But Smile No More

The pair took their meal quietly, Thor had little to say and Loki didn’t think forcing conversation would win him any favor with his brother.  He thought over the day thus far and Thor’s strange ability to have quickly discovered the body.  Thor seemed honest in his affront and his responses, they’d found the real culprit, and so Loki knew Thor hadn’t killed the man.  But how had he known?  Loki didn’t want to bring the topic up again though, even if Thor were inclined to answer questions.  And then there was the matter of child birth, that was a source of friction for them when they’d been partners themselves.

--xx--

“Brother-”

Loki held up a hand to silence whatever Thor had been about to say.  “It requires no discussion.”

“You are upset.”

“I am not upset.”

“Loki.”

“Thor.”  Loki mimicked back in a faintly mocking baritone.

The guests at the dinner banquet had made quite a point of conversation out of when Odin’s house might have it’s newest members.  When Thor would be wed and bring new life into the family.  Given that the guests were distant relatives themselves, it wasn’t entirely inappropriate for them to bring up.  Thor had done his awkward best to deflect while Loki had plastered a smile on his face as if seeing his brother be ribbed about a future child-bearing marriage didn’t cut his insides.

Thor caught Loki’s arm and spun him around as he pulled Loki into a hug, only to exhale irritably as Loki teleported several feet away.  “Their words mean nothing, Loki.”

“Their words mean everything!”  Loki snapped back as they reached his room, and he decided it wasn’t worth the fight to keep Thor out and so let him in before he closed the door.  “That is your future.  My future too, incidentally.  The heir and the spare must be fruitfully wedded.”

“I will be king, it will be my decision-”

”-Will it, Thor?  You will stand as king before Asgard and the Nine Realms and announce you mean to marry your brother?”  Thor’s mouth opened and closed and Loki smirked mirthlessly.  “And there it is, the rub.  We knew this was a fantasy from the start.”

Thor’s jaw clenched as he considered his brother, knowing whether he wanted to admit it or not that Loki was right.  And yet he couldn’t stand for it to be.  Thor stepped closer and chanced to put his hands on Loki’s upper arms, and Loki didn’t move away as Thor gave them a squeeze before he rubbed lightly with his thumbs.  He slid one hand up towards Loki’s head as he cupped under Loki’s ear and the back of his head.  Thor pulled Loki a little closer as his other hand dropped to Loki’s waist.  “I love you, brother-”

Loki burst out a laugh.  “Thor, do you hear yourself?  You touch me like a lover and speak of love while still naming me ‘brother’.”

Thor looked annoyed at that as he dropped his hands.  “We are always brothers-”

”-Exactly!  That is the point, you great oaf-”

“-Stop interrupting me.”  Thor snarled as his frustration bubbled over and Loki recoiled faintly, and Thor knew his reaction had been excessive.  He sighed as he rubbed a hand over his face.   Loki had fallen silent and Thor knew he had to tread carefully.  “You entered this as freely as I did, you knew then all you know now.  You cannot pretend it otherwise.  And how could I marry someone else when it is you I love?  There is no one else I want by my side.”

“’I love’, ‘I want’.  You are to be king, Thor.  What do your desires matter?”  Loki asked quietly.  “Desire is fickle anyway.  By the time you are to wed, you will likely have forgotten this fleeting passion.”

“’Fleeting passion’.  Do you hear yourself?”  Thor asked with disbelief.  “You doubt my love?"

“I do not doubt you mean what you say in this moment.”  Loki allowed.

Thor made an irritated noise as he ran a hand through his hair.  “If you think that the measure of my feelings, you are gravely mistaken, brother.”

Loki lifted a brow pointedly at being called ‘brother’ in that instance and Thor scowled.  “I am tired, Thor.  If you would not mind?”  he made a gesture towards the door.

“I am not leaving until-”

“Fine, you can stay, if you are willing to do it as a frog.”  Loki said as his hand illuminated with green sorcery and he smiled thinly.

“Loki, stop this!”  Thor snapped.  “You cannot run from every conversation.”

“Who is running?  This is my room, I am tired, you are making a fuss.”

Thor stared at his brother for a moment before he snatched Loki’s wrists as he clamped down on them and brought Loki closer.

”Thor.”  Loki’s voice was a warning.

