A thought keeps coming back to him.
Having his own body is different. It isn’t better or worse than before, it’s just different. Steven doesn’t know if it’s all in his head or it’s actually different, but it isn’t the same. Not anymore. Not like it was when Marc was there too—and Jake, but they didn’t know about him yet.
Sometimes, it seems too silent. As if he’s surrounded by the silence, wrapped in it and no sound passes through. He tells himself it’s because he had gotten used to Marc too fast, that he had already accepted it would’ve been like that for a long time—even if Marc promised he would’ve been gone after taking care of Harrow and Ammit, but Steven still got used to it too quickly, as if he didn’t believe Marc’s words.
So now, it’s almost weird that his reflection doesn’t talk back at him, or that he can’t hear any voices in his head.
It just felt natural to accept coming back separated, maybe it was the heat of the moment, since the three of them were already in different bodies, or maybe it was something else, Steven doesn’t truly know, and yet, he’s certain they didn’t think much about the way it would’ve been once they had come back home and had to go on with their lives.
Steven went from living on his own with Gus to living with Marc sharing the same body, and in the end, to sharing his apartment—Marc’s actually, with Marc and Jake. That’s why it’s different. Because before, most of the time, he was alone, and even when Marc was there, he still felt that same loneliness, but now, well, now, he isn’t alone anymore.
There’s Marc and Jake, and often, Steven ends up wondering if they’re truly there, if they are real and not something his mind came up with to fight that loneliness.
But sometimes, he has to ask Jake to lower the volume of the television because he can’t concentrate on the book he’s reading, or to remind Marc to open the window if he cooks himself a steak, at least to spare him the torture of trying to fall asleep with the stank of meat in the air. So then, he thinks that if they weren’t real, if they were just a product of his mind, they wouldn’t do things Steven doesn’t like.
They are real, and it’s all very different, and even if Jake and Marc eat a dreadful amount of non-vegan food, he can’t truly find it in himself to say he preferred how it was before everything. Before Marc and Harrow, when he was just someone working at a gift shop.
Steven really can’t say that because he likes it. He likes it too much, and maybe, he’s starting to love it. To get attached.
He loves getting back home from work—at a smaller museum, but at least they let him be a tour guide there, only to find Marc or Jake, or both there, smiling at him. He loves hearing a reply to his greeting, getting asked how his day went, and even if they both can’t understand why Steven willingly gave up on meat and everything else that comes from animals, he loves seeing that they still prepared him a vegan dinner. It’s little things, but now that they’re there, he knows he would never be able to renounce them.
Steven loves all of it, even the things he shouldn’t love, like Marc trying to organise his books and mixing all the notes Steven takes, or Jake cursing in Spanish too loudly at the television and getting crumbs of whatever he’s eating everywhere.
And perhaps, it isn’t those things he really loves, but who makes them happen.
It’s the way they still haven’t gotten rid of the old bed to get a bigger one, so somehow, they always end up glued to each other during the night, even if Jake is keen on making them keep their distance. It doesn’t work, and Steven has learnt it’s just a façade, since Jake is the one that scoots over close to him when he thinks Steven has fallen asleep. Steven indulges him, though, because he loves that too. He loves the warmth on both of his sides, the light grip Jake has on his waist, as if he’s scared Steven would tell him not to do that, or feeling Marc’s forehead pressed against his chest. Steven loves every part of it, even when their legs are tangled all together and he needs to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
It’s nice, much more than nice. It’s amazing, and even if they didn’t think about what getting separate bodies meant, Steven doesn’t regret it. He knows he wouldn’t have complained either way as long as they were able to get back to life all together, but he still thinks that maybe, maybe this feels good.
Having his own body and being able to hold Marc and Jake whenever he wants to, hold their hands when he needs to, or just being able to see them without having to look through a mirror or call for them, it all makes him feel like his chest is going to burst.
It all makes him so happy, and that loneliness he always felt isn’t there anymore, not when Marc and Jake took its place.