Coping Mechanisms
The recovery room was haunting.
The ambience was uncomfortable, the lights on and yet too dark, the flatline of the machine shattering the silence. But it wasn't the only thing.
The room was filled with Tony's sobs as he cradled your lifeless body. It was the worst anyone had ever seen him, pleading for you to wake up. It wasn't fair that he had so much time with you during your childhood and yet he barely knew anything. He didn't even know your favorite color or your favorite foods, he didn't know a single thing.
People say that losing someone you love when you know everything about them is the worst thing, but really it was losing someone when you knew nothing. It filled a person with regret and guilt and left them wishing they could do anything to bring someone back.
Tony would've traded his life in a second to swap places. He'd accept his redeemer even if it meant he'd only see your face for one more second. It wasn't fair.
"Please, babygirl." He whispered, rocking back and forth. "Come on, you don't deserve this. Wake up."
Dr. Cho and the others had come in by that time, their faces racked with sorrow and sadness at the scene before them.
"You're strong. You're strong, (Y/n), you're gonna make it."
Pepper was at Tony's side in an instant, her cheeks wet with tears as she hugged him from the side, trying to offer what comfort she could.
"No." His voice was breaking as he cried harder. "No. No, come on. Come back, sweetheart."
Rhodey joined them also, his eyes shut tight so he wouldn't have to see your body.
"S-She's gone." Tony mumbled, trembling.
"I know." Pepper said, kissing the top of his head. "I know..."
He looked up at her, utterly heartbroken. "What do I do? I-I don't know what to do."
Dr. Cho came forward, her movements hesitant. "Let me take her. I'll look after her."
It took him a while to process what she was saying but with reassurance from Pepper he very reluctantly laid your body back on the bed. Dr. Cho offered a gentle and sad smile as she carefully reached for the blanket, pulling it over your face and hiding the body from view.
Even that simple action was too much for him and he turned back to Pepper and Rhodey, crying in their arms once again. Happy watched with a vexing emotion of moral culpability hanging over him as Bruce bowed his head in respect.
Clint had been watching everything from behind the room's window and turned away after finding himself saddened. Whether it was seeing his friends hurting, the loss of you, or just the general aura of the moment getting to him, he couldn't wait there much longer.
He walked to the end of the corridor and thought for a moment before taking out his phone. He sent a quick message to Fury about what had happened before going to his other contacts until he found a familiar name.
He pressed the call button and waited for a moment until the line picked up.
"Hey, babe." Laura's sweet voice answered.
Clint relaxed significantly after hearing her voice. "Hey."
"What's up? Everything okay?"
There was a slight crack in his voice as he replied. "Yeah, I'm good. How are you? How are the kids?"
"They're doing great, they miss you, though."
"I know. I'll try to visit again soon. Work's just... Busy."
There was a pause and he could practically see her frowning on the other side of the phone.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
Clint looked down at his feet and wasn't really sure about how to answer. It was strange how you hadn't spent much time together and yet he felt like he'd known you for ages.
"We lost someone today." He admitted. "She was special to a friend of mine. Meant a lot to him."
"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry." Laura said with genuine remorse. "Did you know her well?"
"A little. She was exactly like him so it was easy to just talk, you know?"
"Yeah. When did it happen?"
"Today, it... It was expected, but... But still sudden."
Just then he heard the sounds of his kids. It sounded like they were arguing over something because he heard Lila claiming that something Cooper took was hers.
"Hey, can I talk to the kids?" He asked softly. "It'll be nice to hear them."
"Of course." Laura said. "Hold on."
She called for Lila and Cooper and after a brief rustling sound, he heard their voices.
"Dad, are you there?"
"Daddy!"
Already Clint was smiling again. "Hey, trouble."
"We miss you." Lila said. "When are you coming home?"
"Soon, I promise. It's just been a rough couple of days."
"Can we make it better?"
"I'm sure you can, kiddo. Tell me what's been going on."
"You'll never guess what happened at school." Cooper said. "It started when that quiet kid at the back of French finally snapped."