But Thor tilted and pressed a kiss to Loki’s lips and while the trickster clenched his fingers initially, he released his sorcery as he kissed back.  Thor kept their foreheads together but pulled their lips slightly apart.  “If you believe nothing else, believe this, Loki.  I could never love another as I love you.”

Loki inhaled quietly before he said softly.  “Of course not, you have only one brother.”

A look of disappointment crossed Thor’s face before he pulled away.  “I will leave you to your rest.  Good night, Loki.”  Thor said gruffly before with a last, frowning glance he left the room.

When Thor closed the door, Loki sealed it with sorcery before he slid down the foot of his bed and held his head in his hands.  He rubbed at wet eyes as he gave a ragged exhale.  This was madness, it had always been madness, and never would it be otherwise.  They were brothers and sons of the crown.  There was no future for them other than as brothers, and what would even that future be now that they’d laced such strangeness in it?  When Thor was wed, never mind how grating it would be for Loki, he knew the sort of man Thor was.  He wasn’t going to want a former lover close at hand with his chosen wife and brood.  Perhaps Thor would even convince himself this was all Loki’s doing, some great plot or trick.  And even if he did not, the fact remained, Loki was intended to be Thor’s advisor.  Loki would spend another thousand years at least, barring unforeseen circumstances, living in tandem with his proper ‘replacement’.

Better that he give Thor small doses of hurt and reality now.  Before Thor did something ridiculous and impulsive like tell their parents about them.

--xx--

And now in the end, Thor had given birth to his own child as a frost giant with a frost giant.  The only one who would tolerate him, apparently.  The knowledge that Thor had a son was strangely less troublesome than the knowledge that Thor had mothered a son.

Loki supposed he could have done as much, had considered it with idle thoughts, given his shape shifting abilities.  But that he and Thor were brothers precluded that notion from mattering and furthermore Loki had no intentions of taking that role.  Perhaps this too was part of the irony of Loki’s wish, that somehow Thor was now in this position.

When they’d finished, Thor rose first and said.  “I want to go outside.  Alone.”

Loki hesitated at that.  “Outside where?”

”I am a guest, or so you say.  Does it matter?  I can’t leave this realm by my own power.”

There was some truth to that but that didn’t mean Thor was ready to be let to wander.  But neither could he keep claiming Thor was a guest if he didn’t allow him this much.  “You have not yet been announced-”

“-I will stay in the gardens.  I dislike being…trapped.”

The way Thor spoke the last words made it sound as if he might say something else.  But Loki realized that to someone who had been imprisoned for at least two years, and was used to being outside, a palace could well seem a prison.  “Of course, Thor.”  he finally said, and supposed he could covertly keep an eye on Thor anyway.  “If you need anything, I will be nearby.”

”I won’t.”  Thor said confidently as he headed out without a backwards glance, perhaps eager to be away from Loki’s company.

Loki couldn’t blame him, but that didn’t take away the sting of it.  A Thor who despised him, who wanted nothing to do with him, who barely acknowledged him but for negative reasons.  Was that not what he’d once feared?  He wanted to understand more about this Thor, about the man he’d become after a thousand years or so on Jotunheim.  A man who had once nearly been the King of Asgard and had been relegated to the role of runt Jotun.  Loki’s role, and what he would be again if reality were corrected.  He considered his options and how he might appeal to Thor when a wild idea struck him.  It was silliness and yet…might it not actually work?

--xx--

Thor made his way to the gardens with an uncomfortable feeling.  His skin itched in an intangible way, he felt as though he were forgetting something, and given the situation it was deeply unsettling.  More and more little snatches were coming to him, tiny fragments of sounds and visions that suggested there might be truth to what he’d been told.

Thor, a Prince of Asgard…madness.

But what if it wasn’t?

Thor couldn’t say for why but the gardens soothed him somewhat.  Perhaps in part it was the knowledge that his son would have loved it.  Thor slipped into the grass and lay down as he closed his eyes to rest.  Thor Laufeyson, resting in the gardens of the Asgardian palace, who would have thought?

“Help!  Help, please!’

Thor sat up immediately with a frown as he glanced around, and a quick scan of the area found the source.  He saw an Aesir boy clinging to a branch a good ten feet or so off the ground.  The boy called out again and Thor rose as he walked over with a touch of suspicion.

“Will you help me?”  The boy asked.

