You wake up feeling an intense pain in your body. You can’t tell where. It is like you were on fire. If you had any energy left in you, you would have opened your eyes to make sure you’re not actually on fire. But what little energy you have is being focused on falling asleep or anything else to make the pain go away. There is no comfort to be found. No blanket, your clothes were old and torn and probably smelled terrible. And the dingy mattress you are laying on is so dented, the floor would have been a better option. Moving is no option, you know that. That is the only thing you know, you can’t remember anything outside of the tiny cell and the pain. Did you ever leave? Did you have a life before? What was your name?
The pain almost took you over when you heard gunshots? This can’t be right, surely you’re imagining things. There’s some screaming and shouting too. You never hallucinated before, so you think. Why can’t it just be quiet so you can pass out until the pain stops?
Suddenly the door bursts open.
“She’s here! I found her!”
Footsteps are coming closer to you, but you can’t react. The pain has you paralysed.
“Y/N, it’s me! I’m here to take you home”
Home? This is your home. You want to say something but then a cold metal hand touches you and the pain gets even worse, you thought that this was impossible, and this time you finally pass out.
-🌹-
You wake up in an unfamiliar room, but in a bed that is vastly more comfortable than you were used to. After adjusting to the light you look around and try to make sense of everything. You are hooked to an IV with three different fluids. There is a heart monitor that’s thankfully silent. On the other side there is a man sitting in a chair that probably is very uncomfortable and too small for him. His left hand is on your bed. There is something strange about that hand, at first you think it was a glove but upon closer inspection you realise it is a metal hand. You gasp loudly at that realisation, which startles the man in the chair and causes him to wake up. Immediately his eyes are on you and a panic rises in your chest. You know these eyes. These are the eyes of a killer.
He is saying something to you, but through the static noise that is in your ears you can’t hear anything. You flinch as he tries to touch you, trying your best to get as far away from him as the bed and the wires and tubes attached to you will allow.
Suddenly there are other people in the room. Two are removing the man from your room, a nurse is talking to you, trying to calm you down and in the confusion you don’t notice the fourth person adding something to your IV that makes you fall asleep.
-🌹-
The next time you wake up you’re alone. You try to figure out where you are and why you’re here. Moving your body hurts, maybe you were in an accident? This is clearly a hospital, but it’s very modern and high tech, not like any hospital you have been in. Then you remember that the Winter Soldier had found you. Was he here to finish his job? How did he find you? Your pulse was starting to rise, as someone knocked on your door and entered. The person called your name and slowly you let go of your panicked thoughts. You couldn’t believe who you were seeing.
“Tony Stark?”
“That’s my name. We were really worried about you for a moment there. But good to know you still remember me. Would have been real disappointed if you didn’t recognise your boss”
“Boss? Mr Stark, I don’t work for you . I just moved to New York…”
You looked at Tony Stark with confusion on your face. He was acting like he knew you, but you had never met that man before. Of course you knew Iron Man and his business. Who doesn’t? And now he was looking at you like you’re the one losing it? Nothing made sense.
“Real Talk. What is the last thing you remember before waking up here?”
“I… I don’t know. I think I got off work? Walking home? No, that’s wrong….”, you looked at your hands, suddenly you felt the dull pain all over your body. In some places stronger than other. Tears were now running down your face. Finally you whisper:
“pain, just pain. everything hurts, like i’m on fire. that’s all i remember”
You look up at him and with pleading eyes asking what happened.
“Hydra happened. I promise you they will pay for it. We will find them.”
Hearing the name of the organisation you knew was responsible for killing your parents made your blood turn cold. Before you know it, you’re crying.
Faster than you can process he’s next to you and embracing you. Keeping your head close to his chest. He speaks calming words while you sob in his arms. Your sobs getting stronger as your memories return to you.
Once you calm down enough to speak again, he listens as you tell him about the memories that just returned.
You being tortured while chained to the ceiling. A woman promising you to make it all stop if you comply. You tied to a gurney and being injected with fluids in various colours. The woman again telling you that it only will get worse if you don’t comply. Your body on fire, it’s all just pain again. Pain in the realest sense of the world. When you try to remember more your head starts to hurt.
