Chapter 16
Clarke had not taken a vacation since becoming trauma chief three years ago. While waiting for her shift to start on Friday, she scrolled through travel sites to determine where she would go if she decided to take a week off. Marcus was pushing her to use some of her paid vacation days. She would not use all three weeks but decided one week off would not ruin the emergency wing.
“Whatcha looking at?” Raven asked, spinning in the other chair.
“Vacation spots. Any ideas?” she asked without taking her eyes from the screen as she scrolled.
“Yeah,” she said. Raven spooned yogurt into her mouth. “Lexa’s bed.”
“Raven, please.”
Lexa was her main reason for wanting to get away. She was mentally and emotionally exhausted. She should have stayed on the night shift where she could pity herself without the constant onslaught of Lexa’s smell, her smile, her everything.
Honestly, Clarke Griffin was terrified. She was terrified of allowing herself to feel what she wanted to feel and not feel what she wanted to feel. She was scared of her own life, which she did not know was possible.
“Good morning,” Lexa said with a smile. Along with Clarke’s usual coffee, she held a small bag. “I brought you breakfast.”
Clarke took the coffee and bag as if on autopilot. She could see her arms moving but her brain had a harder time catching up.
“Why?” she asked.
“Because you always forget to eat in the mornings.”
Raven was practically choking on her own breakfast. She covered her mouth to hide her cough. Clarke could not take her eyes off the woman standing in front of the counter. Lexa was intentionally making things harder than they needed to be.
When Clarke did not reply, Lexa went on. “You’re grumpy until lunch,” she said, grinning. She started for the locker room to change while Clarke stared in shock.
“I think I might be in love with her,” Raven said, laughing.
“Shut up, Raven,” she said, pushing away from the counter. She left the coffee and food in front of the computer. Rather than follow Lexa into the locker rooms, she walked through the swinging doors that separated the emergency wing from the hospital and rushed up the stairs.
“You really fucked up now,” Raven said.
“What did I do this time?” Lexa asked.
“You’re too nice.”
“I can be mean. In fact, I might start now. To you.”
“Yeah, right. I bet you help people in the grocery stores. I mean, dammit, Lex. Breakfast? You’re making all of us look bad.”
Lexa rolled her eyes and put her hands on both hips. She raised an eyebrow at Raven’s scrutiny. “You’re mad I didn’t bring you anything?” she asked. “You weren’t supposed to be here today.”
“Octavia called in. That’s not the problem.”
“Enlighten me, please.”
“You know, I like your style. She tells you she can’t date you, so you pull out all the stops. I respect that.”
Lexa was not in the mood to argue with Raven about her reasons for bringing Clarke a measly scone. Frankly, she wanted to be as far away from this conversation as possible. There was no ulterior motive for her decision. She had been at the coffee shop when the woman brought out a tray. It was not a planned move. Everything she did was being dissected.
But Clarke’s face had been worth it. Lexa was happy to do nice things for her because she wanted to make the other woman happy. She would do the same for anyone she had feelings for. Just because they were not officially dating did not mean Lexa would suppress her desires to do nice things for Clarke. She wanted to do more. Much, much more.
Perhaps resuming at Chicago Med was the right choice after all.
“She’s in the break room,” Raven said.
“And?” she asked.
“She’s mad at you.”
“Who isn’t?”
Lexa snapped off her gloves and started for the break room. She was already ready to go home, and her shift began only an hour ago. She found Clarke sitting on the couch, knees bent with a chart on her thighs, as she filled everything that had been done for the person thus far. Her hair was split down the middle, half pulled behind one ear while the rest hid her face.
“Hey,” Lexa said, unable to think of anything else to say.
Clarke looked back over her shoulder and grinned slightly. “Need something?” she asked.
“No,” she said. “Just checking on you. I haven’t seen you since I got here.”
“I’ve been catching up on paperwork,” she said. “Spring is the most hectic time for proposals.”
“What kind of proposals?”
“A burn unit. It's been in the works for a few years, but I couldn’t find the proper funding until a few months ago.”
“That’s awesome.”
Clarke did not seem upset. She just seemed focused. Lexa wanted to sit beside her and help the woman make the hundreds of decisions she surely made every day, but something held her in place by the door.
“Everything’s okay, right?” she asked.
“Yes,” Clarke said. “Everything’s great. Perfect, even.”
“Okay,” she said, dragging the word out. “Look. I'm sorry if I overstepped a boundary or something, but I was already there and I...”
“No,” she said, interrupting. “You didn’t. I appreciated it.”
“So, we’re good?”
“We’re fine. Are you going out tonight?”
“I don’t know. Are you?”
