I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
Jemma had noticed Daisy coming in, but she ignored her girlfriend in favour of the work at hand. “Jemma? Are you coming to movie night tonight?” Daisy asked softly from behind her. Jemma continued to ignore her. “Jemma?” Daisy pushed.
Jemma sighed and put her work down before turning around. Daisy was closer than she had anticipated and she jumped a little. Daisy quickly took a step back. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you. I just wondered if you were coming down for the movie. The team would like it if you were there. And, I miss you.” Daisy sounded careful and guilty. Jemma felt her heart clench and quickly stepped towards her, taking her hand.
“Not your fault, I was just a little caught up in the work. I’ll come to movie night. I promise.” A smile appeared on Daisy’s face as she leaned in to press a quick kiss to Jemma’s forehead. “Looking forward to it. See you tonight.” And with a soft squeeze to her hands, she was gone.
Jemma sighed again. If she was watching a movie tonight, she had a lot more work to finish.
Daisy entered the makeshift living room, greeting Mack, Bobbi and Hunter who were fiddling with the TV and dropped herself on the couch. Bobbi quit her tries to get the TV working and sat down next to her. “Tough day?” she asked. Daisy nodded.
Some days were better than others, and today was not one of them. “Yeah. I can hear him today. And I’m worried about Jemma.” Bobbi nodded in understanding, offering her hand. Daisy gratefully took it, fidgeting with Bobbi’s fingers while watching the boys work. “I’m glad you’re back,” she said eventually. Bobbi smiled at her. “Of course. I couldn’t leave my sestra, now, could I?”
Daisy relaxed against her, thinking over the last two months.
After the whole Hive thing went down, Daisy had been planning to run. First, to Bobbi and Hunter, so she could say goodbye. When they had showed up at the base, she threw away her plan and stayed. Bobbi had told her she needed a therapist but she had refused that. So, Bobbi had offered to be her therapist. Daisy had found the idea very amusing, but it turned out to be the perfect solution. Bobbi had given her and Jemma the push they needed, and now Daisy had a girlfriend. She was doing better, but she still had her days when she could barely look at Mack or Fitz, or when she still felt that golden cross necklace in her pocket. Today wasn’t that bad, but it hadn’t been that great either. And Bobbi being Bobbi sensed it immediately and found something to distract her.
“So, what movie are we watching?” she asked. Daisy shrugged against her shoulder. “Dunno. I wonder if we can even watch a movie, considering our tech-guys still haven’t fixed the damn TV.” Hunter paused his movements to throw her a dirty look. Mack just sighed.
“I’m going to get Fitz. If he can’t fix it, Coulson will have to come up with another team building exercise.” He stood up, dragging Hunter with him and went off to find Fitz. Daisy smiled after them.
Coulson had come up with the brilliant idea to introduce movie nights. Every Friday night, the team would gather in their self-made living room and watch a movie. The most surprising thing was that everybody actually came. Mack dragged Fitz out of the lab and took Hunter, Bobbi took Daisy who took Jemma. Coulson managed to drag May along. Even Elena came by when she was on base.
Daisy loved and hated the movie nights. Every Friday night was like nothing had happened, like laughter was normal, like promises were never broken. She imagined Lincoln sitting behind her, setting everyone’s hair on edge with his powers, debating with Jemma on whether the medics were accurate. She imagined laughing with Mack. She imagined friendly banter with Fitz.
But every Friday, she was reminded of the people she had hurt, the promises she had broken, the pain she had caused. So she stayed near Bobbi and Jemma, and looked at the rest from a distance, trying to ignore how her heart clenched at every smile, at every shared look. She didn’t talk with anybody unless she was asked something, she didn’t laugh unless someone made a joke. She didn’t live when she had killed so many things. Yes, she was doing better, but she felt so far from being fine.
Apparently, she had spaced out, because when she came back, the whole team was sitting in front of a working TV. Well, the whole team minus Hunter, who she heard rummaging in the kitchen, and Jemma, who was nowhere to be seen. Daisy turned to Bobbi, who was still sitting next to her. “How long was I away? And where is Jemma?” Bobbi looked at her, smiling softly, but with concern in her eyes.
“You were gone for a solid ten minutes. I was getting worried. And I don’t know where Jemma is.” Daisy flinched at the time, but Bobbi comforted her. “Hey, it’s ok. You came back without any help, which is really good. And you didn’t scream or talk or anything. You’re doing great.” Daisy nodded in acknowledgement and turned to Fitz.
