it had only been a week and a half after the kiss at the station and Maya and Carina had just finished their date with less amniotic fluid and placenta and Carina had already insisted that they go on another date. Maya was liking the fast progress even though her wife clearly stated she had wanted to take things slow. Although it was magical getting to go through the cute motions of a new relationship, Maya wished it didn't have to be that way. She blamed herself entirely on how everything had turned out and honestly she wasn't wrong.
Carina walked side by side with Maya taking the elevator to their shared apartment. Carina hadn't stepped foot inside since she went back and told Maya that she was only doing therapy to get her job back. The words still echoed in her head. Now she knew that Maya in fact wasn't doing it for her job at the station, but she was doing it for her. That surprised Carina as she was used to being pushed to the side by the people she loved when they were hurting. Going back to their apartment didn't just remind her of the bad things. She also remembered the amazing times they'd had together, but the bad ones seemed to take a toll on her.
"Maya." Carina broke the thoughtful silence as they waited for the elevator doors to open again.
"Yes?" The two had just shared a wonderful evening at Joe's Bar as for recreating their meeting, while they hadn't kissed they had restored some faith in each other as the night was full of loving glances and smiles. "This has been on my mind and I think its best I just tell you it wont leave my head." Carina spoke with intention staring at Maya who now seemed to look very worried.
"okay...what is it?" Maya asked playing with the ring on her wedding finger.
"I wanted to say that I'm sorry for what I said that night I came home to pick up some things." Maya looked shocked and nervously smiled back at Carina.
"I do believe you are working on yourself for me and not your job, so I'm sorry I hope I didn't hurt you." Carina gave her a small smile and then looked away.
The doors to the elevator opened as the movement came to a hold. Maya gestured for Carina to go first in an olden fashioned way.
"Ladies first." She smirked as Carina laughed walking in front of her.
"You know this redoing our relationship thing? Its kind of really funny." Carina said turning back to wait for Maya.
Maya smiled grabbing the keys from her jacket pocket, unlocking the door was somehow a struggle for Maya which made Carina chuckle behind her.
"I'm not making a very good impression am I?" Maya said nervously, half joking. Carina closed the door behind them and glanced around the apartment.
"No! No! You're doing fantastico bambina!" The word slipped out before Carina could stop herself and the room fell silent as they both looked at each other, eyes wide.
Carina hadn't called maya any pet names since the hospital and it was still a sore spot for both of them but it just came naturally to Carina to call the woman she loves hers and to let her know she still loves her even if she doesn't believe it. Maya couldn't stop the smile that made its way onto her face just hearing Carina call her that again it felt like home but she decided it would be best to not make anything of it right now and break the silence she replied with a simple, "Thanks."
Carina sighed at the apartment feeling so empty without any of her things being all around the place, but she didn't want anything more than to be able to make her special coffee with her own expresso machine and feel comfortable going out to get food in the middle of the night. She couldn't do that whilst she was in that hotel. "I miss home." She sighed looking anywhere but at Maya who was again surprised by this statement but chose to remain calm. "Really?" Maya couldn't think of anything else to say and cursed herself for not being more creative. Carina looked at Maya and she got the hint that she didn't want to have this conversation at this time which Maya could understand considering all the pain she put her through Maya was happy that Carina even wanted to see her at all. She sure wouldn't. Maya was lost in thought once again but brought out of it when Carina stepped forward now only a few inches away from Maya. "hi." Maya said foolishly. "Ciao." Carina had a smirk on her face and it was recognisable to Maya because although they were pretending not to be married they were and she pretty much knew everything about the italian standing before her.
"I know I said I wanted you to win me back slowly..but I don't think I can do this anymore at least not right now." Carina shyly spoke but her eyes spoke for her. Maya wouldn't have even had to hear her to know what she wanted.
She leaned in and kissed her. This kiss much like the last, full of love and intention. But unlike at the station, there was no one but them around. Carina took Maya's hand and lead her onto the couch, sat side by side sharing sweet but needy kisses between breaths. "God I've missed you." Maya whispered into her ear making Carina chuckle. "I missed you too."
The kisses getting more heated as Carina pulled Maya on top of her so she was now straddling her thighs, with Carina remaining upright the position was enough to make Carina realise this was too much too fast.
Maya notices her slightly tensing up and she removes herself from her. "Sorry." Carina sighed obviously feeling bad that she ruined the moment between them.
"No its okay, you said you wanted me to win you back slowly. It is okay." Maya comforted her taking her hand in her own. Carina now staring at Maya kissed her again this time full of desire and want.
"What if I hurt you again." Maya barely whispered loud enough for Carina to be able to make out what she said, but she did. Still she asked the question.
"What?" She pulled away from Maya's face still holding her hand.
"I don't want to hurt you again." Maya was now avoiding eye contact and Carina knew why.
"Hey...you are human you cannot promise me that and thats okay." Carina tried to comfort her but knew it would be useless. She waited for Maya because she knew she had something that she needed to say to her.
"I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for the way I treated you in those 6 months it wasn't right and I know that now." Maya stared at Carina this time needing a bit of reassurance.
"I know you are. Maya we are working through it I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't want to be here with you." Carina squeezed her hand.
"I should've been there for you, I shouldn't have pushed you away like everyone else in my life. I don't know why I do you are the sweetest person I have ever known and you don't deserve any of this and I am so sorry for have putting you through it." Maya's voice was starting to tremble.
"Bambina i-" Maya interrupted.
"I am so sorry for what I said about your brother I can't believe I said what I did it was selfish and unthoughtful I wish I could take it all back you didn't deserve that you never deserved that." Carina sighed remembering that day and how she knew Maya somehow didn't know that she was as important to her as she was to her. She needed to make Maya see she was important as right now she was blaming everything on herself and it wasn't going to work out in the long run. But first, she let her continue.
