Don’t hate me
“You are too crazy, kid. Relax for two seconds, will you?”
“I don’t want to relax. I want to play. Where’s Morgan?” Peter crawled across the grassy patch, over to a tree and licked the stone. Tony didn’t even bother saying anything to him. He was doing that on purpose, Tony thought. They took his pacifier away after he woke up and now he was licking everything and putting everything in his mouth for no reason. “Morgan! Where are you?”
“I think she’s in the house, bubs.” She was. She was getting changed into a dress so she and Tony could go on a daddy daughter date. Morgan had been begging for one for a few days now and Tony really struggled to find the time but this morning was perfect.
They all just ate lunch. Peter was in a good mood and would be put down for a nap in a bit, it was the best time to leave.
“I’m going to go look for her.”
“No, come here. I want to tell you something.” Peter didn’t know they would be going out for a bit. The plan was to distract him so Tony and Morgan could sneak away then when he asked where they went, everyone would tell him they just went out but will be back in a few minutes. It was rude, but it was the only way.
Peter would want to join otherwise.
“Tell me from here.”
“No. Just come. Come here.” Tony waved his arms over. Peter was smart, he knew it was a trap.
But he was still going to fall for it.
“No. You’re just going to tell me you love me.”
“No.” Tony grabbed his hand once he was close enough to pull him onto his lap and attack his face with kisses. “I’m going to tell you I love you so sooo much.”
“Dad. Too much kisses. I’m being smothered.”
“Good.” Kissing him a few more times, Tony placed him back on his feet, patting his bum. “Alright. Go play.”
“I need to go find my sister.” And off he went, running into the house but stopped when he saw her coming down the stairs. “Morgan. There you are. I’ve been looking all around for you. Wanna make mud pies with me?”
“No. I’m going out.”
“Where’re you goin?”
“Me and dad are going… out. And you can’t come.” She ran away after that, bumping into Tony outside. “Let’s go! Let’s go! I don’t want Petey to follow us.”
“Morg. Did you tell him?” She nodded and Tony sighed. Great. This just made things so much more complicated. “Go wait by the golf cart. I’ll meet you there in a few minutes.”
Tony made eye contact with his precious boy who’s bottom lip was trembling. How was he supposed to leave that? “Hey, bubs. You need to have a nap soon.” Tony pulled a pacifier out of his pocket and gave it to him before the crying started. Yeah, Peter wasn’t asking for it but it was just easier this way.
“I can come too?”
“No. You need to nap. But when you wake up, we’re going to have so much fun.” Peter had extreme fomo. That was installed due to the trauma Steve inflicted on him. “Pep, here’s Pete.” He pointed over his shoulder at the front door, gesturing to her that he’s going to leave now.
“Do you want to see what grandma and I are baking?”
“I wan’ go with daddy.”
“Let me show you. You can be my taste tester.” Taking his hand, Pepper pulled him away, letting Tony sneak out the front door.
Morgan was probably the one with the least trauma when it came to what their family went through. She was born into a life full of grief, sadness, anger, you name it. She was truly the light they needed in the darkest moments of their life.
But she grew up hearing stories about this little boy named Peter. And whether she knew or not that he was the reason his mom cried all the time or her dad was absent and angry. Then one day she grew older than the boy on the wall and when that same boy she’s never met but heard so many stories about, showed up on their doorstep, well, that must have been so confusing for her. Especially since she was only six years old.
Maybe that’s why she acts like his older sister most of the time.
In all their minds, Peter’s still that three year old toddler they lost.
He’s just strongly there in Tony’s mind.
Now though, he got to spend some time with Morgan who was more mature than Peter in probably every way. Although she did pick up on a lot of his antics.
He started the golf cart and drove away before Peter could see them. They were going to have some lunch together at one of their favourite spots and then get some ice cream and go for a nice walk on the beach. Tony was excited but he was already missing Peter and feeling a bit guilty.
“I’m glad it’s just us so no one cries. I promise I won’t cry.”
Tony chuckled. Peter did cry a lot. “If you want to cry, cry, Morg.” He didn’t want her to think she couldn’t cry or something.
“No, I’m saying I don’t want to cry.”
That was a bit of a relief.
Sometimes it was nice to get a break from Peter. He was a bit much at times and took a lot of energy from you with his demands and clinginess.
Morgan deserved this time with him so much.
.
.
.
“Hey. You need to stay where I can see you.” Mike pointed a finger at Peter. Alice and Pepper tried to get him to nap for an hour but he would not go down for one. So, he was tasked with watching the boy as long as he wasn’t his sole responsibility. The boy was too much for him to handle alone and didn’t listen half the time.
“I can still see you.” Peter peeked his eyes out behind a coconut tree, giggling. His grandpa was so much fun.
“Peter. Stop misbehaving or I’m taking that pacifier from your mouth and cutting it in half.”
“Noooooo. Don’t!”
“Then listen, Peter. Come out where I can see you.” He wasn’t about to get up but he would cut that soother in half if he had to. Peter needed to learn that his actions had consequences. God knows his parents rarely followed through although Peter typically did listen to Tony.
Crawling out of his hiding place, he went to go sit with his grandpa and went back to digging his hole to sit in eventually. The neighbours were out and could be seen on their property through the trees, that’s why Peter wanted to go over there to watch them.
“There’s people.”
“Yeah.” Mike wasn’t listening to him.
“I can’t say hi. I won’t, kay?”
“Yeah.”
Peter grabbed his bucket and shovel and crawled over to get a better look at them. He could see two men and two women. Probably around the same age as his grandpa and grandma.
They were barbecuing something by the smell of it. He looked back at Mike but he wasn’t paying attention to him so Peter sat by the fence and watched the strangers.
.
.
.
“Do you think we can find food like this at home? It’s sooo good!”
The thing about Morgan was that she would eat pretty much anything. She wasn’t that picky. So it was so nice to order the same food as her and comp down on a cheeseburger together. Real father daughter bonding experiences. Tony loved it.
They took the long way back.
They talked about everything besides their trauma and it was so relieving to have a fun conversation with one of his children. Talks with Harley were more mature and Tony lived for those, talks with Peter were mainly him being silly and telling a funny story that confused Tony halfway through it. And Morgan, kinda like Peter’s stories but she didn’t get distracted half way through it.
When they arrived at home, Tony was itching to see his boy.
Pepper texted him to let him know Peter didn’t nap then got a picture of him painting with Alice so Tony didn’t need to worry. He couldn’t wait to see him though.
They walked into the house and although Tony absolutely loved it when Peter ran into his arms, Tony expected him to be outside or something where he couldn’t hear the front door open.
“Hey.” He kissed Pepper on the lips. “Where’s my boy?”
“Oh. You’re back already. How was it? He’s outside with my parents.”
“It was great. We had a blast. I’ll tell you about it later. I want to see Pete. He’s outside?”
“Yep. I’m just cutting up some fruit.”
Tony kissed her again then left to go outside, he could see Harley swimming in the pool and Alice was walking up from the garden towards him. “Hi Tony. How was your daddy daughter date?”
“Wonderful. Morgan would love to tell you all about it? Where’s my boy?”
Tony expected Peter to have spotted him by now.
“Oh. Um… Mike has him. They went down to the beach 30 minutes or so ago.”
She sounded so unsure but Tony walked down to the beach anyways. He could see Mike lying on a chair with a newspaper in his hands and a hole next to him. “Mike. Where’s Peter?”
“Oh. Hi Tony. Um… I believe Alice has him. He said he was going inside to find her.”
Now Tony was freaking out a bit. All the adults didn’t know where he was. What the fuck was this? “No. I just came from over there. Alice said he was with you. She said you were watching him.”
Tony’s heartbeat was picking up and he was about to go crazy. All the flashbacks of that day at the park were quickly rushing back to him. The fear you get when you don’t know where your child is, it’s like nothing else matters and you go into a trance-like state where you’re running around like a maniac trying to find your child.
“Peter?! Peter!” Tony quickly scanned the water. “Could he have gone in the ocean? Were you not watching him? Where’s my son?!”
“Hey. Calm down. He’s around here somewhere.” Mike got up to look in the hiding spot Peter was previously hiding in but he wasn’t there. There were footprints in the sand leading towards the neighbours house but then they stopped and seemed to turn back around or got trampled over.
