Down The Line

  Eddie couldn't help but stare at the person on his sofa, asleep, not contently, but asleep all the same. He knew Steven wasn't telling him things about his life, but he assumed it would be something along the lines of severe anxiety, not this. Not a whole other alter. He didn't want to be a hypocrite, nevertheless he couldn't stop the thoughts. Eddie pulled his phone out of his back pocket, dropping it on the kitchen island out of frustration, because he luck was never ending, it was dead. His hope of texting Kayla or even Ann, for a little bit of help, was out of the window. Groaning to himself, Eddie placed his back on the fridge door, sliding down until he hit the floor out of exhaustion, the past two hours have been nothing but pure confusion. 

  Sitting, uncomfortably, on the sofa, Marc didn't want to be still, it was less painful being still but it was still unsettling. He wasn't used to this, being looked after, Eddie was rifling few some of medical supplies he kept in his First Aid Kit, while Marc held a towel to his minor stab wound, that was the worst of it. A shallow stab wound, not hitting any vital organs, yet caused enough pain by itself. Most of his wounds were grazes, gashes and bruises, his knuckles raw and angry, his shirt disregarded and in the bin, even if he could get the stains out of it, it had a gaping hole in the side. 

  Gently placing the bandage over the wound, Eddie taped the white bandage over the stitching he had just done, cleaning off the blood to keep any infection away. His paid attention to the cuts on Marc's knuckles, wrapping a bandage over both of them, they both looked as if he had been punching a wall for half the evening. Eddie had so many questions, but for the time being, he cleaned the cuts and put butterfly stitches over the ones deep enough to need them but not in desperate need for stitches. Eddie looked up at Marc, he hadn't stopped for the past half an hour. This didn't make much sense to him, of course they had their secrets, but this was so much more than what he was expecting. 

  Opening up the fridge to make himself a coffee, after a night of not sleeping he could really do with one, but just found that he was out of milk and refused to take his coffee black, "Shit," he muttered to himself, he wasn't in the mood, scribbling down a note to tell whoever was going to wake up where he was, Eddie picked up his keys and wallet to get milk and other things he needed. 

  Marc woke up to a fully empty flat, he vaguely remembered what had happened last night, and he knows the fall out of what had happened. This was going to take a long, and agonising conversation, the one he had avoided with Layla for so long and the same one that kept him and Steven at arms length for most of his life. The pain searing through his body was enough to ignore, he didn't have to think about it, even though his ribs are most likely broken, his arm is possibly sprained and his jaw felt like it had just been put back into place. 

  Finding his way back to his own flat, Marc found a phone, it wasn't his burner, meaning it was Steven's. There were only a few notifications on his phone, boring news updates that weren't even noteworthy, and a couple from Kayla, who was a new addition to Steven's life. Marc was glad Steven was making friends, it was a first in a while, but it wasn't like their situation was normal. Placing the phone back down, Marc moved around the flat, showering, changing and getting something to eat. Steven was quiet, and it was painful, Marc knew how badly he fucked up and didn't need Steven's silent treatment to tell him otherwise.

  Eventually, Marc pulled himself off the sofa, he couldn't stand the silence anymore, Eddie would be back in his flat by now but inside that same flat was the awkward conversation of what was really going on. Steven's phone was still laying where he originally left it when he first got in, Marc couldn't stop himself from pulling it into his hands and calling one of the few contacts Steven had. It wasn't Layla, he couldn't fathom the idea of bothering her, even though she would tell him over and over that she was always going to be there for him. He may not be in the best sate of mind, he may be a little concusses and thinking out of the ordinary, Steven may also be ignoring him, and the only person he can think about calling is Kayla. 

  "All right, Steven?" Kayla always managed to have something sweet in her voice, Marc hasn't met her himself but he has been there when Steven goes out to the pub with them, or round her flat, "Steven?" she sounded worried at his lack of reply. 

