But Smile No More

“You cannot go to dinner like that.”  Loki informed Thor yet again as his brother frowned defiantly at him.

“I have the…”

”Deflection spell.  It has worn off, and I am not going to put another one on just to give you an excuse to walk around unclothed.”

”I am clothed!”  Thor hissed as he gestured to his loincloth.

“Why are you so fixated on the damn loincloth?”  Loki finally demanded.

“None of your business, Asgar-”

Loki held up a glowing green hand.  “You can go in at least a tunic, or you can go as a frog.  Your choice, Thor.”  he said dryly.

Thor tensed and looked at Loki’s hand warily.  “…You don’t have such power…you would have used it already.”

“I have been trying to treat you kindly, so I have refrained from…going overboard.  But if you insist on showing up in front our mother practically naked, then you can do so as a frog.”

“Your-”

“If you say ‘your mother’, I will turn you into a tadpole, Thor.”  Loki growled, at his wit’s end with his brother.

Thor fell silent at that before he muttered.  “She would be angry with you.”

Loki found the comment a little strange, perhaps it was just an inference on Thor’s part but it felt…maybe a little too pointed?  “Wouldn’t be the first time.”  he drawled.

“That you made her angry or that you…made a frog of a Thor?”

“Both.”  Loki said unrepentantly as Loki twisted his glowing hand.  “What is it to be, Thor?  As a man, or as a frog?”

Thor seemed surprised at the ‘as a man’ comment, and he frowned before he muttered.  “…A man.”

“Good.”  Loki said as he used his sorcery to conjure a red tunic for Thor who seemed almost puzzled by it a moment as he took it.  “Something wrong?”

“...The red is…” he trailed off.  “Did I used t-” his expression shuttered as he seemed to realize he was about to ask something as though speaking of ‘his past life’.

Loki latched on eagerly though, hopeful at the little hint of possibility.  “Yes.  Thor favored red, and I green.  He wore a red cape often…Mother would give us matching outfits sometimes in our colors.”

“Make it brown.”  Thor said abruptly and Loki felt his hopes dash again.  “I am not that other Thor, and I don’t want his colors.”

Loki wanted to keep it red out of a streak of pettiness, and also out of desire to have Thor look some further semblance like himself, but antagonizing this Thor would do him no good.  He reluctantly altered the color to brown, and Thor in turn reluctantly put the tunic on.

Thor wasn’t sure where his stray sentence had started to come from.  He was not that Aesir, if that one even existed…and this man was no brother of his.

He thought of Frigga’s warm hand on his cheek and looked down at his blue hands, struck again by the strangest feeling that his hands should not be blue next to hers.  She had seemed nice for an As, perhaps that was all it was, that he assumed she must be frightened of him although she treated him kindly.  ‘My son’ she had called him with tears in her eyes, and then his own eyes had grown wet…a trick?  There seemed to be much sorcery at play, all three of the House of Odin members had used it.

In the back of his mind he heard a woman’s faint humming still, and the echo of a child’s voice.

“Tor.”

“Thor."

Thor looked up as Loki’s use of his name startled him out of his moment of distraction.  “I am ready.”  he said, not sure what the other man had asked.  He looked at Thor strangely, in Thor’s opinion, but proceeded on and Thor followed.   What was he even still doing there?  Thor needed to find a way back to Jotunheim, he did not belong with these Aesir in their palace of excess.  Summoning water to sit in bowls of it, sleeping on beds that gave way with ease…and those damned magic beds…Jotunheim lacked for basic resources and the Asgardians were this luxuriant?  Thor hated them all the more, and their glittering, colorful city.

When they entered the dining room, he froze, aghast at what he saw.  A long table was set with more food than he had ever seen in his life.  Dishes he had no name for, rows of them, in quantities surely far larger than they four could eat.  Were more coming, was there to be a party?  What if that’s what this was?  They sought to use Thor for spectacle as Tivan had?

“Welcome, Thor.”  Frigga’s voice was sweet and echoed in the hall.  “And Loki.”  she added with a warm smile.