Tony was in no mindset to listen to anyone now. He ran back towards the house and looked inside the pool then in the fountain. He read in a parenting book that if your child goes missing in or around your house, to always look in the dangerous places first. The pool, the washer and dryer, a car or trunk, bathtubs, not under the bed or in a closet, those places could wait.
He ran inside the house like a crazy man. “Where’s Peter? I can’t find him outside. Mike said he came inside to find you, Alice. Where is he?”
“No. I haven’t seen him, Tony. Did you check with Harley?”
“What do you mean you can’t find Peter?” Pepper dropped what she was doing and ran outside to check the pool. “Harley. Have you seen Peter? We can’t find him!” She barely waited for him to answer no before she was running down to the ocean and looking in the water and on the shore.
Meanwhile, Tony was about to have a panic attack.
He ran upstairs and was looking in every single spot. Bathtubs, closets, under the bed, behind doors, all while screaming his name. But no response.
He was going to have a fucking heart attack. This was not happening. It was not happening right now. No. No, he was dreaming. This was just one of those realistic nightmares he got every once and awhile. Yeah, he wasn’t going crazy. He was dreaming.
He slapped his face, trying to wake up.
But he was awake.
And Peter was gone.
Tony ran back down the stairs and outside in the backyard. “Where is he? Where’s my son?!” He frantically asked Pepper who was running around just as crazy as he was.
“Who saw him last? Why was no one WATCHING MY FUCKING SON?!” Tony all but screamed. Even Aiser was running around, looking both equally scared and anxious.
Morgan was crying in the doorway but Tony didn’t care about that right now.
He ran back down to the beach because all he could think about was that Peter went swimming and got swept away. Oh god. Oh god. “Noo. Please no. Where’s my boy? Where are you, Peter?” He asked himself. All he could think about was flying home without him. Living a life without him that he knew all too well.
“Tony! Tony! Come here!”
Tony ran back towards the house. Beside the living room was a shovel that he must have used to dig the hole along with his rash guard. “Where is he?”
Aiser was barking at the wall and pawing at it so Tony pushed him aside and moved the full body length mirror back, finding a doorway that led to some stairs to what looked like a basement or a cellar.
Tony ran down the stairs without even giving it a second thought.
“Peter? Peter?”
He turned a corner and found Peter sitting on the floor playing with an old train set. Oh my god. Oh god oh god thank you thank you thank you thank you.
“Peter.” Tony felt his heart almost give out. He collapsed in front of him, pulling Peter into his arms. “Oh god. Peter. I was so scared. I couldn’t find you. What are you doing down here?” He squeezed him harder than he should’ve. “I found him!” Tony practically felt the weight lift off everyone’s shoulders.
What if the door locked behind Peter? What if this basement was sound proof? What if Peter died down here, scared and alone? Tony was going to be sick to his stomach.
He stood up and carried him up the steep, wooden stairs. He walked past everyone and carried him outside. Of course Peter didn’t understand what just happened and what he did. Morgan was still sobbing so Alice went to console her while Pepper walked away with Tony and Peter.
“Why did you go down there? We had no idea where you were, Peter.” Pepper hugged him the best she could with Tony holding onto him like if he let go he’d die. Maybe he would.
“Ummm…” Peter cupped Tony’s cheeks in his tiny hands. “You sad, daddy? Why?”
Tony realized he was crying. That was so fucking traumatic for him. Fuck. It brought back so many raw emotions that haven’t had the chance to heal yet, but Tony was starting to wonder if he would ever heal now.
Smiling, a real smile now because Peter was safe in his arms and wasn’t drifting away at sea, he squeezed him even tighter. “I was just scared. I didn’t know where you were.”
“Oh.” Peter combed Tony’s hair back, mimicking his fathers actions. “But… don’t be sad. I’m right here now.”
Pepper rubbed his boney back, sharing the same distraught expression as Tony. “Why did you think it would be okay to go down there, Peter? We didn’t know where you were or if you were okay.”
At the sound of Morgan’s whimpering, Peter turned his head over, pointing at her. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. He was gone for a few minutes and went exploring. So? No one wanted to play with him so he played with himself. What’s the big deal?
“Yeah, Morgan was worried too.” No doubt because Tony was running around like a frantic man and Pepper was freaking out. She picked up on their emotions and was freaking out with them.
Morgan walked up to them and lifted her arms up to either be lifted up or to hug Peter, Tony couldn’t tell so he kneeled down, letting Morgan hug her brother. “I was so worried about you, Peter.”
“Oh.” Peter chewed on his fingers.
“We all were. You cannot leave our sight and especially sneak down to a hidden basement.” Not only did Tony have no idea it was there but it was probably hidden for a reason. “You scared all of us.” Looking back, Tony let out a sigh as he saw Alice and Mike standing there embracing each other. Harley looked annoyed and exhausted at his brother's antics.
So, Tony stood back up, lifting Peter onto his hip. “We’ll talk to him about this more later on.” He told Pepper because their emotions were too high right now to have a proper conversation with Peter, especially when words seemed to go in one ear and out the other.
To say Tony was going to keep him close by for the rest of the day was an understatement.
It worked out perfectly anyways because Peter didn’t typically like to leave his side anyways.
It took Tony a few hours to feel at ease once again. He literally could not take his eyes off of Peter and knew he should be calling his therapist about this and go over some of their techniques for handling this but… that meant time away from Peter. So no.
Dinner was in a few minutes and Tony volunteered to take all three kids and Aiser down to the beach to hang out so dinner could be cooked and the table could be set up.
Peter stayed on the shore the whole time, only going into the ocean to collect some water for the castle he was making.
Morgan was helping out but the two of them kept fighting, mainly because Peter didn’t nap today and was quite cranky. Tony was always torn between wanting to let them solve these problems out alone but they also weren’t capable of that. Peter would bite or throw something at Morgan and Morgan would retaliate by hitting him. So an adult always had to step in.
Tony truly didn’t mind though.
He liked having his children depend on him.
Maybe a bit selfishly.
“I’m using that one.” Peter told his sister, reaching for the shovel.
“I just need it to get some water. I’ll be back with it.”
“Nooo. No no. I want that one!” He whined, bouncing on his knees. “Give it back! It’s mine first!”
“Morgan, Peter had it first. You can ask him if you can use it.”
“But I just needed it for ten seconds.”
“No. It’s mine for all the seconds.” Peter shoved two sandy fingers in his mouth, trying to calm himself but he did an awful job at it. Usually he would chew on them if he was in thought, lying or frustrated. Like now, he was frustrated and didn’t have any other tools to use to help himself calm down. Partly Tony’s fault for sticking a soother in his mouth so often.
Tony took Peter’s fingers out of his mouth. “Peter. Tell Morgan you’re still using it.”
“I’m still using it.”
“But… I just need it for ten seconds. Just ten. Okay?” Morgan was still trying so hard and even though there was a shovel right beside them, they of course wouldn’t want that one.
It looked like Peter was deep in thought for a few moments then he kicked down his castle and went crying into Tony’s arms. Yep. He was cranky without that nap. “Okay. It’s okay. Want to build your castle together?”
“Paci?”
“I don’t have it here.”
“Go get it.”
“We’re going to eat dinner so-”
“Nooo! Go get it! Go get it.” He kicked his legs out in the sand, getting too aggressive so Tony stood up, lifting him up with him. He wiped the sand off his thumb the best he could then guided it to his mouth.
“Suck on your thumb.” It wasn’t Peter’s way of comfort anymore, not like it used to be and it wasn’t hard to figure out why. Sighing, he hoisted him up higher, grateful that he was sucking on his thumb and no longer begging him for his pacifier. “Guys, dinners ready in ten more minutes.”
Tony watched Morgan dump a bunch of ocean water by his feet. “This is for Petey for later. After dinner, we can build something together. Maybe a castle if he wants.”
“I don’ wan’ to.”
“Why not?”
“Cause!”
“Morgan. Peter’s feeling a bit tired. He didn’t nap today, remember?”
“How am I supposed to remember that? I wasn’t here.”
Right.
Funny girl.
“Okay well I’m telling you now that he didn’t nap.” He placed Peter on his feet when he wiggled to be put down. “So after dinner it’s bath time then bed time.”
“I can help you get him ready for bed.”