  "Sorry for bothering you," Marc tried to keep his voice composed, "But, um," he heard her moving around in the background, "Steven trusts you and you are the only other person we both know in the area,"

  "OK," Kayla's tone was unsure, barely noticeable but still there, "Where are you?" 

  Marc's words were failing him, he wasn't sure why he was calling Kayla, the same words he grew up with repeating over and over in his mind, "At Steven's flat," he says. 

  Kayla didn't take long to get to Steven's flat, she had been there before and knew that he lived across from Eddie. Stopping everything she was doing to see why Marc had called her, why it was her Marc went to. She didn't want to sit there and ask him all the questions she was coming up with, all she wanted to ask was if he and Steven were OK. Drumming her thumbs on her thighs whilst she was waiting for the lift to open the doors onto Steven's floor, her rings making a sound as they clashes together, her bracelets not shying away from making a noise either. Her hair tied back loosely and her hoodie sleeves rolled up, exposing her newest tattoo, it was only a week old by this point. 

  Walking down the corridor, Kayla looked around and noticed that the complex was loads nicer that her own was, but that wasn't why she was visiting. This wasn't the first time she was, every time she visited she always pointed out how nice it was. Knocking on Steven's door and waiting for an answer was hell, seconds turned into minutes as she felt her hands shaking, her heart was pounding harder against her ribs and her palms sweating. Kayla wasn't in the mood to have a panic attack at the same time as her friend needing her, pushing away all panic, because everything was going to be fine, she wasn't going to worry until there was something to worry about.

  The door finally swung open and Kayla felt her heart stop for a moment, it was Steven standing in front of her but at the same time it wasn't. it wasn't him by a long shot, Marc was more stiff, she guessed he had a military background, despite his attempts to be a macho man, his eyes gave it all away. She wanted to reach out and hold him till the world stopped spinning, she knew that look, she had given that look before. Not only this, but he was dressed in a plan t-shirt and jeans, no jumper over the top, his hair messier and less kept. Marc kept himself ready for a fight, Steven looked as if he was going to sit someone down for a conversation about what was really going on. 

  "All right?" it was a weird question, Kayla thought to herself, no one who panic calls another person so alright. Yet the default greeting was enough to earn Kayla a sigh and entrance into the flat. 

  "Look," Marc sighed, rubbing his hands down his face, "you really didn't have to come," picking up on the Chicago accent, Steven's earlier comment started to make sense to her, "I don't even know why I called you. I just know that Steven trusts you, and you're a good person. I guess I just-"

  "Didn't want to be alone?" Kayla finished off for him, listening to him try and excuse his way out of this was like pulling teeth. He was trying to avoid something, she knew he was, she just didn't know what it was. 

  "Yeah," he admitted defeat, hands falling to his side. 

  "That's fine," Kayla shrugged, "We can just sit and do nothing," she said, pointing to the sofa on the other side of the flat, "I can keep you company," 

  "You've probably got work, and other shit to do," Marc commented. 

  "I do," Kayla acknowledged, "but right now i wanna be here," Marc opened his mouth to try and find another excuse, "Marc, I'm here because I want to be, end of," 

***

  Finally finding a way onto the sofa, Marc gave up trying to get Kayla to leave, she was too stubborn for him and he was too tired to fight it any longer. The TV was playing in the background, neither of them were listening full to it, Marc was too busy trying not to fuck up his fuck up any more than he always has. Kayla was just sitting patiently, waiting for Marc to say the first words. Not wanting to push either of their luck, they just sat there for almost an hour, ultimately Marc conceded first. With his arms folded across his chest and his hands gripping his biceps achingly, Marc had been trying for the past half an hour to find the words, trying to think of something to say that wasn't him breaking down, that wasn't him revealing everything, that wasn't him admitting he needed help. 