Loki cast Thor a curious glance as the man had stopped in his tracks and stared at the table like it was a nightmare made real.  “What is the matter?”

Thor looked from the table, to Frigga, and then to Loki.  “Do you mean to use me as the other did?  I will not let it pass.”  he hissed lowly.

Loki was taken aback, not sure what Thor meant exactly or where this was coming from.  He didn’t want to have a confrontation in front of their parents and he took a step closer as he spoke lowly, and hid splayed palms in front of his stomach.  “I don’t know what troubles you right now, but it will not happen.  We are here to eat, nothing more, I swear to you, Thor.”

“No one will touch me.”  Thor said firmly.

Loki again felt sick at the words, at the potential implications, at what his brother must have been through.  “None will touch you.”  he echoed in agreement and Thor seemed to relax slightly.

“All well?”  Odin asked from the table.

“It has been a long day for Thor, he is a little overwhelmed.”  Loki said quickly as he motioned Thor forward.  He took a seat next to Thor, they sat across from the All-Parents and Thor looked at the spread on the table with a frown.

“You required frozen meat?  And you spoke of berries?”  Loki had sent communication through a servant.  Frigga spoke as she motioned a servant forward, one chosen for their discretion and long service to the family.  A covered plate was set in front of Thor who watched the servant before he looked to the plate.

Thor found himself presented with a metal dome and he looked at it before he looked to the others.  “…Am I supposed to break it?”

“Break what?”  Frigga asked.

“The armor.”  Thor said as he pointed to the cover of the plate and Loki choked on the sip he’d been taking.

Loki quickly pulled the dome off the platter to reveal a hefty pile of various frozen meats, and a large pile of frozen berries.  He glanced at his brother and saw that Thor’s cheeks had darkened to a faint shade of purple…was he blushing?

“It…makes sense, to armor your food so it isn’t taken or damaged.”  Thor offered to cover for his mistake.  What was wrong with these Asgardians?  They had food in such quantities and yet were so fearful to lose it that they covered it in metal armor?

He grabbed a handful of berries and ate them from his palm before he reached for a slab of frozen meat and tilted his head back to slip the whole piece in.  When he looked back, he found three pairs of eyes on him and he paused.

“Thor-”  Loki started, but Frigga spoke up.

“-You may use it if you like, or not, if you choose.  But there is a fork at your setting.”  she said as she held her own up before she used it to spear a piece of her own non-frozen meat.  “You may find it easier.”

Thor doubted that highly, and had it been Loki who had suggested it he would have kept on with his hands.  But the woman…he didn’t want to…upset her.  Perhaps that was the way to put it.  Thor took his ‘fork’ and jabbed it into a piece of meat which he then took all in one bite.  When he’d finished it, he inclined his head at Frigga.  “A useful small spear.”

A few seconds of silent before Odin spoke up.  “It is not meant to be a weapon…though it can be used as one.  We have such tales here…have you any in Jotunheim?  Tales…myths.”

“We aren’t savages.”  Thor said dryly through a mouthful of meat.  “Course we have stories.”  he muttered, and withheld a stupid As.   He was not eager for another taste of Gungnir’s power.

“Of course not.”  Frigga said.  “But not all cultures are tale-tellers.” she soothed.

Loki watched as his brother fumbled over a fork.  There was a time when Thor’s state would have filled him with malicious glee, when he would have been pleased for every misstep.  Especially if Thor could be right-minded after for Loki to rub it in his face.  But now it pained him, and he felt more sorry for his brother than he ever knew he could.  Thor was not a man to be felt sorry for, or at least he had not been…now?  He was increasingly seeming to be one of the most pitiable men he’d ever met and yet again his mind did not fail to point out it was Loki’s own doing.

There was a knock at the dining hall door and the discreet servant passed a message to Odin.  “A moment.”  he said to the members of the table as he headed for the door.

Thor saw a chance in the moment of distraction as he took a handful of berries and meats and shoved them into the pocket of the tunic Loki had made him wear.  He wasn’t sure when he would be fed again.