“Fitz, do you know where Jemma is?” Fitz looked surprised she was talking to him and Daisy mentally cursed herself. “She’s still in the lab. I told her we were starting the movie soon, but she said she was busy. Why?” Fitz responded to her question. Daisy shook her head. “Nothing. Just, she said she’d be here,” she said softly, managing to keep most disappointment out of her voice. Fitz nodded sympathetically.
Hunter emerged from the kitchen with three massive bowls of popcorn. “Let’s begin!” Mack pressed play on the movie and everyone settled comfortably in the pillows. Coulson and May shared a bowl, Mack and Fitz shared one, and Hunter carried the last one over to Daisy and Bobbi.
“Can I sit next to you, love?” he asked Daisy. Daisy nodded, both in answer to his question and as thanks that he asked. Hunter sat down and put the bowl of popcorn in her lap. Bobbi took some popcorn and occasionally put some in Daisy’s mouth. They watched the movie in silence, and for a moment, Daisy was alright.
Daisy walked into the lab, unsurprised to find Jemma still working intently on something. “Jemma?” she tried calling softly. When Jemma didn’t respond, Daisy walked closer. “Jemma?” she tried again, louder this time. There was still no sign that the scientist had heard her. Daisy sighed and placed a hand on Jemma’s shoulder, flinching when the girl startled and backed away.
“Jemma, it’s me. It’s okay.” Jemma finally recognized her as no threat and offered a small smile. “Hey. I was just finishing up. Have you already decided what movie we’re going to watch?” Daisy blinked in confusion. Jemma hasted to clarify. “Movie night, right? So, what movie?” Daisy shook her head.
“Jemma, do you have any idea how late it is?” she asked softly. Jemma shook her head in confusion. She looked around for a clock, but Daisy beat her to it. “It’s almost 1 a.m. We just finished the movie you were supposed to watch with us. Have you even eaten yet?”
Jemma took a small step back at the reprimanding tone in Daisy’s voice. Daisy was right; she had forgotten the time. She had also forgotten to eat. But she wasn’t gonna let Daisy know she was right. Instead, she pointed her annoyance at herself towards Daisy. “Like you eat enough.”
The second the words left her mouth she knew she fucked up. Daisy’s face quickly went blank, but Jemma knew her well enough to recognize the hurt in her eyes. She opened her mouth to take her words back, but Daisy had already turned around.
“I’m in my bunk. You’re welcome if you want. I’ll see you later,” she called over her shoulder, before disappearing from the lab. Jemma was left behind, wondering why she couldn’t just admit Daisy was right. Wondering why she hurt Daisy like that, when all she did was looking after her girlfriend.
She sighed and cleaned up her lab table. She pondered going to Daisy’s bunk to apologise, but her feet carried her towards the common room. Bobbi looked up from her book when she entered, immediately noting the distress on the girl’s face. “What’s wrong?” Jemma looked who else was there. Mack and Hunter were in the corner playing cards, but Bobbi signalled to them, and they quickly left with a nod. Bobbi directed Jemma to the couch, offering her full attention. Jemma sighed.
“Daisy came to find me in the lab. I told her I’d be there in a minute and then she said it was 1 a.m. She asked if I had eaten anything, and instead of just telling her I didn’t eat yet and let her take care of me, I fucked up and said she didn’t eat either.” Bobbi gave her a blank look, until Jemma looked down.
“That was unnecessary. You know how much trouble she has with that.” Jemma nodded, still not looking up. She knew exactly how much trouble Daisy had with eating. After Hive and Lincoln, Daisy punished herself by not eating. After ending up in the med-bay, the team talked to her and offered their support. Since then, Daisy’s eating was improving again, but it was a slow process, and she was far from eating normally again. Jemma knew all this, and still she used it against her.
After a couple minutes of silence, Jemma looked up again. “I’m a shitty girlfriend, am I not? I purposely said something that would hurt her, just because I think she shouldn’t be worrying about me so much!” Bobbi’s gaze turned softer. “And why shouldn’t she worry about you?” Jemma rolled her eyes.
“Because I’m doing fine?” Bobbi raised an eyebrow. Jemma shrugged.
“Fine, maybe I’m not. But it’s not Daisy’s job to take care of me, when she has so much else to handle!” Bobbi let out a long sigh. She did not sign up to be a relationship therapist, but she couldn’t back out now.
“Listen to me, very carefully. Daisy has a lot of issues. But those issues don’t mean that you can't have problems and struggles as well. You're girlfriends, which means you take care of each other. A relationship isn’t a one-way street. Your friendship never was, and neither is this. I know you feel responsible for her, and for the ton of work that needs to be done in the labs, but you’re not. You can lead the lab assistants. You can take care of your girlfriend, but you’re not responsible for everything here. And when you take care of Daisy, you rest assured that Daisy will take care of you. She has always taken care of you, and she always will. Once the two of you can accept you need to help the other, but that you also need to let the other help you, you’ll be fine.”
