Schmigadoon!
It’s been a year since Alana, Evan and Jared graduated from High School. While Alana and Jared went to College, Evan stayed home to work on his mental health. He also got a part-time job at Ellison Park. Zoe just graduated from High School too and will leave for College in a couple of weeks. They all wanted to use this summer to spend more time together. Just the four of them, getting closer.
They all ended up being friends after everything that happened after Connor’s suicide but since Alana and Jared left for College right after graduating they got more distant over the months. They met up a lot every break but every time they met, while Alana and Zoe always got closer, Jared and Evan got even further away from each other. Jared always found a reason to start a fight and Evan was triggered into fighting back very easily.
That’s how Zoe and Alana got the absolutely amazing idea of a camping trip to Ellison Park. They all loved the idea.
“I hate this!” Except Jared. “I could be at home right now and do…”, he thought about it for a moment. “...literally anything that isn’t this.”
“No”, Alana said. “This is great! We can all really bond over this!” She walked pretty fast and straight-forward even though she volunteered to be carrying the biggest backpack with most of their stuff inside. Jared was wearing a regular backpack while Evan had a slightly bigger one to fit in Zoe’s stuff too since she already had her guitar with her.
Jared rolled his eyes. “No, thank you.”
“Well, you could at least try…” Evan said quietly, not looking up from the ground, he kept focusing on.
“Says the guy who can’t even look anyone in the eye”, Jared snapped back.
Evan wanted to say something back but couldn’t think of any smart comeback. He scratched his right arm instead. It was a new nervous habit he developed a couple of months ago.
“Jared”, Alana started but got cut off as it suddenly started raining.
“Seriously?!” Jared asked. “You said, it wouldn’t rain!” He looked back at Evan who was now looking into the dark clouds.
“It wasn’t supposed to…”
“Okay…”, Zoe said, trying to be louder than the roaring rain that somehow kept getting more and more. “We didn’t walk that far yet, we could just go back home and come back another time. I mean camping doesn’t make a lot of sense with this amount of rain. Evan, which way back home?”
“Um…”, Evan looked at the trees around them.
“Evan?” Jared asked with the same annoyed tone, he was always addressing him with.
“I um… it looks different…”
“Are you fucking serious?! You said, you know the park!”
“I-I- do… but I feel like I’ve never been here… Here are way more trees than there are supposed to be…”
“Of course!” Jared exclaimed. “Because trees just appear out of nowhere! Well done, tree-lover!”
“Now stop fighting…”, Alana said. “Let’s just walk back into the direction we just came from and try to find our way back.” She went past her friends and into the direction they came from.
Very quickly they were all soaking-wet.
“I am not saying that this is anyone’s fault. But I’m sure we all know that this is Evan’s fault”, Jared said and bumped into Alana who suddenly stopped walking. “What’s wrong?”, he asked.
“Shh!” Alana said. “Don’t you hear that?”
They all went quiet and listened. Then they heard it.
“Church bells”, Zoe said.
“You hear them too?” Evan asked.
“What?” Jared asked, already annoyed again. “You sometimes hear church bells that no one else does?”
Evan didn’t bother to answer. He already followed Alana into the direction of the church bells. A few steps further to the sound there was a bridge. It was mostly covered in fog, so they couldn’t see where it lead.
“There must be a town across that bridge”, Zoe said.
“Yeah no… We’re still in Ellison Park. There can’t be a town”, Evan argued.
“But it does sound like it”, Alana said.
“Well, only one way to find it out”, Jared said, already walking towards the bridge.
The other three followed.
On the other side of the fog was a trail surrounded by grass, trees and bushes which all looked very fake. At the end of the trail was actually a little town. It felt like they stepped into a different world through that fog. It even had stopped raining and they were all somehow completely dry again.
“Wow”, Jared said. “This looks like Disney World. I mean I’ve never been there but that’s how I imagine it.”
“This is weird”, Zoe said, looking down her now dry clothes. “It stopped raining…”
“Schmigadoon?” Alana asked, reading the town sign next to the trail. There was a painted picture of the exact same view they had right now under the name with the sentence “We always strive for peace and happiness” on it. At the bottom of the sign it read “Pop. 167”.
“Sure, there’s no town here?” Jared asked walking past Evan. “As long as they have a functioning toilet, I’m in.”
The others followed.