Clint chuckled. "Go on. What happened?"
-
Two days had passed since the big fiasco in New York and DC.
Sam Wilson was sitting in Steve's hospital room, still waiting for him to wake up. He was making a good recovery thanks to the whole super soldier thing but it didn't make the days any easier.
Sam was dozing off now as the Trouble Man soundtrack played from his phone. He was exhausted and hadn't really eaten much due to the anxiety of everything.
"On your left."
He woke with a light startle, turning his head to see that Steve was finally awake.
"Sleeping Beauty rises." He teased, relieved.
Steve managed a laugh and they shared a smile.
"What happened?" He asked.
Sam shrugged lightly. "A lot."
"Got any specifics?"
"Well, you've been out two days. It's mostly just the cleanups."
The final events started coming back to Steve in flashes.
"Where's Bucky?" He asked eagerly.
Sam looked away for a moment. "He disappeared. When we found you at the Potomac there was no sign of him. He saved your life, though."
Steve nodded but he was also disappointed. To be so close to his best friend after all these years only to have him taken away was worse than any of the injuries he was currently suffering from. He was hopeful, on the other hand, because Bucky had saved his life. It meant that even though he was a slave to HYDRA, he held some semblance of the past.
"What happened to SHIELD?" He then asked. "Fury? Nat?"
"They're okay. They're hiding." Sam reassured him. "As for SHIELD? It's messy. We lost a lot of good people. Too many of them. The Triskelion is a bunch of rubble and they're still searching."
"The Triskelion." He remembered what happened after he revealed the truth. "What... What happened to Ellen? (Y/n)? Did she get the scepter out?"
"That's an even longer story." Sam joked.
Steve shrugged. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Good point." He thought about how best to describe the events before continuing to explain. "I talked to her before the building collapsed, she said she was going to find Stark, and disappeared in this fancy ass car."
He trailed off and Steve noticed that he looked conflicted. "Did she do it?"
"Sort of. She got to New York, saw Stark again, but there was some kind of shooting. They haven't released much, but (Y/n) didn't make it. It was fatal. She died the same day. The scepter is missing as far as I know."
Steve didn't say anything, trying to understand in silence. He had no idea what those who knew the real you were feeling but he did know it was in no way easy to deal with these things.
"How's Tony handling it?" He asked quietly.
Sam shook his head. "It's not good."
-
Another two days passed.
Natasha had volunteered herself to explain the course of events that had unfolded at the Triskelion. She was doing so in front of the senate committee, their judging selves and poisoned views desperate to find a way to incriminate anyone but themselves.
"Why haven't we yet heard from Captain Rogers?" One of the committee asked.
Natasha, her arms crossed, shrugged lightly. "I don't know what there is left for him to say. I think the wreck in the middle of the Potomac made his point fairly eloquently."
"Well, he could explain how this country is expected to maintain its national security now that he and you have laid waste to our intelligence apparatus."
"HYDRA was selling you lies, not intelligence."
"Many of which you seemed to have had a personal hand in telling. And there are other concerns."
"Such as?"
"The fiasco that occurred in New York City mere hours after the Triskelion fell. The shooting involving the Stark and stark industries."
Her jaw clenched. "I fail to see what concern that is of yours."
"The damage was exponential, Agent Romanoff. We want to know if Tony Stark, your fellow Avenger, will be paying for it since it occurred at his tower. Furthermore, we haven't heard from him either."
"Mr. Stark is not available at this moment because he's mourning the loss of his daughter."
"I still don't-"
"He needs time." She told them defiantly. "Do you have children?"
The committee member who had done all the speaking so far finally shut up, sharing a glance with the rest of the men.
Eventually, he spoke up again. "I have a son, yes."
Natasha nodded. "Now imagine if you lost your son. Don't you think you would want some time to grieve before being forced to explain every little detail to the press despite it being no concern of theirs?"