Thor glanced around to be sure the boy was addressing him, and found no one else present.  “Help you what?”

“To get down.  I am stuck!”

Thor stared at the boy, who did not look the least bit stuck.  “You don’t look stuck.”

The boy blinked in surprise before he said.  “I can’t get back down!”

“How did you get up?”

The boy looked taken aback again to be asked that.  “…Well, I climbed up.”

“Then can’t you climb back down?”

A beat and then the boy said.  “I am…scared.  I need help.”

Thor’s brow furrowed as he eyed the foolish child.  “Scared of what?”

The boy stared at him with a frown of his own then.  “Of-Of falling!”

“That is a strange fear for one who climbed the tree to begin with."

A silence passed between them before the boy made what sounded like an irritated noise.  “Maybe, but I still need help, so will you help me…please?”

Thor considered it before he inclined his head.  “I have never climbed a tree, I will find someone-”

“-Never cli-…right, what if I jump down and you catch me?”

“You are afraid of falling.”  Thor pointed out, and the boy was baffled.

“I’m more afraid of being stuck here all day.”  The boy barely refrained from snapping, having not expected this situation.

“...You see that I am a Jotun?”

“...Yes?  Does that matter?”

“Doesn’t it?”

The boy peered down at Thor before he shook his head.  “It doesn’t matter to me.”

Thor supposed there was no reason to withhold aid then.  “Fine.  Jump and I’ll catch you.”  he said as he moved to stand fully beneath the boy with his arms braced and ready.

“Loki, get down from there!”

“Fine, but you better catch me!”

“Wha-Loki!”

“I knew you would not let me fall, brother.”  A cheeky and smug voice.

Thor heard the voices so vividly and was nearly distracted from his current task as the boy dangled a little before he dropped from the tree.  He caught the boy in his arms and instinctively held him close a moment.  The last time he’d held a child it had been his own son… “I didn’t let you fall.”  he said, almost absently.

“...No, you did not.”  The boy, dark-haired and green-eyed, stared back at him thoughtfully and Thor set him down with another unsettled feeling.

“Do not climb trees again until you learn to climb down.”  Thor advised as he turned to head back to his spot in the gardens.

“Wait!”  The boy cried, and he slipped next to Thor.  “Thank you for helping me.”

Thor paused with an almost confused look before he hesitated, then patted the boy’s head lightly twice.  “You…are welcome.”  he tried.

“What is your name?”  The boy asked immediately after, and it was Thor’s turn to be taken aback.

“Thor.  Son of Laufey.”  he added, thinking it would finally scare the little mischief maker off.  Thor saw the boy frown and thought he’d been right, but the boy made no move to leave. 

“I am Luka.”  The boy announced and Thor gave a short nod before he proceeded back towards his destination.

Thor was surprised when the boy continued to follow him and cast a side glance at the little Aesir.  “Why are you following me?”

“You saved me.”  Luka said.

“...So?”

“Well…well now we are friends.”  Luka tried.

Thor gave the boy an incredulous look as he flopped down into the grass, which put the boy at an eye level.  “Friends?  You wish to be friends with me?”

Luka gave a nod.  “Is that okay?”

Thor peered at the boy and wondered about his wits or lack thereof.  He pointed at himself as he said simply.  “Jotun.”

Luka blinked and then smiled as he pointed at himself.  “Aesir.”

“...Aren’t you afraid of me?”  Thor finally asked, he had seen the children playing at slaying frost giants, he knew Asgardians thought his kind were monsters, so why was this child seemingly enamored of him?

Luka’s smile slipped and he looked almost pained by the question before he sat down and his expression relaxed.  “No.  You are good, I can tell.  You helped me.”

Thor seemed thrown off by that reply before he hummed a bit and then shrugged.  “That is a bad way to judge character, little As.  But you may do as you please.”

There was another silence between them before Luka asked.  “Is there anything you like to do?”

“...What do you mean?”  Thor seemed a little put off by the question.

“For fun?”  Luka clarified.  “Something…that makes you happy?”

Thor’s brow furrowed faintly.  “Why ask that?”

Luka had not expected that question in return and hesitated before he said.  “That is what you ask a friend.”

“Hm.”  Thor made a small noise in surprise as he trailed idle fingers along the grass before he said.  “Do you want to see a trick?”

“A trick?  Sure.”

