My Hopes For You
I woke up and everything was so bright. My immediate thought was that I had died but then I felt the oxygen tube in my nose and I could hear the beeping of the heart monitor.
Peter was holding my hand but he was asleep. He looked pale and I could see the tear tracks on his cheeks. I went to touch my bump but nothing was there. My breath hitched in my throat as the events of what felt like hours ago flooded my brain. My heart monitor started going crazy. Peter woke up and looked at me with sad eyes.
“Iris take a deep breath”. He said.
I shook my head and let the tears pour down my face. Dr. Cho and Bruce rushed in with the rest of the team in tow.
“Iris take a deep breath for us please or we will have to sedate you”. Dr. Cho is at my side trying to fix my heart monitors.
“Where…is he…please Helen tell me he's ok…please…please. Bruce, he's ok right…”. I was trying to hold out hope.
“Iris we did everything we could but he suffered too much trauma in the incident. I'm so sorry”. Helen broke the news.
I felt like I couldn't breathe. I was choking on sobs. I looked at Peter and he was crying as well. “Peter…I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. This… is… all my fault”.
Eventually, he got up and walked away. That only made me cry harder. I knew he hated me.
“He doesn't hate you Iris. He is just processing it all the same as you”. Wanda came over and grabbed the same hand Peter had just been holding.
“I have to get out of here…I have… to go”. I tried to rip out my oxygen tube and my IV but was stopped by Helen who still hadn't left my side.
“Iris you can't leave. You just had surgery”.
“Do you want to hold him?”. Bruce asked.
“What?”.
“You don't have to if you don't want to”. Wanda was rubbing her thumb over my hand.
“Um…yeah…I would love to”.
“He's a good-looking kid Iris”. Tony's voice was hoarse. He seemed to be more upset than I thought he would be.
“Did…um..did Peter hold him”. I asked.
“Yeah, he did mилaя”. Wanda brushed her fingers through my hair.
“I'm going to warn you he may not look how you think”. Bruce came back in with a small bundle in his arms.
I nodded as he placed him in my arms. He was so small.
“He's so still. He was never this still”, My voice broke. I had tried to compose myself but I don't even know how you're supposed to compose yourself with something like this. I was stroking his cheek with my thumb. He was cold. Everything about this day has been completely wrong, “He looks like Peter”.
“Guys I think we should give Iris a minute ok”. Helen ushered everyone out of the room leaving just me and him.
I didn't know what to say. I couldn't find the words to express what I wanted to say to him. This was me saying goodbye. It hurt. This was not how this was supposed to turn out.
I had imagined what his life was going to look like over and over again. Peter rocking him to sleep in Ben's chair every night, him being absolutely spoiled by the team, our holidays together, discovering but not being surprised when he is a total genius, his first date, his graduation, his wedding, I had thought about it all. And now none of it was going to happen.
“I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this. I hope you know how much I love you. I'm sure your dad has told you already how much he loves you. He was so excited for the life you were going to have together and it's all my fault that you and he are never going to have that”.
“It's not your fault, Ris”. Peter came around the corner and sat on the bed next to me.
“It is though. If I had not gone down there he wouldn't have done what he did”.
“He was going to hurt you either way”.
“You don't know that”.
“We watched the video. You would have died Iris”.
“But FRIDAY was down”.
“Video and audio surveillance was still on. He came here to hurt you. He created the perfect diversion where we wouldn't need you for the mission”.
“I tried to bargain with him. I told him he could do whatever he wanted with me as long as he didn't hurt him”. My voice wavered.
“I know”. Peter wrapped his arm around me and placed his hand underneath the baby. We sat like that for a while. Peter's body racked with sobs.
I don't know how long we sat like that. Just staring at him and wanting for anyone to tell us that this was a dream. Reality hit us like a truck. When we believed that a good thing was happening it all came crashing down.
“Why…does this always happen…to me. I just wanted one thing…He was supposed to be my one good thing. Everyone I love dies. He wasn't supposed to. He wasn't… supposed to”.
“I know”.
After a while, Peter spoke again, “I wrote him that letter from the book you got me”.
“Really?”.
“Yeah I started it a while ago and then I finished earlier today. I felt like maybe if I finished it I could get some kind of closure”. I nodded. “Can I read it to you?”.
“Of course”.
He went and grabbed the book that was sitting in the chair next to me. I hadn't even realized it was there.
“Dear Baby, I want you to know how happy I am that I get to be your dad. When I found out about you I was scared, to be honest, but then that quickly went away and was replaced with excitement. When I saw you in that first sonogram my heart knew this was the best decision I had ever made in my life. Hearing your heartbeat gave me so much joy and when I felt you kick for the first time it was amazing. I have loved every moment we have spent together and I can't wait for many more. I want to tell you three things I hope for you. I hope you feel safe and protected. I hope you live life without fear. And I hope you project kindness to the world.
I hope you didn't feel any pain. I hope it was quick. I hope you are somewhere good now. I don't know why this happened the way it did. I'm sorry. If you see your grandparents, or Ben or May say hi for me. I'm going to miss you so much.
I love you, Luke.
Love Daddy”.
“You named him Luke?”. I teared up for what felt like the billionth time that day.
“I always planned on naming him something special to you. I wanted to honor you as his biological mom. Plus Luke means light and he brought a lot of light to my life even if it was for a short time”.
I looked down at the bundle that was still in my arms, “I'm going to miss you, Luke Parker”. I stroked his cheek one last time before I gave him to Peter so he could hold him just in case this was the last time.
Sometime later Helen and Bruce came back and took Luke away. That time was the last time I held him. Peter spent some time alone with him the next day. I couldn't bring myself to see him again. I felt like I said goodbye. I wanted the moment we had to be the last one.
I was released from the medbay a few days later. Peter wanted to have a memorial for Luke at the house by the lake Tony and Pepper had bought. He wanted it to be private. The day called for overcast skies but when we woke up the sun was shining and full of beautiful light. It was the perfect encapsulation of months of bittersweet moments.