The Memory
Nat: Approaching now, don’t wait up.
Ria: I’ll wait up if I damn well please.
Natasha smiled at her phone, the Commander always got a little testy when she was nervous, and given what they were about to walk into, she had every right. But then her phone vibrated again.
Ria: be safe, in and out and back to us.
Us. It only took two letters to make the Russians' hearts flutter.
Nat: yes ma’am.
“Let’s go blondie,” Stark all but shouted through his suit as he pushed Thor out of the jet, “smell ya later.”
Clint just shook his head as he glanced at Natasha from the cockpit.
“We’re literally landing,” he brought the jet down into an opening of less-than-ideal jungle terrain.
Steve was the first out the door and onto broken ground, jogging over to the stationary cargo ship where Tony and Thor had entered. She looked at Clint who pulled his headset off.
“Dub,” he barely glanced up at her as he checked his quiver.
Natasha double-checked the ammo in her Glocks and nodded once, they had gone through this routine countless times that the final check was comforting.
“You’re sure you don’t need me?” Banner wrung his hand nervously.
“Unless it’s a code green, you’re staying here,” she pointed to the jet, “Keep it running and Hill in the loop. Without Jarvis, we're going to need to stay all over communications.”
“Okay…” the man looked nervous as he pulled his own headset on.
“Let’s go,” Clint used his head to motion out into the jungle.
She followed closely behind, no matter where they were, she would have the blonde's back. By the time they entered the ship, the firefight was just ramping up. The two took cover as Klaue came tumbling down the staircase, she blanked for a moment, taking it the arm- or lack thereof.
“Shoot them!” The man bellowed.
“Which ones?” the guard to his left asked as Natasha tried to sneak up behind him.
“All of them!” Klaue barked out.
“You’re gonna be a shitty arms dealer if you don't even have an arm,” Barton got in his one jab and the rest of the armed guards turned and took the spies on.
“You just had to-” Natasha heaved as her foot collided with a man's jaw, “say something.”
“It was too good to-” Clint threw his elbow into a set of ribs, “pass up!”
The Russian shook her head as a round shot off to her left, she followed only after hearing Steve call out from the end of the hall.
“Stay down kid,” Steve yelled as the redhead tried to approach, stopping short as a bullet whizzed by her.
The three guards in front of her dropped like flies as she used her body weight to kick one in the side of the head while bringing the other two down. She stood up, listening to their groans alongside the telltale explosions from Barton’s arrows.
A crackling in their headset sounded in a voice that may have been the god of thunders.
“Thor, status report!” Steve, hearing the same thing asked over coms.
“The girl tried to warp my mind. Take special care, I doubt a human could keep her at bay,” the god sounded slightly distant as he continued, “Fortunately, I am mighty.”
The Russian kept her eyes on the last remaining soldiers, trying her best to watch out for one of the twins. She moved quickly and quietly, coming up to stun the men with her bites. The last had just fallen when a film covered her eyes.
She glanced around, the ship was covered in dust, dirt, and grime, there was no doubt her shower tonight would include eye drops to clear out whatever had just gotten in her eyes. Natasha thought about asking Maria if she had some already or if she would need to pick some up on the way home as she reached the staircase.
Her hand grazed over the banister, only as she looked down, it wasn't the metal interior of the ship. She blinked once, then twice, and fought the rising bile in the back of her throat. This wasn’t the staircase on the ship. No, this was a staircase she knew all too well.
Over and over she tried to stop her feet from moving, but she couldn’t, and soon she wasn’t just walking on the old polished wood floors, but onto marble. It was a surface she knew without having to touch. The biggest pain on days when her body was thrown into it again and again, and the biggest relief that she would lay against as the bruises on her body screamed for a cold surface.
She approached the room on feet that carried her without her will. The wooden door in front of her allowed her to watch the ballet practice through the glass in the center of it. It was a Wednesday, she automatically knew as she took in the setup. A group of 6 big girls danced, a group of 6 little girls watched, their hands perfectly in their laps, their hair in one single braid.
Her breath came in ragged gasps as she stood and watched, it was wrong, all of it was wrong. The guard behind her didn’t scold her for approaching the glass, the widows walking next to her didn’t keep their heads up as they reached the staircase. Natasha’s skin broke out in sweat as one voice sounded from the room in front of her.
“Again!” Sergei yelled from where he tapped his bamboo rod against the marble.
She could tell, just in one word, that he would hit them today. The widows in front of him would be in for a world of pain. Only, they weren’t just any widows she noticed with a gasp that left her reeling.
Yelena’s stone-cold eyes shot to hers for just a moment as she got into 5th position, her hands more like claws above her head. Natasha shook her head as her eyes pricked with tears, she needed to do something. She scanned the room, looking to see if she could realistically take them all on to save her baby sister.