Loki caught the end movement of Thor’s hands, noticed the new bulge of Thor’s pocket, and nearly said something.  But Frigga addressed him by name and Loki looked up at his mother to see she was wearing a pointedly stern expression…she did not want him to speak of it, but why?  “An excellent meal, Mother.”  he gave, as reason for why she might have called his name.

“Thor, is it to your liking?”  Frigga asked.

Thor swallowed a mouthful of berries.  “It is cold enough.”

“The taste, I mean.  Is it suitable?”

“It isn’t rotten.”  Thor confirmed, surprised the Asgardians wouldn’t have known that already.

Loki blinked.  “She means…are you enjoying it?  Does it taste to your satisfaction?”

Thor didn’t understand why the pair were so intent on what he thought of the food.  “…If you’re pointing out that I owe you for the food…fine.  I will perform a service for it.  But no one will touch me.”  he warned again.

“You owe us nothing for the food, Thor.”  Frigga reassured him patiently even as Loki fought against a pained expression.  “I wish to make you comfortable.  If the food tastes poorly to you, we will fix you something else.”

Thor stilled at that before he frowned deeply.  “Why would taste matter?”

“You don’t have preferences?  On Jotunheim?”  Loki tried to clarify, unsure of where the miscommunication lay.

“My preference was surviving.  Getting enough food for me and-”  he trailed off with an aggressive jab of his fork into a piece of meat.  “Taste is a worry for you greedy As.”  he growled as he shoved the bite into his mouth before he remembered Frigga.  He looked back up at her as he lowered his fork slowly as he swallowed quickly.  “I…"

Loki felt like it was hard to breathe, like his chest was constricted as he took in the implications of Thor’s words.  He remembered Thor’s vitriolic reaction when he had spoken sarcastically of letting him starve.  Thor had…actually starved on Jotunheim?

A skeleton, The Collector had called Thor when he had arrived.

Loki’s food tasted like ash in his mouth and he forced himself to swallow.  Suddenly the strange hoarding of food in his tunic pocket also made sense.  He breathed in and out slowly and willed his expression into a neutral one.  Loki had a masterful poker face, he could control his emotions, he would not be undone by this.

He had left his brother to starve.  Stolen his life, his family, his birth right, his home, his identity, his powers, his hammer, all that was Thor’s, Loki had taken.  Loki felt dizzy at the knowledge and he tried to concentrate on his mother and Thor’s conversation, tried to stay focused when Odin returned to the table.

“Are resources so scarce on Jotunheim?”  Frigga asked.

Thor paused, not sure if she was making fun of him for a moment before she looked genuine.  He supposed it made sense a great lady of Asgard, the queen, wouldn’t know what happened in the realm of ‘monsters’.  “Without the Casket, the realm is…broken.  Most struggle in some way but for a runt…” he said as he jabbed another piece of meat.  “It is almost impossible.”  he took another bite.

“They lost the Casket when they decided to conquer Midgard.”  Odin said, his voice slightly raised.

Thor’s hand clenched around the fork as he looked to Odin.  “Some of us weren’t alive for Tonsberg.  But we starve for it all the same.”  he said bitterly as he referenced the battle at which Odin beat back the Jotnar.

Loki wanted to put his head in his hands, to disappear, to be anywhere but there in that moment being further struck by the realization that he had sentenced his brother to torment on a whim.

“And if the Jotnar had the Casket, if Laufey had it, he would not seek war again?”

Thor shrugged.  “I don’t know what he would do.  Never met the bastar-” he glanced at Frigga and amended.  “Laufey.”  he muttered.

Loki noted again that Thor seemed to defer somewhat to Frigga…in theory it was a good thing, but the fact that he was so receptive to Frigga and so closed off to him hurt.

“May I ask, why are smaller giants…not looked kindly upon?”

Thor again studied Frigga and decided he wasn’t being mocked.  “Why are runts hunted?”  he clarified bluntly, and Loki’s eyes widened.  “We Jotnar are a warrior people.  We fight for everything.  Mates, food, land…runts are a useless mouth to feed.  Most of the time they lose.”

“When you say hunted.”  Loki asked, unable to stop himself.

