I was always such a good person.
I helped in my community, I never cursed in front of my parents, I went to church every Sunday. I got straight grades in highschool and I always stood up for the little guy.
That all seemed to get away from me once I moved out of my parents place, three states over to a little twn called Brightwall. I started going to a new church, one highly recommended online, five star reviews that said all the staff, the pastors and the volunteers were all amazing. It’s like I couldn’t say no.
The first few weeks were like a dream. The weekly clubs they ran helped homeless people and kids whose parents worked long shifts, there were two charity bake sales and talk of more to come and there were so many people coming in and out of the doors I was surprised they didn’t have to turn people away!
Two months passed and a new pastor enrolled. He was charming, charismatic, seemed to love the church and everything it stood for, but something felt off.
The energy of the church changed and people started to go missing after the evening clubs. The charity fundraisers were no longer held at the church grounds and there were meetings behind closed doors every Saturday.
I wanted to know what was happening, I asked to meet with him, I lied to my Pastor for the first time, and told him I wanted to confess something.
“Ah, Steven. You wanted to see me?”
I was scared. So nervous, he eyes were like spinning dials, like hypnotists.
Deep, dark, brown eyes staring through me to the stained glass windows towering behind me.
“Don’t be nervous Mr. Rogers. We are all accepting here. Did you have something to tell me?”
At this moment I swear I saw a flash of red pass over his eyes.
“I-I did. I wanted to confess, something that has been bothering me for a while.” I lie, feeling my gut curl. “I’ve never told anyone, yet I feel like I can trust you.” Another lie.
“Well of course you can. You can tell us anything. Please come take a seat with me.”
He led me over to a set of pews nearing the back of the church, little bibles tucked into the backs of the pews in front, red ribbons poking from the pages. I fiddled with one as I nervously prepared my ever growing lie.
“Steven, let me introduce myself first. I am Father Stark. You can call me Father, Pastor. Stark or Tony. Whatever you would prefer. Now please know that I will be keeping this one hundred percent between us and the Lord. Do not think you can’t trust me and my words.” His hand patted my shoulder and I shuddered, goosebumps peeling over my skin. There was a trail of hairs pinned up on my neck as I opened my mouth, turning to him.
“Father Stark. I wanted to confess something that has been weighing on me for a while.” I tried my hardest to think up a sin, one that wasn’t obvious, that wasn’t something simple, something believable. “I haven’t felt like this in a long time… I feel like I-” I struggled to think of something on the spot, his gaze drilling into the side of my head.
“You’re developing feelings for someone?” He guessed. I went along with it. Easier to get him talking if he thinks he knows my issue straight away.
“Yes. I feel like someone has caught my eye and I really should not act upon it. Do you know what I mean?” I looked over to him to see that hypnotic stare again. “I don’t want to go into detail but I needed to get it off my chest.” I needed to gain his favour, what was he up to? What did he do to this church? “Do you have any wisdom, any suggestions to quell this feeling?”
He squeezed at my shoulder and sat up with pride. “Steven, my child. You are a strong young man, everyone has natural urges that they feel they should hide, should lock away. Is there a person you are specifically having these feelings for? A girl within our church perhaps?”
Crap… I needed to think of a name… any name, but my mind went blank, mouth open ready to say nothing.
“Ah so it is a boy. That may be an issue.”
“No - I mean, why would you think that!?” I defended.
“You simply hesitated too long, do not worry, I said you could trust me with confidence.” He sat back relaxed and folded his hands together, “Would you like to join our Wednesday meeting this week? I can read a few passages to the group that may be of help to you?”
“Yes, thank you.” I knew I needed to get closer to him, agreeing to an evening club was the best way to start that…
“Good. Don’t Worry Steven, here we will help you, not judge you. Was there anything else you needed from me, I must get myself and the others gathered for the afternoon readings.”
“No, I’m ok. Thank you Pastor, it means a lot. Oh and you can call me Steve.” I needed to make it casual.
“Of course, Steve. A strong name for a strong fellow.”
He stood, gradually dragging his black, cuffed robe behind him. “Thank you for coming to me Steve. I hope to see you well on Wednesday evening.” He shot me a smile, somewhat crooked, and walked to the front of the church. “Oh and Steve, please let me know if you ever need help again.” I simply waved and got up, I needed to prepare myself for Wednesday evening, I needed something convincing to say.
-
That evening I sat at my desk, notepad in front of me, pen in hand. I scrawled down as many ideas as I had to draw out the truth from that man. The soft glow from my desk lamp lit up the tiny list of three things that I could think up. ‘What are your Saturday meetings about?’ Far too forward. ‘What do you and the other staff do around the church?’ Too vague. ‘May I help more around the church?’ Maybe another time. I needed something to delve deeper, to get into the underbelly.
I was struggling so hard. I swiveled my chair around and flicked on the TV to try to get my mind more relaxed. I flicked through the shows one after the other and settled on a crappy black and white movie, the actors facing each other in a heated argument.
“Don’t you dare speak to me like that Harrison! You know full well that I and I alone know your darkest secret!”
“And you wouldn’t dare tell a soul, you know I’d have to kill you.”
“You wouldn’t kill me. You love me too much!”
“Fuck you Amanda, you and your irresistble charm.”