That was when she saw her, smaller than all the rest, and in pain, Elizavetta sat in the last row of the little girls. Her eyes were trained on Yelena. The horror that filled Natasha’s body had her on the verge of dry heaving, but something else came out of her mouth.
“You’ll break them.” The redhead said. Them. Yelena and Ellie. The woman next to her would break them.
Rose and hairspray filled her nostrils, she knew the woman without ever having to look at her. In fact, she preferred not to as she continued to try and find a way to get her kids out.
“Only the breakable ones,” Madame B said cooly, “You are made of marble. We'll celebrate after the graduation ceremony.”
“What if I fail?” Natasha blinked and she was back in the training room.
No- she couldn’t be here, not with the two still downstairs. Only she looked down at her clothes and realized she was no longer in her uniform. Or at least not her Avengers uniform. No this was the too thin, too uncomfortable shirt and pants she wore for nearly 18 years of life.
Her hands moved with practiced ease as she sent round after round into the target in front of her, flipping from her right to left hand and reloading mid-air. She knew what was coming from the nightmares where she would relive this movement. Blinking once more, the target changed into a man with a burlap sack over his head. Her last kill before the ceremony.
“You never fail.” Madame B informed her as two guards moved toward her.
The man’s body hung limp from where Natasha shot him. She felt the bile raise in her throat. One step closer to where this day would end. Not daring to talk back, she followed the wicked woman into the next room.
Two widows were on her in an instant, she subdued them both and braced herself for the next round. The first was a guard she knew well, she placed her thighs around his throat until he passed out. It was a compromising angle, one she had chosen for that exact reason that day.
Another guard picked her up from behind, as the first hit the ground. She put up a fight, giving it most of her energy until she thought the woman in front of her would deem her unfit to graduate. Natasha waited until right before she was going to pass out as she tapped the man's forearm, getting him to release her.
“Sloppy. Pretending to fail,” Madame B tisked, “the ceremony is necessary for you to take your place in the world.”
And just like she had said that day, the redhead heard the words tumble out of her mouth “I have no place in the world.”
“Exactly.”
Another blink and her body was forced down on the cold metal gurney that wheeled her closer and closer to the operating theater. She thrashed, she wouldn’t go down without a fight, not if it meant losing part of her, not if it meant Ellie and Yelena would be left behind.
“No!” she screamed out, biting the man who shoved a piece of awful-smelling cloth into her mouth.
Her voice was hoarse as she continued to scream, the surgeon coming into view. She thrashed and screamed as the smell of anesthesia and blood came rushing into her nose.
“Tasha,” the man picking her up and placing her on the table said.
Only that wasn’t what he said that day. Because no one called her Tasha in the room. No one called her Tasha but-
The redhead blinked and blinked and blinked, the operating theater drifting in and out of her vision. The man who moved her onto the table slowly morphed as well, no longer brunette and cold, now it was her best friend.
“You’re safe, and you’re free, you’re not there anymore Tasha,” he murmured into her ear as he held her.
It was the same thing he said to her every time she had a nightmare. The archer paused for a moment before speaking to someone who wasn’t close to them.
“Well, that's not gonna happen. Not for a while. The whole team is down, you got no backup here,” he readjusted his grip on her and glanced down again.
“Clint?” her voice was wear as she spoke.
“Come on, Tash,” he placed a kiss on her temple and stood up, putting most of her weight on his shoulders.
The sun outside was still high as they walked from the ship and back into the densely green setting of the location where the quinjet was parked. Steve entered first, looking around for something or someone, she didn’t care. The chair under her was cold and dug into her leg as she sat there. Cold. It was cold. Cold like the table was when-
“Hey, hey,” Clint placed his hand on her thigh as he knelt in front of her, “you’re safe.”
“Lena,” was the only word he could get out. She had left her behind, left her in the room where her mind- her mind- it was- it must have been how she was feeling right now- right- right….
“Lena,” she said again, not sure if she had said it out loud the first time. She must have given how fast the phone in her hand was connected to the blonde.
“God, do you know how-” whatever her younger sister was going to say was cut off by Clint.
“Yelena, Tasha's mind was fucked with, she’s here, she’s safe but-” Now it was his turn to be cut off.
“Give her the phone,” Yelena ordered and Natasha held it up to her ear.
“Sister?” the blonde asked in their mother tongue, “you there Natty?”
“Yeah-” she choked back a sob.
“Good, that’s real good, just focus on my voice okay?”
“I- I left you and I left Elizavetta and-” she couldn’t finish the sentence.
“Hey, what’d I just say?” Yelena laughed, airy and bright, “Just me okay? I know when your mind gets messed with it’s so easy to sip back into the bad, but focus on me.”