Thor eyed Luka for a few seconds as if doubting that he truly did, but when Luka seemed only earnest he nodded to himself as he began pooling a small collection of stones and a few bits of stick.  Luka watched curiously as Thor laid them out in several lines, until it resembled a person.

“That…is very good.”  Luka offered and Thor snorted.

“I have not done the trick yet.  Wait, little As.”  Thor brushed his fingertips over the stones and sticks with a faintly somber expression before he seemed determined and closed his eyes.  He clenched his fingers above the formation, releasing and then clenching his fingers again.  Luka stared at Thor, uncertain of what was happening, and was stunned when the little collection rose.  Thor opened his eyes as the pile was upright, and a shaky but distinguishable stone-and-stick person was now present.  A wobbly hand waved at Luka as it took a step towards him.

Luka’s mouth had fallen slightly open and he looked from the figure to Thor with wide eyes.

“Brother, look!”  Loki excitedly pointed to a pile of flower petals and stems that he’d piled together, along with some bits of pine cone and leaves.

Thor’s expression scrunched.  “Some…flower bits?”

Loki grinned as he held out his hand.  “Watch.”  He concentrated as he summoned a flicker of green sorcery to his hand and the pile of ‘flower bits’ became something that resembled a person.  The person spun slowly and then waved at Thor whose brows had risen.

“You made it move!”  Thor seemed impressed and Loki’s chest puffed with pride.  “That is a nice trick.”

Loki wasn’t overfond of his sorcery being called ‘tricks’, but he knew Thor didn’t mean anything by it so let it pass.  Over the next few years, his flower person grew more elaborate and skilled at movement.  And then the game stopped altogether.

“You can use sorcery?”  Luka asked.

“Not sorcery.”  Thor disagreed.  “A trick.”

Luka’s brow furrowed faintly.  “But the trick comes from sorcery.”

Thor shook his head.  “I know no sorcery.”

“Then how are you doing that?”

Thor shrugged.  “It is a small thing I learned.  To please my son.”  His gaze fell back on the stone person then.

“You have a son?”

Thor made a light hum in reply as he idly made the stone person spin slowly.

“What is his name?”

“...His name was Lopt.”  Thor said softly.

Luka saw the pain etched into Thor’s expression and he set a small hand on Thor’s thigh, which seemed to startle the man and make him tense.  So Luka pulled his hand away as he said.  “You looked sad.”

“Sad?”  Thor echoed before he inclined his head.  “…I lost my son.  He was…”

“He was what?”  Luka prompted gently.

Thor seemed faraway a moment as he murmured.  “He was my happiness.”

Luka inhaled sharply and Thor gave him a strange look, so Luka hastened to say.  “I am sorry for your loss, Thor.”

Thor seemed slightly confused again.  “You are the second As to say so.”

“Is that….strange?”

“Why would an Aesir care what happened to a Jotun runt’s child?”  Thor asked bluntly of the ‘Aesir child’ before him.

Luka paused at the again unexpected question and went for a childish reply as he said.  “You do not look like a runt to me.  You are taller than I am.”  He was surprised when after a slight silence Thor actually laughed a little, he held onto the sound.

“That is because you are a little As.”  Thor informed him with a faint smile as he made the stone person wave again before he let it fall back into garden debris.

“I will be big someday!”  The boy protested and Thor chuckled lightly.

“Perhaps.”  Thor conceded generously, given that no Aesir could seem ‘big’ to one who had spent their life with literal giants.

The boy huffed a bit before he asked.  “Do you know any other…tricks?”

Thor considered the question before he made an affirmative noise and said.  “Can you keep a secret, little As?”

“Yes!”  Luka exclaimed ‘eagerly’.  “I will not tell a soul!”  he promised.

Thor tapped his fingers along the ground in thought before he began to change as he said.  “I will hold you to that.”  Blue flesh became tanned and unmarked as Thor’s one red eye became blue, and he looked as he had when he was Aesir, albeit a little younger than when Loki had last seen him.

Luka stared at the man before him with a dumbfounded expression.  “You can…shift forms?”

“A little.”  Thor said as he flexed his fingers with a scrunch of his nose before he restored his own form.