Tony explains to you how you had been taken by Hydra and that it took weeks for the Avengers to find you. As for why Hydra would want you he explained how long you’ve been working with him and the Avengers.
That’s when you remember you never told anyone parents. You hadn’t thought about them for a long time. Your pulse was getting quicker and you were about to disassociate when you heard Tony’s smooth voice calling for you to return.
“Don’t worry, we’re working on it. You’re safe here. No one can get close to you here, FRIDAY makes sure of that. And I think it would be pretty stupid of anyone trying to come into a building full of superheroes.”
“But he was here. When I first woke up, the Winter Soldier was here. I don’t even know how he found me. I thought after he killed my parents he would come after me too, but he didn’t. But if Hydra knows, then he knows, and… and…”
You try to get out of bed. You need to leave. Now. If the Winter Soldier can bypass Stark’s security, you’re not safe here. But you’re still weak from everything that happened and it takes no effort for Tony to keep you in bed.
“You need to go back a few steps. The Winter Soldier killed your parents? We’ve known each other how many years? And you never told me? Me? The guy whose parents were killed by the Winter Soldier and not once do you mention it?”
“It’s different. My parents were Hydra. They wanted out, but no one leaves Hydra. So they sent him. And now he’s after me. He already knows where I am, I can’t stay”
“Okay, I need to have a stern word with FRIDAY later, because your parents? Never showed up in your background check. And the Winter Soldier? Yeah, he was here. But how do I explain that… He’s kind of an Avenger now. I’ll explain the details later, once you had some more rest and we get an expert in. Can’t overwhelm you with too much information at once. If it makes you feel any better I’ll make sure that he won’t come near you until you say it”
“I never want to see him. Ever. Again.”
For a second you think that there was concern or hurt on Tony’s face. But it must have been your imagination, he is his old self when he speaks.
“Okay, that can be arranged. Now rest while I call some experts to figure out your memories. Can’t have my best worker bee forget how amazing her boss is.”
With that he leaves you to rest and sleep finds you easily.
-🌹-
Has it been days or weeks? Time has become a vague concept, even with Tony’s help you have trouble wrapping your head around everything. You have been allowed out of the medical wing and into a room that has been prepared for you. Some of your stuff is in that room. You vaguely remember Tony mentioning that you have an apartment in the tower but for now it’s safer in the compound so he moved some of your things here.
Seeing things that belong to you with things that don’t is a very strange experience. It’s like someone took parts of you and someone else, blended it together and said that this is you now.
You make your way to your bed and notice a giant white wolf stuffed toy on it. This couldn’t possibly be yours. You never liked stuffed toys. Or maybe you did, but you hadn’t brought any to New York. As you lie down you still grab it and cuddle with it before you drift off to sleep.
You’re at a carnival, cotton candy in your one hand, someone else else’s hand in your other. You see a stand that has giant wolf plushies, most are grey in colour but there is one white wolf.
„Oh! I need that giant white wolf please!“
„Doll, you already have me, am I not cuddly enough?“
„But what about when you go on missions and I’m all alone? I’m sure that plush would protect me“
He hugs you from behind and laughs in your ear, “now that’s silly. But anything for my love“
He walks to the vendor, pays, and shoots all the moving targets to win you your wolf. When he walks back to you, you can’t even see his face because of how big the plush is. He finally moves it to the side so you can kiss him –
Before you can see his face you wake up.
It was a dream, but it felt so real. Was that a real memory? You were holding on to the same plush you just saw in your dream.
You were exhausted of nothing in your life making sense at the moment…
~🌹~
The next day you see some neurologists and spend the day trying to unlock your memories, again without success. You hadn’t brought up the dream, not knowing if it was relevant. It felt like something you shouldn’t share with just anyone. You don’t remember having a boyfriend. But surely Tony would have mentioned a boyfriend by now.
“A penny for your thoughts?”
You’re pulled out of your thoughts by this, the tea you’ve been stirring long gone cold.
“Huh?”
Captain America was pouring himself a coffee next to you.
“You seemed deep in thought, more than usual”
“I guess I am”
“Well, if you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I know Tony got that mostly covered, he likes to go overboard with that stuff… it can be too much. But that’s how he shows he cares”
“Captain Rogers, ca–“
“Steve. We are friends after all” he smiles and takes a sip of his coffee.