“It still doesn’t make sense though”, Evan said, looking around. “And what’s with all those fake plants?”
“Not everyone’s as horny for plants as you are, Evan!” Jared said.
They followed the trail to an archway full of lavender. Behind it there was a very small town. A little meadow in the middle, surrounded by houses and one church. It all looked way too perfect. On that meadow where a lot of people wearing colonial clothes just walking around with their partners and greeting everyone they walked past.
“Okay…” Zoe said. “What is this?”
Suddenly music started playing from somewhere.
“And why is music coming from everywhere?” Jared asked.
“Welcome to our little town!”
A woman sang, walking past them with her husband.
“Where friends are all you meet.”
Another man sang.
“And you will never see a frown.”
Another woman sang.
A guy who seemed to be the milkman waved into the crowd. “Hey, everyone!”
“Hey there, Pete!” everyone said in sync and waved back. Then they turned back to the four friends and continued singing.
“We bet you're prob'ly wondering what we call the most beautiful, wonderful, magical place of all.”
“Okay… what is happening?” Jared asked confused.
“It must be something like a tourist attraction!” Alana said excited.
“But that shouldn’t be happening here…” Evan said quietly.
The people all started dancing now.
“Schmigadoon! Where the sun shines bright from July to June and the air's as sweet as a macaroon. Schmigadoon! Schmigadoon! Where it's warm and safe as a new cocoon and our hearts aglow like a harvest moon. Schmigadoon! Schmigadoon! Where the men are men and the cows are cows.”
“That doesn’t even make sense”, Jared said. He was annoyed by that whole act.
“And the farmers smile as we push their plows and the trees are tall and we call it Schmigadoon!”
“Come on”, Alana said. “It’s charming.”
Jared only shook his head.
“Our schoolmarm is Emma Tate. She helps our kids to punctuate. Still unmarried at 28!”
“Charming, huh?” Jared asked but got ignored from his friends.
“In Schmigadoon! Farmer McDonough craved a son but he had daughters, every one.”
“Touch 'em and you'll answer to my gun”, the farmer said showing off his gun. Suddenly a shot got off and someone screamed “Ow!”
“Sorry, Pete”, the farmer said.
“In Schmigadoon! Larry Beam puts out our fires, Helen Pritt conducts the choirs, Doc is here to cure what ails.”
The people seemed to simply introduce everyone now.
“And I am here in case he fails”, a guy said who was currently polishing a casket for some reason.
“He is here in case he fails! Henry Brown brings our ice, Madam Vina gives advice.”
“In that shack is Buford Riggs”, Madam Vina said.
“I do unspeakable things to pigs”, Buford Riggs said.
“He does unspeakable things to pigs! Pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs, pigs!”
The four friends shared a few confused glances before looking at a kid that shouted “It’s the mayor!”
“This is never gonna end…”, Jared sighed.
Suddenly there was a podium in front of the church with a man standing behind it. The man head a moustache and a big tophat. On the podium it read “Aloysius Menlove for Mayor”. The man, who already seemed to be the mayor, also had a red button with that statement on his grey jacket.
Jared couldn’t help himself but chuckle quietly about that last name.
“As mayor of Schmigadoon”, he started. “I feel that I must stress, our motto is: "We always strive for peace and happiness”."
“Our motto is: "We always strive for peace and happiness”."
Everyone agreed.
A not too happy looking brunette woman stepped to the podium next.
“It’s Mrs. Layton!” the boy from before announced.
“But if Schmigadoon is to endure, it must be kept pristine and pure. This land on which our fathers trod must ever obey the laws of God.”
She held up a bible at the end.
“Oh boy…”, Jared said.
“Everybody!” the mayor was back behind the podium.
And now everyone was singing and dancing again
“Schmigadoon! Where the church bells ring every day and noon.”
“And the Wells Fargo wagon brought my new harpoon”, the farmer said, shooting in the air.
“Ow!”
“Sorry, Pete!”
“Schmigadoon! Where a man can dream dreams so big and wide and a gal can be ever by his side. And there's room for all whether quaint or small. There's no folderol, bring your parasol. And we call it Schmiga-, Schmiga- Schmiga- Schmiga- Schmiga-, S-C-H-M-I-G-A-D-O-O-N, Schmigadoon!”
“Oh, thank God, it’s over…”, Jared said.
Alana cheered and applauded for that number. Zoe and Evan also started clapping after short hesitation.