Another member of the committee leaned forward. "Agent, you should know that there are some on this committee who feel, given your service record, both for this country and against it, that you belong in a penitentiary. Not mouthing off on Capitol Hill."
She remained emotionless as she replied.
"You're not going to put me in a prison." She stated. "You're not going to put any of us in a prison. You know why?"
"Do enlighten us." The first member chimed in again.
"Because you need us. Yes, the world is a vulnerable place, and yes, we help make it that way. But we're also the ones best qualified to defend it. So, if you want to arrest me, arrest me. You'll know where to find me."
After basically telling the government to kiss her ass, Natasha rose from her seat and left the room. The overlapping questions and camera flashes from the reporters followed her all the way to the exit.
Although she wasn't exactly Tony's best friend, she couldn't help but hope he was okay.
-
That same day, back in New York, Tony was still in the recovery room you had died in.
He hadn't moved, barely ate or drank, and hadn't been able to say a word since they took you away. His eyes were red from the tears he had spared for your loss and it was only with the help of a minor sedative that he managed to get any sleep at all.
Pepper had stayed with him every day and every night, coaxing him into eating and drinking so he wouldn't waste away into nothing. She was trying to let herself mourn you quietly so she could be there for Tony instead. She couldn't even begin to imagine the pain he was feeling.
Tony himself was pretty much still passed out from the effects of the sedative. He needed it after an outburst when the funeral director arrived.
-
The funeral director organizing your last rites was a close friend of Stark Industries.
That same day they had taken your body to clean you up and keep your body in a visibly comforting state while the funeral preparations were to be made.
Tony wasn't himself, acting out of character as the angry stage of grief took its toll on his mind.
"What if they hurt her?" He was asking, his head running wild with irrational possibilities. "What if they don't take care of her properly? What if they're the same ones who wanted her dead? What if I never see her again?"
"Tony-" Rhodey interrupted, holding him steady. "Hey, man, they're not gonna hurt her, okay?"
"But we don't know them!"
"Yes, we do. Pepper called them, remember? She knows what she's doing."
"They aren't the bad guys." Happy said. "They're just going to clean her up, alright? They're here to keep her safe while we... While we make arrangements."
"No!" Tony continued to argue, ready to march over and take you back.
Pepper stepped in front of him and took his hands in her own before he could do something he regretted.
"Tony, look at me." She begged. "Please, come on."
He stared at the small group wheeling your covered body away and closed his eyes tightly when he couldn't bear it any more.
"You're angry, I know." Pepper said softly. "But you haven't slept in days. And you're still injured. You need a break. She's gone and we need to-"
"She's not gone!" He snapped, vision slowly getting more blurry as tears built up yet again. "She's... She's not. Okay? She's just... She's okay! But we can't let them hurt her! What if I never see her again, Pep?! What if they-"
While he went on another tangent about all the negative possibilities, Rhodey looked over his shoulder and reluctantly nodded to Dr. Cho. Tony didn't know what was happening until he felt a slight prick at his neck.
Dr. Cho pulled back the needle, apologizing quietly as Tony stumbled backwards and felt a drowsiness overtake him. Happy, Rhodey, and Bruce worked together to keep him upright as he almost collapsed again.
Pepper looked at Dr. Cho, confused and surprised. "What's that?"
"Lorazepam and some others." Dr. Cho answered, placing the needle in the sink. "It's a healthy dose."
"It's not dangerous." Bruce quickly added, seeing the look of horror on Pepper's features. "It's a benzodiazepine, used most frequently for anxiety, insomnia, and severe agitation."
"It'll take effect over the next few hours, give Tony time to heal."
As Rhodey and Happy half-walked and half-carried Tony to the empty bed, Pepper watched with torn feelings. She knew it was best in the end, but it didn't mean she had to like it.
-
Back in the present, Tony was whimpering your name in his sleep.
Pepper held his hand and rubbed soothing shapes on the back in an attempt to keep him calm. It wasn't much, but it was the best she could do at that time.
"Oh, Tony..." She whispered, kissing the top of his head.