Thor’s lip curled faintly but he answered anyway.  “Even a runt alone can take resources from the wild.  Runts are culled, at birth if possible, or later sometimes.  You asked about my scars, Asgardian?  Fights.  They fight for sport, I fight for my life.  My motivation is better.  Fate wills it so.”  he said, with a vicious smile as he ate a handful of berries.

Hunted like an animal for being a Jotun runt, for being what Loki once was.  Thor’s words were pointed daggers in Loki’s heart.

“How did you learn to fight?”  Odin asked.

“Necessity is a great teacher.”  Thor said.

“Where in the Hel did you learn that, brother?”  Loki asked, bewildered at his brother’s display of hitherto unseen skill.

Thor grinned as he clapped his brother on the back.  “Necessity is a great teacher.”

Loki stared at Thor, for it was Thor in that giant’s form, and he must be in there truly deep down…how was Loki to reach him?  And what would he think of Loki then?

Thor finished off his plate and chugged from his glass of water.

“If you are finished, Thor, will you accompany me to the gardens?”

Thor hesitated, he saw Odin frown slightly, but Frigga smiled warmly at him and figured there was no reason to decline.  “Yeah…I can do that.” he decided.

Frigga rose and Thor mirrored the movement, and she came around the table as she motioned to the door.

“I will come-”

“-Later, dear heart.”  she said and Loki remained where he was.

Frigga led Thor out and when they were alone, Odin addressed Loki.  “Has he made any more attempts to hurt you?”

Loki thought of the quarrel in the hallway and decided not to mention it.  “No, he has been…calmer.  Have you remembered anything, Father?”

“I have not.”  Odin said as he stared at Loki from across the table before he said quietly.  “If your tale is true, my son…what you did would be a terrible thing.”

Loki inhaled sharply at that as he nodded slowly.  “No one know that better than I.”

Odin studied his son and saw no guile in his words, there seemed to be a great deal of guilt in him.  He saw the stricken look on Loki’s face when Thor had thought the dome was armor, before Loki had masked it.  “Why make such a wish and then desire it undone?”

“...Thor and I…had many misunderstandings between us.  And again, truly, when the being made the offer it had seemed…impossible.  I may have thought I wanted the wish, but I spoke it in jest.”

“But if you had believed the creature, would you have still made such a wish?”

Loki hesitated and exhaled slowly.  “…Probably.”  he admitted.  If all could be restored, Odin would remember this amongst other things eventually and he would not be doing himself any favors to try and lie.  The Odin of the other reality was far more adept at seeing through Loki’s prevarications.

“If you were in my position in such an instance, what would you do?”

Loki was surprised at the question, and he had no ready answer.  If he had taken in a child, raised him, and he had grown to erase his brother what would Loki do as All-Father and father?  “I don’t know.”

“You will be All-Father someday, and King of Asgard.  You must be able to answer for any action, for any possibility.”

“...What would you do?”

Odin paused for a long moment before he said.  “The crime would demand execution if it were successful.”  Loki’s breath faltered at that.  “But if it were willingly undone by the one who cast it…the crime would not exist as such, only the attempt.  Imprisonment would be the logical option.”

Loki nearly laughed at that.  What a full circle punishment it would be, to start in prison for one crime and end up there again for another.  “And what would you think of a son who did such a thing?”

“He would be a grave disappointment.”  Loki felt a pit in his stomach.  “And I would grieve that my sons hurt each other so.”  Loki met Odin’s gaze at that, and Odin nodded his head to the door.  “I do not trust this Thor, whether he be who you claim or not, he does not know himself.  Keep an eye on your mother.”

“You wish me to eavesdrop?”  Loki clarified.

“I wish you to watch over your mother.”  Odin corrected, a little wryly.  As Loki nodded and rose from the table, Odin held up a hand and Loki paused.  “This…Odin in your memories.  What happened after the Odinsleep?”

“...Hard to say.  I fell from the Bifrost, and did not see him for over a year.”

“You fell from the Bifrost?”  Odin repeated, mildly astonished.  “How could you have survived?”