"The night I was discharged from the hospital was one of the worst times in my life." Carina's heart ached knowing how her wife would've felt. "I couldn't eat. I couldn't drink. Or sleep. I decided to go take a shower and...I ended up......" Maya paused sighing before carrying on now looking Carina in the eye. "I hurt myself." She spoke quietly as if she was ashamed of herself for have being in so much pain the only thing she could do was hurt herself.
Carina's heart shattered. The crying started almost immediately. She couldn't speak. Maya knew so she pulled her into her. Carina's head resting in Maya's neck, her hands were shaking what Maya had said she never expected. She knew Maya wasn't okay she knew she was hurting herself with working out and not eating and working too much but never this. She didn't know why she never expected this but it wasn't a thought she thought would ever have to be there.
"Maya." Was all Carina could say her eyes full of tears as they fell onto Maya's neck.
"I'd never done it before. I'd thought about it but I think that was the last thing to turn me all the way. I'd lost you. The only person I'd ever actually loved apart from Mason. And it was all my fault so I just did it, it didn't hurt at first I guess I was too caught up in crying to care whether it either stung or felt like I was loosing my arm but it just tingled." Maya explained knowing this would probably not help Carina but she needed to say it.
"I'm sorry." She said after a while of just hearing Carina's muffled cries. Carina shot up unexpectedly, she stared at Maya her face red from crying.
"Don't you ever apologise for that. Maya, bambina I am so sorry you felt so much pain you did that to yourself. I love you I am here now. Promise me you will never do it again."
"I can't promise that." She let out her voice breaking. Carina had never been more heartbroken in her life, loosing Maya didn't feel as painful as hearing these words.
"I think about dying, I have since I was twelve, but ever since I met you the thoughts have been calmer and not as frequent. So when I lost the only person who made me feel like me I lost control and I don't know if I will again."
"Maya I love you so much. It hurts me knowing that when I left you hurt your body that really hurts." Carina almost shouted at her.
"I know I am sorry, but I needed to tell you."
There was an almost comfortable silence in the room. Saying it aloud had hurt Maya too but she wasn't ready for Carina to know that so instead she carried on with her point in the making.
"Do you know I never actually wanted you to leave? I know I told you we were over but I didn't mean it. It was like these words were coming out of my mouth but I wasn't controlling what I said. I'm not trying to excuse myself, I'm not I just want you to know that I never wanted you to leave." Maya took a breath trying to ignore eye contact.
"I know Maya, I know." Carina could see the pain on her face which hurt her, this conversation wasn't really first second date material but Maya couldn't hold it in any longer and Carina could tell she needed to get it out
"You deserve so much better than me." A tear escaped the corner of Maya's eye, mascara fading across her face. This alarmed Carina not the tear but what she had said.
"Do not say that Maya. Don't." Carina said firmly wiping the tear from her face with her other hand.
"But you do, you of all people especially. You deserve someone who doesn't practically ignore you for six months. You deserve someone who can love you well. You deserve someone who is mentally stable enough to be a mother. You deserve to start a family, you can't wait for me forever and I don't think fixing me is going to be a two week process. I don't deserve you because I am broken."
Each word hurt more than the last, Carina felt her eyes flood with tears, though she could try her best to fight them back she knew Maya had already seen but she couldn't fight her heart from literally breaking at the words 'I don't deserve you.' What Carina was fearing happened. Her own wife, the woman she loved so much doesn't love herself. She doesn't think she deserves her? She thinks that after what she has done there is no point even trying to win her wife back? Is that all their marriage means to them? The thoughts were throwing Carina in all sorts of directions but she managed to contain them.
No. It doesn't mean their marriage doesn't mean anything to Maya, it means that Maya thinks she is so unworthy of love and that she blames herself for everything. Which to Carina makes her even more loveable. She pulled herself together enough to speak.
"Amore mio...you do deserve me and don't hold me to some high standard I am not perfect myself. You need to learn to love yourself for yourself and I can help you try to love yourself but you need for the most part to do it on your own. You weren't in a good place Maya you weren't stable you cannot blame yourself entirely it wasn't you because I know you.' ,Carina smiled at the thought.' I know you are the woman who puts everyone before herself, I know you are the woman who saves lives every single day, I know you are the woman who got demoted because you chose to save a kids life instead of letting him die you put him first and it cost you your job, and I know you love me even when it seems like you hate me I know you love me so much bella. What you said to me is the past and I forgive you."
"But I can't forgive myself." Maya whispered now fully crying. Carina held her face her lip trembling at the sight of Maya.
"You can't or you won't? Hmm? Maya you have to forgive yourself there is no good in letting this hurt you anymore than it already has. I love you Maya Bishop. I am choosing you once again because we said forever. You said forever. You can't choose me forever if you have chosen to give up on yourself." Carina and Maya were now holding direct eye contact with each other, both pairs of eyes full of tears.
"I love you so much Carina. I am going to try and love myself I promise for you." Maya cried going in to hug Carina but she stopped her.
"No you are going to love yourself, for yourself not for me not for your job but for you bambina." Carina pulled her into the hug stroking her blonde hair to release some comfort.
"Okay loving myself for myself, gotcha." Maya half chuckled through the tears holding Carina tightly.
The date had gone as neither of them could have imagined. Maya admitting a lot she wouldn't have to Carina a few months ago had made Carina realise she really was trying and she really did love her as much as she loved her. They sat there on the couch with their arms wrapped around each other. Carina still stroking Maya's hair.
"ti amo e ti scelgo per sempre belissima"