“Time of death…” she cleared her throat, “12:42.”
She was gone. Meredith had just killed a woman, but the woman had wanted to die. She was dead because of her. It was her fault. It was all her fault. At least her friends and family had said goodbye. Her mother would never get that. Meredith’s eyes glossed over. Her mother was alone right now. Her mother was dying a slow and painful death. She turned, and forced herself out of the room.
The second she stepped out of the patient’s room, she felt like the air had been knocked out of her lungs. Her heart hammered in her chest. The blood thundered in her ears. She couldn’t hear, she couldn’t see, all she knew was that she had to get away. Her vision was fuzzy. What kind of daughter was she? She was going to let her mother die all alone. She couldn’t do this. Her mother was going to die. She’d die all alone in that nursing home. She didn’t know where she was heading. She had to get away from here.
Her legs were leading her somewhere, she pulled herself into the nearest supply closet. The door slammed after her, but she didn’t register it. The world spun out of control, she was going to fall. Her legs buckled from beneath her. She tried to slow down her breathing. There wasn’t enough air. She needed it to stop. It has to stop. She needed to get air. Tears rolled down her cheeks.
She heard the door open again. Flaming red hair, a white lab coat, and those concerned blue-green eyes of her’s. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd sat down next to her.
“It’s okay, I’m here.”
“I don’t-” She couldn’t breathe. She was going to die. There wasn’t enough air in the room.
“I can’t- I..I” She forced herself to inhale. “I don't want-” Sobs raked through her body.
“She can’t- .. I can’t.. I don’t-” Meredith forced the words out of her mouth, “I don’t want- I don’t want my mother to die alone.” She felt the air rush out of her lungs. She heard a strange choking noise. She realized that it was her.
A warm hand wrapped around her shoulders.
“Slow down, I’m here,” she soothed, “It’s gonna be alright. I’m right here.” It was the voice she used with patients. Meredith felt her throat start to dry up. She couldn’t breathe. Addison’s hand rubbed circles onto her shoulder. “Shh.. I’ve got you. That’s it, slow down. Deep breaths Meredith… I’m here.”
The edges of her vision were distorted. She didn’t understand what was happening. The room was spinning. Meredith couldn’t breathe. She was going to die. She was going to suffocate in this supply closet. Oh God. Her mother was going to die. It’s all her fault. Her mother was going to die. She was going to die. Her throat was closing up.
“It’s going to be alright. Meredith- can you hear me?” Meredith felt her head move in a jerky nod. “Good. I want you to breathe in for me. Can you do that Meredith?” Her voice was calm and soothing. Meredith was trying. But the air wasn’t enough. Her mother was going to die alone. Her heart pounded. There wasn’t enough air.
“I’ve got you Meredith. You’re safe,” Addison soothed, “slow down. Breathe in… and out..” Meredith grabs Addison’s hand that isn’t on her shoulder. Meredith’s breathing was still frantic. Her eyesight was blurred.
Addison squeezed her hand. The crushing wave of panic seems to recede, even if marginally.
Meredith felt her breathing start to slow. She leaned her head on Addison’s shoulder.
Meredith looked up at her, “Thank you, Addison.” The comforting circles on her shoulder did not yet cease. “I’m okay.”
Addison’s lips quirked up in a hint of a smile. “You’re okay.” They both knew it was a lie. They sat in comforting silence, the sound of their own breathing was the only sound that could be heard. Addison moved her thumb slowly over her knuckles.
“Why?” Meredith’s question shattered their carefully crafted silence..
“Why, what?”
“Why’d you help me Addison?” she paused, “I’m the slutty mistress who ruined your marriage.” Meredith gestured to herself with a dramatic flourish.
“Meredith, you didn’t ruin our marriage. We were.. flawed before everything happened.”
“Everything..? With Mark?” She asked.
“Yes,” she sighed, “with Mark. Derek was distant, he hadn’t been home for months. And when he was home, we argued almost constantly. And I was incredibly lonely. But that's.. that’s not an excuse.”
“Addison-”
Anyway,” she took a breath, “ I helped you because I’ve been there. No one hides in a supply closet if they’re okay.” Meredith smiled. She leaned in closer to the attending. Her body was warm, and she felt safe.
Addison’s fingers danced through her hair. Meredith squeezed her hand. Meredith inclined her face ever-so slightly towards Addison. Her breath hitched in her throat. Addison’s cerulean eyes bore into hers. There was a question being asked silently. Meredith shook her head yes with a subtle nod. Was this really happening?
Their lips met quickly. Red hair enveloped her face. The kiss was chaste and delicate. Before she knew it, it was over. Addison pulled away first. Her eyes were glazed over.
“I’m.. I’m so sorry Mered-,” she cut herself off, “Doctor Grey.” Addison, ever the epitome of professionalism, stood up and brushed out the non-existent wrinkles of her pencil skirt.
“Wait! Addison, don’t leave. Please.”
Guilty eyes stared back at her. “I’m sorry Doctor Grey.” The worst part was that she sounded sorry. And with that, she was gone. There was no slammed door. Just a quiet click of the door being put back into place. That was the difference between Derek and Addison. He would have slammed the door. Meredith didn’t know which one hurt more.
She buried her head in her hands. Her fingers laced through her hair. Similar to Addison, except Meredith’s hand was pulling and twisting and grabbing. Meredith felt the tears roll down her face. She always ended up ruining everything.