“Okay”, Jared said. “Can we please go now?”
“Already?” Alana asked.
“Guys, you know how much I hate musicals. People don’t just burst into song in real life.”
“Howdy folks!” the mayor said, approaching with a woman next to him.
“Oh no why are they coming here?” Jared asked.
“Hello Mr. Mayor!” Alana greeted politely.
“Welcome to Schmigadoon!” the mayor said excited. “Mayor Aloysius Menlove at your service.”
Jared tried not to chauckle again about the name.
“And this is my wife, Florence”, he said pointing to the woman next to him.
“Here, have a button!”, she said giving one to all four of the friends. It was the same one that she and the mayor were wearing.
“I’m running unopposed again”, he said.
“But who doesn’t love buttons”, the couple said together and then started laughing about that.
Suddenly Jared wished he was back at NYU, studying a topic he didn’t understand.
“I’m Alana. These are my friends Zoe, Evan and Jared.”
“Pleased to meet you!” the mayor said. “You’ll be staying at the Schmigadoon Inn, of course.”
“Oh, you’ll love it”, Florence said. Aloysius and I stayed there on our honeymoon. Although we didn’t get much sleep that night”, Jared wasn’t able to hold back an “Ew...” before Florence finished her sentence. “on account of all the roosters out back.”
Evan shot Jared a bad look which made the latter roll his eyes.
“You know, that might actually be a great idea”, Alana said. That way they could still do their camping trip and sleep in an actual bed.
“That settles it then”, the mayor said and turned around to look at the kid who announced the mayor and Mrs. Layton earlier. “Carson, run down to the inn and tell Harvey, we have four very special guests checking in.”
“Yes, sir, Mr. Mayor!” the kid said with a heavy lisp and ran off.
After he disappeared the Reverend and Mrs. Layton appeared in front of them. Somehow the Reverend looked way nicer than her. It was like seeing an angel and a demon right next to each other.
“Well”, Mrs. Layton said. “what two unusual and exotic couples you make. No wedding rings, I see.”
All four of them were equally shocked at her assumption.”Uh no! None of us are dating, we’re just friends!” Alana said. “All of us.”
“Definitely wouldn’t date any of them!” Jared said.
Everyone looked at him.
“You know, a “no” would’ve been enough…”, Evan said, looking back at the ground and scratching his arm.
“Really?” Jared asked. “Would it?”
“Anyhoo, I’m Mildred Layton and this is my husband, the Reverend Layton.” Mrs. Layton said, looking back at her husband. “Shoulders back, Howard, like you have a purpose.”
Reverend Layton pushed his shoulders back. “I hope you folks can stay till Sunday. Would love to see you in the congregation, it’d be really special.”
“I can promise you, we will be long gone by then. And even if we wouldn’t be, I would rather do literally anything else”, Jared said. He hated church and religion. The only thing he liked about it was the amount of money and presents he got for his bat mitzvah.
“So, where’s this inn?” Alana asked.
“Right this way.”
They followed the mayor to the inn.
“Try to be nice for once, okay?” Evan asked.
“I am fucking nice, okay? I just don’t like conservative people…”
“It is kind of modern…”, Evan tried to argue. “I mean, you saw the Ensemble. It’s color-blind casting…”
“Yeah, but I also feel like the preacher’s wife doesn’t like our color-blind casting”, Alana said, looking over to Mrs. Layton.
“See, even Alana agrees with me”, Jared said.
“Hey there, pretty”, a guy, leaning against a wall was looking directly at them. At Jared, to be exact. “Want the thrill of a lifetime?”
“M-me?” Jared asked. He got nervous looking into the strangers blue eyes.
“First ride’s one me”, he said. He was standing right next to a sign for the “Tunnel of Love”, so Jared guessed that that’s what the guy meant.
“Um…”, Jared could practically feel his cheeks blushing. That guy really seemed to be flirting with him and he wasn’t used to be flirted with. Especially not from a guy who’s as pretty as that one. Or a guy in general.
“You keep your distance, Danny Bailey!”, Mrs. Layton said, stepping forward and blocking Jared’s perfect view of that handsome guy. “This town would be a far more decent place without the likes of you.”
“Now, Mrs. Layton”, they guy, who’s name seemed to be Danny, said. “You don’t mean that.”