Happy stood in the corner of the room as his regrets kept leaving him in doubt. He was still stuck in the mindset that if he had just told someone the truth about you, he could have somehow prevented all of this and saved your life. Perhaps part of him knew that the outcome was inevitable, but he didn't want to believe it.
Rhodey walked in soon enough with a guilty look on his face. "Hey."
Pepper looked over. "Hi. Is everything okay?"
He nodded, although it seemed to pain him emotionally. "I have to go. They want me in Washington for a conference. I wish I could stay, but-"
"No, it's okay. I understand. Do what you have to."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. We'll be alright."
"Okay." He glanced at Tony for a moment. "I'll be back for the funeral. Just let me know."
Pepper nodded that time. "Of course."
"Keep me updated on him. He's not gonna be the same. He hasn't been like this since his parents' accident."
If Rhodey had the option to stay without receiving severe backlash for it, he would have done so with no hesitation. Unfortunately, his superiors weren't the most lenient kind of people. He wanted to do more.
"It's worse." Pepper admitted, looking back at Tony. "Bruce said the Lorazepam will help keep him calm but I don't know."
-
Tony was dreaming.
While some dream the most brilliant and confusing and random of things, he was stuck in flashbacks, reliving twisted versions of memories he had. One such dream was when he held you for the first time.
Unlike you had been led to believe, Tony's relationship with your mother wasn't just a one night stand of drunken improv. They had known each other for years, and had been friends with benefits the entire time.
Madeline was her name, and she was absolutely gorgeous in Tony's eyes. Her eyes were electric in color and her hair perfectly styled even as she lay in the hospital bed, weak and defeated. He was, however, unaware that his close friend - Obadiah Stane - vehemently opposed the relationship between him and Madeline. In fact, Stane had even gone as far as to threaten to destroy Madeline's life if she didn't give up the baby because it would simply ruin Tony's image.
But Madeline would never. She loved Tony, and she loved her baby even more. As she watched Tony stare at you in awe, she couldn't help smiling too.
She knew she didn't have long left. There was a hemorrhage after the delivery and she had lost too much blood. She didn't know how long, but she knew it wasn't enough to say all she wanted to say.
"She's beautiful." She said.
Tony couldn't look away from you, laughing to himself as you tried to grab his entire hand with your tiny little fist.
"She's perfect." He said.
Madeline struggled to raise her arm enough to brush down some of your hair which was already as messy as your dad's.
"She'll do great things." She said. "She is going to be amazing, especially with a dad as awesome as you."
Tony, who also knew that they didn't have long together, struggled to meet her eyes. "You're the awesome one, Mads."
"No... It's all you." Madeline confessed, looking down. "I want you to raise her right. Keep her safe and love her as much as you love yourself. And give her this."
She struggled to remove a necklace that hung over her chest. When she finally managed it, she placed it in the hand that wasn't holding your head.
"This has been in my family for years. Centuries, even. It's an old thing, but it's as much hers as it is mine. As soon as she's old enough, let her wear it."
"I promise." He said.
Tony was filled with regret and guilt as he watched the scene play out in his mind. He hadn't thought about Madeline in over a decade. In fact, the ever more frequent one night stands were his coping mechanism in getting over her loss. He had never fulfilled the promise he made to her that day and it haunted him now, like a swift vengeance or karma.
-
The next dream/memory he found himself watching all over again was about five years later.
He was discussing a new weapon with Stane when all of a sudden a tiny girl - you - had burst through the doors with a big, stupid grin on your face.
"Daddy!" You exclaimed, clutching a stuffed bear close to your chest. "Can we play?"
Stane looked less than amused and Tony pinched the bridge of his nose, annoyed.
"Happy!" He called.
He waited until his bodyguard ran into the room with a bright red face. He was breathless, scanning the room for a possible threat until suddenly his eyes landed on you. You just smiled innocently and giggled at the state of him.
"Get her out." Tony ordered.
"But Da-" You said with a frown.
"Now, Happy."
"Yes, sir." Happy nodded, scooping you up into his arms. "Come on, rascal."