Jemma nodded slowly, taking a moment to process Bobbi’s rant. “You’re right.” Bobbi rolled her eyes. “Of course.”
Jemma didn’t address her joke, instead quickly getting up. “I need to go apologize. Thank you, Bobbi.” Bobbi smiled at her. “No problem. I hope you figure this out.” Jemma was already on her way out, but called over her shoulder, “Me too!”
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway
Daisy was lying on her bed, scrolling through some paperwork Coulson had given her, when there was a knock on the door. She called for them to come in and was surprised to see Jemma carefully poking her head around the door. “Can I come in?” the Brit asked quietly. Daisy nodded and put her laptop aside. Jemma entered and closed the door behind her, looking around uncomfortably. Daisy rolled her eyes and patted the bed. “You can sit, you know.”
Jemma sat down with a relieved look in her eyes. Daisy waited for her to say something, but the girl kept fidgeting. Daisy could see she wanted to talk, but didn’t know where to start, so she sighed and started talking herself.
“You’re my girlfriend, Jem. I want to take care of you. I want you to get enough sleep, enough to eat, enough love. You deserve that. And I want nothing more than to give that to you. But you need to let me. I love you, Jem, but I can’t do that like this.”
Jemma nodded sadly. “I know. I’m sorry. I should never have said that. It’s not fair to you, nor was it true. You’re doing so much better, and I’m incredibly proud of you and I’m sorry I hurt you like that.” Daisy smiled and opened her arms. Jemma quickly let herself be pulled into a hug. Daisy held her tight.
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
"You could never hurt me, Jemma. I love you too much for that. But I'd prefer it if you didn't say things like that." Jemma nodded in her arms.
“I’m really sorry, Dais,” she said softly. "You could never hurt me too, you know." Daisy shook her head. "I'm trying really hard not to. But I tend to hurt people, even when I don't mean it. And you not sleeping or eating is making me feel like I'm not doing a really great job." Jemma poked her arm.
"You're doing a great job. But I... I need to figure this out myself, you know? I promise to tell you from now on, but please let me do this. Without the whole team on my back," Jemma pleaded. Daisy hesitated, but agreed eventually. "Alright. I love you, you know that?" Jemma smiled.
"I love you, too. And I’ll start showing it more, I promise," she said softly. Daisy rubbed Jemma’s back.
“You don’t have to, Jemma. You just... You just need to let me take care of you too.” Jemma nodded in Daisy’s arms. “I know. I'll try.” Daisy pulled back, tapping Jemma’s chin to catch her gaze. “That’s all I'm asking, love.” Jemma softly kissed her. Before it could get heated, she pulled back again.
“We’ll be okay, right?” Daisy laughed a little, brushing Jemma’s hair back behind her ear. “It may take us a while, but we’ll get there, in the end."
They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
Daisy was dreaming. Or, more precisely, Daisy was having a nightmare.
“It's your fault. It's all your fault.”
“No, Lincoln, please. I tried, I tried so hard. I'm so sorry. Please...”
“You don't deserve forgiveness. You killed us.”
“Trip? No, I... I'm so sorry I couldn't save you, and I...”
“You can't save anyone; you're just killing everyone. You're just gonna kill her too.”
Daisy awoke with a scream, gasping for breath and fighting back tears. She frantically searched around her, but the bedside next to her was cold and empty. She climbed out of bed, stumbling over get own feet in her haste and left her bunk. She knew she should slow down, take a deep breath, stop the quaking and just think, but all she could do was get to the labs. She hasn't killed Jemma. She could save Jemma. She had to. Because if she couldn't, she'd be done. Daisy knew that if this went south, she'd be done. She'd never come home again.
She rounded another corner, unaware of everything around her, and walked straight into Bobbi. Daisy stumbled backwards, but Bobbi managed to stay her before she could fall. “Wooooh, calm down! What is going on?” Daisy tried to stifle herself out of Bobbi's grasp, but the blonde held on tight. “I need to get to Jemma! I need to...”
“You need to stop quaking,” Bobbi interrupted. “You need to take a deep breath and stop quaking, before you bring the whole base down.” Daisy shook her head in a poor attempt to clear it. Bobbi kept a hold on her and it was only now that Daisy realised, she was quaking everything. She quickly tried to even out get breathing, following Bobbi's steady rhythm.