“Oh, yes I do!” she said, her voice an octave higher than before. “You’re nothing but a scoundrel, a rapscallion, and, pardon my Jewish, a no-goodnik. Go ahead”, she then said to the friends without looking at them. “the inn’s right over there. Don’t waste any more of your time with this carnival trash.”
As they kept walking towards the inn, Jared looked back at Danny who winked at him. He blushed again.
Inside of the inn no one was at the reception, so Alana rang the bell.
An extremely happy looking man appeared. “Sorry to keep you waiting”, he said. “You must be the visitors everyone is talking about. Suppose, you’re looking for a room? Or two?”
Before Alana could answer, Mrs. Layton came in. “Four rooms. None of them are married, Harvey, and I’m sure you’re well aware of the town rules regarding such things.”
“Yes.” The man suddenly seemed pretty scared. “Yes, of course, Mrs. Layton. Four rooms.”
“Okay, sorry but do you think, we’re just all going to hook-up when we share rooms?” Jared asked.
“And it does seem unlogical to pay for four rooms when we can fit in two”, Alana agreed.
Harvey looked behind the four friends to Mrs. Layton. “Sorry”, he said then. “Town policy is town policy.”
“Okay you know what, whatever. We’ll take the four rooms”, Jared said, rolling his eyes again.
“Wonderful”, Harvey said. “That’ll be two dollars.”
“Two…?” Alana asked confused.
“Pay the man, Evan”, Jared said not even looking at him.
Evan reached into his pocket and gave Harvey two dollars. In exchange Harvey laid four keys on the desk
“This place is totally insane”, Zoe said quietly as they went to their rooms.
“Right?” Jared said. “I do want to check out this carnival stuff though.”
“I want that too”, Evan said.
“Yeah great. I’ll go there after I took a shower and you can go there at any other time. How’s that?” Jared said, walked into his room and closed the door behind him.
Evan sighed. “Why does he hate me…?”
“Oh, Evan”, Alana said. “I think, he hates everyone.”
Between seven and eight that evening Jared went over to the carnival place. He didn’t see any of his friends since he left to his room. But he did hear Alana laugh from Zoe’s room, so he guessed that they were having fun. Without him. Which he preferred. Because what should he tell them why he was suddenly so curious about that carnival stuff and that super corny “Tunnel of Love?”
Jared knew he was gay for at least 3 years. But since then he always tried to hide it by saying stuff that sounded really straight or making up make-out sessions with girls that never happened. At home he constantly heard his father complaining about the youth that “keeps making up sexualities” and how teens now “have to choose their gender”. His parents thought homosexuality was a modern trend. Of course Jared knew that his friends would be cool about that. But then he would be that gay friend and that stupid crush on Evan he developed over the past two years would’ve been even worse. He already was afraid that anyone would notice that. People would definitely see it if they knew that he’s gay.
Finally Jared stood in front of the “Tunnel of Love”. Danny was currently repairing something on it.
“Evening Mr.”, he said as he noticed Jared standing there.
“Also evening Mr.…” Jared answered unsure.
“I don’t believe, we were properly introduced”, Danny said wiping his hands clean with a towel. “The name’s Danny.” He jumped down from the attraction to Jared. “Danny Bailey”, he reached out his now clean hand.
“Yes”, Jared answered. “The Rapscallion.” He shook his hand. “I’m Jared. Kleinman.”
Danny took Jared’s hand up to his mouth and kissed with an intense look into his eyes.
Jared blushed again and looked around for a distraction. “Um it’s beautiful here at night…”
“It’s not alone”, Danny said. “Offer’s still open. First ride’s on me. Second one too.”
“Oh, no. I’m just here to look around…”, Jared said.
“You’re a funny kid”, Danny said and suddenly the wind blew pink blossoms over them.
“Wow, look at all those blossoms…” Jared said. It was actually quite beautiful. Sometimes Jared got why Evan liked nature so much. It had some real wonders.
“Happens a lot this time of year”, Danny explained. “Whenever the wind blows.”
Evan would’ve probably bored Jared with a ton of “fun” facts about these blossoms now.
“So, you have a feller?”
Feller? Who says that? Jared thought. “N-No…”, he said. Because I’m not gay.
Suddenly Danny was extremely close. Jared opened his mouth to say something before noticing that he had no idea what to say.
