Blessing to Curse?
The whole team stared at Peter’s face on the monitor with shock and hope. He was trapped in his own mind, but he was reaching out to them. He was reaching out for help. This was proven over and over when they went back through the footage.
When Tony had asked if Peter knew who he was he had answered, “Yes, you are Iron Man, you are a threat.” Which had shattered Tony, but that was the Spider talking. Peter blinked a different answer in morse code: Tony
When Bucky had asked if he knew who he himself was, he, actually the Spider, had said “Yes, I am Hydra’s Spider,” but Peter had blinked: Peter
When Tony had asked if he could tell him a story he had blinked out: Yes
When Tony had asked if he knew who Peter Parker was he blinked out: Me
When Tony said he was not Hydra, Peter had blinked: I Know
When Tony had said “Look what Hydra has done to you!” Peter had blinked: Help Me
Peter was in there, aware somehow, and needed help. This had once again become a rescue mission.
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The team returned downstairs to the cell with a plan. To execute the plan they needed four things, paper, a pen, questions, and Peter, not the Spider. Steve agreed to take the lead as Tony wasn’t sure he could handle the answers the Spider would give to the questions they had agreed upon. Tony sat in the chair, paper and pen in hand ready to record Peter’s blinks.
Steve started, “Do you know where you are?” The spider did not answer, but Peter blinked.
After he stopped Tony interperpreted the dots and dashes, “Tower.” Tony said.
Steve nodded with determination in his eyes and continued, “Do you remember your life before Hydra?”
This time the Spider did speak, “There was nothing before Hydra, Hydra made me.” His voice was as usual emotionless, but while he said this, his eyes were blinking. Peter was blinking.
It was a shorter answer than the first. After Tony wrote it down he immediately recognized it as, “Yes.”
Steve nodded again and turned back to Peter/the Spider, “Do you know what Hydra did to you?”
The Spider replied, “They created me.” Peter did not blink.
The team looked at eachother confused, but pushed on and proceeded to the next question. “Do you know how they did this to you?” Steve tried.
The Spider did not have an answer to this, but his eyes involuntarily blinked. Peter had an answer. Tony watched carefully and made dots and dashes on the paper without looking down, to make sure he didn't miss a blink. He looked at the paper finally when he was sure Peter was finished and he translated, “Chair”
Bucky took a sharp breath in, his eyes showed fear at the one word. Steve also understood since Bucky confided in him, but the rest of the team was at a loss. “What?” Tony asked, afraid to know the answer.
“Th-they used a ch-chair-” Bucky was almost shaking thinking about it. Remembering the pain that accompanied every trip to that godforsaken contraption. The fear he would feel when it came into view and then the hollow emptiness that would follow. The emptiness that would keep him trapped in a shell of a person. He froze as memories of it resurfaced. Steve’s hand on his shoulder brought him back. The whole team was still looking at him.
“Do you want me to explain?” Steve asked gently.
“No it’s ok,” Bucky said, taking a breath getting ready to continue. Tony was freaking out internally. He did not know Bucky too well, since they had their differences, but he had never seen the man look so fearful. He couldn’t imagine how Peter felt if this is how Bucky reacted. “The ch-chair, the memory repressing machine, was used while-” he grit his teeth and said the next words through them, “my handler” he took a breath, “recited trigger words that made me comply.”
“And then what?” Tony asked even though he knew it was a stupid question.
“Then I was their puppet.” He gritted out looking at Tony. No one said anything else as they digested the horrifying information. Bucky broke through the silence when he said one word, “But-” everyone looked back up at him as he stared into the cell at Peter. “Something is different this time.”
“What do you mean?” Tony asked, confused and worried.
“I mean when I was put in the m-machine,” His voice still wavered anytime he spoke about it, “I came out hollow. Peter seems to be aware within though. Honestly I don’t know if that is better or worse.” The last sentence hung heavy in the air weighing down on everyone.
It could be better that Peter is aware, since he can communicate with them, but it also means he is aware of anything the Spider does. Bucky does not remember killing Tony’s parents, that was purely the Winter Soldier. But if the Spider hurts or kills someone, Peter would remember, because he is aware. No matter what, there is no doubt Peter feels trapped and scared, the question is, is that feeling worth the ability to communicate.
Bucky had to ask a question that would answer whether this awareness was more of a blessing or a curse, he went off the script of the questions they had written down. He had not taken his eyes off Peter, and still did not as he spoke, “Did you go on missions?”
Tony quickly turned back to Peter with the pen and paper ready. He did not know exactly why it mattered, but he knew Bucky had a reason. The Spider replied, “That is classified Hydra business.” Peter blinked.
Tony started to write down dots and dashes, but stopped as he recognised the pattern from earlier, “Yes” A tear rolled down Peter’s, the Spider’s, emotionless face.
“Dammit!” Bucky yelled, completely losing his collectiveness, as fury for Hydra came to the surface full force. ‘How could they do this to a child!’ he thought.
Rhodey spoke up, “We knew they sent you on missions, why would it have been different for him?”
“I was hoping it would be.” Bucky replied back angrily.
“Why?” Tony spoke up as he stood to face Bucky who was on the other side of the room looking about ready to punch the wall.
They were all missing an obvious, devastating thing. Bucky didn't want to break their naivety towards it but he needed them to understand for Peter’s sake. For when Peter snapped out of it. “He was aware,” he repeated from earlier.
Tony fell back in the chair, the force of the sentence combined with the lone tear that just escaped Peter’s eye, shattered the illusion of Peter’s awareness being a good thing. When weighing the pros and cons it seemed they were almost leveled or the pros even out weighed the cons. Pros: Peter could communicate and they had proof he was still in there. Cons: Peter was trapped and scared. But add the con of Peter being aware of every life the Spider had taken, every person the Spider had hurt, or even tried to, which includes all of them. The scale had tipped and fallen under the weight of the cons.
Awareness was most definitely a curse.