First Love
“There has to be an easier way to do this.” Loki argued, shoving another useless file into the cabinet. “Going through all of those will take us ages, and we’ve been at it for almost four whole days.”
Next to him, Zozo let out a tired, slightly annoyed sigh.
“If you have any better ideas, believe me, I’m willing to listen. Sitting in this file section for hours literally melts my braincells, but we gotta keep it on the low, to make sure Renslayer and that creepy clock don’t notice us.”
For the last four days, Zozo and Loki have been working non-stop, operating on a strict time schedule dictated by Zozo’s phone. Time flies differently in the TVA, but the clever girl immediately realized that the timer on her phone operates on her timeline and location from before entering the TVA, therefore it can successfully be used to track the exact amount of time spent on certain activities, and allow her to make a routine adjacent to what it would be in her timeline. This basically meant that she set alarms to go off every hour, and everything she and Loki did was on a strict schedule, including working, eating, and bathroom breaks. At night, they would sleep in one of Zozo’s old homes, or those that belonged to her relatives, and they would go back to the TVA just after breakfast.
Working consisted of sitting in the file section all day and reading as many files as they could, trying to find any inconsistencies to rule out the possibility of that specific timeline actually being Zozo’s home, and it was exactly as tedious as it sounded. Neither the girl nor the god were very happy about this, but after several almost run-ins with Miss Minutes and lack of better ideas, they agreed that this was probably the best course of action.
The few good things that Loki found about this situation were neatly organized in a list on the back of a paper he accidentally tore off one file and kept in his pocket, and contained points such as the TVA having free lunches one can just take if they wear a uniform, and occasionally seeing Mobius, which brought him joy.
There was also the biggest factor, which was getting to know Zozo better, through the context of her home. So far, he learned quite a few things, including where she went to school, her relationship with her family, and some other information that probably wasn’t worth much. Unsurprisingly, what piqued his interest most was her love life, which Zozo was very adamant on keeping secret.
“Hey, stop that!” She scolded him, when Loki reached for a paper describing an event titled “first love fallout”. “None of that, mister. Having this in here is humiliating enough, I don’t need you looking at it to make fun of me later.”
“Oh come on,” Loki argued, “You’ve told me about much more embarrassing things than a childhood breakup. Just let me have this treat-”
Before he could read anything, Zozo snatched the document from him, her eyes wide and cheeks red, as if the possibility of him reading that thing utterly terrified her.
“Absolutely not.” She answered, and stuffed the paper back into its original file. Loki was going to argue, but realized it was pointless, as the lunch alarm had rang and unless he wanted to deal with a grumpy human teen throwing mashed potatoes in the general direction of his head, he would do well to shut up.
Unfortunately for the both of them, Loki wasn’t the best at listening to his own advice.
“Why won’t you just let me read it?” He asked, sulking over the plate of carbonara pasta Zozo had chosen for him. “I promise I won’t laugh at you for it.”
By the look on Zozo’s face, she did not seem convinced to the slightest.
“Look, I’ll let you read it, if you tell me who that Sylvie person is.” She suggested, knowing well that Sylvie was a sensitive topic. As expected, the god tensed up the second he heard her name.
“Sylvie? Why do you need to know about Sylvie?”
Zozo’s annoyed face turned into a playful grin, clearly due to the fact that she believed she had won.
“Why do you need to know about my first love? None of those things are important. I’ll gladly never speak of Sylvie again if you leave my first love alone.”
Loki had absolutely no intention of leaving that matter alone, but he faked resignation and slumped down on his chair, eating the rest of his pasta in silence. Clearly, that was the correct choice, as Zozo’s mood improved gradually, and soon enough, her usual attitude returned with a change of topic.
“So I’ve been thinking.” she started.
“Surprisingly.” Loki added.
“Shut up. I’ve been thinking we’re approaching this completely wrong.” She gestured at the file section behind them, “We’ve only been checking the thick files, and reading up to 2021 because we assumed they tracked down the moment where I picked up that tempad, right?”
“Yes.”
“Well, what if they didn’t write it down? What if they just stopped writing it when I picked up the tempad?”
That didn’t sound right. And the mad smile on her face, combined with her overall lack of enthusiasm before, really didn’t make it seem as if this was something more than a desperate attempt at using a shortcut due to exhaustion and overworking. Loki could tell that this whole situation was all incredibly stressful for her, but to that extent?
“Darling, I’m not sure if that’s how it works.” He tried to calm her, but the girl seemed so convinced of that theory that it was as if her ears were clogged.
“No, listen, it could work, we just gotta test it and go to the last place they documented, which I’m sure will be my room!” Zozo argued, then abruptly stood up and held out her hand. “Here, I’ll show you! Just please, come test this out with me!”
It wasn’t as if Loki had any choice in the matter, so he followed. Between his stress and Zozo’s nervousness, the only being capable of enjoying this charade was Charlie, who was very content after stealing the remnants of others’ lunches from their plates when they were not looking, and now wagged his tail with pride.
