Attachment and Abandonment
Spring break for both Peter and I was quickly approaching which meant our senior year was almost over. It also marked about ten more weeks before we got to meet the little one.
Peter was getting slightly neurotic about everything. I mean the nursery was essentially finished, he had dozens of clothes to last him through all of the seasons, and enough bottles, pacifiers, and diapers to last him a lifetime. But all he could think about was all of the little things that he still needed. I tried to tell him that everything was going to be fine. He had plenty of time but that didn't help. I was currently in my room with a pair of very large headphones on my belly so he could listen to music. They say music makes the baby smarter.
“Hey Iris, can I come in?”. Wanda asked.
“Yeah”.
She came in and her eyebrows arched slightly, “What are you doing?”.
“He is listening to music so he becomes very smart even though with Peter as his father he will probably be a genius”.
“Interesting. Anyway um Iris I keep hearing this voice and I couldn't quite place whose it was but I think it's him”.
“You can hear the baby?”.
“I think so. May I?”. She gestured to my bump.
“Yeah yeah go for it”.
I removed the headphones and the red energy came out of her fingers. She looked focused for a while but then a small smile appeared on her face.
“Talk”.
“To him?”.
“Yes”.
“Um hey little one. It's me Iris. The one you are living in. How are you?”.
“He likes the sound of your voice”.
“He does?”.
“Yes and he loves that you take care of him”.
I smiled.
“He loves you, Iris”.
I teared up at that. I had this sense of guilt wash over me, “I love him too”. I was choked up. I do love him. I just know he's not really mine.
“He loves Peter too”.
“Good”.
“He can't wait to meet you both”.
“I can't wait to meet him too. I mean I promised him a very stern talk about waking me up to go to the bathroom 20 times”.
“He thinks you're funny too. He says Peter is not that funny but you are”.
“Daddy is funny. You just got to get to know him more”.
The energy stopped flowing for Wanda's fingers, “He fell asleep”.
“Thank you Wanda. That was really cool”.
“I'm just happy I found the voice”.
“We'll have to show Peter when he's awake again”.
“Will do. Well I will let you get back to listening to smart music”.
“See you, Wanda”.
She waved and left. I broke down after the door had closed. He loves me. This little creature loves me and that's scary. What if in the future he thinks I just abandoned him. I mean am I just abandoning him. No no I'm not I mean I will be close by if he ever needed me. I got attached. I really do love this kid and I would do anything for him. Just because I'm not going to be his mom doesn't mean I don't care for him. But what if he doesn't see it like that. What if he sees it as I'm some selfish bitch who couldn't own up and take responsibility for what Peter and I did.
Everyone is saying that I'm doing such a good thing and that my choice was so selfless but was it. Is this kid going to be screwed up for life because he is going to always feel like his mother didn't want him? It will be all my fault. Peter will be an amazing father and I don't have any doubt in my mind that he will feel loved but once a seed of abandonment is planted it could be hard to dig out. And since I plan to stick around once he finds out that I'm his mother will he be crushed. Would it ruin whatever relationship we had?
“Hey Fri, where's Peter?”.
“In the common room with the boss, Miss Romanoff, Mr. Wilson, and Captain Rodgers”.
I nodded and made my way down there.
“Peter”. My voice was shaking and the lump was still present in my throat.
“Iris what's wrong?”. He jumped off the couch and pulled me into a hug. I continued to sob into his shoulder, “it's ok, it's ok”. He kept whispering to me.
I couldn't even begin to get the words out. All I could do was cry.
“Hey Ris do you want to come sit down?”. I didn't even realize that Nat had come to my side.
I nodded and she and Peter led me to a spot on the couch. My tears started to slow down and my breathing had evened out slightly.
“Iris what happened?”. Peter asked, rubbing my back.
“I.. um... Wanda, she can hear the baby…and”, tears had started to well in my eyes again,” he said that he…loves me…and it started me on this whole spiral of am I doing the right thing and is he going to feel abandoned…his whole life because I'm not strong enough to be his mom”, I was crying at this point, “I don't know if I made the right choice and… I'm… so scared”. The sobs had begun again.
It was another time when I felt like I cried for hours. That hasn't happened since I found out I was pregnant. This time though there was a new kind of pain. A pain that I couldn't quite pinpoint. I didn't know if it was for me or the baby or for Peter. I just knew that I hated this pain.
I wasn't sure how long I had sat there. Long enough that when I had calmed down again I looked up to see that there was only Peter and I left.
“I'm sorry”. I whispered.
“Don't be sorry”. He whispered back.
“No, I feel like I should be”.
“Why?”.
“Because I put all of my doubt on you and that's not fair”.
“You have the right to feel how you feel”.
“I shouldn't have said I was regretting my decision because I don't, I'm just…I don't know”.
“You don't think I'm terrified of this. I have had so many days where I feel like I should have listened to you in the first place but then I look at a sonogram picture or I have Friday play a video of the ultrasound and that fear quickly melts away. And you saying you aren't strong enough isn't true. You are one of the strongest people I know and just because you aren't ready to be a mom doesn't make you any less than”.
“It's less about me and more about him. What if my choice now affects his whole life. I don't want him to grow up thinking nobody wants him because I wasn't ready”.
“Iris, you are still his family no matter what”.
I just sat there in silence. I didn't know how to respond.
“I think I'm going to go take a nap”.
“Yeah ok”. Peter nodded.
“Thank you for listening to me”.
“No problem”.