The Night Before The Night Before Christmas
“Hey Ria,” Natasha’s face came onto the screen, “I wanted to let you know that we just landed and we’re going to head out to the property soon, so if you don’t hear from me for a while that’s why.”
The video message was already 2 hours old, still, Maria had forgotten just how much she loved getting them no matter how old they were, this one included. As she rolled over in the first light of day she couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Natasha walked through a crowd of people all speaking different Slavic languages as snow fell slowly around her, pieces sticking in her hair in stark contrast as her eyes glanced around quickly.
There was a sharp, two-toned whistle, one that Natasha responded to in her own two tones before a blur of blonde was on the screen, seemingly out of breath.
“Please Maria Hill, convince Talia to let us rent a sports car!” Yelena’s voice was loud even though her face was barely in the frame.
“I told you-” the woman started talking too quickly in Russian, the only words Maria picked up were “will not” and “road”.
“Such a buzzkill,” the blonde dipped out of the screen, sulking as she did so.
“Anyway, just wanted to update you, tell Ellie I said hi, okaybye.” A smirk was frozen on the woman's face as the video ended.
Maria had half a mind to rewatch it, but instead, she sent back a quick message.
Ria: You know my vote, a safe car is a good car. Tell Yelena I said hi.
She sent the message and finally stood from her bed, her abs protesting as she reached her arms above her head in a stretch. It had been weeks since the accident and while her recovery was going well, she still wasn’t close to being back to normal. Something she was reminded of as she made her way into the bathroom and unscrewed the lid to the painkillers.
The Commander swallowed it dry and ran a hand through the short cropping on the side of her head, the scar from where the staples had been still visible. Natasha had said the look suited her, all Maria saw was a moment of weakness, she was still trying to work on the positive mindset everyone else pushed.
Nat: Just pulled in, wish me luck.
Ria: Luck.
It was a spur-of-the-moment decision on the Rusian's behalf to leave. After her birthday and the clear signs that work was going to start ramping up again for the Avengers (smaller Hydra fires were indeed growing larger, Maria herself itched to be back in Commander mode) she had decided to escort Yelena back to Melina's farm where the blonde would spend Christmas.
Natasha had protested at first, trying to convince Yelana to stay in New York for the holidays, but for some reason, the 20-year-old dug her heels in, and soon Natasha was booking a flight alongside her sister. Maria couldn’t blame either of them, being around family at the end of the year felt important, she would have given anything to spend one more Christmas with her Abuela.
She let that thought go and refocused on Ellie and the upcoming holidays. As if on cue, she heard the distinct noise of a stool being scooted across the concrete floor of their home.
“You should still be sleeping,” Maria yawned and looked at the clock, it was barely 6am.
“You should still be sleep,” the little girl mimicked Maria’s own movements and rubbed sleep from her eyes.
The child used both hands to rub at her eyes, the on her arm cast making contact with a *thud* as it did so.
“Oh is that so?” she kissed her daughter on the top of her head and flicked on the coffee maker.
<Yes,> Ellie signed <surgery>
Clint had taught her the sign at some point, she then taught it to Maria and used it every time she wanted to get out of something. There was one thing the Commander knew for certain, her daughter was going to be a force to be reckoned with when she was a teenager.
The woman chuckled and hummed both from the painkillers that started to take effect and the truth in what the little girl communicated. She had tried to get as much rest as possible for the first two weeks, well maybe the first 10 days but after that she felt like she was going stir crazy and couldn’t do it much longer.
“Do you want to go to after-school care today?” Maria added two waffles to the toaster and looked at Ellie.
The girl gave a small smile and squinted.
“I won't be offended if you want to, I just wanted to let you know that,” the woman sighed and opened up the cabinet where the peanut butter was stashed high, “ I’ll be done with physical therapy by the time you’re out so you can come home if you want .”
“ Liam’s going to bring legos today, ” the child squinted once again, answering in Spanish with ease.