He repressed a shudder as he remembered Sanctuary, the place where Thanos and The Other resided.  “I was found and restored.”  Only to be broken again.

“...Very well, we will speak more of this later…go to your mother.”  Odin said again.  “Rest well, my son.”

“...Thank you, Father.”  Loki said, as he cast a lingering glance at Odin and then left.

The tale grew only stranger as Loki claimed to have fallen from the Bifrost and lived.  Odin was not sure what to make of it.

--

“Welcome to the gardens, Thor.”   Frigga said as she gestured around.  “Prettier in the daylight, but still beautiful at night.  None will disturb us here."

The moonlight covered the garden in a white glow and sorcerous orbs that stored sunlight throughout the day illuminated the path.  She took a seat at a bench and after a moment’s hesitation, Thor followed suit.

“Do any flowers grow on Jotunheim?”  Frigga asked.

Thor turned from the garden to Frigga.  “…Not like this.  And not many.”

“And had you the Casket, would there be?”

Thor looked deeply surprised by the question and eyed Frigga as though he suspected an ulterior motive.  But after a few more seconds he shrugged.  “We never had the Casket since I’ve been alive.  Don’t know.”

“I see…”  she murmured.

Loki shielded himself as he approached the garden, and leaned against a wall as he listened and watched.  A frost giant-a Jotun-in Asgard again and this time it was Thor.  He let his eyes rove over the changed form, the size difference made more sense now too…this Thor had been starved before.  Thor had been malnourished, as well as that he was younger.

“...Aesir think the Jotnar are monsters…why are you being…kind?”  Thor asked as he shifted uncomfortably, and Loki winced at the question.

“I do not think the Jotnar are monsters.”  Frigga said.  “Monsters are not born, they are made.  And how can a race be one of monsters for trying to survive, as any other would?”

Thor’s brow furrowed.  “…Conquering Midgard wasn’t for survival.”

“No.  But Jotunheim was not the only of the Nine Realms to seek conquest.  It could not be let to pass though, the Midgardians could not defend themselves and it fell to Odin to defend them as All-Father.”

“Any of the them could do what Jotunheim did.  Those other realms.  Odin didn’t take their ‘Caskets’.”  Thor said, a little sullenly.  “He calls it mercy that had made his so-called truce.  But my people live like beasts so you As can armor your food even when you have more than you can even eat!”  he ended on a snap before he looked at Frigga with a mixture of defiance and sheepishness.

Loki was stunned by the statement.  The Jotnar were monsters in his eyes, that was what he had been raised to believe, and the absence of their Casket was all that held them back from ravaging the Nine Realms but what Thor described…it sounded like cruelty.

“I was not born Aesir.”  Frigga said softly as she turned the conversation somewhat.  “I was born of the Vanir, in the wilds of Vanaheim.”

“They think the Jotnar are monsters too?”

“Yes.”  she admitted.  “Most races do, I’m afraid.”

Thor scoffed as he looked back over the garden.  “Have you ever met a Jotun before me?”

“...If Loki is to be believed, then yes.”  Frigga said, and Thor looked mildly startled at that before he frowned in thought.

“If he’s right, he killed your real son.”  Thor pointed out.

“If he is right, both are my real sons.”  Frigga amended and Thor looked at her with a furrowed brow.  “He would be no less my son for being adopted.”

Loki felt a pang in his heart at that as he looked to his mother.  Even in that context, she would say such a thing, still claim him as her own?

Thor fell silent and Frigga offered him a soft smile.  “Would you like to see Vanaheim?”

”What?  Now?…With that Bifrost thing?”

Frigga chuckled lightly.  “No, like this.”  she held up her hand and whitish-blue sorcery glowed a moment before illusions appeared.  The garden had become a lush forest of tall, green trees and paths lined with ivy and flowers.  Birds chirped and flew from tree to tree, as creatures skittered along the ground.  “Vanaheim is a land of many forests.”  she waved her hand again as another space in the garden now held the illusion of a waterfall and glistening pool of water.  “And waterfalls.”