  "Does this not freak you out?" Marc asked, out of the blue, snapping Kayla from her own thoughts that were from somewhere other than the TV. She simply hummed a response, looking to the side to see Marc's profile, his eyes fixed on the wall in front of them, "Me? Y'know," he couldn't pull the words out of his mouth, the fact that he didn't want to either wasn't helping. 

  "You'd be surprised, not my first time with a dissociative disorder," Kayla said casually, it was that causal tone she always had. Marc has hated everyone who keeps a calm voice all the time, due to the fact that anyone who remains calm is hiding something, but not with Kayla. She was one of the few exceptions that didn't drive Marc up the wall, for remaining calm, "My first run in was a while ago, I was about fourteen... I think, could've been a little younger," she stopped facing Marc, "my parents were yelling at me, telling me how useless I was and all, that I was never going to live up to my sister. That I needed to look up to her more, I should be more like her, and I dunno," she shrugged.

  "I just stopped listening, nothing felt real, it was like my brain decided that nothing was real. That I wasn't real and this was just my imagination. My Mum slammed my door, that didn't even snap me out of it. My sister came and told me to stop being so... well... me," Marc could hear the eye roll from her, "and that, if I just saw how much Mum and Dad 'loved me', I would put in the effort," Kayla laughed bitterly to herself, "My Dad told me to stop being so pathetic," she stopped talking for a moment, swallowing before allowing herself to speak again, "I don't know how long I was out of it for, but it was about two in the morning when the world felt real again," Kayla sighed, "I may not have alters, but my brain convinces me nothing is real, that," she drummed her fingers along her thighs, "That none of it happened, and I grew up normal," 

  Marc didn't know what to do, nor did he know what to say, Kayla wasn't asking for his pity. She wasn't asking for him to lay out his whole story from start to finish, he understand what Kayla had just told him wasn't her full story either. Kayla just wanted him to feel less alone, she wasn't trying to patronis him, albeit the worlds fumbling out of his mouth were down to the fact that she had just told him about her life. 

  "I got my brother killed when I was a kid," he said, tears threatening to fall down his cheeks, "My Mom blamed me for it, she didn't hide it either. My Dad barely did anything to stop the drinking, the... other stuff. I was so alone when I was a kid, I had no one, and then," Marc felt someone watching him, "Steven came along, one day, and he kept me alive. Through all the shit, he was there, always trying to help people no matter what. He didn't know about me until recently, no one did. I kept it to myself for so long, they kicked me out the Army because one night, I had a bit of a moment. It all built up so much, eventually it came crashing down after Mom's shiva," Kayla was just listening, they were both still staring at the wall ahead of them. 

***

  Marc slapped his hands on his knees, sniffing abruptly and trying to push off the whole conversation, "Yeah, Steven, I just let him do his own shit now, I get out every now and again, but I've been trying to deal with my own shit recently. Yet I still found a way to fuck it up for the both of us, Steven's doing good with Eddie, and you, and then I got caught up in a fight. I didn't know where else to go," 

  "So you asked Eddie for help," Kayla filled in the rest. Marc just nodded, muttering an answer under his breath, "Look, take it from me, locking yourself away, in any sense of the word, ent healthy, take it from me," Kayla said point to her chest, "Yeah, it ent good for anyone in the long run. Talk to someone, anyone, you don't have to sit there spilling all you shit in one go. All you've gotta do is say 'hey, I had a fucked up childhood' or that it it might take me some time to open up about it. But you'll tell them about later down the line," 

  "It isn't that simple though," Marc shook his head. 

  "Yeah it is," Kayla retaliated. 

  "Oh really?" Marc question, they had both turned around slightly, now facing each other and the wall since forgotten.

  "It bloody well is, because that's how I approached it with my girlfriend," Marc was lost for words, for two reasons, he had never considered telling anyone. Most the people he had been around never spoke about their own emotions, let alone giving him the chance to talk about his; meaning he buried his feelings, thoughts and all emotions. Layla was the first person in a long while to make him feel safe, however Marc convinced himself she wasn't going to care, she was going to tell him to suck it up. Layla never did, she always listened when something new came up, she still does. And the second reason was because Kayla never mentioned a girlfriend, not to his recollection anyways. 