“ And you want to play with them, that’s fine ,” Maria shrugged, “ you can come home when you normally do .”
“ You’re going to miss me ?” Ellie’s big eyes locked on her mother, knowing the answer but wanting to hear it anyway.
“ I always do, but you have to go work on that big brain of yours ,” she scooped peanut butter onto the waffles and handed them to Ellie, licking the excess of the spoon herself, “ So you can be smart like Bruce or Bobbi or Tony one day .”
It was one of the reasons she would speak to the girl in as many languages as she could, Ellie had learned each word the hard way in the Room, and she wasn’t going to let her forget them just because she was lazy. Maria watched as the child ripped into her breakfast.
“Or you,” she licked a corner of her mouth and bit into the waffle in front of her.
“Oh no baby, you’ll be much smarter than me,” Maria shook her head and brought her coffee to her lips.
“But like you the most,” Ellie doubled down.
“And I like you the most,” she leaned into the counter and placed the spoon in the sink, “That’s why I want you to go and do more good in this world than I could ever do.”
This appeared to be something the little girl didn’t know how to argue with, Maria was pleased that she won the battle against the 7-year-old and opened a cabinet with a smirk. She dosed out the child’s vitamins, adding them to the countertop next to Ellie’s plate.
Predictably, the child waited for Maria to add a cup of juice next to the vitamins before downing them all with a wince. She watched her daughter for a minute longer before speaking again.
“Tasha and Yelena said hi,” the woman sipped on her drink.
“Watch?” Ellie finished off her first waffle and started on the second.
Maria mentally ran through the video, trying to remember if there were any inappropriate moments before nodding and pulling her phone out of her sweatpants. Ellie continued eating as the video played, smiling at the two sisters bickering about what car to rent.
“They’re pretty funny, huh?” she placed her phone back into her pocket and once more leaned into the countertop.
<yes> the girl signed as she focused on the food in front of her.
“You know how I asked you if it was okay if Tasha maybe was around here more often?” Maria probed, seeing if the child had remembered the conversation almost a month prior.
<yes> Ellie nodded.
“Well, a few weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to,” the woman took a deep drink as her daughter's eyes finally locked on hers.
“What did she say?” the girl cocked her head to the side.
“She said yes.”
She waited as Ellie nodded once more as if in confirmation to herself. Maria almost left the conversation there but knew she needed to get one more piece of information on the table.
“And now that she’s going to live here more…” she tried to find the right words, “do you know why people live together?”
Ellie chewed on her waffle, deep in thought before answering, “Because they are family?
A swell of pride filled Maria’s chest, “sometimes that’s why people live together, and sometimes it’s because-”
She once again sought out the right words.
“Because they are boyfriend-girlfriend,” Ellie offered with a mischievous look, “you and Tasha boyfriend-girlfriend, Mommy?”
It was a loaded question, one that made her cheeks flush as the girl with the wicked grin stared her down.
“You do this to me on purpose, don’t you?” she shook her head at the child who batted her innocent eyes at Maria, changing her facial features in an instant, “we aren’t boyfriend-girlfriend. We’re girlfriend-girlfriend.”
This seemed to stump Ellie for a moment longer, her eyebrows furrowed as she thought it through before nodding slowly, “girlfriend-girlfriend.”
“That’s right,” the woman rounded the corner and cupped the child’s face, “but no matter what, you’re always my number 1. You know that right? No matter if Natasha and I are together for a month or a lifetime. You are always my number 1.”
“Yes,” Ellie blinked up at her, big green eyes serious, “Lena is Tasha number 1?”
A single finger raised into the air as the girl asked the question.
“I think so,” she thought about it, Yelena was more the Russian’s child than her sister in a lot of aspects, “I bet you even if she didn’t admit that she had a number one, it would be Yelena.”
“Okay Mommy,” Ellie concluded and went back to eating the remainder of her waffle.