“Wait a minute”, Danny said, taking a step back. “What are you trying to do? Are you trying to get me to fall for you?”
“What?” Jared was confused. Until now it seemed the exact other way around. “No.”
“Then why do those crazy kind of thoughts keep running through my head?”
“I don’t really…”
“Well, you can forget it.” Danny said when music started playing. “Because no one is gonna tie Danny Bailey down, no how.”
“Sure.”
Then Danny did exactly what Jared feared and started singing.
“When a squirrel wants another squirrel, he don't bother to get attached.“
“Okay, why the hell not…”, Jared said, sitting down on the wood of the “Tunnel of Love”. At least Danny had a nice voice and was hot.
“And a robin don't think about the future when he's got an itch to be scratched.”
Danny got really close to Jared at that point which made the latter chuckle nervously.
“You’re, um, you’re really good…”
“I'm like an animal in the wild. So here's a truth to which you must be reconciled: You can't tame me. This buck was meant to be free. A cowgirl on the range in El Paso smiled at me and got out her lasso and that's when I put on the gas, so you can't tame me.”
Danny danced around a bit which looked pretty skilled and then sat down next to Jared for the next verse.
“You can't tame me. I'm like the wind on the sea. A music tеacher named Annabella triеd her best to make me her fella. But I choose to live a cappella. You can't tame me, it's true.”
He stood up again, taking Jared’s hand.
“But if anyone could, it'd be someone like you.”
He got closer again, almost kissing Jared and then suddenly got away again real fast. Danny started dancing again. He did a bit tap dancing and then pulled Jared up to join him for a few spins.
When Danny was finished with the dance part and Jared started regretting going to the carnival in the first place, Danny put his arms around Jared to continue singing.
“And somehow I can see exactly how it'd be.”
Danny let go of Jared and walked forward while looking into that direction as if he would actually see something.
“In a cozy little cottage with a white picket fence and a tractor that always needs fixin'. And beamin' with pride as the prettiest bride this side of the Mason-Dixon.”
“Wait, bride?” Jared asked confused.
“We'd have a kid or two or three. Two girls for you and two boys for me.”
“Okay, not that I’m planning on getting any but technically shouldn’t be all of them for both of us?”
“And the two of us would share one heart until someday we'd die one day apart.”
Once again was Danny coming closer and then almost kissing Jared before pulling away. “But that'll never be”, he said and walked away from Jared for the last part.
“'Cause you can't tame me!”
“Great”, Jared said. “Bravo. That was a very handsome song…”
“What song?” Danny asked serious.
“The one you were just singing to me.”
“Singing?”
“Okay”, Jared sighed. “Whatever. It’s getting late, I’m really tired… and confused. I should head back. So, thank you. And good night.”
Jared went to the exit without looking back at Danny and bumped right into Evan. “Evan!” Jared said shocked. “Wh-What are you doing here?”
“I told you that I wanted to come here too…” Evan looked passed Jared, not at him. He never really looked at him anymore. “Was there another song just now?”
“What?? No! Totally not!” Jared said, thanking Evan’s insecurities that he didn’t look at him and couldn’t see him blush. “Anyways um let’s go back, it’s late!” Jared took Evan’s hand and went back to the inn with him.
Evan didn’t complain.
The next morning all four friends sat at a table outside of the inn to get breakfast.
“Hey maybe we can all together go that carnival place later”, Alana suggested.
“Oh um it’s actually pretty boring. Nothing special. Wouldn’t even call it a carnival…” Jared said. He felt Evan looking at him. Was probably the first time since he got back from college. He looked at Evan which made him look away immediately.
“I’m hungry…”, Evan said quietly.
“Yeah me too. Waitress?” Jared called out, unsure if that would actually lead to someone coming to their table.
A young blonde girl came to their table. Her name tag read “Betsy”. “Good morning”, she said. “How are we doing today? Sleep well last night?”
“Yes”, Jared said looking at her name-tag. “Betsy.”
“Slept like a log”, Evan added.
That last comment had Betsy laugh out loud. “Oh, my gosh”, she said. “Like a log? That is hilarious. ‘Cause logs don’t sleep! You’re so funny!” she gently pushed Evan’s shoulder.
“What is happening?” Jared asked.
“I’m not that funny”, Evan said blushing.
“He’s really not”, Jared agreed.
“Could we maybe order something?” Alana asked.