Luka watched as the familiar face regained its less familiar hue and he tried to process the latest development.  Thor had some measure of sorcery, but how much, what else could he do?  “That is…a very good trick indeed.”  Luka offered distractedly.  All the same, when Thor seemed just slightly to preen a bit under the praise, Luka didn’t fail to notice.  “How did you learn it?”

“I don’t know.”  Thor said after a moment’s thought.  “I just can.”

The sound of approaching footsteps distracted the pair, and Thor rose quickly followed by Luka as Odin walked towards them.

“Shit.”  Luka muttered under his breath.

Odin looked from Thor to the boy with a lifted brow, and Luka grimaced.  “I see you have made a new acquaintance.”  he said as he looked back to Thor.

Thor was stiff before Odin and said lowly.  “He is a fool who fell from a tree.”

“Hey!”  Luka protested.  “That was rude.”

Thor’s lips twitched but his gaze was cool as he stared at Odin.

“Children will be children.”  Odin said, and Thor scoffed.

“Was that supposed to be wise?”  Thor asked dryly.  “And a tree will be a tree, and a rock a rock.  The All-Father is truly ‘all-knowing’.”

“Thor!”  Luka hissed and Thor cast a glance down at the boy with an unrepentant expression before he looked back to Odin.

“Simply an observation.”  Odin said calmly though with a frown before he looked to the boy.  “You should return home.  I am sure your mother misses you.”

Luka looked between the pair with hesitation.  “I…”  Odin lifted a brow and Luka cleared his throat.  “Should go home.”

Thor frowned slightly as he looked down again at Luka.  “No more climbing.”  he said, rather sternly, and Luka blinked.  “There will not always be someone to catch you.”

Luka found irony in those words even as he put on a sheepish expression.  “I understand…thank you again, Thor.”

Thor paused a moment before he reached into his pocket and pulled out the coin Loki had given him as he passed it to the boy.  “Throw this in the water.  You can make a wish with it.”  he explained.

Luka stared at the coin before he clenched it in his fist.  “…I will use it well.”

Thor flicked his fingers in a dismissive gesture, but his expression was less tense as Luka offered him a smile and then left off towards the path out of the garden.  When he was gone from sight, Thor turned to Odin.  “You feared for him.”

“What?”

“Isn’t that why you’re here?  You saw me in the company of the boy and came to make sure I didn’t eat him?”  Thor said, a hint of mocking in his tone.

“Why ever would you have eaten him?  The boy was skin and bones.  He would make no ready meal for you.”

Thor looked stunned at that reply and blinked before Odin smiled thinly.

“I merely came to see how you were faring.”

“Well now you’ve seen.”  Thor said bluntly.

“You dislike me.”  Odin noted, it was not a question.

“Why would any Jotun dislike the All-Father who stole their Casket and condemned their people to starvation?”  Thor retorted.  “Where would be the sense in that?”

“And what of the mortals that Laufey butchered, and the more still he would have if I had not?  Children among them.”

Thor grimaced at that before he said.  “Laufey’s crimes are not our crimes.  You would spare mortal children at the cost of Jotun children.”

“The mortals didn’t attack Jotunheim.”

“Not all Jotnar attacked Midgard.”

“And if you had been raised in Laufey’s court, a full giant, you would not have partaken of battle with your kin?”  Odin asked pointedly.

“I thought I was here because I am your kin?”  Thor drawled, an uncomfortable look on his face.

“That remains to be seen.”  Odin said.  “Loki is sure of you, and Frigga is convinced.  I have reservations.”

“I am not surprised.”

Odin took a step forward and Thor tensed as he eyed the All-Father warily.  “If it is true, then Loki has committed a grave crime.”

“And what would you do about it?”

“...There has never been a precendent that I know of.  But there would be consequences.”

“Consequences.”  Thor repeated quietly.  “And what consequence would ever be enough, if it were true?”

“That is something I would need to determine.”

“More wisdom from the All-Father.”  Thor said sarcastically.

“Until then.”  Odin continued as if Thor had not spoken.  “For the sake of Frigga, and in part of Loki, I wish to make every effort to prove or disprove what has come to pass.  In the meantime, I hope you may find it in yourself not to see me as your enemy.”

“And you see me as otherwise?”

“...I hope I may find it in myself as well.”  Odin finally said, and something like a hint of begrudging respect found Thor’s expression at what was a decidedly honest answer.

“I am not one for hoping.”