Ugh this show was so cliche. How do people watch this? I needed to think harder, I had no way of getting into that man's head, into his creepy club. I wonder how he read me like that? I’m not gay though. I mean, I don’t think I am, I’ve not had a partner since fifth grade and that was for two days on a dare… That might be my only way in though. I’m sure I can blag having homosexual feelings to keep him talking. Try to garner some sympathy, try to get him to offer help, solutions.
I lifted myself from my chair and turned off my lamp and TV, walking over to my apartment's bedroom. I unbuttoned my shirt and draped it over the bedpost, padding my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth and was my face of the stress of the day.
I looked up at myself, trying to think of how I could appear more desperate, act more like he was my only hope. I didn’t even think being gay was an issue. I have gay friends, I support anyone who wants to live thier life the way they do, I understood why it was considered a sin but I just simply never touched it when reading passages or listening to scripture. I just didn’t think I was gay.
It was getting too late to start critically thinking about my sexuality, I had chores to get done in the morning, shopping that had to be done and a large load of washing piling up in my laundry room. It was time to call it a night and deal with all this another time.
-
The next day I woke up feeling so tense, my shoulders cramping up and my lower back as tight as well laced army boots. I needed to stretch myself out a little. I rolled out an old towel on my living room floor and sat crossed legged, taking deep, relaxing breaths. I stretched out my back slowly, letting my shoulders roll as I arched up into downward dog poses, reaching as high as I could in warrior pose, almost clipping the coffee table with my ankle as I did. Sitting back down and taking a few more steady breaths I jolted as I heard a faint laugh behind me.
I snapped my neck around and steadied myself with my hand, tense again, undoing my stretching almost instantly. “Who’s there?” I clenched my fist, and raised myself from the floor. I wasn’t prepared to fight off a home invader in my underwear, but I was a strong enough guy, I could take on a little burglar, as long as they didn’t have anything more dangerous than a wooden spoon. I carefully turned corners, looked through each room as thoroughly as I could and there was no one to be found.
‘I must be going insane.’ Whether I was or wasn’t I still needed to get my jobs done for the day. Still tense, and now paranoid, I got myself together.
I hopped into the shower first, making sure to lock the door behind me, I would usually just leave the door wide open. Not today. I washed myself down and chose not to wash my hair in fear of closing my eyes for too long and being ambushed, stabbed and left for dead. I brushed my teeth in the shower and very quickly dried and clothed myself, again not wanting to cover my face or eyes for longer than I had to.
I grabbed my backpack, shoved my shoes on and swiftly left my apartment, hoping I was just going insane and that a little fresh air would help me out.
Coffee was the first thing on my mind, my local coffee shop was only a block over and I needed something sweet to start me off.
“Ahh Steve! You’re looking kinda frazzled today, you doing ok?” Bucky asked me, he was always so sweet to me, making me extra good drinks and saving the most frosted doughnuts for me.
“I’ve had some sleep but this morning, Buck, this morning I swear I heard someone laughing in my apartment… So I’m kinda a bit on edge…” I scrunched up my eyes and hoped he didn't think I was insane.
“You think you heard laughing?” He looked at me in a skeptical way as he poured out my coffee. “Like where you were? Not across the hall or a floor down?”
“I know it sounds dumb, but I seriously thought I did. I just needed to get out of the house, maybe I’m just overthinking things.”
“Maybe you were just tired, man. I’m sure you’re totally safe! Oh and I did save you the most frosted doughnut, so that’s at least something good to come out of this morning!” He beamed up at me and handed me the precious treat.
“Aww thanks Bucky, you’re the best. I’ll probably be in tomorrow, maybe save me another?” I joked and waved myself out. I really liked Bucky, he was always so cheery, I felt much more relaxed as I took a sip of my drink and a big bite of the glazed doughnut.
Next on my list was to get a food shop done. I had a little list tucked in my back pocket and only needed to get a few bits before trudging home and filling up the refrigerator.
- Bread
- Coffee
- Cereal (the cinnamon one)
- Protein bars
- Carrots
- Green beans
I made my way around the store, picking up the bits and pieces that I needed one after the other. I was feeling a lot more relaxed at this point, feeling the cool air con blowing down on me, relieving my tension. I walked down the homeware aisle to take a look at the towels and run my hand along them for a little extra comfort and snapped my hand away as I felt a static shock run up my arm. I flapped my wrist to gain some feeling back and felt a sharp woosh of air creep down the back of my shirt along with the overwhelming feeling of someone staring me down. I spun around to see who was looming over me and there was nothing there, the soft hum of other shoppers and the bad quality radio was all I could hear.
Feeling my head start to pang with nerves again I was sure I was finally losing my mind. I took my groceries to the self service checkout and scanned everything through as fast as I could. I no longer wanted to be here, this was no longer a safe, relaxing place. I tapped the screen to go to the payment options and the screen flickered, a single red stripe pulling through the center. I looked around for a shop assistant to give it a look but just as I was about to grab someone the most deafening screech came from the machine and I held my ears to stop them from ringing.
The shop assistant ran up to me as I tried to crouch away from the sound, they patted at my shoulder and the noise stopped instantly, the screen was totally normal.
“Sir are you ok, do we need to call for an ambulance?”
Everyone else by self service was staring down at me, like I was having some sort of episode. They didn’t hear it? That ear piercing screech? I knew I had something wrong with me at that point, maybe a migraine or some sort or pressure head cold?
“I-I’m fine, thank you, I think I just need to go home…” I stood with their help and apologised as I shoved my cash into the hole in the machine and didn’t even wait for my change. I needed to go home.
-
To be continued...