“This is a terrible idea.” He muttered, as they made their way back to the files they’ve just left, seemingly moments ago. “If this doesn’t work, we’re taking a damn break and going to Asgard to relax, and afterwards, you’ll leave the generating of ideas to me.”
“Fine.” Zozo agreed, her delusions apparently taking over her rational thinking, “Whatever it takes, just please, come and do this, I really don’t wanna go through it alone.”
“If I do this, you’ll let me read the document about your first love?”
Zozo hesitated for a moment, then sighed.
“Fine, alright. You can read the damn first love document. ”
As if to prove the truthfulness of her words, she took out a nearby document that she and Loki had already marked as read with the help of a green sharpie, took out the page from 2018 about her first love, folded it into a square and put it in the pocket of Loki’s shirt. He didn’t have much time to rejoice about victory, though, as Zozo quickly took out a rather thin-looking file from the shelf on the very bottom, and without even as much as skimming through its contents, turned to the last page, where all the important coordinates were written down.
“Ah-ha!” She yelled, pointing at the very last one at the bottom of the page. “These are the coordinates for the city I live in! I knew I was right!”
It wasn’t right. Every cell in Loki’s body screamed that it wasn’t, that this was too easy and too nice to be true, and he felt his stomach turn as he watched the girl type the coordinates into the tempad. Still, he said nothing, as he really did want to satisfy his curiosity and read the paper that was now sticking out of his pocket ever-so-slightly. Even so, he felt that this was a mistake.
Loki didn’t quite know what to expect for when he would have to eventually step through the portal, but it definitely wasn’t what he stumbled upon. They were in the middle of a train station. Not a crowded one, but a train station nevertheless.
And it stank.
The look of disappointment on Zozo’s face, mixed in with confusion, was almost worth it, though.
“I don’t understand…” she whispered, looking around with wide eyes as if her environment would magically change or give her answers. It didn’t.
“It appears we are in a train station.” Loki said, reading the information collected on the tempad. “In early July of 2018. Unless this is where you picked the tempad up, I suggest we take our leave.”
“No…” Zozo protested, staring at the dirty grey walls and the smelly, tired people around her with recognition. “No, I remember this day. I remember this place. But it was three years ago, why is it… this doesn’t make any sense.”
Now Loki was beginning to grow impatient.
“This is what happens when you don’t check where you’re going. Now admit your defeat, and allow me to-” he paused. Just a few meters from him, blending into the crowd perfectly, stood a young girl with short brown hair, a pink tank top, and the saddest eyes Loki had ever seen. She wasn’t paying attention to him at all, too busy looking at the girl standing next to her, as if she was the most precious thing in the universe. The scar from the blood pact seemed to sting him, as Loki realized that the girl in the tank top was a slightly younger variant of Zozo. Could the girl next to her be the first love she was so adamant on keeping secret?
“Hey,” he elbowed his companion in the arm playfully to get her attention. “Who is that freckled girl? Is that the one who first stole your heart?”
“What freckled girl?” Zozo asked, turning around so aggressively that Charlie almost lost balance. Then, her eyes widened, and a mixture of different emotions became visible in them. Fear, heartbreak, longing, hurt. She whispered something inaudible, which Loki assumed was the girl’s name, and just… stood there. Very tensed up, and clearly very scared. As if she’s seen a ghost.
The younger variant of Zozo didn’t seem to share her fear, as when the girl next to her opened her arms, she basically flung herself at her, embracing her quickly yet gently, almost as if that girl was made of razors. And yet when the embrace ended, and the girl’s hand left Zozo’s, she looked downright miserable. Loki watched as the girl walked onto the train, not looking back, leaving the variant of Zozo alone and longing. At least that was what Loki assumed was in those sunken, red eyes, that continued staring at the entrance to the train deep in thought.
Apparently, his Zozo was also captured in that trance, as soon enough her hand slipped from his, and with Charlie clutched tightly in her arms, she too started making her way into the train.
Obviously, Loki couldn’t allow this to happen.
“What are you doing?” He hissed, after yanking her back by her jacket. “We are not to separate, remember?” Seeing her overall lack of reaction, eyes still focused on the train, her face white as a sheet of paper, he shook her slightly. “Tell me at once what is going on.”
“I… I can’t, I… she’s… we need to go… please.” It was like trying to talk to a toddler. Or a shaken up soldier after battle. Pointless, completely pointless.
With resignation, Loki turned to the variant of her, only to find her gone already. Why was dealing with Midgardian teenagers harder than dealing with a pack of wild horses, Loki would never know. He was just about to heed to his Zozo’s wishes, take the tempad and go back to the TVA, when he caught a glimpse of the pink tank top straying further and further away, in the direction of the escalator. Thank the Norns, he thought to himself, weirdly satisfied with knowing the location of both Zozos and their relative safety. He supposed this weird feeling and need for control had something to do with the cursed blood pact, but it didn’t bother him that much. As long as she was within reach and safe, he didn’t mind this fondness.
