Natasha has cycles of what her purpose is. She rotates through them quicker than most people do.
A killer. A ballerina. A fighter. A child.
Her most recent purpose was to be a sister. A protector to a girl younger than her, whose smile was genuine because she never needed to learn how to fake it. This girl cried genuine tears because she never learned to hold them back. She asked for want without ever receiving a harsh rejection. Her skin was smooth and untouched from the violence it would later experience in life.
Natasha was to keep it that way. She was to protect her little sister from whatever would risk those things happening. And she did a very good job for three long years.
But it’s not enough time. Three years isn’t long enough.
Her little sister is six. She still gives wide grins and genuine tears. She still asks for her wants instead of begging for her needs. The worst injury she had ever received was skinning her knees after wiping out on her tricycle.
When Natasha sees Melina and Alexei’s faces that summer night, she knows that it is time to go. But she’s not ready, she doesn’t want to cycle through another purpose. She wants to keep being a big sister.
“I don’t want to go.” She tells Melina, the woman posing as her mother, the only one Natasha has ever known. Alexei is in the next room, preparing for them to leave quickly.
“I know. Me neither,” Melina says, her tone heavy and her face laced with regret. “I’m sorry.”
Natasha peers up at her, knowing that the woman in front of her would be cycled through her purpose too.
“Then please…” Natasha doesn’t beg. She can’t ask for things she wants as her little sister does, she had been long ago taught that it was forbidden. But Natasha would beg for this. For the one thing she wanted more than anything.
“I can’t do anything,” Melina says, her face full of regret as she reaches out to cup Natasha’s face in hers. “I’m sorry.”
Natasha swallows hard, tears blurring her vision that she refuses to let fall. She doesn’t get to cry anymore, not unless it is her purpose. “You can.” She insists quietly and Melina glances to the doorway where Alexei could appear at any moment.
“You’ll get caught,” Melina warnings but the grip she has on Natasha’s face tightens briefly. “They will kill you.”
“I will kill them first,” Natasha replies and Melina pulls her head in to press a kiss to her forehead. Natasha can’t help but squeeze her eyes shut because this is goodbye. After this moment they will no longer be mother and daughter, they will have cycled on to their next purpose.
“You have five minutes,” Melina whispers into her hair and Natasha nods her head.
“Thank you, mom,” Natasha whispers and the grip Melina has on her tightens briefly before Melina lets her go.
Natasha immediately heads upstairs, grabbing the backpack she hadn’t touched since school was let out for the summer. She unzips it, turning it upside down and dumping everything onto the floor of her room. She grabs a wad of clothes from her dirty laundry basket and shoves them into her bag. The laundry was dirty but it meant that it fit her well so she didn’t have to worry about that.
She then grabs a knife that Melina let her keep between the boxspring and the mattress of her bed along with the money she had saved up each time they were given two dollars to get an ice cream from the ice cream truck. She heads into Yelena’s bedroom and picks through her laundry quickly as well, grabbing Yelena’s favorite stuffed animal and shoving it into the bag after a moment's hesitation.
She could hear Alexei out shoving things into the car so she slips into the kitchen. Melina was there with a plastic bag that she pushes into Natasha’s hands. Natasha looks down at it and swallows hard. There was the fake IDs she could use for the next few days to get them as far away as she could. There was money, granola bars, and a small first aid kit. Natasha shoves them into her already full bag and Melina helps her tug it closed.
On Natasha’s way out of the house, she passes by the living room where the picture albums are. She can’t help but snag a photo, shoving it into her pocket quickly as she calls out for Yelena under the pretense of helping her get her shoes on.
Yelena darts inside, excited about the trip that Alexei had hyped her up for. Natasha helps Yelena get her shoes on and then grabs her hand and tugs her out the back door.
“Where are we going? Daddy said--” Yelena starts and Natasha pressed a finger to Yelena’s lips.
“We are gonna play a game,” Natasha whispers to her, and Yelena’s face brightens at the thought of playing a game. “You need to be very quiet and listen to everything that I say, okay?” Yelena nods again and Natasha pulls away, grabbing her bike that was leaning against the side of the house, and rolling it toward the woods behind their house. “Follow me.”
