Easy's Never been this hard
From its beginnings as New Amsterdam, all through the years and to its modern day, it was filled with people on the streets desperate to complete their errands of the day. It was certainly called 'the city that never sleeps' for a reason. It had a heart and it had a rhythm, and it was only for just that one day that Tony wished more than anything the city would somehow shut down.
For once it was clear in the skies, not a single gray cloud or speck in sight. At least that made it seem less foreboding.
Tony and Pepper stood in their room, both in black attire. The latter was fixing the former's tie, her eyes focused on the pendant and key that rested on Tony's chest. Once she was finished with the tie, she paused to take in Tony's expression.
It was distant and cold. Sad.
He was still mourning but, much to everybody's relief, he was starting to finally come to terms with your death in the week that had passed since the destruction of his lab. Pepper made sure to prioritize his injury above all else and kept him on a strict rest and wellbeing regime with the help of Bruce and Dr. Cho.
-
It was a few nights before the funeral and Pepper couldn't sleep.
She lay awake in the bed she shared with Tony and busied herself with sorting through digital files and paperwork on the laptop. It was tedious to do at that hour of the night but it was a welcome distraction from the harsh reality of things.
It had been an hour before Tony began to stir next to her. His eyes were shut tight but his other features showed clear panic and fear.
"I'm sorry." He mumbled to himself.
Another nightmare.
"Tony." Pepper whispered, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Tony, wake up."
He responded, but not to her. He continued to mumble things about you, how he wanted to do more and how he should have been faster or quicker and how you lost your entire future because of him.
Pepper placed her laptop on the bedside table and tried to wake him again by using gentle but firm shakes and a slightly raised voice to try and get through.
After some time, it finally worked, and Tony startled awake with labored and shaken breaths.
"Hey." Pepper said softly, making sure he could see her face before he started to panic about his surroundings. "It's okay. You're home."
Tony didn't reply initially and only managed a breathless nod. By the time he finally found his voice again he had processed the surroundings properly.
"I'm sorry." He told Pepper. "Bad dream."
"I know."
"I don't get why I can't stop it."
"It's subconscious. No one can."
"Does it bother you?"
"Never." She smiled lovingly. "We'll get through it just like last time. Together."
-
Back in the present, Tony had his head hung low and a pained expression clouding his face as his thoughts focused on you.
Even if he was learning to accept the truth now, it didn't hurt any less. There was still the pain and the agony and the grief, and there was still the guilt. It didn't seem to matter how many people told him he wasn't to blame for what happened, it just didn't seem to make a difference.
Pepper gently held his cheek in her hand, her own look grief-stricken. Tony leaned into her touch, closing his eyes for a moment.
No words could be said because no words would suffice to ease the pain both were suffering from.
Pepper lifted her other hand and held his other cheek, wiping away a stray tear with her thumb. Tony swayed a little on his feet but kept steady in the end, placing his hands over hers.
They simply stood in each other's company until a knock on the door filled the silence of the room.
Bruce walked in, also donned in black, with a somber look of empathy.
"Hi." He said in a timid tone, worried about having interrupted a moment.
"Hi, Bruce." Pepper said, doing her best to smile.
"Sorry. Are you, uh... Are you ready? Happy's waiting by the car."
She nodded. "We'll be down in a moment."
"Okay. I'll see you down there."
He promptly left, leaving the room in silence again. At least until Pepper spoke again.
"Ready?" She asked quietly.
Tony let out a shaky sigh. "Do I get the choice?"
It remained unanswered as she began leading him to the door with a sorrowful look. Once they reached the tower parking lot, they found Happy and Bruce by the car.
Happy's expression hadn't changed since the day you died. He was consistently shadowed by a disconsolate feeling.
"You okay, buddy?" Tony asked in a voice so quiet he might not have said anything at all.
Happy managed a nod. "Yeah."
"Sure?"
He nodded a second time. "I'm ready."
-
Just the day before Happy had intended to resign.
He couldn't seem to get over the idea that he was accountable for all that had gone wrong and he had decided that it would be best for everyone if he took a very long and very permanent vacation from the security detail.
"She asked me for secrecy and I said yes because I thought I was helping her." He tried to explain to Tony and Pepper. "What I thought was protection was anything but that. I'm taking responsibility for my actions and hoping for some form of forgiveness before I leave."
There was a dreadful silence.
"What is this?" Tony asked, still staring at the papers.
"My contrition." Happy told him.
Another silence.
Tony looked up from the papers with an expression that surprised Happy. It wasn't relief or agreement like he expected, it was confusion and incredulous.
"I don't get it." Tony said.
Happy glanced at Pepper who shared the confused look. "I'm resigning and accepting accountability."
"Yeah, that's what I don't get."
This time it was Happy who looked bewildered. In his view, he had as good as killed you by not revealing that he had seen and talked to you. He knew who you lived as and he didn't tell anyone, endangering you because no one else could protect you when that horrific day came.
