Chapter 11
Jake died on Thursday. Clarke texted Raven on Friday morning with the news. The funeral was scheduled for Wednesday with the visitation on Tuesday. She had taken the days off to be with Clarke and Abby. Everyone planned to visit while off those two days as everyone could not take off a full day.
The emergency room was somber as Raven gathered everyone in front of the nurse’s station. Octavia placed her hand on Raven’s back as the woman cleared her throat to speak.
“I’m sure you’ve already heard, but Jake passed away Thursday afternoon,” she said. “I’m not sure how long Dr. Griffin will be out, but we’re…”
The doors opened and Clarke walked through. She was already dressed in scrubs, presumably a pair she wore home and washed, and her backpack. She raised an eyebrow, daring someone to question her, before walking to the locker rooms to put her stuff away. Raven sighed, waved everyone off, and followed her best friend.
“Umm… okay,” Raven said, pushing through the door. “So… you’re here.”
“Yes, I’m here,” she said.
“Why?”
“Why are you here?”
“I’m working.”
“Me too.”
Raven tried not to get frustrated. Clarke was going through the motions as if nothing was wrong. Once ready, she started for the door. Raven had no idea what to say to stop her from hitting the floor, so she stayed silent. Instead, she went to find Lexa.
Lexa almost ran into Raven on her way out of the trauma room. “Whoa,” she said. “What’s wrong?”
“Clarke’s here,” she said.
“Yeah, I heard. Octavia came to find me.”
The fact that everyone was telling Lexa the news was encouraging but not something Raven could focus on right now.
“You have to go talk to her,” she said.
“I can try, but I guarantee it won’t matter.”
“It will matter.”
Lexa had no idea what to say to Clarke. Her father died three days ago. It was too raw to be properly dealt with. She understood why Clarke was here and that was hard for Raven to accept. However, as a friend, Lexa was willing to learn how Clarke was dealing with the news. They had not spoken since their last shift with the car and ambulance wreck.
She finished rounds and found Clarke standing outside the pharmacy, holding a piece of paper.
“Clarke,” she said. “I’m sorry about your dad. I really am.”
“Thanks,” she said without looking up.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing, it’s… well, it’s not nothing. It’s… a mess. Have you seen anyone coming in and out of the pharmacy too much? More than others, I mean.”
“No, I haven’t.”
“If you did, would you tell me?”
Lexa raised an eyebrow at the woman. She was not sure what about their previous interactions suggested she would lie.
“Yes, I would tell you, Clarke,” she said. “Let’s go get food. I haven’t eaten yet.”
“I just got here. I’m not hungry.”
Clarke was back to staring at the paper in her hand. Lexa slowly, carefully, reached out and took the paper from her hand. Clarke did not fight her, which she was grateful for. She did not look at the information printed as she did not care and was not one to spy on private information. Finally, Clarke met her eyes.
“Please,” Lexa said. “I haven’t eaten since this morning, and you look like you haven’t eaten in days.”
Clarke sighed. “Yeah, okay,” she said.
They hung their white coats in the locker room before leaving the hospital. She made sure to remove her name from the list of available doctors before stepping out. It was not her time for a break, but Raven would cover for however long she needed to ensure Clarke was okay. They walked toward the river rather than the restaurants. It was a beautiful day and made her wish she were not working. She wished they were walking together because they wanted to spend time together. Now was not the time to think those thoughts.
“How’s your mom?” Lexa asked.
“She’s… I don’t really know,” she said. “She seems okay considering everything. We both knew, I think. He was out of it the last few days.”
She expected Clarke to cry but should have known better. Clarke had probably spent the past three days crying. She was desperate for a distraction. Lexa sat on one of the benches facing the water and patted the seat beside her. Clarke’s smile was slow but visible as she sat. They stared at the water, watching boats pass, for a while. People walked by with kids and dogs. It was peaceful.
“Lexa,” Clarke said.
She tried not to be distracted by the way Clarke said her name.
“Yeah?” she asked.
“Do you ever regret going into medicine?”
“All the time. But I wouldn’t change it.”
“I wouldn’t either, but… we could be doing anything else.”
“My dad really wanted me to go into the UFC with him. I thought about it for a few years. When he died, I realized how much abuse his body had suffered. I knew he had problems, but I had no idea how many he dealt with every day.”
“Why did you decide to go into trauma?”
Lexa stared at the water as she considered the question. There was no good answer other than her enjoying the chaotic environment. She had known what specialty she wanted since walking into an emergency room during her first year of medical school.
“I landed in trauma by chance at Chicago Med,” she said. “I walked in on my first day while they were dealing with a building collapse. Everyone was running around and shouting at each other, but I could see how easily they worked together. They could communicate without words. It was the best thing I ever witnessed. Somehow, everyone survived. About five years in, someone died from an overdose, and I wanted to try addiction recovery which absolutely kicked my ass. Why did you choose trauma?”
“I didn’t want to choose a single specialty,” she said, shrugging. “I wanted to do everything.”
“You should go home, Clarke,” she said. “Or, at least, stay on the desk for today.”
“I can’t be home. If you want, I won’t take any cases by myself.”
“Thank you. I'll come to you first if I need an assist.”
“Thanks, Lexa.”
Their plan worked for six hours. Clarke stayed at a desk or lingered in the hall while everyone else took the lead on the cases. She seemed content to be on the sidelines for once. Lexa could tell she was distracted but she managed to catch up on paperwork and work on journal pieces while still helping anyone with questions.
Raven checked on her frequently. Clarke was never annoyed with her constant presence, which was a relief. Lexa was glad the two women had each other. She could see the relief on Clarke’s face when Raven was around. She seemed okay considering everything that had happened in the past week. Lexa had a feeling everything would hit after the funeral.
“I need someone in the field,” a paramedic said. “Dr. Woods, you’ve never been out with us. Want to join?”
“Yes,” she said. “Let me tell someone first.”
She approached Clarke since the woman was still the chief despite desk duty. “Hey, I’m going out with an ambulance,” she said. “You’ll be okay? I’ll be back in a little bit.”
“I’ll be fine, Lex,” she said. “I don’t need a babysitter, you know.”
Lexa lifted both hands in surrender as she walked backward toward the doors. “Just checking,” she said. “Don’t miss me too much, Griffin.”
Clarke rolled her eyes but there was a smile on her face as she watched Lexa leave.
As she stepped out into the sun, Lexa realized how fucked she truly was.