“Sure, Morg.” Tony loved how protective she was of her brother. She always wanted to be involved with Peter and help out. It was sweet. It was different with Harley. Tony knew he wanted Peter to grow up so they could get along but that would take a bit longer for Peter to actually mature.
Not that Tony was rushing it. If anything it was the opposite.
And just after fighting, the two of them ran towards the outdoor dinner table holding hands. Yeah, Tony won the lottery and was living on cloud9. Life didn’t get much better than this.
Dinner was barbecue chicken, corn, salad with avocado and fruit. They found out that Peter had a new obsession with avocado which both his parents were silently cheering over.
Peter was on his third avocado and Tony found that if he smeared the chicken in it, Peter would eat the chicken. “Here. Eat this piece.” He was basically hand feeding Peter at this point, he didn’t care how he got the food, as long as he ate it.
“There’s this Mediterranean restaurant I want to check out, but of course Peter can’t go. I was thinking we can go tomorrow around lunch time.” Mike brought up then took a big bite of his corn on the cob.
“No. I can come too.”
This definitely could’ve been brought up without Peter around.
“Pete, a Mediterranean restaurant has fish. Mostly.” Tony covered another piece of chicken in avocado as he waited for Peter to finish chewing.
“I want to go too.”
“No, bud. I hope you know why. Mr epipen.” He wiped his face off with a napkin but knew it was pointless because he’d be having a bath straight after dinner anyways.
“No. I don’t- I’m not-I’m not ‘lergic to fish anymore.”
“Allergic. And yes you are. It’s important not to joke about that.” They literally brought four EpiPens on vacation. One was with them 24/7, it was always in hand reach of the closest adult with Peter, the other two stayed in the kitchen and one was stored away for extra. Peter having an allergic reaction hours from the nearest hospital definitely would not be ideal.
“Yeah. Allergic. I want more ‘cado.”
Yeah, that speech was adorable but maybe shouldn’t be encouraged. Tony would let it slide today though. “Here.”
“That sounds like fun, dad. Of course you can’t bring any food back and just wash your hands and brush your teeth before you touch Peter.” Maybe that was a bit excessive but better safe than sorry.
“Then I’ll stay here by myself?” Peter asked, his brown eyes wide with concern at the thought of being left alone.
“No, baby. No. Never. Just grandma and grandpa will go.”
“Oh. Okay then! More ‘cado, daddy. I-I-I want it-I want it-I want it… on this piece.”
Peter eating was a miracle. Peter being the last one at the table because he kept wanting to eat avocado and chicken was a phenomenon. Tony was proud of him regardless.
.
.
.
“Oh look at that cute little face.” Alice kissed Peter’s cheek. “I could just eat you right up. So cute. I think I need a cuddle. Bring him here, Tony.”
Tony just finished with his bath. He was wrapped in a towel like a cocoon with only his face and wet curls sticking out. “I’ll hand him over once I get a diaper on him.”
“I can do it. I haven’t helped out too much in that aspect.”
“No. It’s fine, I’ve got it. I need to put diaper rash cream on him anyways so we’ll be back.” He pulled the towel hood over his head he made for him so he had better access to kiss his cheeks. “I just love you so much. Do you have any idea how much I love you.”
“As much as a big whale.”
“Hmm. Maybe. Maybe even bigger than that.”
“As much as a million big whales.”
Tony loved Peter more than that, he loved him more than Peter could ever wrap his head around. His love for him was so powerful it could move mountains, his love for this tiny person in his arms physically hurt.
Peter would never understand how badly Tony loved him.
He kissed him again in confirmation and laid him on the bed so he could grab a diaper and cream. “It’s raining outside, daddy.”
“Yeah, we’re supposed to have a thunderstorm tonight.” That was going to be a bit scary. The storms here were quite frequent and normal but they weren’t used to tropical storms.
And so, it would probably end up with Morgan sneaking into their bed and Harley peeking his head in for reassurance a few times.
Tony gently wacked him with the diaper on his back. “Lie back down. We can check out the storm in two minutes.”
“But I want to lick the rain.”
Weird.
“Alright. Let me put a diaper on you then you can lick the rain.” He applied a generous amount of cream onto him then fastened a clean diaper and let him get up to do his thing. It was done in less than two minutes. “That diaper is staying on you all night. Got it?”
Last night Peter got hot and took it off, the night before it got too full and he took it off and the night before that Aiser took it off.
Tony didn’t know how to keep it on him without putting him in a onesie but it was too hot for that.
“Yeah I will. It’s just… too hot cause I don’t need to wear it if it’s not that hot out but it is hot.”
Tony didn’t know what he was trying to say. “You need to wear it at night all the time because you aren’t bedtime potty trained yet. So keep it on. I’m going to be very upset if I wake up and see that you’ve taken it off.”
That got Peter’s attention. “Ohh. I’ll keep it on then. Promise.”
“Thanks. I put extra diaper rash cream so you won’t get a rash. Just keep it on, buddy.”
“Yeah.” Peter looked down at himself, possibly trying to determine how he was going to rip it off at night and put it back on himself. But he was a good boy, he’d listen this time. Hopefully.
Tony brought him downstairs so he could hang out with Alice for a bit while Tony got a few things ready to put him to sleep. It was still a bit early but since he didn’t nap today, he would go down pretty quick.
At least that’s the logic Tony was thinking with.
“…and it was a big one. Like 100 feet tall.” Tony overheard Peter say. He was assuming he was talking about that wave on the beach, it of course wasn’t 100 feet tall, but it was quite large. Probably due to the storm, the ocean was a bit rough this evening.
“I think you would have caught a big wave with your surfboard.”
“Ummm… no. I don’t like surfing. I like snowboarding.” That wasn’t news to anyone. Peter usually cried if you put him on a surfboard, he wasn’t that strong of a swimmer so that probably had something to do with it but the snowboard was for him.
Maybe that could be his hobby to help him say bye to his pacifiers, but there were no mountains in Mannhattan. So that was a real letdown.
“Daddy?”
“Yeah, Morg?”
“I want to sleep with you tonight. The rain and thunder is scary outside.” Morgan tried to use her best puppy dog eyes but they didn’t work on Tony, plus he was already going to say yes to her.
The storm was kind of loud tonight.
“Of course you can. But you know that means you and Peter need to sleep. You’re not there to play.”
“I know.” She ran around the couch and jumped onto the empty spot next to her brother. “Petey! I can sleep with you tonight!”
“Oh. Yay.” He didn’t seem too excited about that but he was also tired, Tony could see it in his eyes. Peter turned around and made eye contact with him then got up, running around the couch to get picked up by his father. “Up.”
Tony listened to his request, sitting him on his hip and kissing his cheek. “Are you ready for bedtime?” Peter nodded his head, he always denied he was tired even if he was literally drifting off to sleep. “Okay, give kisses to everyone and say see you tomorrow.”
“‘ee you ‘morrow.”
“Aww, have the best sleep, sweet boy. We’ll see you tomorrow. Can I have a hug goodnight?” Alice didn’t wait for Tony to bring Peter over to her, she kissed his cheek, trying to hug him in Tony’s arms. “You stay in bed tonight and don’t take your diaper off.”
“Yeah.”
“Good boy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Carry me up too, daddy.” Morgan lifted her arms up but it wasn’t like her and Peter were ten and six again. They were heavy together but Tony also couldn’t say no to what might be the final request of Morgan wanting to be carried up. It was obvious she was only asking because Peter was getting carried up so he leaned down, scooping her up as well.
He was grateful he was strong enough to still carry his two monkeys.
“So adorable. Good night, Morgan. Goodnight, Peter.” She watched them go upstairs, still waving bye until they disappeared from sight. Tony knew she wanted to join them and put Peter to bed as well but it would be too many people and Peter would think everyone is there to hang out with him rather than put him to sleep.
Once they got into the bedroom, Tony dropped both of them on the bed then realized he forgot to ask Peter if he wanted his milk. He really didn’t want to go back downstairs.
“I’m going to sleep next to you.”
“Bubs, do you want your milk?”
“My baba?”
Fuck. “No, baby. In a sippy cup. Do you want me to get it for you?”
“Oh. No.” He laid down on his back, stretching his legs out. “Daddy. Come.”
“I am.”
“Come faster.”
“You talk funny.” Morgan observed, getting a dirty look from Peter.
“I don’t.”
“Just a little bit you do.” She laughed. “It’s silly.”