“Steve. Do you know if Mr Stark, I mean Tony, put things in my room that aren’t mine?”
“I don’t think so. Why do you ask?”
“It’s probably nothing…”
“You can talk to me. I may be no expert, but we’re friends. And truth be told, you’re not the first of my friends with…memory issues”
“Of course, the Winter Soldier.” You whispered mostly to yourself, but there was a venom on your voice that didn’t go unnoticed as you saw the captain’s face falter for a second.
“Bucky. Yes. I don’t know if you remember but he didn’t do those things because he wanted to. He also didn’t remember it all at once. It took time. Maybe if you talk to him he could help you?”
“NO!” Your voice was louder than you had meant. “I will not talk to the Winter Soldier”
“I understand” and maybe he did. You weren’t sure. But you still had to urge to find out about your dream.
“Steve? Do you know about the white wolf in my room? It isn’t something I remember…it makes me feel safe” You have begun to stir the cold tea again, avoiding eye contact. Saying it out loud made you feel stupid. Surely it was just a dream. Your broken memory playing you a cruel joke.
“Yeah, I remember the day you brought him home!” Steve sounded excited.
You wanted to know more but his phone pulled him away from you, leaving you alone with your thoughts.
~🌹~
Finally you were able to convince Tony that whatever experts he had found were no good and you had gotten used to a new routine of waking up, getting breakfast and then seizing the day. Going back to work wasn’t an option, even though you felt like your physical injuries were mostly healed. Today you planned to read some books you had read before but don’t remember reading. Just as you walked around the corner with a pile of books in your hands you bumped into something or someone, as you heard a “oomph” sound.
“Oh no, I’m so sorry! I didn’t see you with all the books, but I didn’t want to take two trips, I’m so sorry!” you were on the floor trying to collect all the books. Steve, who you had walked into, helped you collect them.
“Don’t worry about it. I also wasn’t paying attention. The Hobbit? I remember we watched the movies together”
“They made movies?! I should add that to the list of things I forgot”
“NO! You can’t! You will never forgive me if you watch them again after forgetting about them. Trust me on this”
Both of you walked to your room talking about movies he had seen with you. It was great to have a normal conversation for once. You had felt like everyone was acting like you’ll fall apart any second.
You grabbed the Hobbit from your pile of books and made yourself comfortable on your bed leaning on the white wolf.
You’re lying on the green grass letting the sun shine on you. Your head is resting on his lap with your eyes closed as he reads the Hobbit to you. You’ve read the book several times, so you lightly doze off until suddenly-
„How did robots end up in middle earth?“
„So you are still listening, just wanted to make sure“ he chuckles and resumes to read the story, properly. While he’s holding the book in one hand he uses the other to play with your hair, gently massaging your scalp. The soothing voice and massage lull you to sleep and you can’t help but to think about how happy you are.
A knock on your door pulls you out of your dream. You face is wet, were you crying? Quickly you wipe your face before you open the door to find Steve on the other side.
“Is everything okay?” the frown on his face made you think you just look horrible.
“Just a dream, I think… what can I do for you?”
“How about we go for a walk? Get out of here for a while? I know the perfect place”
You agreed but wanted to freshen up first. Ten minutes later you met Steve outside and you let him lead you.
He asked you about your dreams. Sleep was a loaded subject. At first the nightmares were so bad you hardly slept. On top of every thing you couldn’t relax knowing that the Winter Soldier was living under the same roof as you. But you weren’t going to tell Steve that. You only mentioned the nightmares. And the dreamless sleep you got with the help of medication.
When you stop and sit down you look around and see a sea of blue flowers. Forget me not. Your favourite flower. The place felt strangely familiar.
“I’ve been here before.” you were sure of it. You felt an itch in the back of your mind, trying to remember. But you couldn’t force yourself to unlock it.
“Yes, you come here quite often when they’re in bloom. I thought maybe it would help” Steve didn’t know about this place, Bucky had told him about it and begged him to take you while he kept his distance.
After a long silence, Steve hands you a leather bound notebook.
“It’s from Bucky. He asked me to not tell you it’s from him. But since he’s been through some of the things you’ve been through… he said keeping a journal helps.”