Clarke looked over her shoulder, over the back of the couch, where Lexa stood by the door. Her eyebrows were drawn together as if in confusion but there was an expression in her eyes she had never seen before. It reminded Lexa of a storm at sea.
“If you do,” Clarke replied.
Lexa smiled at that. She saw Clarke’s expression turn softer without a move of the woman’s mouth. Every emotion was spoken in her blue eyes.
“See you later then,” she said before leaving the break room.
On the drive home, Clarke realized she had no idea what to wear. She wanted to text Raven to ask what she was wearing, but her best friend would read too much into the question. She did, in fact, own clothes that were not scrubs much to the surprise of everyone she worked with. She had been out to a bar in many years unless grabbing a drink with Raven after work which was few and far between.
They were meeting in two hours. She spent the first hour taking a shower. She had music playing on her built-in speakers around the house in hopes of calming her nerves which were working overtime. She was excited to get out of the house for the night even if she did not plan to drink much because of her shift the next day. She was also nervous, but she knew what she had to do.
“C’mon, Clarke,” Raven said, holding a full shot glass in her face.
Lexa smiled as she turned down yet another drink from the already tipsy Raven who was determined to make Clarke stay at the bar as long as possible. Eventually, Clarke gave Lexa a look, begging her to intervene, which she did by grabbing the shot and throwing it back.
“You’ll only get one of those,” Lexa said to Clarke. “You’re on your own for the rest.”
Raven was smiling as she pushed Anya back toward the bar. Lexa sat on one of the chairs after her friend got up and leaned against one elbow propped up on the table. Clarke stepped forward and reached around for her drink until her body pressed against Lexa’s side. She shivered internally. She could feel every curve and dip in the front of the other woman’s body. She wanted to rip off her clothes and feel everything.
Lexa was positive that Clarke was torturing her on purpose. She just was not sure what that purpose was.
“Clarke,” she whispered, turning her body so they were not as close.
But Clarke moved until she was standing between Lexa’s knees. The space between them buzzed with something Lexa could not label and did not want to. Clarke’s body felt like a magnet. Without thought, she placed her hand on Clarke’s outer thigh which was blocked by the tight black jeans she wore but the heat coming through the fabric was enough for now. Touching her felt like she was breaking every rule.
“I love the way you say my name,” she said.
“How do I say it?” she asked.
“I can’t explain it, but I like it. A lot.”
“Interesting. Anything else I should know?”
Clarke bit her bottom lip to hide a smile. Lexa reached out and ran her thumb over the smooth skin, pulling it from her teeth, until she was smiling ear to ear. It was a gorgeous sight. She wanted to tell Clarke how much she liked her smile but the look in her eyes made her rethink the words. Clarke had never looked as intense as she did then, standing in a poorly lit bar, with their friends only a few feet away.
“I should leave,” Clarke said. “I really, really need to leave.”
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I don’t trust myself around you.”
Lexa was not sure when the room shrunk or when her lungs stopped being able to take in air. She could only stare as Clarke reached out to touch her cheek, her jaw, her chin. The touch was too much. She grabbed the woman’s wrist to pull her hand away.
“Clarke,” Lexa whispered. “Please. I can’t…”
“We shouldn’t,” she replied. “We should just… leave.”
“And then what?” she asked.
“Does that matter?”
Perhaps the alcohol had begun to take effect, but she had only had one drink and Clarke’s shot. She could blame her own stupidity for agreeing to Clarke’s proposition. She was so tired of beating herself up for feeling anything for Clarke. It was worse knowing the other woman was doing the same thing. They agreed to leave at separate times despite Lexa not wanting to let her out of her sight. Clarke left without saying goodbye to anyone which was fitting. Lexa found Anya and Raven at the bar. They frowned when she said she was leaving but she blamed a long shift on her early departure. Knowing Clarke was waiting in the parking lot for her was all the motivation she needed.
Lexa smiled when she saw the blonde leaning against her SUV. She had assumed they would go to Clarke’s house, but her apartment was closer.
“This is one of the dumbest things I have ever done, you know?” Lexa teased as she approached.
Clarke giggled like a teenager skipping school. “I’ve never lied to Raven before,” she said. “Feels wrong.”
“You better get used to it,” she said. “Because I’m not sure if I was very subtle. And they’ll come back to find you gone, so…”
Before she could finish her sentence, Clarke’s hands were on her face. She did not have a chance to process anything before their mouths pressed together in a desperate attempt to get even closer to each other. Lexa pressed her back to the car, slipped one knee between her legs, and pressed her hand to the back of her neck. Her head tilted back as if on instinct, which gave Lexa an even better angle.
Something changed as soon as their lips met.
“I still have to drive, Clarke,” she whispered, barely pulling her lips away. “It’ll already be hard enough to do.”
She giggled.