Atonement

Chapter Seven

“What do you mean Steve knows where I am?!”

Tony’s panicked shouting almost caught his family’s attention if it weren’t for his room being on the opposite wing of the wide balcony. His brain was telling him to end the call and pack his things but his body was frozen.

“He just left my office. He came by and asked if you were in Piemonte with your family. I asked him—calmly, if I may add—how he got that information. Steve said you mentioned them before and he only just realized the possibility today,” came Pepper’s explanation. There was a bit of an edge to her tone, though, leaving Tony feeling as if his friend was… eager?

Tony closed his eyes and breathed out shakily, “So, he knows?”

“He knows,” confirmed Pepper without missing a beat. “For what it’s worth, he promised he won’t come after you. Well… yet.”

His eyes opened wide and he gawked. Internally, he wasn’t sure if he should be relieved or disappointed. “And how did you manage to convince him?”

The woman huffed out a semi-laugh. “Oh, I didn’t. He decided that himself. He said he wanted to fix things first before running after you.” Pepper sighed. "Tony, he told me he’s going to therapy.”

Oh.

That’s surprising.

“Are you… are you sure? You’re not just having me on? C’mon, Pep. This is Steve we’re talking about. He’d dig a whole to China before coming five feet near a psychiatrist,” muttered the billionaire bitterly. He’s been trying to get his bondmate to go to therapy since before they even started dating, yet Steve always did have the ability to shift the discussion into something else. He’s a man from the 40s where being made to talk to shrinks meant you’re crazy. Didn’t matter that Steve knew things have changed and that almost everyone on his team goes to therapy. He seems to think he’ll never need one. It irked Tony a lot. But he also can’t force or manipulate Steve to go. He tried it once and the man didn’t talk to him for a week. It was a difficult time for the omega.

“I promise you, Tony. Sam’s taking him to the VA this week. Your mate even accepted my help looking for potential therapists in the area. I think he’s really serious about this. He’s been different, Tones. He’s… he’s sad all the time and Nat told me he’s been avoiding James. I’m not telling you this to make you feel guilty. Steve needs this time—this space between you two, and I’m not sure he’d have asked for help if you haven’t left.”

Tony was left speechless. His mind was still stuck on Steve being constantly sad. He hated it. Hated that he was the reason for Steven Grant Rogers’ grief. He hated the unfairness of it all. He shouldn’t have to shoulder this guilt because he wasn’t the one who broke up first. He’d given Steve what he wanted. He left so Steve wouldn’t have to struggle in balancing his attention between his mate and his tortured childhood buddy.

Maybe it’s the bond. Maybe Steve’s feeling this miserable because of his instincts. The last thing Tony wanted was to break their bond, but if it is the only thing stopping Steve from being happy, Tony would let it go. It will fucking hurt both physically and mentally, but as long as it wouldn’t hurt his baby boy, Tony was willing. He’d do anything to make Steve happy.

“Tony?” Pepper’s worried tone snapped Tony out of his thoughts.

“I’m still here,” he responded wearily.

Pepper must have misunderstood Tony’s silence as worry because her tone changed to sympathy. “He’s going to be alright, Tony.”

“I hope so, Pep. I really do.”

He should have told Pepper his real worries. He should have told her he’s scared that Steve’s only feeling what he’s feeling because of the bond.

But in typical Tony Stark fashion, he didn’t.

Instead, Tony ended the call and laid on his bed, staring at the 30-year-old glow-in-the-dark stars glued to his ceiling. He closed his eyes and tried to reach for the bond, wanting to know if it was still as strong as he last sought it out months ago before everything turned to shit.

Steve would know Tony was trying to reach him, but that was something Tony was willing to risk. After all, the man already knew where he was. What did he have left?

Tony prepared himself for disappointment. There was always the possibility that Steve had closed the bond from his side. He’s expecting silence, just so when it does greet him, he won’t get heartbroken.

Yet, when do things ever go the way Tony expects them when it comes to Steve?

It felt different now. Especially because of the prolonged distance. But even with that factor, Tony couldn’t help but sob when he felt the gushing love and concern from across the ocean. Steve must have been trying to reach him several times before because Tony was suddenly hit by the ferocity of varying emotions—most of them relief, happiness, and guilt.

They couldn’t talk through the bond. It wasn’t like telepathy or like calling through a phone. Bonds can only share strong emotions and send distress calls.

But it was enough.

For more than four months, it was the first time Tony felt hope things would turn out okay.

**

When Steve felt the tug of the bond opening, he fell onto his knees in the middle of the living room.