Reluctantly you take the notebook. The leather is smooth and soft. In one corner you find your initials engraved. Not the ones you used after your parent’s death, no, these were your real initials.
"Tony finally figured it all out. Took him some time. Whoever helped with obscuring the tracks was good. But now that we know everything you don't have to hide it anymore."
You're speechless. You never considered it an option to go back to using your real name.
~🌹~
It takes you a while to find the courage to open the notebook. It was beautiful, but you couldn't forget who it came from. Why would he put so much effort into a notebook for you? When you finally open it you see a print of forget me not on the first page.
You breath deeply and remind yourself that it's just a notebook. And what if he happens to know your favourite flower. That doesn't mean anything. Steve knew about it too.
With shaking hands you grab a pen and start writing about your dreams and glimpses of memory, hoping to be able to string them together to something coherent.
Soon the notebook is a constant companion. The nightmares are still a constant in your life, but you feel like with each dream and nightmare you write down they become less heavy.
Only the white wolf remains a mystery. Steve only told you it's not his story to tell. He did mention that Bucky went through something similar as you, so you decide to look up the Winter Soldier and what information you can find.
Hours pass and you've been reading reports and articles about the horrors that James Buchanan Barnes had to endure during his time with Hydra. It never crossed your mind that he was a victim too.
It's late, but you know that Tony never sleeps and that's why you know you'll find him in his lab working on something. The music is loud and he doesn't hear you coming in. You ask FRIDAY to turn the music down and instantly he turns around to complain, but stops himself when he recognises you.
"Can't sleep? Good, that means you can do your job, come over here and hold this"
You put the notebook, you don't even remember grabbing it, on a table and hold up the contraption Tony is working at so he can look at it from another angle.
"Talk to me. You're not really here to actually work with me. Though the help is much appreciated. I asked Dum-E yesterday and he dropped it and I had to start all over again. Don't look at me like that, I did not tell you to let go. No, don't come over here, or I'll take you apart." he threatens Dum-E with a screwdriver, which makes the bot back off again.
"You know Dum-E, you really should work on paying attention. I know you like to be helpful, but that only works when you actually listen. Like the one time you blew the birthday candles for me. Nice gesture, but ruined the cake with the extinguisher foam."
"Yes, listen to her! You still need to pay for the cake I had to get her instead" Tony points at him accusingly and then turns to you. "I guess the memories are coming back? Or did you make that thing up and just got it right because he's a useless bot?"
"I've been having dreams when I'm not having nightmares that I think might be memories. This is actually one of the reason I came here to talk to you. You mentioned the winter sold- I mean Sergeant Barnes being an Avenger now?"
"Yes. I was gonna suggest that you could talk to him about everything, but then with your parents and everything... I told him to stay away from you. I know it's hard to process that the man who killed your parents is not the same who is now here. It took me a while to come to terms with that myself. But when he's not looking at you with a murder stare that he gets, he can be a decent guy. A bit grumpy for my taste, but not for yours"
"For me?"
"Isn't that why you're here? You remembered something about him?"
"I don't know maybe. In my nightmares, they mention him. And I can't figure out the connection. Why would they ask me about him?“
“You should talk to him. He’s not a bad guy. I’m sure he’ll understand whatever it is”
~🌹~
Talk to him. Tony had made it sound easy. Because of Steve you knew that Bucky was staying away from you because you made it clear that you did not want to see him. You didn’t remember that, but then again the first few days after your return you were overwhelmed with so much information, maybe you did say that.
Several times you had walked up to his door only to lose confidence and leave.
Today you were alone in the compound, at least that's what you thought. You're in the common room reading when you fall asleep.
Suddenly you find yourself strapped to a chair, you try to move but can't. Everything is kind of hazy, like you've been drugged. People around you are a blur and moving in slow motion. You have to get away from here, that's all you know.
"I warned you of consequences for not cooperating with us. All you had to do was get us the Winter Soldier. But no. 'That's not who he is anymore'. Hydra can get him back, you're just delaying the inevitable. Don't you worry, I'll make sure that it's you who brings him back, if you want to or not."