  Kayla started talking before he could think any harder, "I'm not naive, alright, I know finding people to trust is hard. I still find it's like pulling teeth trying to trust someone, it easier to think everyone is a piece of shit. When you find that someone, and you have, they'll listen. Not talking about me, talking about Eddie, you two don't know much about each other, yet that won't stop you two from trying," 

  "I'm not gonna lie to you, you've got a long road ahead of you, fucking hell, I'm still recovering. Maybe I'll never full recover, but you'll get to a point where you feel safe, where you are healthy, and you stop thinking about all the shit you don't do right and focus on all the stuff you did get right. Because, Marc, you will always have tomorrow, you can always try again in the morning and no one will get mad at you for it," 

  Kayla's words don't leave his head, he thinks about everything she said about just letting someone know he isn't maybe in the greatest of places at the current moment in time. That's what leads to him and Steven having one of the biggest talks they have had since the hospital, this time it was less forced because of the situation and more centred around Marc facing his reality. He takes a deep breath and understands that he can't run forever, not from his past and not from his present, Kayla was right, Marc spending the past few years hiding away and behind Steven wasn't going to work out well in the long run, not for anyone. 

  "Marc, Mate, I'm not pissed at you because you wanted some time to recuperate," Steven reassured him, "I'm pissed because you waiting for it to get to an extreme, I'm not being funny but you seem to do that a lot. You wait until something gets bad and then goes wrong, that's not healthy," 

  "I know, I know I do that," Marc sighed into his hands, he had been doing so ever since he left him, Marc put of any minor inconvenience until it became this major problem he couldn't run from any more, "And I'm gonna try and stop doing it so often, and hopefully one day I won't," the words were in his head, the everlasting words he couldn't ever move past his brain, were slowly finding their way into sentences he can say, "I'm gonna try, I wanna try, y'know,"  

  "Good, I'm very happy that you wanna get better, Marc, I really am," Steven said, his voice didn't hold a hint of a lie. 

  "Right, you need to talk to Eddie," Marc said, mainly was just him thinking out loud, "And I need to think about how we move forward," he continued. 

  "Sounds good to me," Steven commented. Both of them knew it was going to be a long road, but at the end of it all they still had Kayla in their lives, and hopefully Eddie. 

  The knocking sound echoed sorely down the corridor, Steven didn't notice much of the sound to begin with, though now it was awkwardly loud, everything was. His heart beating in his chest was definitely something he shouldn't' be hearing. With time dragging on, Steven waited for Eddie to open the door, he wasn't in the office today, Kayla had texted them to say he was off work. It had been two days since the incident and Steven's face remained bruised, on the other hand his body felt less in fire and more of a dull ache. 

  Steven swore he stopped breathing when he saw Eddie, "Hiya," he sighed. 

  "Steven?" Eddie's eyes looked tired, he whispered Steven's name like it was a secret between them. 

  "Yeah, it's me, Love," he reassures. Eddie didn't waste any time placing his hands on either side of Steven's face, examining the bruises he had seen just a couple days go, fully formed, cuts still obviously present but Steven's demeanour remained. Kissing him already felt like second nature, this kiss was new, like a promise that Steven was still alive and with him. Despite the past couple days, they had each other, and maybe it was time for some explaining. For a long conversation that can't be avoided anymore. 

  Eddie wrapped his arms around Steven's neck, in return, Steven wrapped his arms around Eddie's middle, and they both just stood like that. In Eddie's door way, holding each other, because it was what they both just needed for a minute. The resurgence that it was just them in the world, they couldn't forget about the rest of it for a moment. The rest of the world didn't exist to them, it was just here, it was just now. And for a moment, it was just them.