He’d almost forgotten what it felt like. So wonderful and refreshing, like a glass of ice-cold water on the hottest day of summer.

Steve had been trying to reach Tony through the bond since the night he left. It was always closed-off. Sure, there were some emotions that seeped through, but they weren’t even close to being enough to truly decipher.

This time, though. This time, Steve was certain. The first emotion he felt reaching him wasn’t very encouraging. Tony was anxious and scared. He immediately pushed all the love and concern he could until the anxiety and fear turned to relief and utter joy.

He hadn’t felt this happy in a long time. Suddenly, he wished the bond could make them talk to each other. He was desperate to hear his mate’s voice; to whisper his love and comfort.

But he was willing to take what he could get.

He sat there on the polished wooden floor for what felt like hours, crying and smiling like a lunatic at the mere feel of his bondmate’s emotions.

“Oh my god, Tony. Oh, my love. I miss you so much,” whispered Steve to the empty room, fully knowing Tony couldn’t hear him but pretended he could either way.

When he finally got ahold of himself, he clumsily ran for his phone on the coffee table where he left it before going to the gym and dialed Tony’s number for the sixth time that day, hoping he’d answer for once. It rang and it rang, but Tony still didn’t pick up. Steve didn’t have it in himself to feel irritated. He was disappointed, yes, but the happiness of their bond reopening after four long months was stronger.

There were days when he had almost given up on believing that Tony would ever come back. It was so hard hanging onto something so uncertain. Everyone around him kept telling him things would turn out okay. Everyone was so confident of Tony coming home. Days turned to weeks turned to months, and Steve was losing faith.

But now…

Steve knew Pepper told Tony as soon as he left her office, but he wasn’t expecting something coming out of it this quick. And he especially didn’t dare expect Tony to reach out through their bond. He found himself hanging on to every burst of emotion. Tony could close the bond in a second, and Steve wouldn’t have any way to reopen it from his part. He’d have to cherish it for as long as Tony allows.

The thing was: Tony didn’t close it at all. A quick calculation led Steve to believe it was almost midnight in Italy. Tony could have fallen asleep without cutting connection, but that would have meant Tony will close the bond first thing in the morning. Steve didn’t sleep all night knowing he could have had hours left before Tony wakes up.

And then he felt an immense shift in emotion around three in the morning, letting him know Tony had finally woken up. He sat up from the foldable cot in Tony’s workshop in alarm and braced himself for the loss.

But it didn’t happen. Instead, he felt comfort through the bond and a little bit of relief. The sensations weren’t as strong as when they first appeared but after months of not feeling the connection, he can easily distinguish the difference.

Even though he hadn’t slept at all, he felt as if he had just woken up from a deep, relaxing sleep after a week-long battle. Nat was surprised when she groggily entered the common floor kitchen and found Steve eating Fruity Pebbles. Sam almost tried to convince Bruce to have their friend checked out for a concussion when the blond Super-soldier smiled at him.

“Okay, Rogers. Spill,” Nat hissed suspiciously. “Please tell me you don’t have a flight today to god knows wherever Tony is.”

Steve raised both hands innocently and glanced at the red-head as if he was offended. “Of course, not. I didn’t know eating colorful, overly sweet cereal is a crime nowadays.”

“You smiled, Steve,” said captain obvious, Sam Wilson.

“Oh, is that a crime, too?” Jesus, his friends are being weird.

Bucky growled and pinched him on the arm using his metal fingers, causing Captain America to yelp embarrassingly.

“What’d you do that for?!”

“You’re such a punk! Tell us what’s got you so happy or I’ll tell them what happened summer of ’36.”

Steve gaped at his best friend, forgetting the fact that he ignored him for months. “You wouldn’t!”

Bucky leveled him with a glare. “Try me.”

“Yes, please do, Barnes. I want to hear this,” inserted Clint with a pleased grin, seemingly only arriving from the looks of his nest of a hair and wrinkled shirt.

The brunette simply raised a brow and waited for Steve’s decision. Not that Steve would choose the latter, anyway. Bucky knew that. Steve knew that. Hell, possibly everyone in the room knew that even if none actually knew what happened in summer of ’36.

Steve sighed and dragged his palm over his face, unable to stop the grin from forming when he felt Tony’s curiosity from the bond.

“I’m feeling him again,” came Steve’s giddy announcement, eliciting gasps from his friends. “Tony opened the bond last night and hadn’t closed it since. I can feel him again.”