Panic rises in you. You don't know why, but you know you would do anything to protect the Winter Soldier. Before you can react in any way to the person speaking to you, you feel something being pushed between your teeth and then it's just pain.
You scream.
Breath for me, doll
Breath in
Hold
Breath out
Just like that
You can't place that voice. Yet it feels familiar. Slowly your breathing returned to normal. You're on the floor next to the sofa you fell asleep in with someone above you pressing your shoulders down. It was just a dream. You were not back with Hydra but your mind was not on the same page. You were still full panic mode.
"It's okay. Just breath. Focus und tell me three things you can feel"
Feeling, yes, you can do that. You close your eyes and focus. The carpet beneath you. The shirt you're wearing. The hands on your shoulders.
"Good! Now four things you can hear"
What can you hear? Your heart. His breathing. The birds outside. The branches hitting a window.
"Very good, now 5 things you can see"
You open your eyes and look around. The sofa. The coffee table. Your cup of tea. Your book. And Bucky.
It feels like forever that you stare into his eyes while he's still on top of you. Bucky, you knew him, and he was safe.
Something snapped Bucky out of it and he scrambled to get off of you.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to touch you. Looked like you were somewhere else and in my experience this helps." he avoided looking at you as he spoke but you still could see the sadness in his eyes. As he turns to leave you grab his hand.
"Bucky! wait!"
He looks at you then your hands touching, back at you. You let go of his hand.
"please stay?"
You needed to sort your thoughts before you could properly talk to him. Maybe he didn't hear you or maybe you were too quiet, but he leaves you standing there and you let yourself fall on the sofa. Of course you'd be stuck alone with the one person who doesn't want to talk to you. And why would they? You apparently made it clear you don’t want to see them. You lay your arm over your eyes and sigh when suddenly a blanket is dropped on you.
Bucky had returned with a blanket that smelled like home and a hot tea. As you get comfortable with the blanket and tea he takes a seat at the other end of the sofa.
A comfortable silence settles between you while you drink your tea and he just sits there, waiting for you to make the first move.
"Thank you. I don't... I... I thought I was back there. I've had nightmares since coming back, but this one felt so real" you look into you half empty cup.
"I also told Tony that I believed they were after me because of my parents, but now I think it might have been because of you. They mentioned something about wanting the Winter Soldier"
Bucky tensed up and you saw him turn his left hand into a fist from the corner of your eye.
"Whatever they wanted from me, I didn't give it to them, so they put me in a chair. I don't know what it did, only the pain. I still feel it", you are shaking under the blanket and tears are falling down your face.
Suddenly you're feeling warm and safe. Bucky is hugging you and you feel like a weight has been lifted of you. Finally you can breath again, you found the missing puzzle piece.
"I would have done anything to get you back. If I had known I would have walked in there and exchanged myself for you" he whispered into your ear.
He doesn't let go of you and you don't want him to. You try to remember more of your dream, more details, but all you can focus on is the smell of the blanket, the man embracing you and how safe you feel and you fall asleep again.
When you wake up you feel more rested than you can remember. You’re still on the sofa wrapped in Bucky’s arms. You’re so comfortable you don’t want to move, don’t want this to end. You breath in deeply and close your eyes again, make it last for as long as possible.
But sleep doesn’t come. Instead you hear whispered noises from around you. They make you uncomfortable, you can’t make out what they’re saying, you open your eyes and don’t see anyone. Your breathing gets shallow even though you know no one can get into the compound. The arms around you press you tighter to Bucky’s chest.
“Can you be any louder, Steve? Some people are trying to sleep here”
Bucky is awake? How long has he been awake?
“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you lovebirds”
Lovebirds? Quickly you get up, a bit faster than your body can handle and you sway a bit, grab the blanket Bucky gave you and mumble something and make your way to your room.
Year heart is pounding in your ears when you lock the door behind you. You wrap yourself on the blanket and take your white wolf. Needing all the comfort you can get.
There’s a knock on your door. You make yourself go over and open it and find Bucky with a plate of food.
“You didn’t have any breakfast or lunch so I thought I should… but if you don’t want to…I can leave?”
He looks kind of lost and after last night you knew you weren’t afraid of him. And then you remember that you also took his blanket. Wordlessly you let him and you hear him let out a breath when he enters. Did he think you wouldn’t let him in?