“Morgan, don’t get him upset. That’s because of his pacifier. Lay down, both of you.” He shut the curtains and turned the sound machine on, getting in bed next to Peter. He didn’t plan on staying, he was just there to get Peter to sleep and then he would slowly leave the room. Morgan could put herself to sleep but now there was the possibility of her waking up Peter.
Tony flipped him onto his stomach and started their nightly ritual of patting his bum, waiting for him to close his eyes. Once his breathing evened out, Tony removed his hand, making sure his pacifier wasn’t close to falling from his mouth then checked on Morgan. “Why are you still awake?”
“I wanted to help put my brother to sleep.” She pouted.
“Next time you can. He was really tired.” Morgan thought of Peter as a doll often. He was a living and breathing thing that was more than her using him to pretend she’s the mom and he’s the baby. It was cute when they played house but Tony knew she took her role very seriously and would wake him up just to put him back to sleep.
“But I wanted to tonight.”
“Morgan. You can help me tomorrow. He’s already asleep so it’s time for you to go to sleep too.” Getting up, Tony walked around the other side of the bed, sitting down. Morgan rolled over to continue eye contact with him. “Do you need my help falling asleep?”
“No. I’m not a baby. Peter’s a baby.”
“Okay. So if I leave, are you going to wake him up?”
“…no. I won’t.”
“If I hear him crying because you woke him up, I’m going to be very upset with you.”
“I’m going to bed. I’m not waking him up.”
“That’s my girl. Now close your eyes and sleep.” Tony kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”
Tony was skeptical about leaving Morgan awake with Peter but she was capable of listening and actually knew she would get in trouble if she woke Peter up. So after putting on the baby monitor, Tony left.
He set the monitor on the table outside, wrapping an arm around Pepper. What a beautiful night, it was raining outside but the sound was immediately calming. He took the drink out of Peppers hand when she offered it to him, taking a sip. They didn’t drink alcohol very much anymore, if ever, so it was just a virgin piña colada, Tony’s favourite. And Peppers.
Harley, Mike, Alice, Pepper and him all sat around the table with the back door open a crack. He could see Peter’s sleeping body on the monitor, calming his separation anxiety. Life was good.
“We were just talking about that one time you and I went to Banff. Back when we first started dating, it was like coming full circle taking our kids there.”
“Mm. It was so surreal. And we discovered we got a little snowboarder on our hands.” Tony had to put his energy into something, snowboarding or not.
Upstairs, Morgan had fallen asleep about thirty minutes ago when Peter began having a nightmare.
He was lying on his side, whimpering and shaking.
It was too loud for anyone to hear him on the monitor so Peter was stuck in his nightmare.
Maybe it was a memory. A memory that was distorted and played out as a scary story for him to relive.
His body shook as he tried to wake himself up to no avail.
Peter was back in the house with Steve and Bucky. But it wasn’t the house he was taken to, it was his home. He was lying on the floor and Steve was standing over him with a needle, telling him he was going to use it on him if he didn’t behave.
He tried to tell him he was behaving, but all that could get out was a scream.
Steve walked behind him, disappearing from his sight. There was banging on the front door, someone was trying to get in. Peter remembered a man breaking down the front door then everything went dark.
Wait… he lived this before? This was a memory. Or maybe he never made it out alive and he was still dreaming. But he was dreaming right now? Then why couldn’t he remember going to sleep.
“Steve. Let me go.” He begged, rolling onto his stomach to lock eyes with his kidnapper. “Let me go!”
“Shh, it’s okay. It’ll only hurt for a few seconds.” Steve flipped him around onto his back, taking a hold of his left thigh. Steve injected the implant in his thigh and Peter let out a scream. It hurt. He remembered feeling that pain. It was a sharp sting and then Steve said, “Now you’ll stay my little boy forever. I love you, little bear. Say you love me.”
Peter reached down and rubbed his sore thigh. What did Steve put in him? Was this a memory or a dream? Was he re-living it?
He looked down at his inner thigh and could see a bit of blood and the implant under his skin but he couldn’t keep his eyes open any longer so he laid down, blinking glossed over eyes up at Steve.
“I know you love me. You’re going to stay my little boy forever. Drink your milk now.” He pushed a bottle past his lips, further putting Peter to sleep.
Peter already felt so exhausted and weak, he couldn’t keep his eyes open for much longer but he couldn’t fall asleep. Didn’t he die if he let the darkness take over his body?
He didn’t want to die.
He wanted his daddy. His real daddy.
But Peter was too weak to call out for him.
Steve was in Peter’s face again so he screamed.
“Stay my little bear, Peter. Peter. Peter. Wake up. It’s just a dream. Wake up. Open your eyes for me.”
Peter’s eyes snapped open and he kicked Tony away, crawling across the bed to get away from Steve. “No! No. Go away. Leave me alone.” He crawled over Morgan’s face but froze. Morgan? She wasn’t… Steve kidnapped her too?! No. Nooo.
He broke down crying, wanting Steve, no wait, Steve was away. Steve wasn’t here.
Peter focused on the face in front of him. Daddy. His daddy. He rubbed his eyes to make sure what he was seeing was actually Tony and not just his imagination.
“Where’s Steve?”
“Baby. Peter. It’s just me. Steve’s dead. You’re safe. Can I hold you?”
Peter backed up further against the headboard. Steve’s dead? But for how long? Surely he would come back. He was just away.
Tony could see the confusion on his face. He just had quite the nightmare and Tony knew about those realistic dreams all too well. He used to have dreams that Peter was back in his arms and he would be reading to him or cooking him lunch. Then he would wake up to the realities of his life without his son.
So he knew what Peter was going through right now.
Tony turned the lamp on and held his arms out for Peter. “Come. It’s just me. Daddy. You had a nightmare, bubs. Come. I promise you’re awake now.”
“No.” Peter said in denial because how could he be awake? Was he ever asleep? That all felt so real. He wanted to touch Tony though so he slowly crawled over to him, touching his hand and broke down crying.
Tony lifted him into his arms in no time, kissing his face repeatedly.
“It’s okay now. You’re okay. You’re safe. It’s okay. You’re okay.” The words of reassurance really helped Peter calm down. A pacifier was suddenly in his mouth and he had no idea how it got there but he was so appreciative of it. Had it fallen out? Is that why he had a nightmare? It was just a dream, right? Probably. Because Tony was here and Steve wasn’t.
“I’m so sorry, Peter. I should’ve come up sooner.” Tony admitted once Peter calmed down enough. They were sitting on the window bench, looking outside at the storm. “Do you remember what your dream was about?” Tony glanced down at his leg, seeing some blood. What?
He immediately stood up to get a better look. There was some blood dripping down his thigh and some old, smeared blood. What the fuck? “You’re bleeding. What happened?”
He brought Peter into the bathroom and turned the light on. “Pepper?! Pepper?! Come up here.”
Tony quickly pulled off Peter’s diaper, making sure the blood wasn’t coming from in there. It was full, but only with pee. He grabbed a washcloth, soaking it and wiping down his thighs. Once all the blood was gone, Tony could see scratch marks. Four pretty deep scratches on his inner thigh from above his knee to just below his crotch. “What happened? Did you scratch yourself?”
“Tony. What’s wrong?”
“Peter had a nightmare. He scratched himself pretty badly.”
The scratches were still bleeding so he held the cold damp cloth against him as he grabbed his hands to check his fingernails. Yep. He scratched himself real good in his sleep.
“Let me see.” She came around his other side to get a better look. “Oh my. How did you scratch yourself, baby?”
Peter was still quite confused, trying to remember what happened in his dream. But it wasn’t a dream. Steve actually put something in him. In his leg! “Umm…” He sucked harder on his pacifier. “Steve… did it.”
“Baby. Steve isn’t here, my love. Did you dream about him?”
“Umm…” Peter looked down at his leg. Besides for the scratch marks, he couldn’t see the lump underneath his skin anymore. So maybe it was just a dream all along? But then why did he remember it going in. “It’s… a needle.”
“A needle?” Tony knew Steve drugged Peter with a needle the day he had the two seizures on the way to the hospital. “Did you have a bad nightmare about that?”
Peter nodded. “Owie.”
“I’ll get the first aid kit.” Pepper announced then got up and left so Tony lifted Peter back up and sat him on the bathroom counter.
