Grief felt like her only companion.
The weight on her shoulders. The weight in her heart. The lump in her throat.
The haunting emptiness of the bed.
Where once had been laughter and joy and her life had been full of love. Aaren now faced aloneness because even though the world had moved on, her world had stopped, everything good in it had died.
She made her usual morning coffee in Natasha’s mug, gripping it as her beloved had once done herself. Natasha had rarely been one to slow down enough for a coffee but Aaren had convinced her that it is worth slowing down even for a few moments when the sun rose, to greet the day, to welcome the new beginning.
“I don’t have time for this, Aaren.” Nat insisted, too awake for having been up for such a short time.
“Then find time. We must honour the rising sun and the new beginning.” Aaren was just as stubborn.
When Thanos invaded the planet it seemed like it was the beginning of the end. For better or for worse, both Aaren and Natasha had managed to avoid the snap, but Aaren still had to deal with the consequences of the brutal actions and the havoc that ensued.
“We need to find Yelena, make sure that she is alright.” Natasha insisted, hellbent on making sure that the sister that she had reunited with not that long ago was safe and sound and convinced that with the right arguments, Yelena would be swayed to help them against Thanos.
Aaren’s efforts had been in vain and watching Nat become more and more heartbroken when her suspicions were confirmed that Yelena indeed had been snapped away… it had been devastating to watch.
Aaren withstood that. She weathered it, unflinching from her side.
“We are together, for better and for worse.” Aaren gripped Natasha’s hand.
Natasha, whose eyes were full of pain, looked at her beloved. The last person who hadn’t abandoned her. Her person.
And so they got married. A small ceremony, one attended only by the Avengers, with Tony officiating where the two promised to love and honour each other, for better or for worse. One last promise of devotion and support, the final time they’d give their hearts away.
Among all the chaos that Thanos had brought, among all that pain, there they stood, promising to love and cherish each other through it all.
Through it all amounted to five years. Five years of sleepless nights, of fights for refusing to take care of oneself.
Aaren vividly remembered their last morning together.
They had woken up before everyone else, needing time to just be on their own, unsure of what would ensue, unsure of what the day would bring forth.
“Do you have to be there?” Aaren had been terrified of losing Natasha but that doom loomed closer with the mad plan that the Avengers had hatched. Every time, every moment felt like it would be their last.
Had Aaren known what would be their last moment, she would have acted differently, she would have said so many things.
No. Those thoughts are pointless. She scolded herself.
“Yes, we have split into teams of two and we will go after the Infinity Stones. Clint needs me and I will be back before you know it, and when all of this is over, when Yelena is back and the world is put back to order, I will take my beautiful wife on a honeymoon and then we will buy a farm and live the quiet life you always dreamed of.” Natasha’s sweet promises were like a balm to Aaren’s soul.
“I don’t care about the farm or the quiet life.” Aaren insisted. “I care about you being back in my arms, safe and sound. We will figure the rest from there.” Aaren laid a soft kiss on her beloved’s forehead as the sun was starting to rise.
“If things go haywire, I have put away money and documents and some letters in the apartment for you. You will be taken care of regardless of whether or not I am here.” Nat held on to that last piece of her heart, almost tasting that it was the last time; that this would be their final goodbye.
“Nat…” Aaren tried.
“No. If I come back…”
“When you come back.” Aaren interrupted her.
“If I come back, we will spend the money together and embrace the quiet life. If not…”
“I love you, Natasha.” Aaren spoke softly. “Please come back to me.”
Tears were rolling down her face when the silence was broken by the ringing telephone. The one that never rang yet she kept charged in case someone needed her.
Clint.
Aaren’s heart hurt. Hesitantly, she picked up.
“Barton?”
“Ouch, where is the hello and I missed you?” His playful tone brought something that might have resembled a smile.
“What can I do for you?” The phone was used only for emergencies and she both hoped and dreaded that it might very well be one.
“Well, as much as I’d love to be calling you on a good occasion, I need help.” Clint cut to the chase.
“Yelena is here.”
Her knees started giving in and she could hear her heartbeat in her ears.
Yelena.
“Aaren?” She heard distantly from the phone. “Aaren, are you okay?”
“Are you lying?” Was all the woman managed.
“Why would I lie about this?”
“When did you find her? Why are you only now calling me?”
“She found me and she is out for my head. I figured that right now the only person in the world that could stop her is you.”
Yelena. Her best friend was back. She was getting a small piece of Natasha back with Yelena.
“Send me coordinates, I’ll meet you as soon as possible.” Aaren managed and hung up the phone, getting her bag from under the bed.
She could do it.
She threw open the closet doors and pulled out her Avengers uniform, putting it away carefully in the bag.
Yelena was determined to end Barton. Determined to put him out of his misery for not taking care of her sister, for letting Aaren slip through the cracks. Aaren, whom she couldn't find a trace of anywhere. Aaren, who she thought might be dead too.
She watched Barton's apartment from across the street and contemplated the ways to kill him. Watched and thought of the irony of putting an arrow through his eye. Hawkeye killed by a stray arrow.