Words are hard so you are happy to have an excuse with the food for not having to speak. You did whisper a thank you, but that’s all you say before you start to eat.
“I’m sorry about Steve, he’s kind of a punk sometimes. But he was out of line.”
You hum in acknowledgment as you take another bite. When you’re done you get up and take the blanket and bring it to Bucky, apologising for taking it without asking.
“Oh no, it’s yours. You gave it to me a while back, when my nightmares had gotten bad again. I didn’t have them for a long time, so I didn’t know how to handle it. But then you gave me this blanket and it helped. Figured it would do the same for you.”
Hearing that you helped Bucky with his nightmares made you feel something, you couldn’t quite place the emotion. But knowing you were able to help him made you feel warm.
“Tony said that maybe I should talk to you. I’ve been trying, but I don’t know where to start. It’s all so much and makes no sense, I have dreams and nightmares, and I can’t tell which ones are real and which aren’t. The pain is still in my bones even if I don’t feel it all the time, it still lingers. And then being stuck here while not knowing when it’ll be safe for me to go back home. I don’t even know what my home is anymore. Tony mentioned an apartment and sometimes I think I can remember the view. But when I try to remember the pain just gets worse. And then yesterday, when the dream felt so real, I was paralysed until you came and helped me and it’s honestly the best sleep I have had that I can remember and I’m afraid I won’t be able to find such sleep again. But I can’t ask you to keep me company every night, you have a life if your own —“
You probably could have gone on for much longer but Bucky had come over and hugged you tight.
“Doll, it’s one step at a time. If you want me to hold you each night I will do that. You know I would do anything for you”
And you did know that. Deep down in your heart you knew he would do anything for you and also that you trusted him with your life.
It didn’t come back instantly. As you spent more time with Bucky you could feel the familiarity, it was like he knew who you were even if you didn’t. He always knew when you started to let your mind wander into the dark corners and always pulled you back. He knew how to cook your favourite dishes and which books you liked the most on different days.
Life with Bucky was good. You wanted more, he probably would give you more if you asked. But you were still stuck on the dreams with the white wolf, and didn’t Steve say it wasn’t his story to tell, but that he knew it? Could it, no it couldn’t.
You gather your things from the bench you’ve been sitting and almost run to Bucky’s room. When you knock he isn’t there. Of course, he and Steve went on a mission. You had gotten so used to have him around that you had forgotten he was an Avenger.
Should you just go in?
“FRIDAY, is Sergeant Barnes’ door locked?”
“Yes it is, however I have been instructed to let you in”
“How long?”
“Unlocking the door just takes less than a second, do you want me to unlock the door?”
“No, how long have I been given access to his door”
Friday mentioned a date in the past, much more in the past than you expected. The door is unlocked and you walk in.
Suddenly it feels like you’ve found everything you’ve been missing. There is a picture of you and the giant wolf that is currently on your bed. You’re laughing. Next to the picture you found a scrapbook. It’s pictures of you and Bucky through the years. On dates, sometimes with other team members. Most importantly it’s you and Bucky being happy. You don’t remember seeing that smile on him. Then there’s a picture of you and him where you’re looking into the camera and smiling while he’s looking at you like you are his world.
As you keep looking at the things in his room you find more pieces of yourself, some that you remember, some that you know are you but don’t remember.
The puzzle is piecing itself together. Why you’d let yourself be tortured for him. Why he told he would have done the same for you. Why you felt the safest in his arms. Why him calling you pet names always made your heart beat faster. Why Steve and Tony tried to push you into his direction. Why he kept his distance when you didn’t remember.
You’re standing in the middle of the room, overwhelmed by all the revelations and emotions when the door opens behind you.
Bucky was still in his mission gear, all sweaty and dirty from wherever he returned from. But you didn’t care.
All you needed to do right now was run up to him and kiss him, and so you did.
The kiss was passionate and gentle and sweet. Bucky tried to pull away but you just held him tighter, you couldn’t let go now.
When you finally let go of him you just look into each other’s eyes.
“You remember?”
“I remember. At least some of it.”
You kiss him again, finally you have found home again. In the man that has the same eyes as your favourite flower. And you knew everything would work out as long as he was by your side.