“I hope you have a great day at school Ellie,” the man called out from the front of the car.
The child turned around, slowly, and glared at the man.
“Hey,” Maria chided from where she leaned against the back door, “be nice and go learn.”
Green eyes flickered over to Maria where a grin broke out and she nodded before turning back around and racing into the building. She could just make out the pair that stood behind the front doors, a pair of glasses on one and a cast on the other.
“Sorry, Hogan,” she winced slightly as she got into the back seat, “she's not great with new people.”
It wasn't the whole truth, in fact, there were a handful of people that the girl clicked with instantly. Happy Hogian however, was not one of those people. Since the first time he tried to buckle her into her car seat, the little girl had glared nothing but daggers.
“That’s alright Ms. Hill, I’ve had worse,” the man laughed as he pulled back into dense New York City traffic, “I’ve been Starks driver for years, three of them he only spoke to me in riddles and poetry stanzas.”
She knew Stark well enough to know that the sentence wasn’t an exaggeration, he really would have done something that annoying to a man who was helpful (if not a little talkative). They pulled away from the school and made their way to the physical therapist's office a few minutes away. Maria was already dreading the session.
“Shouldn’t be more than an hour,” she tried to stand up fully as she talked to Happy, her abdomen flaring quickly in pain as she did so.
“Sounds good Ms. Hill, have a good session,” he nodded once and pulled the car away in search of parking.
The session probably wouldn’t be categorized as ‘good’ but still she knew to try and make the best out of it. As soon as she opened the door she braced herself for the slightly antiseptic-smelling, and overly bright ceiling lights.
“Hey there, how are you doing?” a young man sat behind the reception desk.
“I’m good, and yourself?” she tried not to look at the others around her who were already going through therapy motions.
“Oh, can’t complain, last name?” he looked up.
“Hill,” Maria couldn’t help but finally look at the others who were doing exercises, most of them young, all of them military.
“Great, I’ll let them know you’re here, feel free to take a seat,” the young man motioned to the group of plastic chairs by the door.
It had taken all of 5 minutes the first time she came to know what kind of physical therapy office it was. Part of her was immediately annoyed with Pepper for setting her up in a place that was so heavily associated with the military. She had gotten in a car accident, these people were coming back from tours overseas where they had gotten severely injured. Maria felt like a fraud.
“Come on back Major,” the therapist's shining smile, the way he addressed her, all of it set her on edge.
Still, she got up and followed the man. Past the young faces, past the people with missing body parts, it was like coming back after her last deployment all over again.
Forty minutes later, her body was on fire and her hands shook slightly. It was then that she remembered she wasn’t totally annoyed with Pepper, there was a push from each therapist that she couldn’t help but appreciate. A push that she didn’t think she would have gotten from another office.
“Go ahead and relax,” the therapist, Grants if she remembers correctly, took the dumbbells out of her hands as she let out a breath and suppressed the urge to slump over.
It wasn’t hard to tell Maria was making progress, each exercise that strengthened the muscles around her abs, each exercise that helped with stability, even the neck exercises that helped with the whiplash she had sustained, all made her feel more stable since the accident.
“Alright, last set,” he smiled and held up 25-pound dumbbells, “let’s see if we can up the weight a little.”
The brunette took a weight in each hand and prepared herself for another set. She waited until the physical therapist glanced at his watch and nodded to her, then stood to full height before lowering herself back to the seat and standing up once more.
Five reps, then ten passed before she felt it, the complete exhaustion and thrumming pain in her temple. She wondered if she had any pain pills left in her pocket as she gritted her teeth and stood, if not a little unstable. She sat back down, readjusted her grip, and went to stand once more before a hand was placed on her shoulder.
“Let’s call it there,” Grants smiled.
“I can keep going,” the Commander said between breaths.
“Let’s not push a good thing,” the man took the weights out of her hand.