Odin chuckled lightly.  “Nor I, but I try all the same.”

Thor looked at the man he held responsible, at least in part, for the poor state of things on his realm.  The man who had healing rooms where Thor’s son might have been saved if he had only had access to them.  “You are welcome to try.  But I would not expect much.”

A tired sigh and then a nod, though Odin paused before he added.  “I am sorry for the loss of your son.”

“You As keep saying that.”  Thor said coolly.  “But I find it a hollow apology when I look upon your pretty realm.”

“You have repeated that not all Jotnar are to blame for Tonsberg, but neither are all Aesir to blame for your son.”

“Stop speaking of him.”  Thor said as his hands clenched at his side.  “You have no right.”

Odin had the temptation to disagree, given that he was king and All-Father and Thor was in his realm.  But he had promised Frigga he would make an effort and stay open-minded.  “As you like.”  he said.  “I will see you tonight at dinner?”

“Seems like it.”  Thor said dryly.

“Then I bid you a pleasant afternoon till then.”  With that, Odin turned back towards the palace and left Thor to his own devices.

Thor watched Odin’s back as a low fury settled in his gut.  Not all Aesir are to blame he said, and yet the lowliest Aesir lived like a king compared to how things were in Jotunheim.  How easy it was for Odin All-Father to speak careless apologies and pass responsibility to Laufey, as if Odin and Bor themselves had not been conquerors.   His gaze dropped back to the ground and the discarded garden debris and his expression softened into something sorrowful as he held the necklace under his tunic.  His son’s lock of hair, all he had left of the greatest light and warmth he’d had in an otherwise cold and dark realm.  Odin spoke of hope, but Thor’s hopes had died with his son.  Thor let his hand fall as he scattered the pieces of the stone man with his foot and tried to recall the sound of his son’s laugh.

--xx--

Loki shook himself off as he restored himself to his true form and considered what he had learned.  Thor now, as then, had a soft spot for children.  And it was clear he still grieved his son.  But more than that, Thor had named his son ‘Lopt’, an unknowing reference to the brother he’d forgotten.   Thor wielded what clearly seemed to be sorcery and yet called it ‘tricks’.  Loki had taken all the was Thor’s, and while he still had sorcery…perhaps Thor now did to?  But how had he learned to wield it and why was he convinced it was otherwise?

There was also the matter of Thor having introduced himself as Laufey's son when from now on he would need to be Thor son of Vili.  Well, there would be time to correct that...and Thor would hopefully be reasonably amenable.

Loki had seen softness in Thor’s expression, had heard him laugh, and for a moment had even been in Thor’s arms such as it was.  He reflected to himself with wry, bitter humor that if he was going to be so pathetically moved by that bit of contact, he shouldn’t have done this in the first place.

Well, but he’d known that already.  Loki was nothing if not regretful now, and remorseful besides.

Thor clearly expected all Aesir to be afraid of him, and the idea of Thor considering himself appearing as a monster to the people over whom he should be prince and future king put an uncomfortable feeling in Loki.  It was not a thought the original Thor would ever have had.  The sarcasm, the dryness, the cynical nature…it was all far more to be expected of Loki than ever of Thor and yet here they were.   Thor clearly disdained his own true father and still refused to believe in his true identity or fully embrace his relationship to Frigga.  Loki felt, in some ways, the most guilty about that as he watched Thor interacting with Frigga like a stranger and then like someone desperate for a touch of affection and positive reception.  Loki knew the feeling well.  Even Thor’s seeming pleasure at being praised, even by a child for his ‘tricks’ was…well, it spoke volumes to Loki of Thor’s experience and current nature.  He had discovered a chink in Thor’s armor, and wondered what he might do as Luka to make Thor remember himself as well as learn more of the man his brother currently was.

Loki resolved to tell his mother of what had happened, and he supposed his father was going to want an explanation as well.

“I didn’t let you fall.”

The words rang in Loki’s mind, as did Thor’s momentary appearance in what Loki considered his true form.  Thor was so close and yet leagues away, which was what Loki had more or less thought of him before.  The same situation with an entirely different context.  He slipped his hand into his pocket and took out the coin Thor had gifted back to him.  If only it were as easy to reverse the wish as it had been to make it in the first place.  Loki spun the coin along his fingers and thought of days past as he headed for his mother’s rooms.