that is all, that is all
Natalia Alianovna Romanova didn’t know who she was. She never really knew. From when she could remember, she was training. Training in ballet, in combat, in everything the Red Room thought she should know. But she never experienced life.
Natasha Romanov has just escaped the Red Room. SHIELD persuaded her to join their side and she had no other choice. She saw the corruption within it and it made her feel comfortable. Knowing that there was someone watching over her at all times made her feel less alien around other agents. Besides that small comfort, she was lost. She never learned how to take care of herself. That was the job of the handlers to remind her. She followed a strict schedule. At SHIELD, as long as work was completed on time no one cared. This utter lack of control scared Natasha. She needed that grounding back in her life. She needed to constantly feel worthy. In the Red Room, every privilege was earned. There was no pay, no assured housing. Toiletries were rewards given only to the best. It made everyone need to be the best. Without that need, that motivation, who really was Natasha?
She wasn’t American. She wasn’t a SHIELD agent. She wasn’t a dancer, or an assassin, or even truly a Black Widow. What she is is a disgrace to everything she's ever known. She quit the Red Room and pretended to be something she wasn’t because there was nothing left for her. She knew her capabilities and knew that they were going to waste. This is what motivated her more than anything. The voice in the back of her head telling her she must be useful or else there is no reason to live. If she doesn’t fulfill her purpose in life she doesn’t deserve to be alive.
So she volunteers for every solo mission possible. She doesn’t care how long it takes her or what she has to do. It doesn’t bother Natasha anymore. Deep down, she knows Natalia is disturbed by what she has become. But she knows that Natalia is the one telling to do this all. Natalia is lost and so is Natasha. The missions are always easy. She spends a few days on each. It gives her a chance to travel, at least that is what she justifies the constant battles with. In reality, Natasha has given up on doing anything for herself. As long as she is useful to whoever she works for, she is content. But her definition of usefulness is skewed so heavily it is barely the truth.
To the Red Room, usefulness is giving your body, your mind, everything to them and being their mindless soldier. At first, it was hard, but Natasha now sees it as the only reason she hasn’t died. Being an assassin doing what she is told is what makes Natasha work. Now she has to work to get the jobs she needs. Without the murder and fighting, Natasha is empty. And now she must find something new to make her useful. That's when she goes to Fury.