Chapter 22
“I miss you.”
It’s not quite the same thing.
Yelena is sitting on a swing in her six-year-old body, waiting to be resurrected. Sitting on the swing next to her is her big sister.
Eleven-year-old Natasha doesn’t reply, slowly swinging back and forth as she stared blankly into the thick woods ahead of them.
“I wish you were real,” Yelena continued on, her tiny legs too small to reach the ground from where she sat, her untied shoelaces dangling and dragging against the ground as she kicks her feet. “You’d know what to do, I think. You were always good about that. I’m the avatar to an ancient Egyptian God, can you believe that?”
Natasha doesn’t react, her sneakers scraping against the mulch with each lazy swing she gives.
“Khonshu’s really nice. He’s intimidating and dangerous but I like him. He-- he saved me,” Yelena slowly pumps her legs back and for in an attempt to swing. “He’s big and protective and keeps me safe. He’s my family.”
Yelena glances away from Natasha to look out into the woods, wondering what Natasha’s staring at. Yelena had to walk into the woods eventually, she knows that, but she wants to be selfish and stay here a little bit longer.
“He tells me that I can’t stay here. He gets-- he gets mad when I die. When I come here,” Yelena’s fingers tighten around the chains of the swing, ducking her head down. “I think… I think that maybe I sometimes might let myself die. Not-- not on purpose but… but it doesn’t scare me. Not anymore. I’m coming back, Khonshu will keep me safe, and I get to see you here!”
Yelena glances at Natasha, swallowing hard when she realized what she said.
“I’m not-- I’m not trying to die,” She hastily states, tilting her head back to look up at the blue sky, stopping her swinging. “I just… I don’t stop it either.”
Yelena takes a few deep breaths before she spoke again. “I think I need help.” She admits out loud. “I can’t-- I can’t keep going like this. Fighting and bleeding and hunting and dying.”
She slides off the swing, wobbling on unsteady legs before she turns toward her sister. She approached her, the swing stopping as Yelena gets in its path. Yelena swallows hard, reaching out to try and take her sister’s hand.
Just like always, her fingers fade through like an illusion, hitting the swing chain instead.
“I love Khonshu. But everybody tells me that he hurts me. They all think I’m a stupid child, that I’m going to end up dying for good in his hands--” Yelena inhales sharply, yanking her hand away and watching Natasha’s hand come back. “He saved me! He helped me! He protects me! He cares about me! They know nothing!”
Natasha doesn’t answer just like always and angry tears fill Yelena’s eyes as she steps back, twisting and letting out a scream of frustration, yelling until she doubles over, gasping for air.
“He’s all I have!” Yelena screams at Natasha, her eyes burning. “He’s my family! I don’t need you anymore! I have my own family now! You can go and play with the stupid Avengers all you want!” Yelena kicks mulch at her, tears finally rolling down her cheeks when the mulch hits Natasha’s legs.
“I don’t need you anymore!” Yelena continues, kicking at the mulch even harder as her fingers curls into fists. “You left! You left me just like everybody else! Why?”
Natasha starts to swing again when Yelena gets far enough away and Yelena kicks at the mulch so hard that she trips over her untied shoelaces and falls to the ground, scraping her knees.
She bursts into tears, folding in on herself as she sobs. “Why did you leave me? I died Nattie-- I died and it hurt so much.” She wraps her arms around herself, tears dripping off her nose from where she was hunched over, decorating the mulch with dark dots. “I was so scared.” Yelena whispers.
Footsteps approach her and Yelena tenses up when a hand rests on her shoulder, her head jerking to peer at who touched her. She freezes when she sees eleven-year-old Natasha crouching next to her.
“Did you scrape your knees?” Natasha asked with concern, tugging Yelena back to look at her knees. “Mom always tells you that you have to tie your shoes, silly.”
It’s a hazy memory tucked in the back of Yelena’s head but it’s slowly coming back to her.
“You-- you can touch me…” Yelena breathes out, watching as Natasha brushes some mulch from her pants and then kneels in front of her.
“Let me see,” Natasha’s fingers wrap around Yelena’s right ankle, tugging her foot out and into her lap. Natasha then starts to tie her shoe and Yelena watches, every muscle tense, too afraid to move in case she disturbs the memory. “I’m not always going to be there to tie your shoes, you’ll have to learn someday.”
“But it’s hard,” Yelena remembered saying, the words tumbling out of her mouth again.
Natasha lets out a hum, finishing a perfect bow on Yelena’s right shoe before shoving her foot away and reaching for the left one. “A lot of things are hard. But we do them anyway. Keep moving forward. You’ll only get better.”
Yelena watches Natasha tie her other shoe.
“There. Good as new,” Natasha pats her feet. “Pretty soon, you won’t need me anymore. You’ll be able to do this and all grown up.”
“I’m always going to need you,” Yelena breathed out, no hint of the childish giggle she once held when had originally said it.
Natasha’s face softened as she reaches out and Yelena minutely flinches when she feels the soft touch of Natasha’s hand on her cheek to tuck a strand of hair out of her face. “I’m not always going to be there for you.”
“Why not?” Yelena whispers, recalling the memory that had turned foggy over the years.
Natasha gives her a sad smile. “It’s how things are.”
“Why?”
“It just is, Lena,” Natasha lets out a hum, watching Yelena with soft green eyes. “Do you remember what mom says?” Natasha’s fingers run over what would have been scrapes on Yelena’s knees if she could have gotten hurt here in her memories.
“Pain makes you stronger,” Yelena parrots, watching Natasha shake her head.
“You make yourself stronger,” Natasha corrects, reaching out to poke Yelena’s nose. “You can’t rely on other people or things to make you stronger. Mom doesn’t make you strong, pain doesn’t make you strong, I don’t make you strong. You make you stronger.”
It hurts Yelena so much more to know that Natasha knew. Natasha knew that they were going to the Red Room. Natasha knew that Yelena had to learn to rely on only herself.
“I miss you--” Yelena chokes out, falling off the script and Natasha doesn’t reply, the sad smile still on her face. “I’m here. I’m right here, why can’t you see me?”
Natasha’s still touching her so Yelena takes the opportunity to lurch forward, wrapping her arms around Natasha and holding her close. It feels so wrong, it’s not right and Yelena’s face crumples because she wants a real hug from her big sister, not some puppet from a memory over a dozen years ago.
“I still need you.”
Natasha doesn’t reply.