“Sure”, Betsy said. “You are actually in luck because today we have our world-famous corn puddin’.”
“Corn puddin’?” Alana asked. “What’s that?”
“What?” Betsy asked confused. “Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never heard of corn puddin’? She’s never heard of corn puddin’!”
Everyone was looking at their table now.
“Oh no. It’s a song”, Jared complained. “You just started another song…” Just as he said that the people around them started singing.
“Corn puddin', corn puddin', corn puddin', corn puddin', corn puddin', corn puddin'! My gal loves corn puddin', she eats it constantly. Sometimes, I get to wondering, does she love it more than me? Does she love it more than me? My guy loves corn puddin', I got the recipe, so if he wants my puddin' he'll have to marry me. Oh, he'll have to marry me. You put the corn in the puddin' and the puddin' in the bowl. You put the bowl in the belly ‘cause it's good for the soul. You put the corn in the puddin' and the puddin' in the bowl. You put the bowl in thе belly ‘cause it's good for the soul.”
Out of nowhere the cook appeared with a big bowl of what seemed to be corn puddin’.
“Who wants corn puddin'?”
“Wе want corn puddin'!”
“Who wants corn puddin'?”
“We want corn puddin'!”
Suddenly they all stopped singing and looked at the four friends while the music continued.
“I think they want us to take a verse…”, Evan said.
“Mm-mm”, Jared said. “I'm not singing and you're not singing.”
“Come on, could be fun”, Alana said now.
“No, do not”, Jared started but Alana ignored him.
“Never had corn puddin'”
She started singing.
“Why?” Jared asked annoyed.
“And it may be a waste but if you've got some extry”
“Extry?” Jared asked.
“I sure would like a taste.”
“Oh, she sure would like a taste! Corn, corn, corn, corn, corn puddin'! Yum!”
“Yum!” Alana agreed laughing. “That was so fun! It was like as soon as I started singing, I knew what to say.”
“That’s fantastic”, Jared said bored. “Can we please go now?”
“What? Why?”
“Are you serious, Alana? The entire town and you just spent the last five minutes singing about corn pudding.”
“Did somebody say “corn puddin’”?” Someone asked and the music came back.
“We’re leaving”, Jared said, getting up.
“Okay…”, Alana sighed. “But that one’s on you.”
The friends took their stuff and walked the trail back to the bridge while the town was still singing about corn puddin’.
“I just feel bad”, Alana said. “Everybody was so nice. We didn’t even say goodbye.”
“And risk starting another song?” Jared asked. “They’ll be fine.
The finally reached the end of the trail and were standing on the bridge again. In front of them was Schmigadoon.
“What?” Alana asked.
They turned back. Schmigadoon, in front of them.
“What is going on?” Jared asked.
“It’s like, we can’t leave…” Alana said slowly.
“Of course, we can leave.”
They turned back again. Schmigadoon.
“Okay”, Zoe said. It was the first time she said something that day. “This is freaky…” She looked pretty tired. “It’s like it’s magic or…”
“It’s not magic”, Alana said.
“Then what is it?” Zoe asked back.
“I don’t know it’s like some sort of trick bridge or something…”
“A trick bridge?” Jared asked. “What would that even be?”
“Well this…”, Alana said weakly.
“What’s going on?” Evan asked stepping closer to Jared. “What is this…?”
Suddenly, out of thin air a literal Leprechaun appeared on the ground before them.
“Once ye have entered Schmigadoon”
He started singing.
“'Tis true, ye won't be leaving soon. Within its borders ye are bound until at last true love ye found. But till ye find it, ye must stay where's life's a musical every day.”
The Leprechaun disappeared again, leaving behind four confused teenagers.
“Was that a Leprechaun?” Jared asked.
“Yes…”, Alana said slowly.
“Wait, what did he say?” Zoe asked.
“I don’t know”, Alana said. “I was more focusing on how he was shattering my whole construct of what’s real and what’s not real in the world…”
“That was a freaking Leprechaun”, Jared said.
“Life’s a musical every day...”, Evan repeated. “I told you this isn’t some tourist attraction! This is a musical. We’re in an actual musical.”
“Oh, please, God, no…” Jared said.
“But he said we’re only here until we’ve found true love.”
“And that dumb Leprechaun thinks, we’ll find true love here? In a fucking musical??” Jared looked at his friends. “Well, I guess then we’re fucked.”