“Ellie-”
“Is just fine. Let me see, okay it’s two here so it’s 7am there. I bet Rat is getting ready for school right now,” her sister commented, “probably trying to brush Lihos teeth or refusing to let your girlfriend make her anything but peanut butter waffles.”
For the first time, Natasha smiled at the thought, that’s probably exactly what was happening in the apartment right now.
“Which, I mean is the right thing to do,” Yelena commented, “I’m in this cafe right now and they have a ton of different pastries, maybe I’ll go up and see if any of them are peanut butter related.”
The redhead listened as the blonde went through the cafe, naming off the items she knew and ones she didn’t switching to German as she paid for her food and drink. They were already in the air by the time she was in a state to hang up.
It was hard to tell if her girlfriend's voice was real, or some other twisted part of her mind as she heard it.
“The news is loving you guys, nobody else is. There's been no official call for Banner's arrest,’ Maria sighed, “but it's in the air.”
“Stark Relief Foundation?” Tony’s voice was quiet as he spoke.
“Already on the scene. How's the team? How’s Na-” the brunette started but was cut off by Stark who gave her a fast glance.
“Everyone's...we took a hit. We'll shake it off.”
Maria’s voice was once again far away as she responded, “Well for now I'd stay in stealth mode, and stay away from here.”
Natasha tried to regain focus but wasn’t able to clear her mind properly by the time the conversation was over, no matter how badly she wanted to yell and call for her girlfriend.
It was a little while later before Tony’s voice came floating in once more, taking to Clint “A few hours from where?”
“A safe house.”
That was all she needed to know to fall back into the haze of her mind, drifting into sleep as her best friend got them to safety.
It was the slow descent that brought her back to reality, the memory of the Room still lingering but Natasha pushed it down, down, down until it was tucked away with all the rest of her nightmares. The quinjet landed and it took her less than a second to realize where they were, raising a questioning eyebrow to Clint as if to say, you really trust them to bring them home?
The archer shrugged back in his own silent response, we had nowhere else to go.
They all walked off the jet, other than the spies, no one had a clue of where they were or what to expect. Something that was written across each of the men's faces even more so as they walked into the house Natasha could pick out from smell and sound alone.
“Hi, company,” Clint was the first in the door, “Sorry I didn't call ahead.”
“Hey,” Laura’s soft, warm voice filtered in through the living room, her arms looping around her husband.
“This is an agent of some kind,” Tony guessed, something that actually wasn’t far from the truth.
“Gentleman, this is Laura.” Clint beamed as he showed off his very pregnant wife.
“I know all your names,” the mom of two gave a small smile and placed her hand on her stomach.
Tony and Steve both gawked, unaware of what was about to happen as tiny feet raced in through the back door. The memory of the Room came back in full force, and Natasha shook her head. This was real, this was happening now. She plastered on a smile.
Clint smiled and braced himself as both Cooper and Lila ran into the room “Ooh, incoming.”
“Daddy,” Lila smiled from where she pushed her face into the man's body.
“Hi, sweetheart,” he smiled right back as he kissed the top of Cooper’s head “Hey, buddy, how you guys doing?”
Stark and Steve murmured to each other, all the Russian could think of was going home and laying the same affection onto Ellie.
As if Lila could read her mind she pushed away from her father and asked “Did you bring Auntie Nat?”
The redhead smiled softly and braced herself for impact, “why don't you hug her and find out?”
The little girl raced over as quickly as her little legs could move her until she was in Natasha’s deep embrace. She inhaled the little girl’s shampoo and propped her up on her hip, only half listening to Clint explain how Fury had helped him set up the Farm all those years ago.
“Honey,” Laura gave a sad smile as she approached the spy, reading the toll the day had taken on her etched into her face, “I missed you.”
Not wanting to talk about it, she deflected with a hand to the woman’s stomach, “How's little Natasha, huh?”
She looked up at the woman with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
Laura only cringed back as she answered, “She's…Nathaniel.”
The Russian groaned, she now owed Maria $10 and looked at the woman’s stomach once more before whispering, “Traitor.”
Laura laughed and brought the woman in for a sidelong hug, “How about you go take a shower, call Ria, and decompress?”
“I-” Natasha started to argue but then shook her head, that was exactly what she needed right now.
She placed Lila back down and headed for the stairs, not paying attention to her body as she went through the motions she had done so many times before. The stash of clothes she always kept in the house was folded and cleaned in the bottom drawer of the dresser in the room she and Maria slept in each time they stayed. Ellie tended to stay on the bottom bunk of Cooper’s bunk beds, she smiled to herself wondering which of the Avengers would get that privilege.
Her shower was warm and welcoming as she washed off the event of the day. They hadn’t done anything useful on the mission, in fact, they had caused more damage than they ever had. She turned the water to cold for the rest of her shower. They had failed.