Thor froze before he rose abruptly, and he stepped almost hesitantly towards the trees.  He put his hand to one and was startled when it passed through.

“My illusions cannot be touched.  But they are nice to look upon.”

Thor didn’t reply as he stepped through some of the trees, went to the waterfall and held his hand out to the rushing water anyway, and then went back to looking at the trees.  “What is it like there?” he finally asked in a quiet tone.

“Warm, pleasantly so.  The scent of the trees hands in the air, and there is often a cool breeze.  There are many who choose to live in villages in the forest, to be one with nature.  We slept among the stars many a night, the sounds of nature served as our lullabies.”

Thor stared up at the trees for a long moment before he sighed heavily.  “And what of…sickness?”

“What of it?”

“Do you also have the…magic beds?”

Frigga studied Thor a moment before she rose to stand beside him as she removed the illusions of forests and the waterfall and showed Vanir being treated by healing magic.  “We use a different magic, still quite effective…are you ill, Thor?  I will take you to the healers myself.”

”No.”  Thor said lowly as he stared into the space the trees had been with something like a look of longing.

“...Someone you know?”

”Someone I knew.”  he said quietly.

“Someone you loved.”  Frigga guessed, and Thor’s expression crumpled for the first time since Loki had seen him on Knowhere.

“My son.”  he whispered.

Loki almost made a noise of shock and restrained himself as he stared at his brother, Frigga too looked surprised and then sympathetic.

“...You lost a child to illness?”  As Thor nodded, Frigga gave him a sad look and put a gentle hand on his upper arm.  He looked to her but didn’t move.

“I am sorry, Thor.  No parent should bury their child.”

“...Why would you be sorry?”

“You lost a child, that is a terrible fate for any parent to suffer.”

“...but why…would you care?”  he mumbled, and Loki’s heart shattered a little at the question and Thor’s inability to quite understand why Frigga would offer him genuine sympathy.

“Even if I did not believe you were my son, I would still grieve that a child’s life was lost, and that you suffered for it.  I need not be close to someone to understand the pain of loss.  I too have lost a child.”

Loki was startled by that.

“His name was Balder.  He did not live long after I gave birth to him…I knew him only moments, but I loved him with all my heart.  To lose him and to bury him…it is a pain I would not wish on my greatest enemy.”

Thor’s face looked so vulnerable in that moment that Loki had to resist the urge to go to him and offer comfort, a rare instinct indeed.  “My son…was sick…for almost two years.  Nothing helped…I gave him most of the food I could get…he grew weaker and weaker…” he stared into a space beside Frigga’s head then as he lost himself the memory.  “He could not laugh without coughing…he couldn’t play anymore…and then he couldn’t walk…”  Thor’s eyes grew wet and he seemed not to notice when a few tears slipped out and froze on his face.  “And then he couldn’t speak…not a whisper…”  Thor’s voice broke.  “Then he didn’t open his eyes…he never…he was only ten years...”  Thor cut off with a choked noise as his body trembled.

Loki put a hand over his mouth to stop himself making a sound as he watched his brother start to fall apart over the death of…a child, a son… For two years Thor had fought to keep his child alive and failed…and now he understood Thor’s anger at the healing room.  The idea that his son might have been healed easily on Asgard for what had caused such suffering to he and Thor.  Loki’s own eyes watered, unable to believe the further circumstances Thor had been through.  His brother had a son, and lost him to a wasting illness…

Frigga slipped her arms around Thor and he stiffened as he held still a moment.  She cupped a hand on the back of his head, and the other arm around his upper back as she hugged him.  “I am so very sorry, Thor.”  she said softly.

Thor made another choked noise, his hands clenched, and then he gripped Frigga back as he put his face onto her shoulder and sobbed softly.  No one had grieved with him, no one had spoken with him of such things, his son died and soon after he had been taken by The Collector.  Thor had felt lost, he had not felt much will to keep struggling after losing his son but then he’d been given no choice.  And now this woman, this Queen of the Aesir, this Vanir, she was calling Thor son and saying she was sorry for his…she was touching him, hugging him without fear.  “Mother.”  the name bubbled forth from his mouth unintentionally, but it felt…it felt right somehow…what if the nonsense Loki spoke was true?  What if somehow, against all reason, it was the truth?