Before long the quakes subsided and Bobbi loosened her grip. The blonde looked Daisy up and down for any signs of injuries before she started talking. “Why do you need to get to Jemma so bad? Where is she even?” Daisy shivered from the cold, having just realised she was running around at 3 a.m. in just shorts.
“In the labs probably. I just need her now. I... I can't lose her. I need to see I didn't lose her.” Daisy's voice got softer near the end of the sentence and Bobbi suddenly understood. “You won't. Now, why don't we go to the labs together, so you can see that everything is fine.” Daisy nodded slowly and Bobbi smiled.
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
The girls walked towards the labs, shortly stopping at Bobbi's bunk so Saturday could grab something warmer than the shots and t-shirt she was wearing. When they approached the labs, Daisy could see Jemma's form hunched past one of the tables. She heaved a relieved sigh and entered the lab. Bobbi followed her and the door closed softly behind her. She watched as Daisy walked over to Jemma, softly pressing a kiss on the scientist's head. Then Daisy frowned.
“Jemma?” she called softly. She carefully shook Jemma, but the girl didn't respond. “Jemma!” The panic was evident in Daisy's voice and Bobbi hated towards them. “What...” Daisy looked up at her, too much emotions in get eyes for Bobbi to make sense of. “She's not waking up!”
Bobbi quickly knelt down at Jemma’s side, finding the girl unconscious. Bobbi looked around her for a flashlight and shone it in Jemma’s eyes. Nothing. She came up and looked to Daisy, her doctor mode taking over. “Get one of the beds ready.” Daisy just stared at Jemma, and Bobbi could finally point out one of the emotions coiling in get eyes. Guilt. They had no time for guilt.
“Daisy!” she practically yelled. Daisy jumped back startled and send out a quake strong enough to wake the whole base. It's not like they could have been sleeping after Daisy's nightmare anyways. Regardless of who else was awake, Daisy ran off to get one of the beds ready, while Bobbi investigated Jemma.
When Daisy's head popped around the door to the med bay, Bobbi went to pick Jemma up. Daisy hasted towards her. “Let me.” Bobbi nodded and Daisy gently picked up her girlfriend. She carried her towards the now prepped bed, carefully putting her down.
That was the moment May and Coulson entered. They quickly walked over to the girls in the med bay, gasping in shock when they saw Jemma in the bed and Bobbi working with all kinds of wires.
“We felt the quakes. What happened?” Coulson asked worriedly. Meanwhile May had turned to Daisy to try to calm her down. Bobbi caught him up without interrupting her work. “Daisy had a nightmare and I woke and decided to get some tea. She bumped into me in the hallway and kept saying she needed to get to Jemma. We got here, Jemma was unconscious, Daisy panicked, and now I'm setting up a couple of things to check why Jemma fell unconscious because I have no idea.”
Coulson heard the strain in her voice and placed a soft hand on her shoulder. “You did good.” Bobbi shortly acknowledged him before fixing the last few things. May was still softly talking to Daisy, as the rest of the team entered, all of them wearing concerned looks. Bobbi looked up sharply. “Everybody. Out!” Daisy shook her head stubbornly and took a seat next to Jemma. Bobbi let her.
The rest of the team retreated to the lab, waiting for Bobbi or Daisy to come out. Until then they had to work with what Coulson could tell them. Bobbi came out ten minutes later, and she was immediately bombarded with questions. Daisy slipped out of the room and just watched as Bobbi glared everyone down before she started to speak.
“First of all, Jemma will be fine.” The group let out a collective sigh of relief, and Bobbi quickly continued. “She passed out due to pure exhaustion and lack of nutrition. I hooked her up on some IV’s, and now she just needs sleep and food. As for all of you, go back to bed. Maybe you can visit in the morning.” Fitz made a noise of protest, but a glare from Mack shut him up. Bobbi turned to Daisy.
“You can stay here if you want. I’ll be staying here as well and I could use the company.” Daisy hesitated. “This is my fault. I should have prevented this,” she stated softly. Bobbi shook her head. “No, Daisy. This isn’t on you.” Daisy smiled a sad, heart-braking smile.
“Oh, but it is. I knew this would happen. And I didn’t do anything. I mean I tried, but that never helped anyone. And now, she’s hurt, and I can’t do a damn thing.” Daisy lifted her arm to punch the wall in frustration, but May caught her wrist. Daisy tried to wriggle her wrist out of May’s iron grip, but to no success. Daisy glared at May, but she didn’t move an inch.
“Daisy. This is not your fault. You tried. Sometimes that is enough.” Daisy’s eyes shone with emotion. “Like how I tried to kill Mack and you shot me? Was that enough?” May flinched and Daisy pulled herself loose.