“Loki…” his Zozo whimpered, tugging on his sleeve like a scared child.
“Wha-” Loki started, about to lose what remained of his patience, and froze.
The variant of her wasn’t on the escalator. The dead-eyed young girl was standing by the edge of the tracks opposite to the ones the train was peacefully waiting on, where another train was about to come, at full speed. Her shoes and phone were discarded carelessly on the ground.
Now it made sense. The hurt in her eyes, the resignation, even now, he could see the slightest, saddest smile on the variant’s face, and he knew exactly what she was planning.
“No! Stop!” He yelled at the young girl, trying to squeeze through the crowd in her direction, despite knowing that there was nothing he could do to save her at this point. The variant turned around, and their eyes met for the first time. He couldn’t hear her, but he could swear that he saw her lips moving, in a quiet apology, though her eyes showed no remorse for what she was about to do. Only hurting, and peace.
The only thing he managed to do before the train came and the unimaginable happened, was to cover his Zozo’s eyes by slamming her face into his chest, effectively shielding her from witnessing what took place. Loki had never witnessed something like that before, especially not with someone who he cared about, and felt bile rise to his throat the more he stood there, taking in what he just saw. This wasn’t supposed to happen. It couldn’t have.
He needed to escape, but not to the TVA. They needed a place to calm down, both of them, before they could return. Without thinking, Loki took Charlie from Zozo’s arms, and guided them into the other train, the one still idly standing on its track, as if it hadn’t just bared witness to this nightmarish scene. There, with shaking hands, he took out the document that Zozo had out in his pocket just a few minutes earlier.
Immediately, he was hit with a wave of understanding. He didn’t need to do anything more than skim the page to understand both the motivations of that variant, and the reason why his Zozo didn’t want to share it with him.
Where he expected a funny story about a childhood break up to later tease her about, he found the phrases “physical violence”, “abuse” and “coercion”. This wasn’t what he expected at all, and he cursed himself for not sneakily looking at it earlier to fully understand the story. Maybe if he had, and he would have stopped pestering her about the topic, his Zozo wouldn’t get so frustrated to the point of trying out some ridiculous theory.
And then he noticed that his Zozo was looking in the other direction, at the freckled girl who was sitting in the chair on her phone, completely unbothered by what happened outside of the train. Now he understood the look in her eyes, the longing, the fear, the fascination, why her breath was heavy and why, even though she wanted nothing more than to escape, she felt stuck, her attention glued to the person she used to love so deeply, who she saw again for the first time in three years. Reliving the day of her biggest heartbreak.
The scar on his hand throbbed, and Loki saw red. He let go of his Zozo and Charlie, and made his way to the freckled girl, his thoughts racing too fast to reach for his magic.
“Can I help you?” She asked, when she saw Loki staring daggers in her direction.
Without thinking, he punched her in the nose.
He didn’t care about the people around him gasping, as he watched her recoil in shock. He didn’t even hit her hard, and yet, the possessive, violent part of him, practically sang as he watched blood trickle down the girl’s nose. The person who hurt his friend. The person who made her feel small and unlovable, and drove her into such desperation. Loki didn’t usually enjoy hurting people, but this, this he enjoyed. So he did it again. And again. And again, putting all his frustration and sadness and shock into his punches as gave the person in front of him a taste of her own medicine.
“Loki, stop!” He heard Zozo call out behind him, but he simply couldn’t. Not until he felt her hug his back, effectively pulling him away. “Please stop. She’s still a kid.”
“You were also a kid.” Loki huffed out, “You were even younger than her. And she… you know what she did to that variant of you. What she drove her to do.”
“Loki, listen to me.” Zozo pleaded, “She doesn’t deserve this.”
The freckled girl raised her head, and looked towards them, her eyes still as empty as they were before. Like endless voids of nothing.
“Thanks.” She coughed in Zozo’s direction.
That’s when Loki saw it. The spark of defiance despite the fear, and the anger, culminating in Zozo’s face all of a sudden. For the first time since they arrived, it seemed as if the spell that girl had put on her was broken.
“No.” She answered bitterly, turning her attention to Loki. “She doesn’t deserve your attention. Let her rot in the guilt that will consume her. That’s what she deserves.”
And with that, she calmly opened the tempad, and guided Loki and Charlie back into the TVA.
Only then did she start shaking, letting her emotions get the better of her, and opened her arms and heart for Loki’s comfort and words of affirmation, melting into his gentle touch as he stroked her hair, reveling in the smell of it and how alive she was. As they stayed like that, holding onto each other tightly in the corner of the TVA file section, Loki made sure to whisper a vow to decapitate the next person who mistreated her, and took her love for granted.