She toyed with one of her knives and watched Barton walk around his apartment, not a care in the world, as she contemplated his death. It wasn't until he walked over to the door that she fully concentrated.
A medium height figure with strawberry blonde hair walked in.
Yelena's heart skipped a beat, then another.
No way.
"You look good, thank you for coming on such short notice." Barton opened the door for Aaren. He was glad to see her despite the shitty circumstances, but a part of him felt like if Nat was watching from above, she would approve of this.
"You were always such a lousy liar." Aaren teased. "Where is she?"
"On the rooftop across the street, I have not acknowledged her presence."
"Good, I will deal with her."
Aaren inhaled shakily and took the few steps towards the window, her heart racing out of her chest. There she was, blonde hair tied in a braid, beige uniform intact, looking ready to kill. Her best friend. Her sister-in-law.
Aaren pointed at the rooftop and after a moment's hesitation, Yelena nodded.
Aaren then started walking towards the door.
"Thank you." She heard Clint say behind her.
By the time she made it to the building's roof, Yelena was already pacing.
"Hello." Aaren managed, snapping her out of it.
Yelena looked…grief stricken but also like nothing had happened. Aaren's mind became full of the noise of Nat's tears once she found out that Yelena too had been snapped. She had seen that grief mirrored on her better half's face.
"How could you do this?" Yelena snapped finally. "You were supposed to be her forever! You were supposed to protect her like she protected you! And you let her go off with him and die! You were supposed to protect her!"
It felt like all her wounds had been sliced open again. Every word, every hateful comment struck home. Every way that she had blamed herself crashed spiralling on her.
"I did." Aaren said quietly. "I did protect her. I protected her for five years, and the time before that. If I could, I'd take her place right now just so she could be back here. But it would invalidate her sacrifice. She did it to bring all those people back, to bring you back. She did it to protect all of us, her loved ones, one last time."
"You gave up." Yelena accused. "I could not find you, you gave up on everything."
"I breathe because I know she wants me to live, even if now my life is but an empty shell of what it used to be. I live because I know that if she saw me again even a second earlier than intended, she would be very disappointed."
"You can't stop me from killing him. He killed her!" Yelena raged.
"Killing him would be the last thing she wants. Killing him would dishonour her. Is that what you want, Lena?" Aaren used the name she used in the past for her best friend. When Yelena did not react, Aaren took a few steps towards her, shortening the distance between them.
"She wrote you a letter because she knew that you would be back." Aaren opened her jacket and carefully took out the letter. "She wanted you to have it in case something happened. I selfishly kept it until now and I am sorry for that."
Yelena looked at the paper and snatched it out of her friend's hands.
Yelena,
I hope this never finds you because I'd much rather say all these words in person. However, it would be my greatest regret if they go unsaid.
I am sorry for not protecting you better. Not that you ever needed my protection but you know.
I am so proud of you and I hope the fire you carried inside you since childhood always stays lit and that it warms, not burns people.
Please take care of Aaren for me. She loves you very much and through all this, she kept me sane and on track, and now when there is hope for us to get you back, I realize that I failed her. Please, take care of each other for me.
This is my last request from you.
Know this, Yelena. I have always loved you very deeply. You are my sister and you always will be.
I am so proud of you.
She could not keep reading as everything became blurry from her tears. Aaren was sat on the floor, waiting, untypically quiet.
"Aaren.." Yelena let out a low noise.
"She loved you and she wanted you to have the fullest life." Aaren stood up, walked over to the spy and rested her hand on her shoulder. "Do it for her and don't let revenge eat you alive."
“I want to make him pay.” Yelena made the noise of a wounded animal. Aaren felt her heart hurt.
“He is atoning for his sins, trust me.” Aaren reassured her, knowing damn well just how hard Clint was on himself for letting Nat take the sacrifice. She could not erase his face from her memory when he came back without Natasha.
Aaren pulled out her phone and pressed play on a video taken on their wedding day. Nat, wearing a beautiful red gown, was smiling at the camera. The camera person had captured the day perfectly and had made sure that it was seen that they had left empty chairs from the people missing from the reception.
Natasha stood up from her chair at the table and clinked on the glass, looking down on the empty seat beside her.
“This day is almost perfect.” Nat started. “Almost, because many of our beloved ones are not here. Almost, because if this was a perfect world, then the maid of honour would be here and you would not be able to take the word from her. Almost perfect, because I miss my little sister too much.” Her voice cracked towards the end words. “But this toast is for you, Yelena. I know that one day we will be reunited again.”
Aaren turned off the phone, unable to look at more of that footage.
“Please, please stop this. Please come with me and let’s go visit her. Please come home, Yelena.” Aaren begged. “Please, I can’t do this anymore.”
Yelena put away the letter in her pocket and put away the knife before embracing her sister-in-law.
“I do this for you, and for her.” Yelena spoke finally, pulling away.
One last time you swayed her to your will, Nat. Aaren thought as she led Yelena away.