“Do you remember anything else from your dream?” He usually forgot them afterwards and Tony wanted a little more insight as to what was going on in his mind.
“Umm…” He looked around then looked back at his burning thigh. “It’s a needle. ‘Dare.” He pointed to the scratches.
“Yeah. Is that why you scratched yourself?” Peter nodded, still looking at the cuts. “It’s just a bad dream, baby. You’re safe here. I promise you that.” Tony rinsed the cloth so he could reapply it while he waited for Pepper to return with some bandages. That must’ve been one hell of a nightmare if he gouged his skin so deep with his nails.
Peter was a really active sleeper, he moved around a lot, woke up every two hours for no apparent reason, had pretty bad nightmares sometimes, but he never hurt himself in his sleep. Ever. And these were pretty big scratches.
Tony wished he could communicate with him what his dream was about. It was frustrating for everyone involved that Peter couldn’t communicate that well, or at all really.
“Do you remember anything else from your dream?”
Peter looked around like he was looking for someone then decided on shaking his head. Tony sighed. He probably wouldn’t get anything else out of him.
He grabbed a diaper from the stash and placed him on the floor, using a wipe to clean his skin then got another one on him as Pepper walked into the bathroom. “I don’t think it’s that deep. But his nails need to be cut.” Pepper looked at Tony like she was blaming him.
“They’re not even that long. I cut them in Banff.”
“They need to be cut again, look at them.”
Tony removed the cloth so Pepper could apply the Polysporin. “This isn’t on me. There’s four adults in this house who could’ve cut his nails.”
“He only lets you do it and you know it, Tony.”
Tony wasn’t going to argue with her. “Let’s just drop it. That isn’t the point of this. Maybe try asking him why his nightmare was so bad he made himself bleed.”
Pepper shook her head at him. They were both being petty. And in front of Peter too. She got him bandaged up and not a second later, Tony lifted him up, kissing his cheek. “Do you feel better? You ready to go back to sleep?”
“I want paci.”
“You have one in your mouth, silly.”
Peter covered his hand over it, “‘nother one.”
“There’s a bunch on the bed, baby. Okay? Just use one of those.” Tony would be going to sleep now too. He was already planning on going to bed but then he heard Peter crying on the monitor and raced up. Plus Peter wouldn’t sleep without him there.
Tony wished he knew how to prevent these nightmares.
.
.
.
“How was your assignment? Did you manage to hand it in on time?” Tony asked Harley. He was still in school, but after everything that happened so recently with Peter, Harley wasn’t ready to go back to dorm and living away from home just yet so he was keeping up with online school.
It was hard when you were on vacation and had to leave the beach to finish an assignment but it was a requirement. Tony tried to keep the younger kids quiet and away from Harley so he could work on the beach but Peter kept yelling and causing too much ruckus.
“Good. I have about an hour left to do then I’m all caught up.” He took a sip of Peter’s leftover smoothie after screwing the sippy cup lid off. “I can’t believe I forgot to do it.”
“All this excitement I guess.”
“How isn’t Peter behind on school? I mean… he rarely goes now.”
Tony was on top of it. “His school is pretty lenient with him. And he gets sent home workbooks. He’s a smart boy, he just needs to apply himself better.” As he said that, Tony and Harley watched Peter pick up a handful of sand and shove it in his mouth. “Peter! Stop eating sand!” He yelled across the beach to him.
This was like the tenth time he ate sand on this vacation. This boy.
“I’m going to go sit with him, join us, Harls.” Tony stood up, hesitating to see if his oldest son would come with him. Harley probably wanted to talk about his school but Peter was eating sand so Tony had to take priority here.
They walked down towards the edge of the water, standing in front of Peter. Harley kneeled down in the sand, getting his younger brother’s attention. “You know, the sand directly from the ocean tastes so much better.”
“Harley.” Tony warned. Peter would believe him too. “Pete, he’s joking. Stop eating sand or you’ll get a tummy ache.”
“I’m just… I’m not eating sand.” He wiped the evidence off his mouth and crawled towards the water, turning back to look at Harley. “You coming?”
Harley wouldn’t pass up on an opportunity to hang out with Peter when he wasn’t acting like a toddler. The two went into the ocean water up to Harley’s waist and Peter’s chest. That’s as far as Tony wanted them to go so he let them know it was far enough.
Tony was alone on the beach with his kids, Morgan was digging in the sand a few feet behind him so it was hard to keep an eye on all three kids at once.
“Dad? Can you help me make my sand castle perfect? It keeps collapsing.”
Tony glanced back at her briefly, seeing her trying to keep her tower up right. “Um,” Looking back at the ocean, he saw Harley lifting Peter up and tossing him into the water. “Harley, don’t throw him too far.” He warned. The last thing he wanted was for Peter to get tossed around and get disoriented in the ocean.
“Relax, dad. He loves it.”
“Harley.”
“Fine.”
So Tony sat in the sand to help Morgan with her castle. Yeah, sure. Maybe he was being too overprotective but if he had just been a bit more overprotective that day at the park 10 years ago, then maybe Peter wouldn’t have been taken from him.
So yeah, he’ll be an overprotective parent and he didn’t care one bit.
He helped Morgan keep her tower from falling over, glancing at his boys in the water every so often. Peter was having the time of his life it looked like, continuing to lift his arms up to get thrown by Harley again.
“I want to try and throw you now.”
“I’d like to see you try, you’ve got noodle arms.”
“No.” Peter denied. “You’re just… bigger cause you’re older than me.” He swung off his brothers arm.
“Yeah, but I was also bigger than you at your age. I’m pretty sure I had some armpit hair happening.” He lifted up Peter’s arm to poke him. “You’ve got nothing.”
Peter just bounced on his toes. He didn’t exactly want to be hairy like his brother and dad. He wanted to be like his mom. So he shrugged. “Throw me again! Higher this time.”
“Alright,” Harley grabbed his arm and between his legs, lifting him up and launching him. “Off you go!”
It was pretty bad timing because as soon as he threw Peter, a wave came and knocked Harley under the water. He was able to recover quickly since the wave hadn’t folded yet but he reached the surface, wiping the salt water out of his eyes as he saw the wave folding and about to smack Peter. “Go under!” He yelled.
Peter swam up, turning his head over before getting smacked by the wave. He went under, rolling with it and scraping his knee on some coral. The waves overpowered him for a few seconds but what felt like minutes being stuck under there, before he finally managed to stand up and breathe in a fresh breath of air only to be smacked by another wave.
He tumbled inside that wave again, getting flipped over and turned upside down a few times. He tried so hard to reach the surface but it was like he was getting sucked under.
Hands were on him and lifting him out of the water finally so he coughed on some water as he tried to take a fresh breath of oxygen followed by distraught cries.
“Give him.”
He was being manhandled into someone else’s arms. His eyes burned from the salt that got in them and so did his nose and throat.
“Oh my, baby.” Tony’s voice said as he wiped his eyes, taking him from his big brother's arms. Crying was definitely helping get the burning salt water out.
“He just went under so quickly. I couldn’t get to him on time.” Harley followed Tony over to the house, panicking. This was all his fault. Why did he have to be so rough with his brother?
“It happens, Harley. It’s okay.” Tony was surprisingly calm. He saw Peter get hit by the wave and saw him go under for a few seconds then get hit by a second wave. Harley had gotten to him first but that was by pure chance. No one saw where he was once he went under.
“I’m sorry, dad.”
“Harley… it’s fine.” Tony couldn’t blame Harley. Tony had told him not to throw him and he still did. But it wasn’t Harley’s fault. It was no one’s fault. It was one simple accident. Everyone was okay. But he could see Harley was probably more affected than Peter was. “Help me with him. Can you go get a towel and his pacifier.”
“You’re okay, Peter. That was scary, huh?” Tony wasn’t phased by the loud crying. He knew it was a scared cry more than anything else. Sitting down on one of the pool chairs, he sat Peter on his lap, looking at his cut knee. Another injury to add to the trip.
It didn’t look too bad though. Nothing a bandage couldn’t heal.
“Oh my baby. What happened?” Pepper rushed out once she heard the crying. She was in the front with her mom and could hear the crying all the way through the house. Hell, people back home could hear Peter crying. It was very loud and tugged on your heart strings.
“The ocean dragged him under. He’s okay though. It was just scary.” Tony was half trying to calm himself down too. He was freaking out on the inside.