“I knew this was going on. She wouldn’t let me help her. I wanted to tell someone, but she asked me not to. She said everyone was to busy, and she had a job to do. She didn’t have time to eat or sleep, or so she thought. And I just let her work. This? This is on me. I let her get hurt. Just like how I let everyone get hurt. I’m starting to see a pattern, but you’re all too damn blind to see it!”
Coulson stepped forward. “Daisy, there is no pattern. Trip wasn’t your fault. Neither was Lincoln, or Mack or Fitz. And neither is this.” Daisy snapped.
“It was! Jemma was the only one I never hurt. I promised myself, not her. And look now!” she screamed. The group was silent. Mack and Fitz were looking down at heir shoes, avoiding her eyes. Hunter looked lost. May and Coulson looked like they wanted to put her in a cell and talk to her until she believed them. But she wouldn’t believe them. Because they were wrong. And because nobody else dared to go against her, she turned to Bobbi. She was not expecting Bobbi to look so cold, but Daisy was glad.
“I tried, Bob. I really did. It just wasn’t enough. I need to go.” Bobbi said nothing, so Daisy continued. “I can’t stay here. Even when Jemma wakes up, I can’t stay. I almost brought down the base tonight. Twice. I need out, until I’m better. Please, you have to understand.” Bobbi gave her a short nod. Daisy looked around for a pen and paper and scribbled something down. She shoved the paper towards Bobbi, who took it without a word. Daisy looked at May.
“Natasha Romanoff is having some trouble in Russia, last I heard. I’m gonna see if she needs help.” Everyone looked at May to see how she would react. May closed her eyes, willing herself not to scream. “Take a quinjet. She’ll appreciate the help.”
Coulson made a noise of protest, but Daisy ignored him. “I think she prefers just the plane, but thank you.” Daisy looked around the group and nodded. “I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to understand, but I hope you do.” She made a move to turn around, but firm arms around her suddenly held her down. Mack.
“I’ll miss you Tremors.” Daisy stood still until he released her and gave him an uneasy smile. “I’ll miss you too, big guy.”
Mack stepped back, and this time no-one tried to stop Daisy from leaving.
And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town
Once out of the room, Daisy quickened her pace. She stopped at her bunk, pulling cloths, a set of knifes, her ICER and some personal stuff in a duffel bag and walked around her room to see if she forgot anything. When she walked past her desk, her eye fell on her hula-girl. After a moment of deliberation, she put it in her bag. She stopped again at her bed, pressing a place near the headboard and took out what was inside.
After that, she left her room. She walked towards the kitchen, where she dropped the stack of letters on the table. She put on her shoes and took her leather jacket from the couch. When she turned towards the exit, someone blocked her.
“You know, this will hurt her a hundred times more than everything you have ever done in your entire life.” Daisy sighed. “I know, Bobbi. But this isn’t working. I can’t stay here and watch us fall apart every day, hoping the night gives us enough time to put ourselves back together. I have to go. For her sake, and mine.” Bobbi smiled sadly.
“You realise this means I failed too?” Daisy shook her head. “You never fail, Bob. You did everything you had to. Without you, I wouldn’t be anywhere anymore. But this is it. This is all I can do without slipping up and hurting someone else.” The blonde girl nodded. “I know. I’ll miss you.” Daisy smiled.
“I’ll miss you too.” Daisy hesitated. "Tell her I'm sorry. That I love her." Daisy chuckled. "I could never stop loving her. Please tell her." Bobbi nodded, a soft smile appearing on her face.
They stood in silence for a moment, but then Daisy took a deep breath and turned around. As she walked out of the room, she heard Bobbi’s voice calling after her. “You better come back here alive, Johnson. I’d hate to lose you.” Daisy smiled, knowing Bobbi couldn’t see, and mumbled a soft promise.
“I’ll come back. Alive.”
But, as Daisy made her way to the hanger and entered the quinjet, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she might break that promise. She ignored the dreading feeling and started up the jet. And as the jet took off and Daisy sat back, she realised that she was alone now.
She had left her family, the only ones who didn’t treat her like the killer she was.
She left Bobbi, the only one who understood her.
She left May, the only one she who took the time to teach her everything she needed to know.
And she left Jemma, the only one who loved her unconditionally.
For a moment, Daisy considered turning back. But she couldn’t. She’d end up hurting them, or worse. If hurting herself by leaving was the way to prevent that, then so be it. She sighed, set the coordinates for Russia and turned her gaze outside. She watched the world pass her window as she flew away from her family, her life, her love. She would try to come back. To come back alive. She smiled at herself.
She always tried.
She just hoped that this one time, it would be enough.
Maybe it would.
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
At least I'm trying