Frigga hummed a tune lightly and Thor froze before he pulled back to look at her with wet eyes.  “How do you know that song?”

“What?  The lullaby?  I often sang it for…for you and Loki.”  she said out loud, she paused as the feeling came to her, the truth of it.  “I would…stroke your hair and soothe you.”  she lifted her hand to Thor’s head and gently ran her fingers through his hair, and a few more tears left Thor’s eyes.

“I…I don’t remember.”

“What about in here?”  she asked, as she put a hand over his heart and Thor could not say for why but his hand instantly reached up to cover hers as he squeezed it in a way that felt so familiar.  “What of your heart, Thor?”

“I…”  Thor winced against a sudden pain in his head and Frigga cupped his cheek.

“Shh, let it go.”  Frigga murmured.  “Do not push yourself.  We have time, dear heart.  We have time.” she pulled him into another hug and Thor gripped her like a lifeline as he trembled against her.  “You are safe here, my son.”  she promised.  “You are home.”

Loki slumped against the wall as he watched the scene.  Thor’s broken-hearted grief over the death of a child that should never have existed.  This reality was a false one.  The life had not been Thor’s to lead.  And now there he was, unable to remember Frigga truly, and unable entirely to forget her.  Thor looked at her with such reverence, but she was Thor’s own mother, this comfort was his due and Loki had taken that from him as much as anything else.  Thor did not deserve this…  “What have I done?”  he said, barely a ghost of a whisper to himself.

Frigga soothed Thor enough to lead him back to the bench where they sat side by side with their hands laced.  “What was your son’s name?”

“...Lopt.”

Loki and Frigga wore similar looks of surprise.  “Did you choose that name?”

“Yes…is it…you don’t like it?”

“On the contrary, I like it very much…Lopt is another name for Loki, and so I was surprised to hear it.”

Thor looked confused.  “They are different names.”

“Lopt is…a nickname of sorts, that someone named Loki might be called.”

Thor pondered that a moment as he looked down at their joined hands.  “…You think…I named him because of…”

“It is possible…but in either case, Lopt’s name is his own.”

“...I haven’t talked about my son in…a long time…” he whispered.  “All I have left of him is a braid of his hair…I hid it in my loincloth, so the bastard on Knowhere wouldn’t find it-” he trailed off.  “Language.”  he muttered, as he reprimanded himself on Frigga’s behalf.

Thor’s aggression and insistence about the loincloth suddenly made sense to Loki, although that was no place to store such a thing…he resolved to find a way to broach the subject and find something more suitable.  And get Thor out of the worn, undoubtedly uncleanly loincloth.

“How long were you held by The Collector?”

“...About two years…”

“Is he why you feared to be touched?"

”I’m not afraid!”  Thor snapped and then looked apologetic.  “Sorry.”  he muttered, the first apology Loki had heard him give, and Frigga smiled patiently.  “He…you don’t want to hear it.”  he said dismissively.

“If you are willing to share, I wish to listen.”

Thor inhaled slowly and then shrugged.  “He kept me chained…he brought me to his…parties.  They wanted to touch me.  My hair.  My kin lines.  They are…sensitive.  Sometimes they would try to see what would hurt the most to them.  To burn, to cut…”  he trailed off at Frigga’s horrified expression.  “It’s fine.  I’m good with pain.  It wasn’t that bad, compared to growing up as a runt on Jotunheim…that was nothing.  But not being able to fight back…that was what…”  he cut off with an angry noise and then shrugged.

“There will be none of that here…and Thor, you may if you wish, but know that you do not need to take food with you.”  she said she motioned to his pocket and his eyes widened slightly, surprised that she knew.  “You will have food and drink whenever you wish.  You will owe nothing for it.”

“...Fr-Queen Frigga…”  he addressed her for the first time.

“If you will not call me ‘mother’, then Frigga, please.”

“You’re the Aesir Queen…”  Thor mumbled.