"Keep her on a leash or something." Tony added. "I'll be out in five."
"I only wanted to play." You mumbled, tearing up in confusion.
"It's okay, kid." Happy said as he carried you into the hallway. "He's a little busy, but your dad can play later."
"Promise?"
"Pinky. And afterwards we can get you ice cream. How does that sound?"
Your eyes lit up again and you nodded feverishly, hugging him. "Yes!"
The modern Tony watched painfully as a few minutes later his younger self came out and started yelling at you for interrupting. He said his meetings were more important than a child's play time. He was wrong. He should've known that every second with you was the most precious of his life.
He should have known that back then he was just doing what his own father did to him. He should have known how it made a child feel, how it hurt them. He also hated how much Stane was involved in your lives. If he had known back then what the bastard would go on to do, he probably would have killed him years early.
-
Another dream.
A few years later.
You were about thirteen or fourteen now, and eagerly going on about your latest collection of A+ scores. Tony back then hadn't been at all interested, far more focused on working away in his lab than listening to you talk about school.
"I'm busy, (Y/n)." He stated, not even bothering to look up. "Tell me later."
Your smile had dropped. "But you always say that."
"And you always fail to listen."
"Because later never comes."
"Life is full of disappointments, kid."
And that was it on the matter.
You looked down at the brilliant test scores and noticed your hand shaking in anger and annoyance. You worked hard to try and give him something to be proud of but it was for nothing. He didn't care.
Present Tony hated himself as he watched the anger in your eyes be replaced with hurt. He was proud, he always had been, but he was too stupid to show it. Would it have killed him to just once say it aloud for you?
-
The next memory was even more painful.
The day he left for Afghanistan.
"Shouldn't you say goodbye to (Y/n)?" Pepper asked.
"Just tell her I'll be back eventually." He had said in response.
That hurt like a punch to the gut. Why didn't he say goodbye?
"Tony, she's your daughter."
"I'm aware."
"Don't you think-"
"Trust me, she knows how to look after herself. She'll survive a day or two alone."
Tony watched his past self leave and slam the door. The only difference to this point of view was that he could see your sixteen-year-old self hiding behind the wall upstairs.
You had heard it all.
-
The next moment threw Tony off completely.
It wasn't his memory, but one of your own. He watched you march into Stark Industries, the perfect embodiment of poise and determination, and threaten your way past security guards. He couldn't help laughing as you waltzed on past them and into one of the offices.
Stane's office.
The smile dropped from his face as he watched the scene unfold. He had no idea you were so worried. He didn't realize that even after years of resentment, you cared enough to try and find out if he was okay even back then. It made it all the more painful as he watched Stane snap and threaten you.
"No!" He yelled.
His voice sounded like nothing but an echo as he ran forward to intervene, only to hit an invisible wall or window that blocked him.
"And who's going to believe you?" Obadiah growled as he pinned you against the wall. "It's the word of Tony's mistake against his best friend. Who do you think the media will flock to?"
"Don't listen to him!" Tony begged, hitting the invisible window with all the strength he could muster. "(Y/n)!"
"You can't do this!" You yelled, oblivious to the shouts.
Obadiah tightened his grip. "If you tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. If you don't do what I say, I'll sell you off. You won't be able to walk out of these doors fast enough to save your life."
"Get your damn hands off of her!" Tony warned, only for his warnings to fall on deaf ears.
"You can't do this." You gasped out when Obadiah finally let you go.
Obadiah looked down at you, not a hint of sympathy in his voice. "You won't tell anyone. You won't go to the police, or Ms. Potts. Or Rhodes. You will shut up and go home or I will find a way to get rid of you."
"No!" Tony repeated, hitting harder. "No, (Y/n)! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
He watched helplessly as you turned tail and ran through the office door in tears. He tried calling your name and then threatening Obadiah again but he was merely a spectator, his words and actions meaningless.
He slid against the invisible barrier until he was on the floor, regretting pretty much every life choice he ever made.