He was startled out of his thoughts when Tony ripped the resignation in half and brought him into a tight embrace.
Happy faltered and took a moment to process before cautiously returning the hug.
"You're my brother." Tony said. "You cared about her and that's all I need to know. That's all I care about. I don't blame you."
Happy closed his eyes. "Why?"
"Because I just can't. She wouldn't."
"Tony..."
"No resigning. I know she loved you, Happy, and I don't want you to go."
-
"Steve, Clint, Natasha, and Thor will meet us at the location." Pepper explained as they drove to the mentioned location. "There's going to be journalists and paparazzi but they have restricted access so we don't have to worry about them."
"Where is it?" Tony asked.
He hadn't been as involved in the planning due to his grieving. Pepper had organized pretty much everything.
"Calvary Cemetery." She said.
He looked out the window as he watched the streets fly by. "Why there?"
"Agent Hill suggested it. She said (Y/n) had people in two different places in the same city and that she always wanted the best of both worlds. And that she had special connections in the area and wouldn't want to be separated from them."
Bruce spoke next, his tone curious due to the wording. "What does that mean?"
Tony shared this confusion and Pepper shrugged. "I guess we'll find out soon enough."
Happy didn't say anything but listened to the conversation as he drove to the cemetery. He was surprised by the lack of stormy weather, especially with how miserable the city had looked recently.
-
The reason for the nice weather was Thor himself.
He had returned from Asgard the day before the funeral after taking care of some business in his home realm. It was hard keeping the peace and very exhausting and yet he still had the brightest smile on his face as he greeted his friends on Midgard.
Unfortunately he came back to the news that Tony had lost a daughter. He quickly went to the Tower to find him and was directed by Bruce. The two might not get along but Thor understood how it felt to lose family and he knew that no one deserved the pain if wrought.
"Point Break." Tony greeted, his tone jolted. "Didn't expect you back so soon."
"Matters between Asgard and Alfheim were settled with fair ease." Thor explained. "Although light elves have quite the temper. You wouldn't expect it."
He nodded. "Right. Well, uh, welcome back."
Even if he tried to look the same, Thor noticed the hurt in his teammate's eyes. He had the same look when he had lost his mother not too long before all of this.
"I heard of your daughter." He said empathetically. "I understand the loss of a loved one, and I am truly sorry, Stark. I would be honored to attend the farewells."
"Sure." Tony hesitated. "And thanks."
He paused again.
"How did you know?" He questioned.
Thor had a sad look still. "My Lady Jane informed me about the news. I believe she, Lady Darcy, and Erik Selvig will be paying their respects also."
"Did they know her?"
"Only in passing, as I did." He thought back to that day, curious. "Her familiarity in the picture we found puzzled me for quite some time until now."
Tony was simply amazed by how many people you seemed to know or at least spoke to. Just how many others were out there? How many people would show up tomorrow?
"When did you meet her?" He questioned.
"Some years ago." Thor replied. "I was banished from Asgard for my own arrogance and found myself stranded in your land of New Mexico. I became acquainted with Jane and her friends whilst there and shortly after that the Son of Coul and Lady (Y/n) arrived. She told me Mjölnir destroyed one of her devices."
"I forgot I wasn't the only one." Bruce chimed in, reminding them that he was also in the room. "I met her a few years ago too, and she said she enjoyed my papers on gamma radiation. She was smart."
Tony looked between them both, his stunned look growing more and more ridiculous by the second.
"And you didn't say anything?" He asked.
"I didn't know she was (Y/n)." Bruce admitted. "It never came up before."
Tony looked away, thinking on the words. He was finally getting to know you and yet at the same time he found it worse because he couldn't actually talk to you about any of it.
You invented something that had a run-in with Thor's hammer. You liked to read papers on scientific exploits.
"Can I ask a favor?" He said towards Thor.
The god stood straight and nodded. "Of course."
"Tomorrow is the funeral." It hurt just to say it. "Just... Can we have weather that isn't trying to drown the city? I'm not asking for sunshine and rainbows, just a clear day."
Thor nodded again. "It would be my pleasure."
-
Back in the car, Tony hadn't said a word for a good ten minutes.
He prefered the silence. He was content with just staring at the sky and holding Pepper's hand as the world rolled past.
But the car soon stopped at a red light.
He looked at the blazing red for a long moment before focusing elsewhere. He caught sight of a parent and child. A dad and his daughter.
The little girl clutched her father's hand as she jumped into old puddles. She had the most brilliant gleaming smile and the dad watched her fondly, laughing whenever she made a big splash on the sidewalk.
Tony wanted it.
He wanted all those moments he skipped out on. He wanted the birthday parties and the first day of school, he wanted to be there when you had your first heartbreak so he could hurt whoever made you sad. He just wanted to be your dad again.
He tightened his hold on Pepper's hand as his other one reached up to hold the key and the pendant. They were all he had left of you now.