“Then I am within my rights to ask you to call me as I pleased, am I not?”

Thor hesitated and then nodded.  “…F-Frigga.”  he tried the name out and Frigga offered him a reassuring smile.  He paused for a beat and then said, almost as if worried she would deny him for it.  “I think…”  he grew more quiet.  “I think I…remember you…a little…here.”  he slipped a slow hand over his heart before he dropped it and avoided Frigga’s gaze.  “Maybe I’m wrong.” he added in another mumble.

“You have no idea how happy I am to hear that, Thor.”  Frigga said gently as she set a hand against his cheek and brushed her thumb over it, and he stared at her then with an almost child-like expression as he leaned slightly into her hand.  “I hope in time, we will both remember all that we have forgotten.”

“...Yeah…”  Thor agreed quietly.  “…Th…Thank you, for…for all of this.”

“There is nothing to thank me for, it is a pleasure to spend time with you, Thor.  And I am grateful you have trusted me with what you have.  I hope we may speak like this again.  I wish to hear about your son.”

Thor swallowed hard at that.  “I’d…like that too…”

“You have been through much…I will take you to your room.”

“Can I-”  he started and broke off, and she encouraged him to continue.  “Can I stay out here awhile?”

Frigga smiled.  “Of course.  I will have Loki come around to show you to your room when you are ready.”

Thor’s expression scrunched and she chuckled.  “…If I am your son…he killed me.”

Frigga’s expression fell at that and Loki lowered his head.  “I know.”  she said quietly.  “I will send someone else.”  she amended.

Thor shook his head.  “Don’t bother.  I don’t…like strangers anyway.  Least I know what to expect with him.”

Frigga looked at her son sadly a moment before she inclined her head and rose, and Thor followed suit.  “I will offer a prayer for Lopt tonight.”

“...Is that a good thing?”

“You do not pray on Jotunheim?”

Thor shrugged.  “Not me anyway.”

“It is…like a well wish.”  Frigga explained.

“...Lopt would like that then.”  Thor decided.

Frigga offered Thor another soft, slightly sad smile.  “Then I will see you on the morrow, Thor.  Rest well.”

“...Rest well…Frigga.”  Thor echoed back, supposing that was some Asgardian custom, and he watched her walk away before he looked back at the garden.  Lopt would have loved to have seen it…he stepped into the garden before he sat down with a knee cocked and an arm resting on the cocked knee as he ran his hand through the flowers.  Thor imagined what it would have been like to see Lopt playing in them, laughing in them as Thor chased him in play.  Tears began to pour down his face and he laughed quietly to himself.  Thor thought he had no more tears left to shed, and now here he was, in the gardens of Asgard’s palace crying for his son.  A son who, if the madness was to be believed, had been a grandson of the All-Parents of the Nine Realms.  “My son…” he said softly, and caressed the flowers as he remembered him.

Loki had not left his position, and could only watch as Thor wore an unfamiliar expression of deep, weary sadness such as he could not ever remember seeing on his brother.  He heard the soft words, and found a divide between he and Thor greater than that caused by Thor’s time on Jotunheim.  Thor’s behavior as a Jotun had been a separation between them…but the knowledge that his brother, who was still so young even as his true self in Loki’s eyes, had a son and lost him…that Thor now held such deep grief…that was not the Thor he knew.  That was not an experience he counted on Thor having.  That felt like an experience of a man beyond their years, and not of the young men they truly were…and Thor was even younger than him now, technically…the broken-hearted look on Thor’s face was burned into his mind, as was the way Thor fell apart on Frigga’s shoulder even without properly remembering her.  Frigga and Thor, loving and pained, remembering and not remembering, separated by Loki’s schemes…and for what?  Loki felt more miserable than he ever had, and yet Thor had it worse…he had thought Thor would never understand true pain and suffering.  The Golden Prince of Asgard, the arrogant, cocky future king who was quick to laugh and smile.

A grieving, Jotun father whose son died in his arms of a sickness that would likely have been easily cured on Asgard…but Thor had been trapped in a dark, starved wasteland…where Loki had cast Thor himself…