She would have gotten up and stormed off, back to Hogan and the car, if her vision hadn’t blurred. So instead she sat still and waited for it to pass, curing the therapist in her mind as she did so.
“You did well today,” he smiled, “I know it can be hard to see improvements from day to day, but the numbers don’t lie.”
Maria watched as he tapped the clipboard in her hands, she suppressed a sigh.
“How ya feeling?” Grants wasn’t going to let her steep in annoyance apparently.
“Fine,” she lied.
“You look like you’re in a bit of pain to me,” he cocked his head to the side, “in fact, you look like you’re in pain every time you come in here.”
He moved and handed her a nearby ice pack for her to hold to her incision site just as he did after every session. It was good, it meant she only had 10 minutes left. 10 minutes to try and keep the conversation as short as possible.
“Sometimes,” she gave a small nod and lied again. She was in pain, she was in pain most of the day which included her sessions in this building.
“Just sometimes, huh?” Grants narrowed his gaze, “How ya dealing with that pain?”
“Listen, I deal with the pain, I come in to work on rehabilitation and stability, and I’m working on returning to daily life,” she stared the man down, “there’s not much else to it.”
He was smart enough to look back down at his clipboard before he sighed and met her gaze once more.
“Major Hill, do you know why you were assigned to me?”
She assumed it was on a first come first serve basis and that he had an opening when she was referred to the clinic. However, she didn’t say any of this, instead, she just returned the look and tried to focus on the cool surface of the ice pack.
“I specialize in physical rehabilitation of patients with substance use disorder.” Grants gave a small, somewhat pitiful smile.
Maria said nothing.
“My boss gave me your file after she took a look at your medical history. She assigned me to your case after seeing your prolonged use of prescription painkillers following your last tour overseas.”
Her jaw was clenched so hard she thought her teeth might crack. She had moved to SHIELD, and they had taken their own medical intake, at which point she had been sober for 3 months and never mentioned the addiction that followed her for months in the Army after losing her friends. It seemed this clinic had information that predated her last job, that would have to change.
“Now, I’m not telling you that you’re relapsing,” he shook his head, “but I am telling you that you have 1 refill, maybe two left if I’m wrong.”
He was wrong, she had already filled her last prescription and had made plans to find another pharmacy to fill it once more. She knew the game, she needed the pills, and she was still in pain.
“You’re going to fill that and try to find another pharmacy to fill it again, but that’s not going to work this time. Pharmacies have changed since the early 2000s, they all talk to each other now and they won't fill it again without a physician's signature.”
She would just find another doctor.
“And you can try and find another doctor, talk to them about your pain and how you just need one more refill,” the man shook his head, “maybe it will work. But at the end of the month, you and I are going to be right here again.”
Maria thought about getting up and walking out right then and there.
“Or, we can work with what you have left and slowly wean you off as you get stronger in here,” he shrugged, “I’ll tell you right now, I have a fantastic success rate and I don’t think you want to go down this path again.”
The clinic continued to buzz around them as people talked and others worked on movements, but the only thing she was focused on was the man in front of her. She gave the smallest nod she could.
“How many do you have left?”
“27.” She didn’t need to count, he knew she didn’t.
“We can work with that,” he nodded.
Maria listened as the timer rang out, she removed the ice pack and stood up.
“I’ll see you on Thursday Major Hill,” Grants gave her another smile and watched as she made her way to the reception desk and added the appointment.
She wasn’t going to go down this path again, she was going to end it before it started. Still, it didn’t keep her from placing a pill in her mouth and swallowing it dry on the way back to the car.
Every session after brought her to the realization that the small habit was indeed becoming an addiction, one she didn’t want to discuss with anyone but Grants who helped her through it. Day after day Maira decreased the number of pills she took and increased the number of repetitions she did of different exercises.
By the night before Christmas Eve, she was down to one pill a day. Something that she was oh so aware of as she sat with Ellie in her lap as the little girl talked to the Bartons virtually, willing herself to stay in the moment and not turn to numb it all away.