The sheer joy in Steve’s voice brought delight to the remaining Avengers team. It’s been so long since they heard Steve’s natural easy-going personality. Steve immediately felt guilty for the rough time he had his friends go through dealing with him.

Of course, Tony’s comforting presence quickly covered the guilt and Steve felt calm again, leaving Steve a hunking ray of sunshine.

“Is he okay? What’s he feeling? Is he coming home?” Bruce asked one question after another, surprising the hell out of everyone including Steve. Their resident doctor (How many times do I have to tell you, my doctorate is in Nuclear Physics. Not medicine!) barely speaks up, especially not before his morning tea.

“He’s okay. I think he’s okay,” replied Steve. “We haven’t talked. He still doesn’t answer his phone but I can’t feel pain or hurt from the bond, thank god.”

Sam shook his head as if trying to clear his thoughts. “How did this happen, Steve? You ran out on us yesterday and had JARVIS put the penthouse on lockdown. The last thing you told us what that you know where Tony is.”

“I went to Pepper. Told her I knew where my mate is and promised I won’t come after him. I knew she was gonna tell Tony. I was hoping for it, actually. I didn’t know what my goal was, then. I just… I just wanted some reaction from him,” the serious look on Steve’s face was broken with a soft tilt of his lips. “And I got it.”

“I’m happy for you, Cap,” said Natasha, a small smile on her face.

Everybody went quiet for a second until Clint cleared his throat, “So, what now?”

**

Tony was evidently in a good mood when he came down from his room and greeted his hung-over relatives, much to their agony.  He had just made contact with his Alpha—something he thought he’d never do willingly— and it wasn’t anything like he expected. How could he not be happy about that?

Steve loved him. Loves him.

He thought about severing the connection as soon as he realized it was still open, but his baby boy suddenly gave him a hard kick. Like he knew his daddy was there. Tony then realized he couldn’t do it. Not to Steve. Not to their son. And not to himself. It was the first time in a long time that he felt the love he almost forgot existed.

Steve might be a thousand miles away, but this way, he could still be there for Tony and their son.

And someday. Someday, Tony will have the courage to go further than opening the bond. Because now he understands that while Steve may truly not mean what he said that night—that he wanted their relationship over, it’s important to make him realize and fix his own mistakes.

Leaving the tower, the country, wasn’t necessary. He knew that. But staying close was too dangerous. The distance was able to give him a perspective on the mechanics of their relationship. He was always in love with Steve. Too in love, others would say. In all their fights before, he was too quick to forgive his alpha. Tony would take one look at the startling blue eyes and all he can suddenly think of is how much he loves Steve.

This time, his weakness couldn’t be used against him. When he forgives his alpha, it would be on his terms alone.  

“What’s got you all cheery?” asked Alberto, bringing him a slice of leftover cream cake from last night.

Tony accepted it with a grin. “I felt the baby truly kick this morning.”

The older omega’s eyes lit up in excitement. “Really? Oh, darling, the first one is always special. I still remember when I felt Marco kick the first time. Lorenzo looked so ugly when he cried.”

“That hasn’t changed, has it?” snickered Tony.

Alberto patted his thigh with a smirk, “Not at all.”

The silence between them that followed was comforting. He could hear the bustling in the kitchen to prepare lunch and the laughter from the children upstairs. If he’d listened closer, there might even be some groaning and whining from his hung-over cousins in the living room.

“Do you think Steve would love this baby as much as Zio Lorenzo loves Marco, Gianni, and Sofia?” Tony asked, cutting through the peace.

“I do not know this Alpha of yours enough to give you an answer, Antonio, but from the way you have described him to me these past months, I doubt a man like that could ever not love his own child.”

Smiling softly, Tony covered his bump with his palms. There was a sudden, small amount of annoyance shared through the bond and he instinctively reached out to question his alpha’s emotions. It didn’t take long for Steve to change the annoyance to mischief and happiness so Tony quickly dismissed it as probably having something to do with their friends.

“I’ve opened the bond last night, you know?” said Tony out loud. “I didn’t actually expect him to just let me in after the long period of silence. I especially didn’t expect the devotion and longingness that followed. It was… reassuring.”

“Love, my dear child, real love does not go away in a blink of an eye. You have not taken that love away from him when you left, just as he has not made yours disappear when he made that mistake. You both have many things to discuss and decide, especially with this little one on the way. Have you told him about the baby yet?”

“We haven’t talked. I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

Alberto kissed him on the forehead and looked him in the eye. “If you wait until you’re ready, Antonio, you’ll end up waiting for the rest of your life.”