managed to stay alive.
But that didn’t mean that it hurt no less. Nour’s voice and hands, ones that had so carefully been gentle and kind to her, were now being used against her. Apep had used the same nicknames that Nour did, calling Yelena those damned terms of endearment.
Yelena had braced herself, clenching her jaw as quiet tears rolled down her cheeks. She refused to give him the satisfaction of hearing her distress.
Apep had taken one of her teeth, he had taken a few of her nails, and he took great delight in asking her whether she thought her skin would regrow with no scars if he cut a patch out.
Apep wanted to start digging inside her, and Yelena kept as still as she could because the last thing she wanted was to jolt and have the knife pierce something it shouldn’t. Yelena still didn’t know if she could die and come back because Khonshu wasn’t there.
As Apep cut deeper and deeper, Yelena prayed to the Gods that she knew had avatars, she had asked them not only for strength but for rescue, she made promises of favors, something which Khonshu had told her never to do.
Yelena wondered if Apep would kill her on the very table she was strapped to. She wondered if Khonshu would be freed and come back to an avatar who had failed him. She wondered if Khonshu would care that she was gone and not coming back.
At one point in her life, death was an inevitable and Yelena had been prepared to die at any moment for simply displeasing the General. She was a Widow, it was her job to be expendable. The funny thing about death was how she was so ready to give her life but the moment she was bleeding out and realized that her end was coming, fear gripped her because she realized that she didn’t want to die. She didn’t want to have that be her end. But her fear had faded over the years. Having immortality had made her reckless and she had received too many lectures from Khonshu for putting herself into unnecessary danger just to get the job done.
Yelena would refuse to use the suit until the last moment because she needed the reminder that she was human. She could feel the blood on her hands and the ache in her body as she remembered that death could still happen despite her immortality. Any of her deaths could be her last, Khonshu could simply not be able to, or choose to not resurrect her.
The thought of death, a final death, now scared Yelena because she had more on the line than she ever had before. She had gotten complacent in her isolation and loneliness, having no reason other than her God to pursue a further reason to live. Yelena had been teetering on the edge of what some would call passive suicidal tendencies. She hadn’t wanted to kill herself but she didn’t try to stop it either.
Khonshu would hover over her shoulder like a protective shadow, occasionally yanking her out of the way of danger when she got too reckless. She had been yelled at many times as he ordered her to summon the suit and would constantly tell her that it was there for a reason. Yelena didn’t know how to explain to a God that she didn’t rely on the suit unless she really had to because she was afraid that one day it wouldn’t be there anymore.
There was no reason for Khonshu to keep her around or bring her back. Yelena was just a tool for him to use. She became his avatar simply out of convenience. She had died in his temple on the steps to his altar. She was simply there for him to take advantage of. She didn’t care if he was just another master for her to serve, she didn’t want to die at that moment, fifteen and alone.
Each of her deaths came easier and easier. Waking up aching somewhere safe was a comfort and she knew each time she died that Khonshu would take care of her body. Khonshu wasn’t that well versed in looking after a human body and Yelena would often wake up and be wired on vast amounts of caffeine that he forced into her because he didn’t want to deal with fatigue or exhaustion. Waking up with the bitter taste of coffee on her tongue was expected and as Apep stood over her at the moment, fingers pushed an opening he made with a knife, Yelena wished that she could buck her hips up and force him to do irreparable damage that would make her die.
She longed to give in and wake up, her body sore but somewhere safe, the lingering taste of bitter black coffee on her tongue. But Yelena didn’t know if she’d come back this time. Khonshu wasn’t there to guide her back and Yelena didn’t want to risk giving in and not being able to find her way out.
Yelena thought of Layla, the sweet girl that took her in all because her Goddess had made a promise of safety and sanctuary. Layla was surely looking for her and Yelena didn’t know whether she wanted Layla to find her so she could be safe in her arms or if she wanted Layla to stay far away so that Apep could not hurt her.
If she died, Layla would surely blame herself. She would wonder if there was something she could have done differently. The sudden appearance and disappearance of thirteen-year-old Dina El-Faouly would raise some eyebrows.
Layla had killed before, Yelena knew that, but never had Layla been too late to save someone. Layla had never had to deal with the guilt of being unable to save someone. Yelena refused to put that on her. She refused to be the first of an eventual inevitable outcome.