“Auntie Nat isn’t coming?” the current youngest Barton watched Ellie, who shook her head, on screen.
“She is with Lena,” the 7-year-old sighed as she spoke back to the girl on the tablet.
Seeing their pictures next to each other was another reminder of one thing. Maria’s kid was small, it was something she had fully come to terms with at this point. Still, the difference in size of the children 3 years apart was a sight to see.
“Coop you want to come say hi?” Laura asked from where she held the device still, Lila in her lap as she spoke.
“Hi, Ria!” Cooper came flying into the screen smiling the entire time as he saw the other person, “Hi Lellie.”
“Hi Cooper,” the little girl beamed and played with the ends of her braids.
“You guys aren’t coming?” the blonde boy asked.
“No, because of mommy’s brain surgery.”
A pang of guilt hit the woman as she watched the conversation unfold. She wouldn’t be cleared to fly for another 2 weeks, something she had really only come to realize since decreasing her intake of opioids.
“Ria can I see your scar?” both Barton children leaned into the camera.
She chuckled and turned her head to the side, showing the long crescent shape that sat in contrast to the cropped hair around it.
“Cool,” they said in unison.
“Rogers and Barnes staying local?” Clint plopped down next to his wife, his shirt covered in wood shavings.
“Steve said they were going to go volunteer at the VA for the holidays but I don’t know what their plans are for Christmas itself,” she shrugged and recalled what he had said a few days before, “Tony and Pepper are headed to the Bahamas.”
“Why don’t you take me to the Bahamas?” Laura whipped around and looked at her husband who snorted.
“Because then we would all miss out on the totally normal amount of food you’ve been making.”
He scooted away and shook his head, wide-eyed at Maria who stifled a laugh. She had heard from both Clint and Natasha about the woman's newest pregnancy behavior which included making copious amounts of food though the woman herself could only eat crackers and other bland items.
“Well I don’t want you all to starve!” the kids in the woman’s lap cringed.
The archer got up and kissed the woman on the cheek, “I wouldn’t change your pregnancy brain for anything.”
“Don’t lie,” Laura threw her arm back and hit Clint square in the chest, not having to look.
“I’m not! But I am going to go shower,” he kept his distance.
“Thank you, you smell like outside,” the mom of two nodded.
“Bye Ria!” Clint called from off-screen.
“We should go too, I need to start on dinner,” Laura nodded to herself, “I’ll call you later, Ria.”
“Sounds good, bye kids,” Maria waved alongside Ellie and hung up the call, “dinner?”
“Little meats?” the child held her fingers up in a pinching motion.
“Yeah,” she nodded, “we can make meatballs.”
The two of them walked into the kitchen that was restocked almost daily, Maria wasn’t sure she was ever going to get used to that and pulled out all of the ingredients. The woman turned on music and they worked in comfortable silence as she handed Ellie ingredients that were dumped into the bowl before the child winced slightly and stuck her hands in the mixture to roll out tiny, perfect, meatballs. It was moments like this that stuck in Maria’s mind the most and she internally thanks Grants for making sure her mind was clear enough to create a memory of this.
She leaned back into her chair and smiled as Ellie raced around later that evening. The weather outside had been awful the entire day and so they had found ways to stay entertained late into the evening. In this particular game, Ellie knew she wasn't allowed to play with other people and so she savored each second.
“Ready?” The Commander held her hand up high, a SHIELD stress ball inside of it.
The girl nodded, her braids fuzzy and face pink.
“Go,” Maria released the ball and watched as in a blink of an eye Ellie stepped into one portal and out of another one right as the ball hit the ground.
An exasperated noise came out of the child as she threw her head back.
“You can do it,” the woman encouraged her.
“Too fast!” Ellie shook her head but still walked back to the starting spot.