When the car finally pulled up to Calvary Church Cemetery, he wasn't at all prepared for what he saw.
The building was magnificent, a testament to the higher power so many people seemed to dedicate themselves to. It had a golden inscription above the double doors talking about resurrection and life with images of Jesus and his followers carved into the old stone. Beyond the grand architecture was the cemetery itself, lines upon lines of graves and memorials dotting the grass.
As Happy complained about parking, Tony found his eyes drawn to the many strangers that littered the front of the cathedral. He didn't recognize them. Not all of them anyway.
He could spot the rest of the Avengers, Dr. Cho, Thor's girlfriend and her own friends, Rhodey and his mother, and Maria Hill. The ones he didn't know were a vast majority of former SHIELD agents, Coulson and Fury in disguise, Skye, Fitz-Simmons, Agent May, the Parkers, Matt Murdock and Foggy Nelson, Mr. Delmar and his family, residents of your apartment complex, Ned and his moms, MJ and her mom, some officers who knew you through Ben, the press, and quite a few civilians who must have just been there to pay respects.
Tony, unaware of everyone else's identity, had to gather his courage before daring to step out of the car. Immediately the paparazzi cameras were on him like flies, flashes blinding everyone.
There was a time that he would have relished in all the attention, but those days were now long gone. He couldn't stand it anymore.
"I'll meet you inside." Happy told them. "I've got to do security checks."
Pepper nodded in understanding and thanked him. She then took a pin badge from her bag.
It was pretty, sky-blue with the most beautiful flower imprinted on it. It was a gladiolus flower, representing honor, remembrance, and heroism. It was your favorite.
"This will get you inside." She explained, pinning it to his suit.
"Thanks." He replied, giving them each a farewell before he left to speak to some of the officers on duty.
The first people to greet Tony, Pepper, and Bruce were the other Avengers. Steve had an arm brace since his injuries from the Triskelion were still quite fresh even with all the super soldier healing. The others looked very somber.
"Hey, Tony." Steve greeted first. "I'm sorry about (Y/n)."
Tony managed a small nod. "You and the rest of the world. How's the arm?"
"Healing. I'll manage."
"Good. Can't have Mr. Dorito out of commission for too long."
Although the jokes normally annoyed Steve, he kept up a smile for Tony's sake. The six of them - and Pepper - talked for a bit about how the proceedings would go until Tony spotted Roberta Rhodes. Rhodey's mother. He excused himself to talk to her.
He hadn't seen her in many years. Since Afghanistan. He did send gifts and cards for Christmas, birthdays, and mother's day since she did the same and never forgot a single holiday. She always tried her best to advise him on your upbringing but he was so arrogant that he never listened.
The second she spotted him she engulfed him in a tight hug and kissed the top of his head lovingly.
"Oh, Tony..." She mumbled, giving him a gentle squeeze. "I'm so sorry, my dear."
He just nodded, forgetting how comforting a mother's embrace could be. He didn't want to let go and probably would have had another breakdown of grief if he wasn't already cried out.
"I'm sorry." He then mumbled, still holding onto her.
"Hey..." Her voice was so gentle and calming. "Whatever for?"
"I didn't listen. You told me what to do and I didn't listen. I wasn't good enough."
"Oh, darling-" She pulled back slightly so she could look him in the eyes. "I won't tolerate that, Tony. You did the best you could even if you didn't know it."
"She hated me, just like... Just like I hated my old man."
"You are not Howard."
"I didn't want to be, but I was. I didn't talk to her, I wasn't there, I never listened. I tried to change but it was too late. She was already gone."
"You still tried." She assured him.
Tony looked away. "You're not disappointed?"
"Never. I didn't like it when my son told me how you raised (Y/n) but I was never disappointed in you. Even when I looked after her and she complained, I always told her to wait and give you time. She understood in the end, just as I did."
He went quiet again, just listening as she went on.
"You're a different man, Tony. A good man. You're a hero to millions, you have a relationship with a beautiful and kind woman, you have friends who are there for you in the darkest time. You are enough. There's no point in trying to change something that doesn't need to be fixed. You did everything you could to find her. You're not Howard. You've always been more like Maria whether you knew it or not."
The Avengers, who had been joined by Rhodey and Agent Hill, questioned who she was as they watched her comfort their friend.
"This is Roberta Rhodes." Rhodey explained. "My mom. She looked after us, and she checked in on (Y/n) for years. Makes a mean cookie, too."
They each smiled at that.
"So who are all these people?" Pepper then asked Hill.
Hill looked around at the crowd, recognizing far more than Tony did before.
"People she knew." She said. "Some are friends, family, some just an acquaintance in the hall, some of them she helped or saved, but they all knew her."
Tony finally let go of Rhodey's mom to look at the crowd again. He had mixed feelings on it all and wasn't sure what he was supposed to express.
"You should be proud." She told him, answering the unspoken question. "I would be. (Y/n) met a lot of people and saved so many more."
He nodded. "I am. She was the real hero.”