But try as hard as she might, Yelena could not fight even death. Apep’s fingers were burrowing further and further into her abdomen and it was getting easier to not fight him as her strength left her.
Her eyes were getting heavy and Yelena recognized the signs of major blood loss.
Shallow breathing. Lightheadedness. Rapid heart rate. Sweating. Weakness.
“I’m gonna die if you don’t slow down,” Yelena finally slurred out, her tongue heavy and mouth dry. Apep paused from where he was busy playing around with her abdomen, glancing up at her. Yelena wondered if he even knew the limits of the human body or if he simply didn’t care. The constant torturous pressure on her abdomen suddenly stopped and Yelena sucked in a gasp of air. Hands slick with blood grasped her chin and she was suddenly staring into the eyes of Apep. Gone were the warm dark eyes of Nour and instead Yelena was staring at the bright, nearly glowing eyes of a God.
“Hn.” Apep grunted out and then let her face go, moving away from her and out of her line of sight. Without the warm hands on her stomach, she suddenly felt cold.
She didn’t care how childish or stupid it was, at that moment, she just wanted to be wrapped up in a blanket and held. She wanted a reassurance that she was alright and safe.
Apep returned and undid the strap around her head, a juice box in hand as he gripped her chin and tilted her head to the side. He stuck the straw between her lips and ordered her to drink. Yelena was too tired to object and sucked on the straw, the sudden taste of apple juice overwhelming on her tongue as it moistened her mouth and soothed her throat.
She still couldn’t help but wish for the bitter taste of black coffee.
Layla knew that she was going to have to explain the exact situation that she was pulling Natasha into but it was a general rule of thumb for avatars to keep their existence a secret. Layla knew that she needed Tawaret’s permission to reveal anything to her so when Natasha asked Layla to explain everything she knew about Nour, Layla excused herself to the bathroom.
Layla only had to call for her once before Tawaret was there in the bathroom with her.
“I need to tell her,” Layla didn’t exactly ask for permission. Natasha needed to know, not that Yelena was White Knight but that Egyptian Gods existed and that Natasha had to be careful.
Tawaret stared down at her and Layla shifted nervously under her gaze, nearly sighing in relief when the woman gave her a nod. She only had to hope that Natasha wouldn’t think she was crazy.
So Layla went with dropping the information that Nour was an avatar of Apep and worked her way back from there. Natasha raised an eyebrow but sat back in her seat and let Layla explain.
Layla told her that she was the avatar of Tawaret and that Yelena, calling her the name Dina, was the avatar of Khonshu. Layla explained how she met Dina, what was going on with Khonshu, and where she suspected Dina to be.
Natasha didn’t speak a word the entire time until Layla finished. She simply leaned forward and nodded. “Okay.”
“Okay?” Layla echoed dumbly, expecting some sort of skepticism or disbelief.
“Okay,” Natasha confirmed. “I have met the literal God of thunder, I have seen aliens, the existence of Egyptian Gods does not surprise me.”
Layla was glad that she wasn’t going to have to figure out some way to convince her. “That… went better than I expected,” she admitted.
“Tell me what I should expect regarding dealing with Gods,” Natasha said.
Layla couldn’t help but think that Yelena would be far better at that than her. Yelena had taught her a lot regarding Gods and their rules. Khonshu had taught Yelena a lot and Yelena never minded explaining things to her.
But Yelena wasn’t there and was counting on her to get her out. So Layla started to go over every rule she could remember regarding Gods and mortals along with some of what to expect regarding Yelena’s powers.
Her voice wavered and faded when she suddenly saw Tawaret standing next to Natasha, her face grim.
“What happened?” Layla asked her and Natasha’s head snapped to look where Layla was looking.
“Yelena’s praying for help,” Tawaret’s voice was rather subdued and quiet. “She’s begging for strength.”
Layla swallowed hard, vaguely aware of Natasha snapping at her to know what was going on.
“Where is she?” Layla asked. Now that Yelena’s prayer had been heard, Tawaret could track her.
“The basement of an abandoned apartment complex,” Tawaret answered. Layla recognized the address provided as the very apartment complex that Safiyah had died next to. “You need to hurry, she’s fading fast.”
Layla stood, turning her attention to Natasha to relay the information. Yelena may be able to return from death unscathed but Layla refused to put her through any more deaths. Yelena deserved to live. She deserved to be happy.
Natasha and Layla left immediately to go and fight a God and rescue a girl that had both come to care for.