They played the game with some frequency, never with anyone else, always before bedtime because of the sheer exhaustion it caused the child. As with language, Maria wasn’t going to let her daughter forget how to use something that was forced upon her.
“You’re faster, Bear,” she held the ball up once more, “ready?”
Ellie nodded, green eyes locked on the target.
“Go,” she smiled and dropped the toy.
Centimeters before it hit the ground, a ring of blue emerged and Ellie’s hand grasped it.
“See!” Maria picked her daughter up and pulled her in close, “I told you, you could do it.”
Ellie smiled, big and broad, showing off the missing teeth that dotted her smile.
“I can do it,” the girl panted.
“You can do anything,” the woman whispered into her ear.
The game had clearly come to an end as Ellie stilled in her mother's arms, the power she used having taken its price. Maria was content to just sit there for a while, taking in the comfortable weight of the girl in her arms as she thought about the changes they had gone through.
Some things, however, remained the same, including the lack of noise as another person slipped through the front door. Maria smiled as she looked at the reflection on the windows in front of her.
“Let me put her down,” She looked at the redhead who slowly approached.
Natasha, to her surprise, took the little girl out of the Commander's arms and strode silently down the hallway. It was another moment before she returned.
“Couldn’t hold out to Christmas, huh?” Maria chuckled as she opened her arms and let Natasha nestle into her chest.
“That woman knows exactly how to push my buttons,” the Russian’s voice was slightly muffled as she spoke, “like she fucking made them.”
She knew that the redhead was talking about Melina, it was the same thing she always said after coming back from the older widow's farm. Maria couldn’t quite figure out why Natasha went back as often as she did. But then again, Maria didn’t have a mom, maybe she would do the exact same thing if she were in the woman’s shoes.
“Well I’m glad you’re back,” she kissed the top of her head.
“Your incision looks a lot better,” Natasha gently skimmed the scar on the side of her head.
“Laura said the same thing,” Maria shrugged, recalling the conversation from earlier that night.
She didn’t really want to talk about it anymore, every time she did, she found herself fighting the urge to slip into the bathroom and push some of the pain away.
“That’s because Laura is smart like me,” the Russian held Maria’s hand as they walked into the bedroom.
The brunette closed the door behind them and snorted. Natasha stood in front of her, red hair muted in the dim light, green eyes still bright as ever. Her long-sleeved shirt just barely covered the top of her jeans which left Maria wanting to pull them off just to see the toned legs underneath, however, that wasn't what she focused on. Rather, she focused on the arrow necklace the Rusian always wore.
Only this time, right between the tip and the fletching, sat a single, tiny silver key. Maria had to keep from running her fingers over the birthday present.
“I missed you,” she kissed the woman, making up for the time they had spent apart.
“I didn’t want you two to be alone for Christmas, I know how much you love it,” the Russian kissed her back, “I couldn’t just let you and Ellie have the whole tower to yourself.”
“I’ll take any excuse you make,” Maria walked until her knees hit the bed and she sat down, Natasha stood between her thighs as she ran her hands through Maria’s loose hair, “I thought you were going to be gone until the end of January.”
“About that…” the green-eyed woman batted her eyelashes, “I may or may not have told Steve that I’d be moved out of the DC place by January 1st.”
“Oh?” Maria tried her best not to smile, instead, she wove her fingers through the Russian’s belt loops. Trying, and succeeding, to bring the woman impossibly closer if only to feel the weight of her physically there.
“And so, I wanted to check in with you that it would be okay for me to… ya know… move in move in,” the woman glanced away, “I wasn’t sure if you had told Ellie yet.”
“I did, the day you left actually so she’s kinda been waiting for you to get here,” the brunette looked up and smiled fully, “when were you thinking of-”
“The movers will be here by 9am.” Natasha cut her off.
She laughed this time, “okay.”
The redhead fully enveloped Maria into a hug from where she stood, her mouth placed against the Commander's head.
“With Liho.”