Harley returned with a towel and three pacifiers. “I didn’t know which one he wanted so I brought three.”
Peter wasn’t picky when it came to what pacifier he had. He would take whatever you gave him but if you had him choose between all of them, he would always choose bibs. So Tony took that one for him, placing it in his mouth which caused the crying to come to a complete stop.
Was it better or worse if they dropped the pacifiers?
Because Tony didn’t know anything else that worked so well to get a child to stop crying. It was literally like flipping on and off a switch. If Tony took it from his mouth, Peter would cry, put it in, stop crying.
Why he was so addicted to it, Tony didn’t know. It was a comfort thing obviously. But why pacifiers? Did Pepper breastfeed him too long, did the whole forced to go cold turkey after feeding on demand for three years have anything to do with it? Maybe Peter was afraid of losing his comfort item after getting robbed from it years ago. Tony didn’t know.
All he knew was that he didn’t want to get rid of them even though he knew they had to. Urg. Why couldn’t parenting be easy?
“I-I-I-I-I…” Peter looked at his leg. “I got a owie.”
“Yeah. That’s okay. Harley will get a bandage for you, baby. The ocean can be so powerful. That’s why we have to make sure we're careful.”
“I wan’… baba.” He admitted with a whine. Tony and Pepper looked at each other.
“Do you want milk in a sippy cup?” Tony offered. It’s the best he could do. Shaking his head, Peter turned onto his knees to reach for Pepper, pulling her bikini top down.
“No, honey.” It always broke her heart telling him no after everything. “Tony. Maybe go get him milk in a sippy cup. The Nuk one.”
“He won’t take it.” Tony tried night after night but he wouldn’t even look at it now. Whether that was a good or bad thing, Tony wasn’t sure.
“Just go.” Pepper pulled her bikini back up then caressed Peter’s sweet face. “Would you like daddy to bring you milk?”
“Yeah.”
Maybe she should have rephrased that differently. “He’ll bring you some in your sippy cup.”
“No. In my bottle.”
He hadn’t asked for a bottle like this in a very long time. “Peter, no more bottles. Remember, you don’t need them anymore.”
He stayed silent for a few moments then turned to give his mom a dirty look. “No. You just don’t want me to have them. Daddy does!” He took off running into the house, bumping into Tony. “Milk in-in my bottle. Please.”
“Pete, look, I have milk in a sippy cup. Here.” Tony tried to give it to him but he wasn’t the least bit interested. “Do you want it warmed up?”
“I want a baba.”
“Peter.” Tony could tell a tantrum was going to start. Alice and Mike even followed them in to watch. “I can give you milk in this sippy cup if you can pick out another sippy cup-”
“Nooooo! No! No. I want my… my baba!” He threw his pacifier then dropped onto the floor to cry. Yep. This was going to be a big tantrum. It wasn’t like he was tired because it wasn’t even lunch time yet.
Pepper went in to help. She kneeled on the floor next to their crying child and tried to get him to take a breath. “Peter. Look at me. You haven’t needed a bottle in so long we didn’t even bring one on this trip.”
Peter screamed at the knowledge that there wasn’t even a bottle here for him. “But I need it! I need it!”
“Pepper. Why would you say that to him?” Lifting him up, Tony tried to console him by running his fingers through his wet hair and bouncing him a bit but Peter wasn’t having it.
What got him so upset, maybe it was almost drowning, but he seemed irritated over anything.
“Maybe give him a bottle just this once.” Alice suggested, even after everything she complained to Tony about.
Tony gave her a confused look. “Seriously, Alice? Plus… we didn’t bring any bottles with us.” He swung Peter onto his other hip, grabbing the thrown pacifier off the ground and leaving.
“Peter. Baby. Take a breath and tell me what you’re feeling. I can’t help you unless you talk to me.” He mentioned as he walked outside and over to a pool chair but Peter completely ignored him. Understandably so. He needed to be eye to eye with him.
Sitting down, Tony held him between his legs, “Shh shh. Tell me what’s wrong using words. I can’t help you if you don’t communicate with me.” Peter coughed on his cries. “Take a big breath in. Hold it. And out. Just breathe. What’s going on?”
“I-I-I-I-‘dare.” Peter attempted to explain himself. He pointed back at the house which explained nothing to Tony.
“Tell me what’s wrong. Are you upset?”
“Yes. Cause… you-you said-cause you um, you took- you didn’t-you said not to-cause um, cause you didn’t bring-you said you didn’t bring my bottles.” He slumped between Tony’s legs with his arms crossed over his chest. He was mad. This wasn’t fair.
Tony caressed his damp curls. He couldn’t resist touching them, with the humidity, his curls were so vibrant. Tony was obsessed with them. He was obsessed with Peter. “I understand that. It’s upsetting because you really want a bottle, right?”
“Well… yeah.”
“If I give you a bottle, then it’ll ruin all the progress we made together and you’ll need bottles to fall asleep again, need it for car trips, I don’t want that. We came so far.” Tony rubbed the side of his hips, pulling him closer. “You have a right to feel upset or frustrated or angry.”
“I feel all those things.” Peter pulled away from Tony. “I’m sad at you. You made me so sad.”
Tony hated hearing those words. It killed him to hear that, but he also couldn’t help but feel so proud of Peter for communicating that with him. He was getting there.
Probably because Tony was holding his pacifier in his hand and it wasn’t in Pete’s mouth. “That’s okay if you feel that way. I’m sorry I made you feel upset.” I really do wish I could give you a bottle. So badly. “You’ve come so far. You don’t need a bottle anymore. You just want one. And you have your soothers.”
As if realizing Tony had it, Peter took it from him. “Cause I need soothers still. Right?”
What’s the best way to answer that? He technically was addicted to them. So yeah, he did need them. But he wouldn’t die if they took it away from him. He depended on them, he didn’t need them. Yeah.
“For now you need them. But soon you need to say bye bye to them.”
“Noo. I’ll hate you forever if you take soothers from me. Okay?”
Manipulative little boy. “No, that’s not fair to say to me. Your mother and I are doing everything for you that’s in your best interest. Pacis need to go eventually.” Tony hated to admit that what Peter said struck a nerve.
“You’re lying to me. Pacis never have to go anywhere. Ever.”
“Peter.” Tony let out a long sigh. “You want to be 25 years old with a pacifier in your mouth.”
“Yes.”
Jokes on Tony for asking that. “Your teeth are going to stick out like beaver teeth, I may think you are one.”
“No cause they won’t stick out.” He insisted. “I like them.”
“Why?” It was such a simple question that Tony would love to know the answer to.
“Cause it’s mine.”
“Yeah…” what does that mean? “No one else uses pacifiers here. Does it make you feel safe?”
“Uh huh.” He nodded and took it out to offer it to Tony. The first ever time he’s offered his pacifier to someone else. This was a huge deal for Peter. “For you. For only four minutes.”
“No thank you, Pete. I don’t need pacifiers.” Peter shoved it back into his mouth. Urg. Tony wished he could reach into Peter’s brain and pull out a book of everything going on in there. Why are you so perfect and frustrating at the same time?
“What are you feeling right now?”
“Mmmmm. Feeling… happy. With you.”
And did Tony actually talk him down from what may have been the worst temper tantrum? Yeah. He did that. He mentally fist bumped himself and pulled him onto his lap for a kiss. “I’m glad you’re happy. I’m sorry I can’t give you a baba. Would you want your sippy cup now?”
“Okay.” He took it, surprising Tony. He used to have anywhere from 10-15 bottles a day. Almost one every hour and multiple at night. Now it was down to one or two sippy cups of milk a day. If that. He usually just had juice in it. So that was a start, right?
Plus his diapers used to be full and needed a change every hour or two, and now he was staying dry during the day. Most likely. He was always swimming or in the ocean so it was hard to tell but Tony was pretty sure he was staying dry, at least from pee accidents.
“Let’s go back and join everyone. You want to?” Tony wanted to give Peter that opportunity to decide that for himself or if he needed some alone time. But when did Peter ever need alone time.
They joined everyone back at the house, clearly they stayed inside to give them some space.
Pepper gave Tony a look and mouthed, ‘everything okay’ to which Tony nodded at. Everything was perfect. It honestly couldn’t get much better.