Yelena follows Natasha into the woods, hopping over sticks and skipping over puddles. Natasha’s stomach twists the further they get from the house. The bag on her back feels very heavy but Natasha continues on.
They walk until they reach the other side of the woods which dumps them out in another neighborhood. She stops and takes her backpack off. “Here. I need you to wear this so that we can go on a ride,” Natasha tells Yelena. She helps Yelena slide the backpack on and gives her the best reassuring smile she can.
“We’re gonna be late to go on an adventure,” Yelena glances uncertainly back at the woods where their house was.
“That’s okay,” Natasha says as she pats the banana seat of her bicycle. “Climb up.” She had picked out this bicycle because of the long seat she could use to give her little sister rides as well.
She has to help Yelena climb up with the heavy bag. Natasha balances the bike as she quickly swings her leg over. “Remember to hold on tight.” She tells Yelena, feeling tiny arms wrap around her waist tightly as Yelena pressed her face against Natasha’s back.
Natasha pushes off, adjusting to the extra weight quickly. She had gotten to know the town very well and made sure to go on empty streets and dirt roads. She doesn’t stop as the sun sets. Yelena’s fingers are playing with the hem of her shirt to try and keep herself entertained.
Natasha doesn’t stop until they’ve left town and Yelena is complaining about how she’s hungry and wants to go back home. Natasha stops on a long stretch of dirt road and they climb off.
Natasha sits with Yelena next to her bike and opens up the backpack. Yelena is delighted to see her favorite stuffed toy in the bag but is confused at seeing the clothes. She keeps telling Natasha that they need to go back.
Natasha opens up the plastic bag that Melina had given her. She pulls out one of the chocolate chip granola bars and opens the packaging before passing it over to Yelena. The younger girl’s attention quickly switches to the food as Natasha takes stock.
She has $150 from Melina, $22 from her own money, two IDs for her and Yelena, 13 granola bars, one travel-sized first aid kit and--
Natasha picks up a piece of paper from the bottom of the plastic bag.
Pain only makes you stronger. I’m sorry.
-Love, Mom
Natasha swallows hard at the note, looking back up at her little sister who was now licking slightly melted chocolate from her fingers. Natasha takes the time to refold the wadded-up clothes to make more room, redistributing the items they have to fit better and slipping the knife into her pocket.
When they’re back on the road, Yelena starts to ask questions again. She wants to go home, she’s tired, she says. “I want mommy.”
Natasha pedals until she cannot anymore. Her calves burn and there is sweat pouring off of her face. The stars are high up in the sky and night has fallen. She finally has to stop again and Yelena is confused and getting upset that Natasha wasn’t listening to her.
“Come here,” Natasha opens her arms up after sitting on the ground and Yelena plops into her lap, sniffling slightly as Natasha pulls her close. “Do you want to know a secret?”
Yelena’s glassy eyes peer up at her and Natasha swallows hard and she holds her little sister close.
Natasha tells her that they cannot go home. That daddy and mommy were going away for a little while and that Yelena needed to stay with Natasha. Natasha squeezes her little sister tight when she cries in confusion and frustration.
Natasha dips her head down and for the first time in three years, she cries. Tears drip onto Yelena’s knee and the sight of her big sister crying has her stopping in her tracks.
“What’s wrong?” Yelena reaches up to try and wipe away the tears rolling down Natasha’s cheeks just like the older girl would do for her. She’s scared because Natasha never cries.
“I’m sorry,” Natasha says, gripping Yelena’s small hand and pulling it closer against her face. “I love you.”
Yelena wraps her arms around Natasha’s neck to hug her tightly and Natasha holds her closer.
Natasha tells her about the Red Room. She tells her about the mission and how they weren’t related by blood. Natasha tells her how she was raised and why they were running.
Yelena is too little. She doesn’t understand. But she listens and promises to follow Natasha’s rules. Natasha holds Yelena when she falls asleep in her lap, sitting under the stars in the sky.
This is what she had to do.
This is her purpose.