She wasn’t sure how long she stayed under the icy spray, how long she relived those moments of the Red Room before her phone buzzed from where it sat on the bathroom sink. The water was off and a towel around her in an instant once she was able to see who was calling.
“Tash?” Maria asked after she picked up, unable to form the words she desperately wanted to say.
“Tasha you there?” Maria asked again.
She made a noise between a choke and a sob, but it was rough for her girlfriend to understand.
“Oh, mi amore,” the woman sighed, “what happened?”
“We lost,” she finally got out.
Maria hummed, “But you all made it to the farm, you all got out and stayed safe.”
There was a pause before the woman continued, “Lean called me… there’s more going on than just losing this round huh?”
“I- I failed them too,” Natasha’s voice fully broke this time as big tears faced down her face.
“You didn’t fail them, Tasha, you were just a kid, you had to survive and get out so you could get them out,” Maria spoke softly, “and you did. You got them out and you took down that awful place so that no one ever has to experience what you all went through.”
“But I failed them, I could have done more, I could have gotten them out sooner I-” she sobbed, “what if they had been in the building that day?”
She could picture the entire city block she and Clint had leveled the day they thought they had taken down the Red Room. The day she had sacrificed Antonia- the day she had thought she had beaten them-
“Hey, hey,” Maria called out, “Tasha, listen.”
“Natasha,” she tried again as the redhead gasped for breaths, her body feeling otherworldly.
“She wasn’t there, neither of them were, it was a tough call-” Maria let out a breath, she herself had been on the committee to make the decision to use the Drekov girl as guaranteed collateral, “you were there to do your job and help girls who wouldn’t have gotten out without it.”
“You went through unimaginable hardships Tasha, ones that will stay with you forever but know that they made you into such an incredible person. A person who I am so grateful to love every day, a person I will forever be grateful to call mine,” the brunette dropped her voice, “Without you Tasha? I know I wouldn’t be here.”
Natasha came back into her body as she listened to the woman on the other end of the phone.
“You’ve saved my ass in the field, and in meetings, and on days when my biggest enemy is myself. You-” Maria swallowed, “Without you, I know Kyra wouldn’t have had the courage to leave the room, to know it was possible to get Ellie out.”
“You gave me the biggest gift of my life, one that I can’t fathom to repay, but will spend every day reminding you of all the good you do in this world,” the Commander steadied herself, “so maybe you can feel a fraction of how much you have done for me.”
“But we failed,” she felt like a child as the words came out.
“And you’re going to fail again someday,” Maria hummed, “Maybe against Ultron, maybe some distant day in the future. But you’re still going to have me and Yelena, and Ellie in your corner, you’re still going to have us to come home to.”
There was a pause between the two of them, the Russian wished more than anything that she could curl up on the couch with the brunette at that very moment.
“I know that today was hard and that your mind is fighting you right now,” the woman’s voice was warm as she spoke, “but just keep fighting it, keep reminding yourself that it was those moments who made you who you are now. It was those moments that shaped the woman who I love so fiercely it hurts. It was those moments who created the woman who Ellie and Yelena and Clint and Laura and the kids and so many other people love.”
Maria waited for another moment before adding, “Keep fighting Tasha, and when it gets too much to handle, know that I’m here to carry the load with you.”
She blinked away the tears that threatened to spill over and took a deep breath. They sat in relative silence for a moment longer, neither wanting to push the delicate web of safety they had woven together. The only thing that brought her back to reality was a small knock on the door.
"I gotta go, Ria," Natasha sighed, "call you later."
"you do that," Maria replied, the Russian could practically see the smile on her face.
Natasha stood up and answered the door.
"Hey, just wanted to see if there was any hot water left?" Banner held up his towel.
She thought back to the icy spray she had pulled herself out of a gave a sad smile, "should still be a little left."
The scientist smiled at her, "Thanks."
"AUNTIE NAT!" Lila called from the base of the stairs, "I NEED HELP GETTING SPRINKLES!"
"Duty calls," the redhead smiled and softly closed the door behind her.
She walked down and scooped up the little girl, placing her on her hip as they entered the kitchen.
"It's Fury, he'd probably just look at the wood and it'd split," Laura spoke to her husband as she looked out the window above the sink.
Natasha crept up and looked at the three men in the far-off barn. Sure enough, Tony and Steve were splitting logs while Fury talked to them.
"He'd tell you it's weak wood for cracking under pressure," she spoke and both adults whirled around smiling.
"You doing okay sweetheart?" Laura placed a hand on her shoulder.
"I'm... better now," Natasha nodded.
She found she was always better after talking to Maria, no matter what. And for now, that would have to be enough.