The family spent the rest of the afternoon by the pool, Peter and Morgan played mermaids which ended up turning into pirates then they ate a simple lunch of pasta before Tony put Peter down for a nap.
He went down so fast. The minute Tony laid him down to put a diaper on him, he was asleep. If only it was always like that.
Now he got two hours of boring peace and quiet.
“Tony. Read this.” Pepper handed over her phone once Tony joined them outside.
“My dad is… my family treats me… I’d like my daddy to… more than anything I love… when mommy is mad I… I am sad when…” And the list continued. “What is this?” Tony looked at the rest of the questions.
My dad is...
My family treats me..
I'd like my daddy to...
More than anything I love...
When daddy is mad I...
I am sad when...
I am mad when...
My mommy and me...
My daddy and me...
I'd like to remember...
I'd like to forget...
I cry when...
I am happy when...
I am scared when...
I like it when mommy and daddy...
“I found it online. It’s questions you can ask your young children and see what they have to say. I want to ask Peter so badly. Now I want him to wake up.”
Tony skimmed the rest of the questions. This was actually so adorable. The I’d like to forget question seemed interesting. All of them did. Tony couldn’t wait to see what Peter had to say. He was always counting down the hours until Peter woke up though.
Like always, they had a quiet time without Peter. But it was just that, quiet.
A sad reminder of what life could have been like.
Morgan played by herself and asked Tony about ten times if she could go wake Peter up. Harley managed to get some school done and Pepper talked with Alice in the pool, both floating on a donut floaty. Mike was somewhere marinating meat.
The two hour timer was going off on Tony’s phone which meant it was time to squeeze his little boy. About freaking time. He tossed his phone onto the chair cushion and waved over to Morgan. “Hey. Your brother's nap time is over. Wanna wake him up with me?”
“Oh! Yes! I should bring him a surprise.”
“Maybe let’s save the surprise until we get downstairs. You don’t want to overwhelm him.” Truthfully Tony just didn’t want to wait for Morgan to find something to offer to Peter. He just wanted to wake his sweet boy up.
He opened the bedroom door, taking in how cozy the room was. The fresh ocean breeze was blowing in through the curtains in the dimly lit space. No wonder Peter slept so peacefully. They were all so grateful Peter still went down for naps, he would be a cranky bear otherwise.
Pushing open the curtains and turning back to look at Peter, still in a deep sleep. He had his pacifier hanging out of his mouth and was fisting his half filled sippy cup in his left hand, almost exactly how Tony left him.
He didn’t like waking him up from such a peaceful sleep but his two hours were up. Tony sat down by his waist and started running his hand through his curls. “Hey, baby. Time to wake up.”
Leaning down, Morgan whispered in his ear. “Wake up so we can play in the pool.”
That was sweet. Tony shook him a bit harder, pushing his pacifier back in his mouth before it fell out as he rolled onto his back to stretch.
After that big stretch, he opened his eyes, grinning up at Tony and then at his sister.
“Did you sleep well?” Tony loved seeing that goofy smile when he woke up.
Jumping off the bed, Morgan grabbed a clean diaper and jumped back on the bed beside Peter, undoing one of the diaper straps.
“No, Morg. I’ll change his diaper later. Thank you for trying to help though.”
She sat back down with a pout, raising her arms up in annoyance. “Then how am I expected to help out here?”
That got a genuine belly laugh out of Tony. “Morgan. You’re hilarious. Be a child. I’ll be the parent. Come, Pete. Are you hungry? We all ate a fruit salad. Do you want some? Morgan, if you want, you can carry down the wipes for me.”
“I’ll carry him.”
“He’s not a doll, Morg.”
But Morgan had other plans. She held her arms out for Peter and he actually crawled over to her, letting her pick him up. “That’s funny.” Peter wrapped his arms and legs around her. It wasn’t the first time she picked him up so it wasn’t a surprise she could lift him but now he wanted to be carried by her, not his dad. “Carry me to the pool.”
“Okay.” Morgan strained out and began walking out of the bedroom but Tony didn’t like where this was going. He followed them out but his overprotective dad instincts got in the way, or maybe it was the part of his brain that told him this situation wouldn’t end right.
“I’m going to stop you two right here. I will carry the beast down the stairs then you can continue carrying him once we’re on flat ground.”
“No. I wan’ Morg to.”
“Yeah. No. I carry you or you walk down.” Just as Tony thought, Peter reached out for him so Tony easily lifted him onto his hip, kissing his cheek while he had him close. “Now you both won’t tumble down the stairs.”
Instead of setting him on his feet at the bottom of the stairs, Tony carried him outside and walked over to the pool chairs. He knew Pepper had been waiting for Peter to wake up so she could ask the questions and Tony was also dying to hear some of his answers.
“Dad. I’m supposed to carry him.”
“Oh. Right.” He placed Peter on his feet, finding it amusing that Peter was so okay with being treated like a doll. He did kind of look like one sometimes. He had the cutest button nose, faint freckles lining his cheeks and curly brown hair. That's the definition of a doll.
Peter let Morgan pick him up and carry him over to the pool chairs, just a few feet away. “I wan’ down now.”
“I thought we were going to go swimming?”
“Morg, don’t throw him in the pool. He’s still wearing a diaper. Come here, Pete, mom has a fun game for you. Come.” Since Peter was just standing there, Tony grabbed his arm and pulled him over as Pepper set up the phone and pressed record.
“What’s the game?”
Tony lifted him onto the chair, holding his hand out for his pacifier. “Can I have paci?”
“Noo.”
They would watch this video ten years from now and laugh. Peter was so stubborn but he definitely got that from him. He sat down next to him so the camera still had a full view of Peter, with Pepper sitting across from them.
“It’s a question video. I say a sentence and you finish it. Got it?” Pepper explained, looking at the questions on her phone. She waited so long for this and was probably a bit too excited.
“Did Morg do it?”
“I already did it.”
“What did you say?” He sat up on his knees to lean over the back of the chair. “Did you say poo poo bum bum.” They both laughed.
“Okay.” Patting his bum, Tony tried to get him back on track. “Look, listen to what mommy’s going to ask you. It’s a game.”
Pepper couldn’t contain her smile. She began, “You finish the sentence. My dad is…?”
“My daddy is my best friend.”
Okay. That does it. Tony wasn’t going to be able to handle this game. He grabbed Peter’s face and kissed his cheek.
“My family treats me…?”
Peter thought about it, sucking on his pacifier. “My family treats me special cause I’m the baby.”
Damn right. Tony shaped an amused look with Pepper. That fact would never change.
“Yeah. You’ll always be our little baby.” She reached over to pull the pacifier out of his mouth, setting it beside him and Tony. “I’d like my daddy to…”
“Umm… I’d like my daddy to give me a baba.”
Oh. That was heartbreaking but not surprising. Tony reached over to scratch the back of his hair in a silent apology.
“More than anything I love…?”
“More than anything I love paci and daddy and mommy and Morgan and Harley and Aiser and grandma and grandpa!”
Was it in that order too? Did the pacifier come first? Maybe sometimes. He had to have said it in that order for a reason.
“When daddy is mad I…?”
“Give him a kiss.” He sat up on his knees and pecked a kiss to Tony’s lips, wrapping his arms around his neck, “Cause I love you to the moon and back again one billion times.”
“Mmm I love you so much. My perfect boy.” He wanted to squeeze him so much tighter but would literally break his back.
“I am sad when…?” Pepper continued on.
“I’m sad when…” Peter pulled away from Tony, sitting back down. “When-when I don’t have my paci.” He grabbed it and put it back in his mouth, giving a big smile for emphasis.
That answer would probably hopefully change in a few months or so.
“I am mad when…?”
“When daddy has to go to work.” He nuzzled against Tony’s arm. “I like it when you stay at home with me all the time. Only mommy can work for two hours.”
“Just two hours?”
“Yeah. Just two.”
“Okay, baby.” Tony ruffled his fluffy hair.
“Next question. My mommy and me…?”
“Ummmm… ummm… my mommy and me like to go grocery shopping at Target and we buy croissants and diapers.”
Both adults laughed at his response. “Just those two things, huh? Must be a quick grocery trip then.” Tony teased, knowing it was more than that but not a full grocery hall with Peter. That wouldn’t be possible.
“Yeah because sometimes all we need are only croissants and diapers cause sometimes we just do. But there’s no croissants here. Only mini ones.”
“Yeah, so next question, my daddy and me…?”
“My daddy and me like to walk together.”
“We sure do.” Whatever that meant. Funny boy.
“I’d like to remember…?”
Peter thought about it, sucking harder on his pacifier. Tony waited with bated breath.
“I’d like to remember… um…” He’d like to remember more of when he was a toddler so he had more memories being with his family when he wasn’t so broken. “To remember before Morgan.”
Before Morgan? Here’s the thing about Peter, he never communicated how one would normally communicate something. He would say encrypted messages that you’d have to decipher. “When you were a toddler? You’d like to remember that?”
“Yeah!” He beamed that Tony understood what he meant.
“I can tell you stories and show you pictures. I have tons.”
“Yeah cause I was three and had soothers too.”
“You did. Yeah.” Come to think of it, Peter’s probably had a pacifier half his life, Tony didn’t know what Steve gave him although he wouldn’t push it past him to have given Peter a pacifier which caused this whole addiction.
“Next question.” Pepper and Tony were most interested in this question. “I’d like to forget…?”
Peter leaned against Tony’s chest, putting the man’s arm around him. “To forget going away number two.”
“To forget getting taken a second time?”
“Yeah. It was too scary.”
Tony hated this game now. “Oh baby. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. You’re safe now with me.” He grabbed him from under his arms and lifted him up so he was straddling his lap. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.”
“Yeah.” He didn’t know what to say. It was hard to remember and the nightmares weren’t fun. “You’re sad cause I went away too. So I’m sorry.”
Game forgotten, Tony pulled Peter back to cup his soft cheeks in his hands. “Don’t ever be sorry. It’s my job as a father to protect you. And I promise I’ll keep you safe.” I already fucked that up twice. Truth was, even if Harley had gotten to the school five minutes earlier, Peter wouldn’t have been able to hold out that long. It was a 90 pound child, 88 pounds actually, against a full grown adult man who was 6.3 feet tall. Peter hadn’t stood a chance. He fought the best he could, maybe if he was able to get a running start he could’ve outran the man but he wasn’t able to get out of his strong grasp.
And who knows if Harley interfered, he could’ve gotten shot or drugged himself.
Everything happened the way it was supposed to, even if that meant his 14 year old son being exposed to drugs and getting kidnapped again, it had to happen the way it did.
Tony looked at Pepper. “Maybe just happy questions now.”
“They’re just questions. I think they are important questions.” Peter’s mind was the 8th wonder of the world to them. “I cry when…?”
“I’m sad.”
Obvious answer. Tony chuckled. He also cried when Morgan took his toys, someone left the room he didn’t want to leave, usually him, he was hurt, tired, the list went on.
“I’m happy when…?”
“When I’m with my family!”
“I’m most happy with you too, baby boy.”
“Two more, I am scared when…?”
“Ummm… when I have bad dreams.”
“I like it when mommy and daddy…?”
“When mommy and daddy give me pacis!”
Long story short, Peter was happy with his pacifiers and sad without one. How was Tony going to take away his happiness now? At the end of the day, all Tony wanted for Peter was to be happy. They could work on everything else as a family, despite how hard it was sometimes, but those difficulties just proved he had his son back, so it was all worth it.
Tony reached over to grab the phone, showing Peter’s adorable face on camera. “One day we’re going to watch this, ten years from now and you’re going to be such a big boy then. What do you want to tell future Peter?” Tony took the pacifier from his mouth so he could talk but Peter snatched it back. “Oop. Okay, not ready to ditch the pacis yet. What do you want to say to future Peter?”
“Um… that daddy’s my best friend.”
“Aww. What else?”
“That… I like… mangoes in Maldives.”
“He said he likes mangoes in Maldives future Peter, if you didn’t understand that.” It sounded more like gibberish but Tony could understand Peter’s paci gibberish by now. That might be different from adult Peter. Wow. It was so crazy to think that this baby in his arms was going to grow into an actual man one day. Almost unbelievable.
.
.
.
“This is really good, mom. What sauce is this?”
“Teriyaki. But I added my secret ingredient.” She whispered to Pepper, “less sugar.”
“Oh. That’s lovely.”
“Do you want me to cut it smaller?” Tony asked Peter. He already cut it as small as possible but Peter was still only eating the fruit and avocado. At least it was something but it wasn’t good enough. He needed more protein in his body.
“Yeah. I don’t want sticky stuff on it.”
“That’s the sauce. It’s yummy. Try it.” He held a piece towards his mouth but Peter turned his head away. “Okay.”
“One day I’ll make something you like, Pete.” Alice was determined. Peter only liked Mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. Dino shaped ones to be exact.
Peter shrugged, leaning further on his dad with a yawn.
Chuckling, Tony shook his head. “Maybe when he’s twenty, although something tells me he’ll be picky for life.” He mushed some chicken in the avocado and offered it to Peter, relieved he ate it this time. “Okay. Now you feed yourself.”
Even if that included Peter using his hands, Tony didn’t care. As long as he was eating.
The conversation at the dinner table continued as it usually did. They talked about their plans for the next day, what trails they should hike, if they should go to the ice cream truck again on the beach down the street or find a new place.
Tony noticed Peter starting to doze off.
His eyes were closing and his head would fall forward then he would jerk himself awake, only to repeat the same actions. It was cute for the first minute or two but Tony’s dad instincts kicked in and he didn’t want to watch him suffer.
Pepper got her video then Tony lifted him up, pulling him onto his lap and against his chest so his head was resting on him. Peter nuzzled in closer, sighing in contentment and suckling in his sleep. Tony knew he would wake up if he didn’t have something so he looked around for a pacifier, not knowing that it was better to let Peter fall asleep without one.
“Morg, can you grab that pacifier on your left? Thanks.” He pushed it past Peter’s lips, getting him to latch on and relax even more.
“I think he’s out for the count.” Tony bent his neck at an awkward angle to try and see his face. Yeah, he was out. It was only 6:15pm too. He looked at Pepper. “Do I wake him up?”
“No point. He’s going to be crying until he can go back to sleep anyways.” She took another bite of her chicken. “I’ll wake up with him if he’s up at an unholy hour.”
“He has been sleeping in quite a lot this trip.” Alice pointed out.
“He has. Let’s hope that it will transfer when we go home.” Tony also didn’t want to get peed on. He hoped Peter would be fine until after dinner.
“Why don’t you guys give him melatonin at home?” Mike asked. “You know, so he sleeps through the night and all that.”
Tony and Pepper shared a knowing look. The thought alone sent shivers through Tony’s body. He made sure Peter was actually sleeping before speaking. “You know he was drugged, Mike? Steve gave him multiple different types of sleeping pills in bottles of milk to make sure he stayed asleep and then on top of that, he put him to sleep with a needle. So no, we won’t be giving him any sleep aids unless it’s absolutely necessary.”
Tony also didn’t mean to get into that much detail in front of his other children, especially Morgan. He looked over at her and immediately regretted opening his big mouth.
“Peter did drugs?”
“No, honey.”
Tony really fucked this up. “Morgan. No.” What did she know about what Steve did to him? “Your brother, when he was taken again,” and the first time, “he was given some sleeping drugs to make him go to sleep. But then remember when he went to the hospital?” She nodded. “So now he’s all better.”
“Well… drugs are bad. So why did bad Steve give him drugs?”
How the hell was Tony supposed to answer this question coming from an eleven year old. “Steve was a very bad man. And he wanted Peter to stay asleep. That’s all. He’s okay now.”
Tony looked down at Peter, taking in his precious features.
He was done with this conversation now. “Pete’s okay, he’s going to sleep early tonight, so what do you want to play with him tomorrow once he’s awake?” That would sure turn the conversation around.
Morgan thankfully took the bait. Pepper was giving him that knowing look, she knew any kind of conversation regarding what was done to Peter really affected Tony. Hell, it affected her too, it affected anyone. Imagine listening to all the ways another man hurt your child, it was torture.
Tony listened to Morgan speak, talking about what they should do tomorrow, even Harley added his own input too.
“Pete would like it if you guys wanted to go on his favourite hike. That one was fun.” Tony put that out there, speaking on behalf of his sleeping child.
Despite Peter being asleep, he was still in his arms, joining them for their family dinner, making Tony feel so content in that moment.
This vacation was such an amazing experience for all of them and something so different. It was a nice reset.